Wednesday, 30 December 2009

I Know I'm Nothing But Skin And Bones.....

I'm not entirely sure why it is that I find within me the ridiculous ability to forgive when I shouldn't, and quite the opposite, also.
I must be intensely frustrating to be around because I do some of the dumbest things without ever realising the impact.

Have come to a couple of conclusions:

1. I'm not just going to be a silent member of what goes around me. I've had enough of watching people fuck themselves over. But hey, it's their life not mine and I don't particularly care what they do -  it's theirs - so long as it isn't detrimental to the people I DO care about. Doesn't mean I have to watch it.

2. The family and I are going to Waitpinga Beach tomorrow so that my brother and dad can fish properly as they're feeling rather deprived of their normally-regular fish sessions. This will be their first all year, and with only a couple of days left, this is, admittedly, somewhat ridiculous. I'm going to be reading, sleeping and writing - this is where the 'new' diaries come in. They've actually got several years behind them . Hell, one of them is actually about six or eight years old! one for actual writing, one for notes. all set : )

3. I'm a little too head over heels for D. Need to rein that in a LOT. Will try. Nuff said.

4. Please forgive the possibly odd way I'm going to write this. I'm actually rather angry, as time goes by long enough to fully digest what happened.

*I HATE being reprimanded and am seeing an ENORMOUS hypocrisy in it at the moment, so I'm not sure what I'll say if I see them again. Really pissed off about it. REALLY pissed*.
My brother is an incredible judge of character. I am less so, I suppose partly because I've been forced to get on with people from all walks of life and as such have ignored my intuition for many years. I'm learning to listen to it now, and there are some people that make me mentally shudder and shy away. Not because they are bad people *who knows, they could be* but as far as it affects me, the sensation is that of 'hopeless. get away. run. wasted.' the end. And conditioning tells me to swallow this. Well, not anymore. I'm listening with both ears and I dont want to be around deadbeats. Easy : )

5. I'm Happy.

Despite all the shit that has, or could have, happened in the last 48 hours, I am happy. And this is all that matters right now, because it means I won't dream of car accidents, or people scaring me. And this is good.

Monday, 28 December 2009

'I Don't Know'

I hate the words 'I don't know' as an answer. It's a stupid answer that simply fills in the gaps of what you're really needing to think about and what is going to be said.
It fills in thought space, means you don't have to face up to the facts, what you really need to talk about, think about. Personally, as soon as I start using it I stop and think 'No, what do I really need to think about here, what am I blocking?'.
Sometimes its painful as all hell to think it, and as I type this, I know am doing that in my head, blocking things out, I mean.
I've not cried like this in a while. Mind you, I find myself in an entirely new situation. I don't like it.
I have too long to wait before I get this figured out. But, I guess, part of me needs to sleep on it. The rest of me needs to run, and talk. This is impossible because the person I need to talk to is either 1. Asleep, or 2. Talking to mum about the same things I need to talk to them about.

Things are a-changing, my friends. And change is scary. Terrifying. But change is necessary. And it's at those times when we need people around us to hold our hand, and reassure us that that step, even if it IS scary, will lead onto bigger and brighter things.

I cannot move an inch. Not without leaving a ripple. Which turns into a little wave, which turns into a nasty big wave which then comes back and crashes down upon me.

The most likely end result is that which I do NOT want. Am I weak? I don't thinks so. Not at all. But...... letting go... is not something I do willingly. Ever. I feel empty, and overfull at the same time. Constant nausea, because I know it will be about 19 hours until I have the possibility of discovering what's happening. I'm the one terrified. I think I know what I can do to pass a couple of hours, but it could all be a waste. I'll do it anyway.

"I have a present for you..."
It isn't a matter of willpower on my part, and that's why this is all so hard, I suppose. I need to talk to D, but I can't, and it isn't going to do anyone any good if I do wake him up. That is what tomorrow is for, and frankly I'll be devastated if he is a no-show.
Because this is critical.

Three days, and so much to say!

Good Morning everyone :)

I sit here, having just woken up, tied up my hair and decided i am going to write a novel. Not literally, of course, but so much has happened both in reality* and my mind that A nice long post is deserved, especially since it is rumoured to be hitting upwards of 40 degrees on the Hg**. Theres several things i need to talk about, along with some somewhat useless crap, so i'll make it easy and divide it up into clear, easy to read english language ***

(Warning: LONG post. Use headings to find your way)

Wednesday, 23 December 2009

This is life, this is the way we live it.

It's 9.14, I'm exhausted, and keep pressing the caps lock key instead of the 'a' button. This is intensely annoying. Am doing a clean out of my room, and figure I need to do a clean out of my blog, too. Or rather, start actually writing in cryptic like I used to. This used to be about stress release than anything. Now... I don’t know what it is. I found some pretty awesome posts in my archives (hence the creation of the 'quote of the day' section to the right of this sentence). But it is to the point where I need to write in cryptic again because people I know, respect and love read this and if I write flat out names, faces, feelings... I may be shot. So here goes....

Monday, 21 December 2009

ready set go

i have 15 minutes to fully articulate myself. ready set go.

1. talked with mum for the first time in a month without feeling like i was going to be eaten alive. it's lovely, knowing that people know, for the most part, where i'm coming from now. it's certainly made my bedroom feel a lot calmer. this in itself must mean something good because my room is like my sanctuary, and my bed, where i sit now, is my inner sanctum (fast fact: i hate it when people sit on my bed uninvited. unless i'm willing to welcome one with open arms, it's best to sit in a bean bag or on my desk chair. if this fails, the floor is surprisingly soft and comfy ^^). so it's nice to be able to sit in here and not feel like i'm living in someone else's skin.

it's also warm today - like, decent-ish summer weather. this always makes things better. as does showers. so to have both in one day, plus work in a little bit, is unimaginably nice (no idea if thats spelled right. cause i speak good England ^^)

my stomach is talking to me yet again. this is not surprising since i have had all of two decent-ish meals in the last 36 hours. both breakfast. both eggs. will definitley have to scrounge for something before i leave though - i can't handle another 6 hours without food. this could well kill me, or at the minimum, my blood sugar levels.

somewhat ruined an opportunity last night to mend things with family. ruined it by not being there, yet again. feel really bad about it, too, because i basically ignored my brothers plea for me to be there and my dad and my conversation about wanting to see Avatar the evening before. I'll go see it another time. Maybe tuesday? (i love cheapie tuesday mainly because i dont have anything else to do in those evenings.)
As it was, i've somewhat solved the main opposition re this, and have apologised. will be apologising to da when he gets home, assuming i'm here.

may not be there because i have a work dinner tonight at the pub. this is exciting because 1. its a good (free) meal (though not really free because it's the money from tips and recycling bottles etc) and 2. the chairs there have 'balhannah' on their backs in wrought iron. i love those chairs. what can i say? i'm amused easily.

am rather liking the format of this post because everything is unrelated and at the same time totally linked :)
random mention to Chloe whom i have decided i rather love, even if it did take me a few weeks to adjust to a culture shock.

i can hear a baby magpie squaking to mummy and daddy. i think its hungry. i'm considering telling it to shut up because as soothing as it is at the start, its REALLY annoying now!!!! shan't be here too much longer, mind you.

went to D's last night (probs shouldnt have but hey, i can't stay away even thoguh it IS costing me 1/4 a tank of petrol for a round trip). The poor guy was so tired he looked like he was asleep standing up. thats what happens when you get 6.5 hours sleep in 3 days, i suppose. it was nice, though, because since he was so comatose-ish, i could wander around n do my own thing for a bit, which is nice - i like being able to do this wherever i go, but i only do it if i'm feeling totally comfortable about my surroundings (ie 'you know where food and glasses are, if you want something, go get it yourself' kinda thing).

speaking of food....... *tummy rumble*
mmmmmmmm food....... lets see what is in Livvy's kitchen. back in a moment......

~ ~ ~ ~
Avocado sandwich. yummy.

and this is where i end my stream of consciousness for today, as i need to leave for work in a moment.

adios, amigos

peace out xo

Saturday, 19 December 2009


Went on a walk with Rani today, like we used to. She was panting away - I really need to get her fit again! Mind you, those in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.......people in NORMAL houses shouldn't throw stones, especially of they have no insurance!......
Anyway... it was sorely needed because although I'm going to be sore tomorrow (Oh god, tomorrow. Will explain that in a moment), it gave me an hour or so to clear my head properly. The original intention was for me to think things through. I forgot how mind numbing the outdoors can be - the breeze just blew everything away for a while. I left the house feeling like I was going to cry. One hour, Six kilometres later, I returned, feeling soooooo much more at peace with myself, albeit considerably more tired.

Friday, 18 December 2009

In Limbo

Why oh WHY am I always posting just before I sleep? Imi says it's because this is when noone else is thinks, just me.
Most likely this is true, and I was somewhat astounded to hear this come from a fourteen-year-old.

I'm feeling overly anxious about everything, not because it's hectic, or loud, or angry here..... just that I can feel something powerful moving beneath my feet. And I know not whether I am the cause, the solution, or just another piece of the puzzle.

Wednesday, 16 December 2009


i am so over it. all of it. feeling like i dont belong. being reminded of how morally 'loose' i am at the moment (which i am NOT), told that my family doesnt like who i am. or some nonsense along those lines. i call it nonsense because it simply does not make sense to me.

Monday, 14 December 2009


I'm so tired I can hardly see. It is time for bed, I think, but before bed, I need to write, just a little. Because, you see, I'm realising that this is beautiful, this life, this day, this person.

I'll discover my year 12 results on Wednesday, and, frankly, I'm terrified. But there is nothing I can do to change this, so I don't let it bother me all too much. I'm more concerned if I don't get what i'm looking for and there's all this back lash from my folks. Fact is I could fail all my exams and still get a good enough ter for the base level psych at one of the uni's, so whatever. Life's dandy.

Thinking that I need to keep away from places of stress for a while. I don't like yelling. It bothers me immensley, and I just lay there in the bed of another, hugging them, or myself, or the quilt, waiting for it to stop before I stop and begin to relax. I need sleepovers - our timing sucks majorly. I work all arvo on weekends, and he works all day on weekdays. That gives us like.... 4 hours a day max, and even then that's a case of once or twice a week cause, lets face it, I don't have the money to make an 80km trip every day. I just like to lay there, because there are no expectations, I'm loved for what I am, even if I'm silent, staring at the ceiling, or watching him pottering about the room.

I got my shield burned, battered and torn by a boy, and I've been trying to build it back again. Seems I've done it, to a degree, having been told off for having it in place today. It makes me hard to read, but no more difficult than him.....

Your shield is grey and strong, like the concrete holding a reservoir in place. but I see the cracks. And so do you. You know I'm trying to get through, and it's working rather a lot faster than anticipated. I think it scares you a little bit, because if I get through, I could kill you inside. I think that's happened to you before. otherwise you wouldn't have such a strong caution of others as it is now. Holding someone's heart is power over them. you don't like to be dominated in any way, and this is the worst, because it is such a strong way to be held.
Fact is, I just want to be let in rather than stand at the door banging my fist against it. so I'll chip away at the hinges and open it like that ^^

I just sit here and think to myself...... I wonder what's behind there? Who are you really, because there is so much more to you than the bold façade you present to the world.

I'm seeing flashes, when you let your guard down, and it pains me to see your change in mood. Makes me want to take on the world, just so you smile. I think you know I'd do this.

You know how I fell, and am falling still, but you did not disappear. It gives me hope that you'll feel the same way back one day. I'm not sure what I'd do if you disappeared. Like April's told me: this feeling is love. it is the best and worst thing that will ever happen to you, and it's scary, feeling like that.

She was right.

I AM terrified.

But the prize of this game is worth more than life itself.
And so I jumped.

just this.

there's this girl, you see
but i've never met her.
nor do i wish to, really.
but she scares me just a little.
a threat.
a bubble of resentment.
a silent stare out the window.
like the very thought could stir
dust from the past
and leave me on my ass
in the wake of a reunition.


Sunday, 13 December 2009


it feels good, being able to come to terms with a few things within my own head, with a little help form my friends. one statemend, underpinning an awful lot of the way i feel right about now.... as unwanted as it is, it's true, and it's overwhelmingly powerful. can honestly say i've never felt like this before. and i think i need to make a revision to the statement 'i'd die for no one', for this reason. but thats getting far too deep so early in this post!

Giving Up on Going Out

I don't sleep past 8 these days. I'm not entirely sure why, perhaps I'm just used to it now. I don't do a lot of things nowadays. Iust the way it is, I suppose.

Went into town last night, or rather, tried to. Spent a bit too long getting ready at April's with her and D, and missed the bus, so mucked around for the hour til the next one. Never had an energy drink, not a whole one, before then, and so a Red Bull energy shot combined with me drinking about 4 shots of JD's in an hour (a lot considering I rarely drink), sent me rather excitable on the bus. Got into town, amazingly excited about going out properly with people I rather love to be around, only for to fall flat on my face, metaphorically speaking (I'm never drunk enough to fall over any other way ^^ ).
This week, there is a police blitz each weekend evening in cities all over Australia because they are tired of drunken misbehaviour. As the woman at Winstons told me, its a $10k fine to her and the owner if they let me in and I get caught. Stupid school ID. Ruin my fun.
I cried the whole way home, not because I felt hard done by, or some injustice had occurred, but simply because I'd been looking forward to that for about a month, and I was the youngest there and of course it was going to happen. Felt a bit like a temper tantrum , sulking about it for the hour it took to get home, get my makeup off and crawl into bed. I hate that level of disappointment - it hurts! And this is why I am sitting in bed at 8.20 am writing on here rather than sleeping off a hard night. *grumbles at lameness of my life*

I'll stick to mucking around at home, I suppose, not that I do that anyway. I will be doing it next time, though. I'm sick of the same routine. I know mum was basically like 'its a blessing in disguise' or something. I don't think she wanted me out even though I was with D and regardless of how he gets I'm fairly certain I can say 'I need you' and he's there. Cause he's amazing like that. Mind you, I've decided I like straight JD's ... don't like it with coke, but that's cause I'm not a fan of coke, I suppose - the bubbles make me feel too sick. Can tick that one off the list ^-^

Friday night went a rather a lot better than last night, though. For one thing, I only needed an ID to get in to avoid gate crashers. There was less people there than I expected, considering how huge the venue was, but it was a good night. Stole D's flannel shirt to wear. It's too big, which is to be expected, but I certainly got the assumption of batting for the same team from most people. I didn't care, I just noticed it a lot is all... was too tired from working all day plus an early start to be bothered, besides, I'd rather wear what I did than the amazing LACK of clothing from most other girls. I have actually never seen smaller dresses than I did then. Ew. So not good.

I'll let you in on a secret: I'm wearing that shirt right now cause it makes me feel better when I do ^^ I'm going to have to wash it and give it back this week though *grumbles*

Friday, 11 December 2009


you know that feeling that you want to swallow all someone else's pain, so they don't have to feel it anymore?
I'm feeling vaguely like that after a somewhat unusual day of moving house. it's always seemes a cleansing experience to me, and thats the way i took it today, hanging out with D's family to help them uproot yet again. I'm just happy that he wasnt there, seeing as he hates moving so much. Which is where i happily step in to take his place, despite being considerably smaller.
I had fun moving things double my size and weight, but god, i would hate to be a professional removalist!
But, yes, moving takes its toll on everyone and i'm pretty worn down, only to be going out as soon as dinner arrives and i eat. I am definitley going to be sleeping LATE tomorrow, even if i have to move onto the floor to get away from that sunlight. i swear that's the sky's version of a practical joke, being so damned bright in the morning.

I stole d's shirt. well, technically i asked if i could take it for tonight..... so no stealing, but I'm over the moon about this regardless. It doesn't look as eye-popping as it does on him, but hey, checked shirts are good on everyone.

I have to go now, but i will be writing an awful lot down in the next ..... three days or so, because otherwise i'll forget, and i don't like this uneasy feeling, that i need to do something, anything, to make life easier for a particular someone, and it's making me want to cry because i can do nothing

..... or can i????

Tuesday, 8 December 2009

Spacing Out

I hate drugs. I really do. I’m reading ‘Heroin Diaries: A Year in the Life of a Shattered Rock Star’ By Nikki Sixx, Basist and song writer for Mötley Crue. He was a junkie, in as deep as one can be, using cocaine and heroin constantly. Til he decided to kick the habit, sick of the paranoia that they caused. I need to finish this book, I’m half way through, in June. To me, the idea of being a rock star never appealed, so it’s not as shocking as it might be to some people that it’s not all it’s cracked up to be (excuse the pun). Also, the fact I have no knowledge whatsoever of Mötley Crue other than the name, kinda spoils it just a tad. But still…. I am feeling what I am supposed to, just with the volume turned down a bit. Part of that is me refusing to go through the motions like I usually do – I’m an emotional wreck with some books. Its why I can’t bring myself to read Jodi Picoult.

But…. I’m killing this feeling because it’s being replaced by another sense of… well… hopelessness. I got told someone I know was a really great person to be around, always laughing, smiling, friendly. I don’t know them as that. Apparently that’s what hard drugs did. It’sd always about getting off ones face so reality isn’t apparent anymore.

I like my reality rather a lot, even when it seems like it’s all going down the shitter. Because I have this curiosity about the world. I don’t fill my spare time ruining my head by totally spacing out.

People that turn up to work stoned piss me off. A coach did that at school for the sport I love most. I lost all respect for her that day – and I hold coaches in pretty damn high regard because I understand how difficult it can be to manage a team of 11 girls, the majority of whom don’t really wanna be there.

I guess I’m seeing a different demographic at the moment – I’m a driven person, and I have pretty fuckin high goals. I don’t put myself around people that are happy to settle for less than they’re capable of, because they frustrate me. But it isn’t my place to challenge the way they live, is it? Someone let me know if it is.

I’m somewhat wary of how I say ‘I am going to do Honours Psychology at Flinders’ because the response is always ‘wow the score for that is really high, isn’t it? And why flinders?’
‘yeah, it’s high, but I have a plan if I don’t get a high enough score. And flinders because it’s one of the best schools in the world for studying psychology’. Really, the answer should be ‘because I believe I can do it, and anything less isn’t acceptable,’ because that’s how I feel.

So I sit there, and let it wash over me, not even letting it truly register that I’m a part of the conversation – I’m not really, not in my head. In my head it’s ‘get out, get out, get out’ cause I’m determined not to fall over myself and stop, like people do. School gives me something to do. Apparently narcotics are something to do too.

‘I do it because it fills the space when you’re not here’

It breaks my heart that people do these things. WHY?!?!??!?!?! I don’t think I’ll ever understand it, and it hurts like hell that people I care about, person I care about, does it. We think if I was to get into it, they’d spiral. That made me cry. The thought of losing them, even if they’re still around, kills me. You know what I mean? Like, they’re physically there but mentally they’re a different person than the one you love to be around? Yeah, that one.

What do I want for Christmas? I want him to be clean. Totally clean.

But I don’t think that would happen.

Not even for me.

Cause If You Jump, I Will Jump Too.

From sitting on my bed, enjoying my evening, to in a strange living room with someone i've met for literally a minute, some three months previously. This is the way my days, er, nights, are heading, I suspect. I don't mind it - I'm just shy when I'm around people I dont know - all comes with the comfort level, I suppose, the more comfortable I feel around someone, the more animated I am. But put strange substances and total strangers I nthe mix and I will very happily become a wall flower, rather than take centre stage. These are, after all, some people I need to make some kinda good impression to, because apparently 'Home' likes to talk, and that bothers me a little. But hey, I'm new meat, it was going to happen.

Sunday, 6 December 2009

For the most part, feeling pretty good. Went to stay at the place D is housesitting. Almost had a heart attack when my alarm on my phone went off to tell me it was time to drive home. I hate not being allowed to sleep over. Come to think of it, i just hate my alarm more. **note to self: change alarm to something a little less harsh ** It actually is beginning to really piss me off. But rules are rules, and I know how important it is to keep this one, and not challenge it, at least for now.

Friday, 4 December 2009

DoE / beach / =)

there are four things on my mind right now: food, shower, going to the beach with april, and blogging.

the first and second because i have just woken up and decided to get on here after i was told i had to write something last night, but was too tired to do so. so here i am :) and the third (as i believe that explains the fourth also) is because i havent been t the beach for ages, and schoolies doesnt count. i didnt go swimming, how insulting.

Wednesday, 2 December 2009

Speech night and sleeping

You're going to have to excuse the erratic nature of this particular post - I am supremely bored right now, after having a rather entertaining day. Most sensibly, I would have a shower and go to sleep for an hour. Most likely, I will not do this.

Monday, 30 November 2009


I’m going through all these photos on my computer, and listening to my Romance on a Rocketship anthem. All these photos, of my garden, in any case, were taken during late winter, when it was rather warm, and everythingis growing. The leaves are new and young, and the rose plants are red with new growth. It’s such a bouncy song, full of happy feelings, that I can’t help feeling hopeful for the future.
Am also considering making a slideshow for one of these songs, to try and show others how it makes me feel.

But… then I move onto another folder… it’s got copies of baby photos that I took for my art project….. I know I’m looking at me….. (and I was a pretty ‘awwwh’ sorta baby, even when I was sick) and I feel weird…. Like… all family-orientated etc. not used to it. Dunno if I like it….

Sunday, 29 November 2009


It’s a miserable day. And so I’m going to write.

This is a stream of consciousness, and so will make very little sense.... just warning you all now.......

I suspect the week from hell is approaching as I’m usually a lot bubblier than this.

I’ve got about three trains of thought going through my head. The first is a monologue, the second was spurred by watching a little of Lawrence of Arabia and the third is from my music. I’m sitting down on my lounge, watching the sky get progressively more miserable. This is why I hate winter – because of the feelings it brings. Not because of the weather itself. I associate it with being depressed. And with being lonely, emotionally separated from my friends. Mind you, this song is pretty emo-ish and depressing, as pretty as it is……. *next track please*

I am meant to have an exam at Flinders tomorrow. I don’t think I’m going. I have viral conjunctivitis and it sucks. It ruined my day today. I had a picnic I could have gone to…… but before that, I had work, at which I earn my money that I need to pay back my car. I need about 150/week. I’m getting like 85. Not happy. I need another job to work during the week, even if it means I start at 9 and end at like 12 or something…. Hmmmm that would be lovely actually…….

It seems wrong to feel so strongly.

Maybe I am better than you. I’ve tried harder. Worked harder. I live in better circumstances. I went to a better school than you. I’m a snob, if I think like that. So I don’t. but there’s always still a small part of me that reminds me of these little statements every time something comes up that proves them.

I haven’t dealt with the same crap you have. But I’m certain that I would have dealt with it differently. I can’t make you change, can I? I know I cannot without losing you, and losing my sanity. If I save people as my job…. Maybe I won’t have to save the people I love. Yes, I used that word.

What a stupid word. But..... that is beside the point. If I follow parental approval, you're not good enough for me. If I follow how I feel around you, you're the one for me. And so I do the sensible thing, and follow myself. But if you know...... By god, if you knew ..... That the roots of this are spreading through my ribs and twisting around my organs, making me nervous whenever I pull up at your door, and squeeze my heart every time you look into my eyes and that half-grin appears and half my brain falls out my ear, leaving you looking confused at my own goofy grin.

God, what am I SAYING?!

The body that you just slaughtered..... That was someone’s child. Someone’s husband. Someone’s father. The humans are a barbarous race. The only other animal known to hunt others of its kind, with some form of order, without reason, is chimpanzees, as far as I am aware. We are destined for self destruction, really. People cannot expect to survive too much longer – despite our 'lets promote world peace' attitude. B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T!!! Like that's gonna happen. But then again...... every so often..... a little miracle happens, you see a scene from someone else's life, and it gives one hope, that maybe it actually will be okay.

Maybe everything will be okay.

The Moment She Knew

It's dark, pitch black, save for the occasional glimpse of the stars out the chink in the curtains.
It's warm, too much so, and she wriggles out from under the bed sheet - it's slightly suffocating, and she'd rather be able to breathe. She can't really believe she's here, but the air is too muggy and she is too groggy to mind all that much. She shuts her eyes, then opens them again, realising it makes no difference if she is awake or asleep- the world around her is quiet, save for the occasional sleeping-noise made by the other two in the room, one asleep, one as groggy as she.
It is this second that makes her not care, just for the moment, if she is whacked with a serious grounding when she finally decides to get up and go home. If she decides.

She pushes that thought aside and focuses on the sensation of the sheet on her back. It's too hot. She turns on her side, to let her back cool off, and no sooner has she done this, than she is pulled backwards, just a little, into another warm body, snuffling quietly into the back of her neck. She grins: it tickles. An arm snakes across her bare stomach, and pulls her in even closer, so her entire back makes contact with another's torso. It's too hot. But this time she doesn't care about the heat - she can deal with it, and her bare front cools her down anyway, she reasons with herself. She feels a line of kisses rise from between her shoulder blades to the nape of her neck, where the lips remain, breathing on her, giving her goose bumps.
She smiles to herself - the last eight hours have given her a lot to smile about, and though it makes her face ache slightly to continue doing so, she does, even though no one can see her. Not even him.
Although, as this thought occurs to her, the lips move, singing, almost inaudibly. But she hears. 'I know I'm nothing but skin and bones, but I sure think you're beautiful, with your long long hair and your big blue eyes, I'm glad I made you mine tonight'. She almost cries - these same lyrics had been drumming through the speakers several hours before, to their jokes, but he changed them, just for this day, just for this moment, just for her . She doesn't think he realises how that affects her, and she can't truly express it to anyone but herself, so she wriggles around until she faces the eyes that captivate her mind, and kisses his lips, whispering, 'Thank you'. It's the moment she realises he's a keeper, and she doesn't want to let him go, not from her heart. Content that she will not be hurt, belittled, scared, or broken like the those have before him, she nuzzles into him so her head leans on his chest and arm, and promptly falls asleep.

WOW wow wow ......

Rarely will i make a recommendation, or a request to read or do something, because i know that eveyone has their own opinions and mine mean shit to 99.9% of the worlds population.
But this song...... it's called Shadows of Darkness, by SummerLine.
**many apologies if this is actually a typo - that was how i found it in the 1st place - was googling Summerlin**


so.. this is the youtube *link*

and i will post it at the bottom of my site, near the quotes... it's so beautiful.... the epitome of music in my eyes (*eye?)

Friday, 27 November 2009

I think emo photography is beautiful ...

don't care what you think about it.

Hate the mentality. Love the pictures.

*pic courtesy of*

Today is Friday (for lack of a better title)

I love how I can always tell if Jimmy has read my blog by whether or not every consecutive post has a 'yes' ticked.

I also think my blog is rather pretty. That's just me being self-satisfied because its this dusty blue. *shrugs* It's calming, and gives me a chance to BLOW YOU ALL AWAY with my words.

...Or not...

I am loving this day. the plan was to take my dogs on a walk each (its too hard to walk both at once- Gus is constantly with ears back, pulling on the harness (yes, we had to et him a doggy harness - he pulls so hard on his chokechain and collar, he'd rather choke to death than walk like a normal person.... uh, dog. At least I have my angel baby. *love*

Anyway... This idea has since been put to rest because I havent eaten enough today to do a grand total of 12km walking (one lap per dog). And i've already had a shower today.
I have this thing about people showering more than once a day... it really bothers me - mainly cause I'm a water conserver haha... mostly. :) I mean, if you by some freak accident get cake hurled at you, or you fall in a puddle ass deep in mud or something, this is understandably, reasonably necessary :)
On the matter of not eating... its not that i'm not hungry, I am, and I have a very ripe nana with me as I type :) and a bottle of water :) but I figure.... the fruit salad that i WAS going to chow down on, is full of rockmelon.
I hate rockmelon. (I keep going to put a 'g' on the end of that. must stop typing rockmelong. Argh. For fucks sake!!!)
I'm usually pretty chill about food - I'll certainly try something. But yeah, I just dont feel like eating. I do worry this is going to fester as an eating disorder, though, because I am so supremely happy that I'm getting skinnier. I promise to all you that read this, and to myself especially, I'll take care of myself. Including eating properly. It's just one of those days, you know?
*munches on banana*
nom nom nom
*exact sound effect*

Miss A and I decided we had to write out cast lists for our lives. It saves having to explain things every time I say someones name rather than their association with me. I just realised that mine is so big it's going to need a venn diagram to go with it so when I say 'the crew' we both know who I'm talking about.

I am so vain sometimes: every time I see my face in a mirror, I stare at my eyes, then my jawline, and then back into my iris, and I smile. Because they're shining, and a smile is necessary. I'm getting wrinkles from smiling so much, but there is so much to smile about. He is the reason I smile so much, well, one of the reasons. I have a new friend who I am having much fun in setting up a birthday present for.
*And no, it isn't heaps of hassle, or expensive - I dont have the money for that kind of prezzie, so I'm doing something even better... *

Life is going so good, and i'm about to stick a spanner in the works, again, but you gotta do these things so that the road ahead may be smoother. To the statement 'you could do better', comes this reply:
Yeah, you know what, I probably could, but I'm quickly finding myself a part of a warm loving new brood (new to me) and I don't know why I feel like this, its rather illogical, but thats the way it is. And besides, the people best for you are those that make you happy, and this is what he does.

I am laying here on my bed, typing away, trying not to make too many spelling errors **notice the GRAMMAR in this one!**, watching the shadow of a bush that overhands our brick wall. as the clouds cover the sun, it disappears, and when they move on, the shadow reappears.
It's kinda a weird, trippy, analogy for life..... when the clouds cover up the sunshine, we disappear, but sure enough, the clouds dissapate and we return in full force :) :)

*phase one of bday present: complete*

Thursday, 26 November 2009

April, Xmas, Sleepovers.

okay i've been reading aprils blog for most of the evening on and off. and i've decided it's time for me to write my own.

its interesting to see the extreme difference in writing style, and i think am going to take a leaf out of her book and write here.

i like having a boyfriend. it's only been 8 days, but it feels longer for me because we've been hanging out at least once a week thereabouts for lik 2 months. drives me crazy when he's not around, and i'm not gonna lie - i'm getting rather attached, enough to realise that it's LONELY without him - i'm on my own a lot recently. i know mum feels kinda guilty about leaving me home on my own, but frase is here sometimes because of his exams, and shes usually home before 2...... but still, i wont lie, i do enjoy my 'me' time... but 2 weeks of it is making me NEED people. it sucks.
thankfully i have april, whom i talk to every night. now mum doesnt even bother finishing asking who im talking to: 'who are you..... oh, april'
hahah. it makes me laugh. i think she thinks im being naiive by spending so much time talking to one person, like my enthusiasm is a symptom of foolishness. i like the girl. i really like her. its like looking in a mirror sometimes. i love it. no doubt in a few months, itll drive me nuts she knows that im thinking..... but its nice not to have to explain my reasoning in everything i ever think. but yes, i think shes fast becoming one of my best friends. XD

new topic: christmas.
jesus christ! not again!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i know, i'm terrible. i should love xmas. i dont know why i dont.
yes i do. its ALWAYS stressful. He suggested me staying over there xmas eve so i can go see his dad on xmas day, which was a rather exciting prospect............ but the likelihood of this happening is somewhere between small and impossible
but 'small' is a VERY optimistic guess. *sigh* i just wanna be able to snooze to the sound of a heartbeat other than my own. no funny stuffs whatsoever!

its hard to explain why i'd rather not come home. i have a nice house and a nice family and two beautiful dogs............. and until recently during a talk with my brother who is fast becoming frankly amazing, (lol nice pen name...Frank Lee Amazing).... but still...... im finding a new home at the same time, and i love being at them both. one's calm, the other vaguely crazy, but this is merely the culture shock. AND I LOVE IT.

oh, and by the way, i KNOW my grammar is disgusting. i figure....... im writing as fast as my little fingers can move, and my brain works at a MUCH faster rate. grammar is thrown by the wayside to make way for the frankly more important things of SUBSTANCE. hehe just thoguht i hsould mention that because i know i read my posts and it just looks like its one MASSIVE sentence. oh well..... ill probably go through in my copious amounts of spare time and read and correct my ENTIRE ARCHIVE. because yea, i am way cool like that.

i cant believe its only been 8 days.......

wow im lame

Just saw I had a visitor from Swaziland. Thought that was rather exciting. Wasn't on there for long, but I think the name is pretty cool nonetheless.

Tuesday, 24 November 2009


I had a Moment today, well, a few actually. The most surreal was whilst walking my beloved Gus down the route i normally take Rani because I can take her off the lead. It was, really, just the culmination of the feeling I've had all day, wondering at what point did my own writing stop and summaries of things that happen to me began. Have vowed to write something decent soon, though I did start one... but I dont think I can finish it because I have no idea where it's going. -.-

But that wasn't The Moment. I was listening to some rather trippy electro/new-age music, and noticed how manicured the grounds of this vineyard are, even the trees were so. But the trees..... there was all this grass on the right ofthe driveway up to the main buildings, and out of nowhere theres like seven trees of different sizes, all the same kind, sticking up outta the ground in a little clump like neon green lollypops.

I almost had to stop and do a double take - only reason I didn't was because I made myself look at the opposite side of the road, into the more scraggly bush, to get a bit more perspective. But still, with nobody other me and my dog - not even a car! - it was pretty eerie.

I think a part of it is me coming to terms with myself as a person, and myself as I interract with others. Perhaps I make things overly complicated. I'm not sure. But I realised, I need to relax, properly so, and stop worrying about how fragile this is. Fact is: it isnt fragile. He wouldn't have entered into it if he weren't sure, and I'm just here grinning from ear to ear cause he whispered in my ear so only I could hear, 'mine', and pulled me closer. And that was the Moment while staring at a dead tree on the horizon that I never noticed before.

'Cause if you jump
I will jump too
We will fall together
From the buildings ledge
Never look back at what we've done
We'll say it was love
Cause I would die for you
On Skyway Avenue

Monday, 23 November 2009

it's kinda like tempting fate

it's a wonder, really, that that pessimistic view doesnt kill things.
maybe it will?
i don't know.

i've learned its not a good idea to be too forthcoming with words and feelings -despite this being against my nature and rather hypocritical-, because it gets me 1. into trouble and 2. kills it. oh, and 3. at the end makes me feel like i gave a piece of me away that i can't get back, and i gave it away too quickly. i'm referring to the emotional and verbal labelling of things. things that should not, or cannot have a label.

Friday, 20 November 2009

Don't Hate Me for Feeling Good

It's a smile, a wink, a sideways glance.
A catcall, a wolf whistle, a 'seeya gorgeous' from someone I've known for 40 minutes.
It's the realisation that low self esteem is pointless emotional torture.
It's knowing that there's gonna be people out there that hate me, and those that love me.
Knowing that i am me, and no one else, even if it seems like this is the case.
Because, you see, I'm happy being 'just me' and I'd rather not be anyone else.
I want to know what lies in store for the kid that thinks she has some kind of magic mental power, and that loves to lay on the sand with the car stereo pumping, laughing to the memories of yesteryear.

After hearing a sentence that kinda took me aback from my favourite person at the moment *coughAprilcough*, i decided to throw all this self esteem yuck to the wind. it's more fun being happy with my reflection than standing there and wanting to cry. indeed, sometime in April this year, this very breakdown happened. and it sucked. it was like an anxiety attack, i couldn't breathe, but i was hyperventilating at the same time. i blame the poor lights showing up every bump in the surface of my skin, and my then-hate of shopping. (this has since changed)

so, this is kinda annoying for some people to read I'm sure: 'ugh, shut up already i don't want to hear about how good you're feeling about yourself'. and in comes the statement 'if i didn't like you so much I'd probably hate you'.


when did this happen? has it always been so? forgive me for sounding stupid, but i thought I was supposed to be the person thinking that of others!

... guess not...

well, shall just have to win them all over with my dashing smile and charming wit.
ahaha there's a funny thought. my sense of humour is reserved only for the few people content to laugh with me when i laugh at myself. the smile will have to do, i suppose



but yes.

oh wow... newsflash on whats happening right now other than me sitting on my bed typing this nonsense...... its RAINING
like.. properly raining, with massive fat drops.
wooooooooooooo spring is here!!!! fuck summer for a while, i miss my balmy days and this warm rain. it's been so dark outside despite it being midday, it was bound to happen sometime. I'm just hoping it isn't crappy at the beach! on that note......
I'm going to schoolies in a few hours. i still need to pack my shit into some kind of bag and work out what on earth I'm going to do with myself since I'll have no computer

**i can smell the rain**

and wet concrete. yummy

no, really, it is. it gets caught in my nose like the smell of bacon does, until i have to breath out my mouth or risk asphyxiation.

i can hear a cockatoos, lorikeets, galahs... it's like the rain unlocked their vocal cords and theyre using them for all theyre worth. i'm actually going to stop my music just to hear them :) :) its gonna get annoying soon, i can tell, but right now... it's so beautiful. makes me proud to be an Aussie, living where i do. they don't get this elsewhere!

okay, going to the shops. will write a little more when i'm back.

"I look like a head in a tomato"

where do i start?
it's 1am on the dot. thats exciting.
not as exciting as me standing in front of my mirror an hour ago in my tartan mini and blck singlet and 5 inch heels, grinning like an idiot, thinking 'damn i'm hot', for no reason other than i can.
conceited? maybe. its just i havent feelt like that for a long time, and this new found confidence has brought so much to my life, i dont think i want to let it go.

i have a story here that was in the english exam that i read and almost cried, it's so beautiful. well, i think so. others may think otherwise. please read it, its no more than 800 words and worth the time.

am up talking to April...... again. and the title of this post is one product of this cnversation. as was the heels and mini (admittedly i was wearing the mini all day today. woo for hot weather). mega excited for her bday :) dunno whats happening but apparently i'm her bet now, so i need a collar and a name tag. bahahahah.

yesterday was one of the most incredible days ive had. just seems that one day after another is amazing when He is involved. lets face it, He's my muse right now, and He shant be named, but its blindingly obvious who i'm referring to. it's not the 'will you go out with me?' or the 'everyone, this is my girlfriend' that sticks in my head, nor the afternoon at the beach, or swimming in the river in my underwear because i had no bathers, but the feeling of a pair of arms around me, in the dead of night, where its too hot but his skin is cool, whispering 'mine' and whisper-singing to me ......that will be the memory i hold of the 18th of November.

i've never swum in the Murray before yesterday. it was great fun, but the mud was so ookie! and the glass shard i found wasn't reassuring, but i am definitley going to that spot again sometime really soon.

my car, as beautiful as she is, is a nightmare to drive because i'm terrible with hill starts and stalled 8 times or more at a busy intersection. all on my own. it was terrifying. but i got to the bridge fine, so i'm content.

i know these are all little paragraphs, and i apoligise, but its now 1.40 and i am exhausted and have very few thoguhts longer than this paragraph itself. :) arent i clever. serves me right for keeping such terrible hours. its gonna bite me on the ass soon..... i really need to go to bed at 10.30, just so i'm waking up before 11 and can do things with my cool daylight hours!

anywho... in summary, i have now proven that patience does pay off, and ask (nicely) and you shall recieve. all this angst about what was going through his head, and if i was wasting my emotional energy on soething that wasn't going to be worth it at all in the end.....
he is mine, and i am his, and thats the way i like it.the phrase 'i dont want to be monogamous for a while' was quickly followed by his introduction into my life, and this sentence was cracked wide open, seen to be rotten, and put in the bin. fact is, i love having a boyfriend... it's a matter of finding the right one, thats all. and i'm thrilled that his lop-sided grin, telling me he knows something i dont, is directed at me. and i wouldn't have it any other way.

Monday, 16 November 2009

cause i can.

yes, i know it is almost 2 am.
fact is, i'm talking to someone i suspect is going to be rather a good friend of mine somewhere down the track, and i'm rather enjoying the conversation.
:):):) i love meeting new people - yeah, i'm not as outgoing with strangers as i am with people i know - that that's a given isnt it? this is why i love the internet - i can write and write and write....... and its okay.
but yes. last night was oodles of fun (is embarrassing i just used that word in that context - how grown up am i?!).
again, am at a loss as to what to do with my llife, so i'm staying up all night because i can, talking to April *note mention here :)* who i suspect is a slightly older version of me - its rather alarming, really, but lovely at the same time. XD

work today was a little hellish because it was so sporadically busy. i had this lovely trio come and sit in for lunch and afternoon tea.... no joke, they stayed for 2 hours! i dont mind this, but they were rather chatty, and i atuomatically make eye contact when i talk to people - makes it hard to read the lists and clean the coffee machine, not to mention sweep and mop.
but it's okay, it was a good, albeit humid (evaporative a/c) arvo, and i got a letter of praise in it for me ahhahah WIN!

ok its 3.04 am now. and this is the latest ive been up since the after party in may. sad much? and im up cause i can be. loving it though. music, warm n comfy, and good conversation. im just crapping on now - its 3 am people, i have no functional brain cells and shant for a while. i think i will be sleeping all day tomorrow...... but knowig me ill be up by 9am because my internal clock is shouting in a john cleese like manner that i have to get up and march, march, march the goose step.

3.23 now.

i think i'm in the middle of soething beautiful now, and it scares the hell out of me because i think it runns in my veins a little deeper than i'd like it to. but this is the way it is. and though i'm terrified............. there's so much to gain. and no daniel, its a g, not a p.

bring it on. because i can see the tea stained colour of old paper, and the burned edges, shining with a little light bulb from the sun on the other side, illuminating what could be, and if you dont mind i'd like to keep this, but burn the paper, so i can bathe in that lovely warmth of the sun's presence. and perhaps yours?

peace out

Saturday, 14 November 2009

part 1 of a long post.

warning: this is one of my super duper long posts. and as such is in more than one part.

it's weird, sitting here realising that all i have to do is purge my room and i can stay up as late as i want on sunday night because there's no 6.30wake-up call for school. my life feels suddenly empty, and i'm trying to fill in all the gaps just so i dont find myself getting really desperate and painting the wall or something.
that reminds me...
but yes, i am a compulsive cleaner when i'm a)nervous b) on the phone c) unimaginably bored.
though, having said that, there is something deliciously enticing about the notion of laying on my carpet (once its vaccuumed so i'm not in an inch of ick) and just staring at the ceiling. i did that the other week, then realised my art major assignment was due. not much fun. and yet this time i can just lay there and do nothing (unless it happens to be 3.15 next tuesday in which i'll, again, gasp, bolt upright, swear rather violently, and race out the door).

had my eyelashes dyed today. of all the mornings i wanted to sleep in til 9.30, today was the day. sadly not. athe appointment was for 8.15. why oh WHY did i make it that early?!?!!? haha but that was a truly existential experience, laying in a dark room on my own for 15 mins or whatever, waiting for the dye to stick. looks good though - kinda trippy... i love it even though it didnt have that much effect cause i have black black lashes anyways. XD

yesterday was without a doubt one of the best days of my life. Maths exam in the morning, which kinda sucked, but it wasnt too hard - just enough to challenge me for the remaining 40 mins once every other part had been done (you'd think differentiating (1/3)piR^2(R+1.5) would be easy considering i know how to do it. alas not.) i sat there mentally abusing it until 12.12, after which i literally ran up the stairs, got changed in the study room... got stuck doing so (that was awkward) and then raced off to see if my car had been towed.

note to self: don't park in 'reserved' zones, directly in front of the sign stating any unauthorised cars will be towed at owners expense. too much mental stress.

drove straight to the Bridge, stereo up loud (you know your bass is too strong when you can see the rear view and side mirrors vibrating to the beat whilst going 100km/h). got to see person, had lunch by the river - one of the best things ive done, i think. only thing that could have made it better was a picnic rug (short skirt plus prickly grass is not a good combination).
drove home, chatting laughing singing and such *i know i go too fast, it's not my fault youre a bad influence on me lol*.
i have work in half an hour so i better keep typing (keep getting distracted).
i havent been swimming properly for aaages... its bleaching my hair!!!! so much for brown hair..... lols. oh well. kinda learned to skate. kinda. am going to need a lot more practice than 20 mins in a small area! mind you, racers and a skirt and sneakers arent the best clothes to be learning in....

art show last night. was epic proudness of it! everyone stuff looked so good haha. i admit i was disappointed i didnt get into the ssabsa art show, but i'm pleased the three that did get in, did- their stuff definitely deserves the credit! Though, I got the next best thing, and it totally made up for it - got the senior art prize. Much happiness at this - it came with a $50 voucher for premier art, which means i can start collecting up my studio stuffs - starting with a box of Micador Soft Pastels and some pastel paper XD woooo creative hobby here i come.

am somewhat sunburned from drying off on the trampoline yesterday. i'm rather upset by this as the other person with me, who is a fair few shades paler than i, didnt get red at all! though i do have a lovely tan from it, so i guess it makes up for it.... XD

am going to feast after work :) i'm excited - i've not been before and it sounds like a lot of fun :) :) :) my sexuality stays with me - i'm the support groupie haha not the one coming out, just so's you know. but yes..... another late night, i suspect, which is mildly a shame because i'm so tired from last night. it wasnt even that active, but i was asleep in the car on the way home, and still managed to stay up til past 12 for a reason i cannot for the life of me remember.

well, it's 11.50. i've got to scoot as i'm not even dressed yet in my blacks. :S o well. 3 min walk XD

will write again sometime soon, promise. i have many, many thoughts for this particular time of year.


Thursday, 12 November 2009

that was when i ruled the world

I am terrified of embarrassing myself.
It is why people think I am a quiet, studious child.
Fact is, I make a fool of myself on a regular basis when just with friends.
So why not everyone else?
Is it like some kind of defence mechanism - don’t let people in, and so forth?
I’m the girl who walks to work grinning ear to ear, and the girl on the bus looks like she’s in her early 20's, in the sunnies, cheek slightly pulled back in a lopsided grin as if she knows something you don't.
I dance in my room with the music pumped up loud enough I can’t hear myself think, and I’m sure the neighbours would complain except that their teenager went through this phase too - but his was always hard rock and metal. Mine is too.... 'Cept for the fact I don’t like metal too. Who cares, its noise, and it’s nice noise XD
I bounce around laughing, playing with my pup, and singing loud my favourite songs when I walk the older one. I’m the one in the daggy car with the window rolled down and the bass up as high as it goes, singing to snow patrol or MIA or something similar.

And you know what, if that is embarrassing............. I don’t care.
It makes me me and I love who I am. I love whom I am around. I love that I don’t fight like we used to, and I’m not as moody as I used to be (posts re this were deleted due to parental request after one was emailed to the principal and I got a phone call.... much humiliation had XD). I love that summer is here even though its mid November, and that I can run around in my bathers again and it doesn’t look out of place, I love that my room is TIDY, and that I’m still high off my first truly independent 'me' day, while still being productive.

Got the inspirational music from Coldplay belting thru the speaker next to me, making my skin tingle for some reason (harmonies do that to me). And as they have beautifully put 'that was when I ruled the world'. My friends, this time is coming again and I’m feeling so amazing that

Monday, 9 November 2009

little bites of hope and philosophy and smiley

i'm sitting herre, in a pair of flannel pants and boxers, and a big t-shirt, getting hotter and hotter.
and, surprisingly, it's not because of the clothes. it's the realisation that i'm getting no sleep in that scenario: the cliche where you talk all through the night. and this time, it wont matter that we wake up at 2 the next afternoon - we have all the time in the world, just between us.

i am seeing first hand the fruits of patience: it was once just out of reach..... not now. it's so, so close, i can brush my fingertips against its surface, it's just a matter of time before it turns around and i can grip onto it and pull it close


and in this same strange analogy, i will say whole heartedly that optimism pays off - if i'd fallen over and given up i'd not be where i am now, with such beautiful people.
but no - its a challenge, a game, a hard one to fight, this life. but we do it anyway, because not doing so means that everyone else wins, and i miss the opportunities i dream of. but there they sit, grinning in a way that makes me nervous and calm and excited .... all at the same time. and i'm fairly certain that if my determaination to be 'lucky' and positive wasn't as strong as it is, i'd be a lot lonelier and more bored than i am now.

it begins as an uncertainty. you can't know the person behind the face, the smile behind the lips, without opening yourself to maybe being figured out, yourself.
As it currently is, i think i got lucky.

and yeah, this is just me going on about how great my life is.

fact is, this once, i don't care how stuck up i sound about it: my life is GOOD. Ripped todays exam to shreds, and fought to keep the people i care about around. I have a pool to dive into and wash away the day, and a garden to hide in and sun myself to imprint today onto me for all to see.

i don't do drugs, as a choice, but also because ive never, ever been around them. pretty sheltered, hey. but i bet this is what being high feels like - its all a little surreal, and im having trouble pulling my thoughts together, as shown by the atrocious format of this post.

i'm always over analysing things, re-reading things, just in case i misinterpreted it. really, it just fills in as a reassurance that i havent just fucked up something good.
and then... i realised that the best way to do this, is just to be me - if people leave because of the way i am, theyre not worth my time. easy.

going to make a spot to hang out up the back, i think. all welcome if you know who i am and where i live, that is. haha. i figure its a place to hang out with good food, good drink and great music, on the picnic rugs and chairs just as us.

sounds good, hey?

thats because life's good.

Saturday, 7 November 2009

Today is Saturday, and what a good Saturday it is : )

Well today certainly was an interesting day, to say the least: warm weather, drive to softball, home run XD, morning tea with sister, get home and garden for ages, then go and look at a car (the afterwards didnt go too well, put it that way). from this test i can officially say that i hate road noise, but if it's absolutely necessary then i'll deal with it. attempted biology revision. failed at that, and had a 2 hour chatty conversation with a friend instead :). took Gus on a walk and now i'm here.
well wasnt that a barrel of laughs readin that. i'll not put you through that again. onto more pressing topics....

1. i swear it's like attack of the killer bees outside, or at least, it was when it was light. all i could hear in my room was the dull roar of a swarm of bees making itself comfy in its brand new home: the roof RIGHT ABOVE MY BEDROOM. This is soooo not going to be fun later on, i'm hoping its only temporary and they, er, buzz off, soon, because it's not nice having 20 bees zooming around the house freaking out that they ended up on the wrong side of the glass. There's one currently sleeping on a tissue in on my windowsill. i think it thinks its a flower (its scrunched up). doesn't bother me though, because it's dark and bees cant fly in the dark :D

In other news, just to get real obsessive on you, some of the regulars may know that i keep a profile of my webpage, so i can see the demgraphic reading my words. for the most part, it's Aussies, several regulars are my friends, though there are a few very regular others - there's a new addition to these regulars I'd like to make special mention to, and no, i'm not a stalker, i'm simply referring to the data presented to my using an IP address that i cannot trace closer than the nearest global satellite tower. I make this mention somply because there as an IP addy from somewhere near Reynella that made many many recurring visits to different posts over the past few days. To whoever you are, thank you for taking the time to read through what is some of my best, and crappiest, writing. :) I'd like to know your thoughts.
Then again, that goes for everyone :) 'like/dislike' buttons are all well and good (jimmy :P) but text critiques are even better :)

Weather is warm and i only have 3 exams to go. Not worried in the slightest about the two most pressing ones - I merely need to re-read my notes on Art and i'm all set - there's not really anything to revise for Bio because i know it like the back of my hand.... or it feels like it anyways. Not sayin' i'll do no revision whatsoever.... just that i'll do it tomorrow after work. :P
So excited - am gonna be a social butterfly this summer - will have enough time to stay super busy, at the same time as being a lazy bum laying on the beach laughing with people i love to be around.

Thursday, 5 November 2009

... but this time, all by myself , and thats the way i'll keep it, please.

I remember what you wore on the first day
You came into my life
And I thought hey
You know this could be something

There they go again, showing me music, imprinting themselves onto the track as I hear it for the first time, burning it, and them, into my association bank.
I can't listen to some music for the memories it brings forth. The regret, anger, tears, happiness, and angst they caused. It's been months since I dared to sing 'Broken' by Seether again after that week in February.
Fireflies makes my heart burst with excitement and freedom, because when i plays all i see is the black of night and the reflective street signs flying past at a speed way beyond those signs. And before that burst, is a rather sharp ache or sadness.
Chasing Cars is just a song, now, one that we would tell to eachother, seeing if we could recite the whole song to eachother, alternating words, without stuffing up. We didn't make it, by either standard.
And now I'm a memory, sitting in the lyrics of a song that warbles of a failed relationship that the singer walked out on.

Except this one band. I found them. Just me, no boys. Granted, thousands of people know about them..... Boys Like Girls.... but in my circle, me... just me. No memories attached except the feeling of running through a line of pine trees, without a soul in the world to judge, or criticise.

A smile splits the blank face, making apples appear in either cheek, and a shine glow from both eyes. The smile broadens, and she looks down, as though shying away from the notion, but all it is is submission to Happy. All by herself.

Tuesday, 3 November 2009

hiding from myself? found by my ipod.

methinks i need to change my ipod playlist from the recently added songs to all my regular ones - it's full of We Shot the Moon, REM, Alanis Morisette and James Morrison, among others, and it's making me a little melancholy. Though blues etc this is intended - and i love James Morrison regardless... it's the other songs that are bothering me.

You make it real for me,
and even though i'm not sure
of where i stand
and of how i feel
or of how your feel about me,
you make me feel something
that i havent felt in a long time,
to the point
where i wonder when i last truly felt that.
not for a year.
i look in the mirror,
and see a face that is me,
but it's expressionless,
at least until your name comes up on the caller ID
and a grin splits the neutrality.
is it just a teenage crush?
but i have a feeling deep down
that i don't like to entertain
because it tells me
that i'm going to get my heart
left in the gutter.
but the explosion of positive optimism
and happiness
and safety
that being wrapped up in your arms,
skin on skin,
warmth on warmth,
i don't want to let that go.
because as stupid as it seems,
you make me feel
like i'm at home,
yes you make it real for me.

Sunday, 1 November 2009

And yet another tragic ending.

all this revision is getting me down. not because i could have been out doing other things - no, it's rather relaxing for this tired mind to be laying on her bed reading notes from many months ago - but because the content that said mind is reading, is rather depressive.

The Great Gatsby, in short, boils down to a man building his entire life around getting his once-sweetheart to fall in love with him again, but she's married and has a little girl. He learns the hard way that the past cannot be repeated. The whole thing left me blinking at the coffee table thinking 'what the HELL was that for?!' - it has a rather, er, unexpected ending, put it that way - then again, live destructively and you yourself shall be destroyed, so maybe it's not that unexpected after all.

The Crucible makes me flinch EVERY time i think about the terrible things that happened, but more so over exactly why. People are horrible creatures, and this play gave me no faith in humanity whatsoever, though it was a very clever socio-political comment on the McCarthy Regime of the 1950's and how the US has a rather odd quirk of repeating its mistakes
to err is human - to repeat this is stupidity
hmmm.... certainly doesn't help the global image, ey?

I think they jsut gave us all the depressing things to remember for year 12 because we wouldn't have understood their impact in previous years....

Cabaret, directed by Bob Fosse (by some irony, complaining about these books is helping me remember - go figure) came out in the 1970's and was revolutionary for its time in that it wasnt all joyous and spontaneous whole-street-worth-of-people-randomly-burst-into-song numbers - it was a harsh political comment re Germany just pre WW2. again, the main character is not someone we want to sympathise with, but at the same time, like Gatsby (in the Great Gatsby, obviously), we do because we see the reasoning behind Sally's actions - her desire for attention is due to her fathers total lack of said attention, and this in itself spawns a host of other issues, like her shallow selfishness, to hide the vunerable child inside her.
the songs are great, but there are some things that drive me up the wall - mainly Sally - because all through it, i had no sympathy for her whatsoever, and got extremely annoyed at Brian for sticking around as long as he did when it was obvious she's in it for noone but herself, and is insufferably annoying......apologies to those who love sally bowles as a character, this is merely my opinion, feel free to think its stupid, i don't.

but yes...... all three texts are, overall, a big bundle of wet blanket. ruined the mood in which i grinned from ear to ear the entire walk to work - i think the people in their cars must think theres something wrong with me- and its now replaced with apathy and a pressure on my eyelids telling me to go brush my teeth and snooze.
But i have poems to revise, and so i shall stop procrastinating with this post, and get a wriggle on, because i'm beginning to feel a stomach ulcer from the nervousness i keep hidden, for the most part, about what kinds of questions will be in thes exam, and what will be the compulsory topic.
i hope it's not poetry, thats all i can say. then again, i'm freaking out about all three sections, so its pot luck and this only makes my insides squirm more


but, it cannot be avoided, and as such i shan't complain any further, just put my pen to the paper and remember as much as i can, properly, for tomorrow.
I'm considering taking in a phone book to sit on, though, because the table is totally the wrong height for me - after my last lot of trial exams, i couldnt turn my neck properly to the right for about 8 weeks afterwards. am hoping this doesn't happen again as it was rather painful last time and am not keen to repat the experience.



that scent is intoxicating, and if that's the case, i want to stay drunk.

havent posted for a while, not properly, and not nearly as often as i usually do, because i've been absorbing everything. my art is finished, and i feel lighter. i have an english exam tomorrow and im freaking out because i can't breathe for more than 5 mins without yawning. but, right now, i'm listening to James Morrison 'Please Don't Stop The Rain'. it's warm and sunny outside, and i'm sinking into the abyss that is happiness due to another human being.
this is a colossaly dangerous way to go, especially right now. i nthree weeks i'll be throwing myself into it, but right now every third thoguht is about him. not good when every thought needs to be about the links between The Crucible and The Great Gatsby, and it doesn't help that i've lost my copy of the Crucible.

don't care that much, to be honest - i have enough notes that everything i need to know is in there, except quotes, and even then, i has the net to search for specific sections, so i'll be okay.
as it currently stands, i have to write because i cant say it aloud lest it act as a repellant.....
i said at the start of last week something aloing the lines of 'i get addicted to people, and i got addicted to you, and i just got over the withdrawl symptoms, so please don't pull me under again unless you mean to keep me there'. honestly, i didn't want to get pulled back under, but im annoyed with myself that i pulled myself back under, because he makes me fly higher than anyone else has. i don't know why, exactly. i can't express it, but in my mind's eye, all i see is an expanding mass of light and green power in my head, in my heart, filling me up, making me feel empty when he goes away. is this just the usual feeling one gets when someone they care about goes away?
it sucks. it leaves me sleepless, and i need my sleep.
but that scent is intoxicating, and if that's the case, i want to stay drunk. because it doesnt leave me vomiting at the end, it leaves me smiling, sinking into my pillow and quilt thinking 'yes, this is where i belong'

but if i fall to fast i'm going to get burned.
so here's the question: how do i use the brake? cause i'm heading into a tailspin: one mistake and i'm going to go down as a flaming mess, only to crash in a heap.
it's not a game anymore, it's caution, and carefulness, mixed with the strange sensation of pure safety, even though i shouldn't feel that way.

but i do.

and i love it.

Monday, 26 October 2009


i have four different drafts saved in my little blog box, but, truth is, i don't really feel like blogging. i'm all blogged out. finally. hahahahah, it'll start again when i'm not all weird inside. this place is a spot for airing my worries, memories, dreams, ideas and annoyances. i've got all this snow between my ears, like that cracky noise you get on a tv withotu reception - it's blocking out my thought process and literary creativity. i don't like it much. it's a calling of other things, and of my conscience finally breaking through with the nagging of 'do your work you procrastinating arse, you'll bomb out if you don't!'

ah well.
oh.... a little black dog just appeared, demanding to know why Rani gets a sleep on my bed and he doesn't. the simple reason: she warms up more of my quilt than he does....... i woke up sometime before the world is awake the other night to find a black furry hairball snoozing by my head. after thinking it was a person, i realised that no human is that small and covered in coarse black hair - must be Gus. of course, he did his best to push me off, but my shoulder is stronger than his pushing attempts and he fell off instead.

Olivia: 1
Gus: 0

in other news, this weather is fantastic. it's making study a whole lot harder, as is the distraction of boys..... speaking of which, i've decided, as much as i hate it with a passion, that my current dilemma is best settled with patience for about a week. i hate being patient, but this is a lesson i must learn, even thoguh it does take self dicipline ..... which i don't have....
eh. summer's coming, and with it comes a boy, i don't know who tho. i've jsut decided it will, cause summer romances, as cliched as they are, sound like fun :D don't you think?

it's an ache, an absence
but is it right to remain open to that which dissolves this ache?
or is it better to ignore it and wait for something else?

i don't like waiting because it makes my mind overthink everything. but, as it is, i still get butterflies from those eyes, and a sense of security from a t-shirt. (don't ask why).
so i sit here, listening to my iPod, which is currently cranking Damn Regret by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. <3 this song muchly.

so i shall post this even thoguh it's hardly finished and rather incoherent. i have an art essay to complete and i will feel much better after i do that. and then i will write again in a more poetic fashion, because those butterflies make me so excited about the world that it's gonna explode some time or another. may as well be constructive.


(for the record, the abbreviation as the title stands for 'can't be fucked due to too much home work')

Wednesday, 21 October 2009

just to get all nostalgic on you (amongst other things)

It's that time of year when everyone takes a step back, just a little, and thinks, 'wow, look at what I've done, look at what's happened this year, and now I think about it, where the HELL has the year gone?!'
Well, I'm thinking this right now, as I prepare my clothes, towels and other things for tomorrow at school, and the antics that are going to happen.
though, it isn't the only thing on my mind: ever the game player, i've found a new challenge, and the strategy for this one is difficult, much moreso than the previous one. but, we'll see - i might win this one rather than bomb out like last time.
so, i'm excited about that one, because it's a bit of fun.
i'm thrilled about the notion of valedictory and such on friday, but we'll see if them tears don't show up - i bet you they will, and ruin all photos in the process....
eh, it's gonna be amazing. i'm going to take so many photos tomorrow of as many people as i can find - good times tomorrow :) will report on what ACTUALLY happens tomorrow night so you are all better informed rather than the hush hush of now. :)

ciao xo

Monday, 19 October 2009

It's everything we hold dear.

It's everything we hold dear.
I, as a patriotic Aussie kiddy, raise my hackles at any form of put-down or criticism of our history or values etc.
But then, upon considering Bill Bryson's observation of Ned Kelly, I realised ... He's right.
We were taught from an early age that Kelly was both a hero and a villain, but there was a tad more emphasis placed on the hero part. I mean, they made a movie (aptly called 'ned kelly') a few years ago, with Heath Ledger (rip) as our main protagonist. And what a splendid story it is, when played in the right light - the underdog sticking it to the Man.

This last phrase is why he's considered a heroby millions, while the foreigners sit there scratching their heads wondering the reason behind such a strange option of person to idolise. He was a thief, and a murderer. But he stuck it to the man, and that's why we love the story.

We're built on being the underdog, and coming out on top. We're lovers of the success story (Step-Up, Freedom Writers, anyone?) and we love the movie renditions of said successes.

Australians are as a whole apathetic and racist. I say as a whole because I know many people that are neither of these, but there is a large number of people that are. Our policies are this way, also. Sometimes the solution seems to simple, but we just can't be bothered disturbing the surface lest the ripples turn into waves and a tsunami.
We talk of a great sunburnt country (or is it sunburned? in summer i think we should spell it like that) and we are the people that live in a 'multicultura' society, so long as you confom to our version of things. remember the 'white australia' policies of previous decades?

i'm ranting now, but i just thought that i would write that down before i forget it. and, on this same note, is this statement

ever seen the shadow of the clouds move across a hillside? if not, you should, it's truly amazing at putting things into perspective.


Sunday, 18 October 2009

What happened? I grew up.

I promised myself that I would read my archives, all of them, after I found out it was Jim that was 'yes'-ing all my posts. Such a sweet boy. And what he said had some relevance, particularly noting how I've changed over the course of the last 2 years.
This was why I began this in the first place- to document my growth as a teenager, and as a person.
Some people hand-write diaries, others take photos, and then these are shown to our kids, if we have them, to let them in on how our lives were like when we were their age.
Another part of me, the part that is fuelled from recognition (a typical first-born trait, I hear) is to have my thoughts out there for the world to see, if they can find this little URL. And, from this discovery, that my thoughts may be of some help to someone, somewhere.

Another note on change that I noticed about half an hour ago when my mother was kind enough to spring me on my laptop at 8.45 in the morning, by opening my door without knocking. Again. What surprised me was that there was no disapproving stare, no comments about it, like there was a few months ago, the only thing she said was 'good morning' and asked if I wanted her to make me a bacon and egg sandwich, and a cuppa.
I love getting brekkie in bed, moreso today because I'm so sore from softball yesterday. I guess its action, reaction - run hard, throw hard, play hard, and you're gonna have complaining muscles in the morning!
But that's not the point. This change, although slow - very slow, has happened, and is happening even now. It's hard to come to terms with losing a child, only to have it replaced with a young adult who basically doesn't need you to care for them anymore. I'm sure that if I went away, like I shall on Schoolies, I could be totally self-sufficient..... even including the washing machine.

..........When I was in year 9 (i think. it might have been yr8), I was at a friends place, riding his bike down their, very long, unsealed, driveway. he's much taller than me and as such I couldn't touch the ground. The chain came off and i landed, at speed, on the gravel and dirt wearing nothing more than short boardies and a little tankini top. It was horrible, I had scrapes all across my chest and arms and legs. I just thought, 'ouch, that stings' and limped back up to the others with the bike, then into our parents, patiently asking if I could have a few bandaids. I still have the scars on the inside of my right arm from it.... and this may be where the mysterious vertical scar on my stomach came from..... hmmmmm....... anyway, dad said to me on the way home 'you surprised me, Olivia' and I said, 'why is that, dad' and he replied, 'because if you'd done that six months ago, you'd have come in screaming and crying'.
It hadn't even occurred to me to cry.

There you go, another somewhat pointless story from my rather short biography. The point of this was just to back up what I'm realising as I read through April this year - I'm growing up, and amazingly, as old doors close and new ones open, I'm getting the opportunity to try out things for myself that I don't do now, partly because of conventions from the past - more outgoing, or friendly if I can be, and it's not too intimidating, and changing my mindsets- a year ago I thought that two years older than myself was much too old to be dating someone, or would have too different a lifestyle to be friends. That's nonsense, I see that now. I mean, I have Brian, my best bud, who's turning 21 in about a month, and friends that have left school one, two, three, four years ago, or still have that long to go.

Things are different now, and they won't be this way ever again. The sun is shining outside and despite the promising weather forecast for today, my feet are beginning to get cold, a pretty good indication that I should get out of bed and start etching onto the 30 or so glass leaves I brought home with me on Friday to get some more of my art done. As it is, its 10.15 am and I don't have noise pollution laws to contend with anymore (since it only applies until 9.30 I think).

Hope today is as good as it promises - I really don't think I can hack another let down like yesterday.

Saturday, 17 October 2009

melancholic and just wanting to sink into the earth.

i hate being right.

okay, sometimes i love it, but .... for the most part, it means that things havent gone the way the dreamer in me had hoped.

today is no different. i always knew it would pan out like this - life's too hard in some regards, but still, serves me right for having an overactive imagination and being too trusting when i shouldnt be. and now there's a sticker on my laptop, grinning at me with three very similar sets of eyes, and one pair very different, sticking it in my face, taunting me slightly.
all i can say is thank goodness i had to sprint back into the back room at work and look like i hadnt just been bludging work, by focussing very hard on sweeping, so i had time to let everything sink in.
that's a fault of mine- i often have a very long reaction time. it took me almost three years to process the enormity of mum getting sick when i was 12, and the potential consequences it held. i swallow defeat until noone can see me, and then it sits there, among the clothes and papers on my desk for a while, glaring at me angrily.
my way of dealing with failure: i don't. i ignore it, swallow it, avoid it, until it gets so overbearing i can't sleep.
like now.
i'm exhausted from today- its been stressful and fun sprinting around the softball pitch at Norwood Morialta with almost everyone getting lost, and then working, as usual, on my closing shift and the subsequent sensation of shin splints. but i click online into myspace, and there it is, a little reminder that i'm the only one feeling a little out of sorts, and noone gives a flying fuck. eh. should have expected this, right from that start.
i forgot about gravity, for a moment. sometimes one needs a rather sharp poke in the ribs to remember. in this case, its this strange emptiness of space, like someone just deflated one of those massive balloons inside my chest, and now i don't know what to put there instead.


i believe with every ounce of my being that i'm a lucky charm - things just... happen...
now, i don't know if this is because of the (for the most part) unerring optimism i hold about life, or if i actually have amazing super powers (personally i would hope its the second one cause that's definitely way cooler).
almost to the point where i think a shamrock tattoo is rather appropriate, i mean, i already wear my grandmothers silver shamrock pendant on a chain around my neck, and it brings me good things. i was wearing it when i got a home run today in softball, and when i met my most recent friend, and i'll be wearing it at graduation, and schoolies, because it brings me luck like that.
and now i'm hoping that if i wear it, and do my usual optimism, things will turn around to how i think they should be. granted, this may not be the intended actions that destiny has for me, but i can, and will, still dream as a dreamer does, with one hand in the lolly jar, one foot on the ground and her head in the clouds.

Friday, 16 October 2009

The Bus

she watches the splashes of green fly by the window and turn into the grey of concrete barriers. the rumble of the motor engine is deep, and loud, though she thinks herself clever, for having sat in one of the quietest areas, the only one quieter, she thinks, is the driver's seat, right at the front. it's a woman this time, and a relatively young one at that, which is unusual to her, but she notes it, and her eyes pass over the people sitting in front of her, then back to the window.
it;s gloomy outside, but it's as though someone upstairs smiled, and there's a sudden separation of precipitation, and the sun beats through the window on the other side, warming her face.
she smiles - the sun feels nice amongst the dreary backdrop. though, it is this monotonous view that allows her to become so lost in thought, as she is now, which is rather important, because there is indeed a lot of thinking to do: there is a whole life ahead of her to rethink.
she runs her fingertips over her stomach absent-mindedly, smiling at the sun and the memories it brings forth.
the memory off running her fingers over smooth skin covering strong muscles, and the warmth of the sun on her skin, laying on a picnic blanket in the middle of a park, with him laying beside her, with no words necessary - they knew what existed, and it didn't require words to quantify it. she blinks, and another feeling washes over her - another moment comes to mind - a warm, comfortable scene, filled with organised insanity, the hubbub of a family interacting. a television is playing in the background, and a peal of laughter splits the noise. she grins and looks up from the lounge, to the kitchen, where an older woman is holding a spoon, waving it at the kids tearing around the table. she laughed as He came out of his bedroom, caught the smallest child and swung her over his shoulder with a roar, setting her down outside, where the elder child raced after her, shrieking as the dog joined in.
She remembers moaning a response to the woman and sinking further into the lounge, then jumping up to cut celery for a salad.
few times had she felt so contented, and it was this reason why such an ordinary memory of family life, albeit not her family, sat so close to her heart.
and now she was a part of that family, so relaxed, all previous feelings of misplacement torn to shreds with the first 'hello'. her second home....
She is jolted out of her memory by a car that swerved in front of the bus a little too close for the driver's comfort, and realises she is smiling.
She hugs herself a little closer, and her thoughts drift to the future again: an empty house, that should feel stark and unfriendly, that she feels a sense of unfamiliar ownership for; a hand holding hers, that moves to her abdomen in time with a laugh; the sense of endless summer, and grins.
but this darkens as the recollection of what is supposed to happen: years of freedom, and learning, and late nights with loud music. and further darkened still with the present reality, without his hand. She dismisses these thoughts- she knows him well enough to remember that they have a lifetime, not a moment.
she never thought this would be the way her life would pan out, or will. She is content though - because even as the bus pulls a stop closer to her own, she knows that her future is uncertain, and wildly accelerated. Sometimes the biggest surprises are a blessing in disguise.
Her body doesn't show it yet, but underneath her jumper is a life changing force, getting slightly bigger every day. Some day in six months, right as the leaves begin to change, she'll be bringing home someone else, someone new to her and to him, but, at the same time, irrepressably connected, from the very first day they found out, to the day she was released from hospital, a tiny figure strapped into his little basket.
and though it is hard on everyone, to see their mistakes relived, or their worst nightmare evolved from a nineteen year old daughter, not yet through second year, and not to complete it for another eighteen.
She presses the button, almost there now. She knows it will be hard on them, and on her, but, even despite the alternative, she thinks she wouldn't give it up for the world. She knows they'll see eventually why she ignores their pleas of cancellation.
The bus pulls into the stop shakily, and she rises from her seat, smiling at him from across the aisle. He slides his hand into hers as they reenter the world outside the bus, where the air is cold, and a drizzle of rain settles onto their clothes, trying to dampen her mood. But it cant, and it won't, and neither will anything else.
This is her life to lead now, whatever happens, him and her, and it, together regardless of stigma and disapproval and disowning. She's happy, even through the rain.

we've hit the 82K barrier

well, after 246 posts, i have finally let curiosity win me over courtesy of daniel, and as of the last post, five or take about 100 words, i have written....

you ready?

.... 82299 words. it's over 82 300 now.

and yes, we counted. (word count on Word - my mind cant count that high on its own.)

i'm rather proud of that - its 178 pages of arial size 11 font.
lame, i know, but eh.
thats just so i don't forget, and then have to do through all that again... one time was painful enough

**that's what she said**



Thursday, 15 October 2009


it's so close i can almost touch it,
but it's perpetually out of reach.
as i go to grasp it, it moves just a little further away.
i guess this is learning patience the hard way.
but it feels like i've been tied up and left alone to see if i can release myself. problem is, this time i can't reach the knots and no matter where or how i wriggle, i can't do it alone. i need help, and it was this Help that tied me up in the first place.
epic irritation right there.
gotta love having no credit to make a girl feel just that little bit more ignored than usual.
ah well, life's a sucker like that.

am i a mushroom or a nervous wreck, or am i just me?

i keep flicking bwtween three or four websites, constantly checking for the same telltale signs of occupation, or a presence other than my own.
alas no luck. nor has there been for about four days. it makes me nervous, for the sheer reason that i don't like being a mushroom - put in the dark.
nor do i like being a distracted kiddie, unable to focus.
but am all of these things, and the weather is beautiful outside, albeit a tad chilly, begging me to go and sit in the sun and listen to some of the 60 or so Hoods tracks i now have on my iPod. sadly the sun hits the paperand brings me back to reality with a blinding glare.
the oaktree by the window is growing little leaves. they look so out of proportion, sitting on the end of all these long, bare branches. but, like always, they will grow and change into that which they are designed to be.
there's a week. one single week. after tomorrow there is less to do, but more to remember, and i don't know if my mind can do it, mainly because it doesnt want to do it. the pain of boredom and lethargy outweighs the rewards right now. or, it feels like they do. in reality, getting a good score on tomorrows test would actually be the highlight of the semester.
but there is an english exposition i am writing, which i suspect i may post on here later, just to watch how people react and how many 'no's i get. i already managed to offend jimmy with it, for which i'm really sorry - i forget how outspoken i can be sometimes, and i forget how what i say might affect those around me. it's not a frequent occurrence, but it happens, and it's a rather rude reminder of how much people like that, with closed minds, irritate me. all the more reason for gentle justification of my beliefs and an acknowledgement of others as theyre usually rather different to my own.

the sun hits the window, and lights up the dust, creating a white layer over the view outside.
...i need to wash the windows.
as soon as my exams are over, i'm doing a major house overhaul, even if it's on my own when siblings are at school and parents are at work.
ideally i'll have good weather, which means major vacuuming, dusting, window washing and weeding. please don't ask why, or question it - ther eis no answer- but i find this kind of house work seriously relaxing, i guess cause the results are obvious. its the simplest form of job satisfaction.

and we must not dwell on the past, and the probable 'what if's and the other mysteries that we cannot change, because it does little good for one's self esteem, as does surfing photos of people i don't know, nor i suspect many of them i will never know.

but that's life, and this is how we live it.