Friday, 23 April 2010


orange, round, no sharp edges, like the bubbles in a lava lamp.
and there's green eyes, and a smile.
freckles, and a scar.
and it expands, like gap filler, foamy and complete
.... and orange.
it's heavy, its weight sinking back to earth,
but effervescent.
lose yourself in it, just sink into density.
and i see the future.
but it's cloudy, obscured by a shroud of the same material that covers me.
it's a little scary, heart beats faster, eyes dart around,
need to get out.
but then, 
inhale. exhale.
a hand covers my own, fingers intertwine.
warmth spreads, calms.

Thursday, 22 April 2010

not good enough

i block you out with soundwaves of another nature.
so tired of being just another day in this broken world.
i'm trying to block you out.
out of sight, out of mind.
but i hear you, and it grates against my eardrum, my anger flaring.
the song changes. it's not loud enough.
new song.
louder song.
faster beat, stronger words.
drown you out.


no more noise, none to remind me of what i should be doing. that i'm not perfect.
that i'm not good enough.
i can't hear you anymore. but when will it begin again?
tomorrow, or the next day?
one day you'll wake up and realise that i'm gone for good, and then you'll be the one with tears in your eyes,
all because i'm not good enough

Saturday, 10 April 2010

Winter's coming.

Winter is coming -what with being in the southern hemisphere and all - everyone can feel it here now. Expecially me.

I'm not sure why I am so opposed to the entire season, what with the cold, the rain, the wind, the grey skies and general lack of sunshine all together, and even when it DOES peep out from behind the blanket of misery that is rain clouds, it's weak and watery, like someone left the water running into the cordial jug too long.
Can't think of a single reason..................

In fact, it is this last little bit as to why I hate winter: no sunshine. Not like in summer, when ten minutes out in full sunlight can make one's skin a pleasant shade of lobster. Where the heat reaches to your core, warming you up from the outside in at a rather fast pace.
I can deal with rain - in fact, I rather like it on the odd occasion - especially when it absolutely pours, and the sheets are so dense you can't see 30m in front of you. Not good for driving in, but still great nonetheless.

And then there's the gutter drain beside my window - it gets blocked and it sounds as though someone's taking a much-needed leak, standing on my roof. So up I go, in my dad's bright yellow raincoat, hood up against the rain, up a ladder and poke around, hoping I haven't broken something by shoving a broom handle into a place I am too short to see (yes, ladies and gentlemen - even on a ladder I have height issues.)

And the thunder storms - more characteristic of spring, but boy do we have some beauties every now and again. It's almost like hearing the really BIG waves crashing on the beach....... from underwater. It's surreal.

I can deal with rain. I just love my sunshine. And the lack of body fat (although a relatively high percentage apparently this is not enough) means I feel the cold when its anything below 21C. Cue thermal shirts and pants. At least nowadays I'm not being kicked outside into such weather at 2 hour intervals for food. Worst aspect of school right there, I think.

Nevertheless, there really is nothing like sitting in an arm chair, or beanbag in my case, staring out the window from under a quilt, hot chocolate in hand and book on lap, watching little drops plink across leaves, and split into littler droplets, only to repeat this again, and make everything resoundingly covered in water, while the fireplace crackles behind me, leaving a warmth on my back, and a smile on my face, at the sheer joy of not being outside.

Friday, 9 April 2010


So, I'm laying here in bed, just taken a movie disc out. Boyfriend is away, so theres not much msn chat happening at my end. I bring up the window to see who's around, and there's a couple of friends, couple of acquaintences, and my ex. (two of them, actually, but we shall ignore James for this particular ramble) just realised, looking at my msn, seeing my ex's label thing come as 'available'. And so I think 'yeah, hes a good chat, lets talk to him.'
It's weird seeing him online because he's previously mentioned it gets boring - despite the fact he now needs the computer for uni (mega proud of him for that one, but this is besides the point). So I'm thinking about this weirdness, and then realised he was online a lot when he met me - it was the easiest way to get to know each other. So, of course, I think 'yeah, he's met someone else'. A twinge of yuck, and total loss of wanting to talk to him (even though I have no proof for this whatsoever) then I remember the fact that I'm going out with possibly one of the best guys in the world. yes, the world - he's that wonderful. And so I felt a little guilty. Everyone should have the chance to be as happy as this

*hums absent-mindedly, smiling happily*

where was I?
Oh yes.

It made me realise a little bit the way things change. How we stop looking at people through rose-coloured glasses, so to speak. I fully understand that I think about Matt through these same glasses (as shown by aforementioned 'amazingness' opinion). And yet, when I met my ex, I thought the same thing. Because he was new, exciting, represented everything about life I knew nothing about. Basically my version of sex, drugs and rock'n'roll (substitute the rock for screamo and you've got it right. Note, though, that the drugs were never mine, nor did I take them, I think they're disgusting).
Nowadays, this has changed. I don't jump to talk to him anymore - partly because I know he doesn't jump to talk to me. Why make someone a priority in your life if you're only an option in theirs?
Anyways -- things change, and I find it interesting to see how it brings someone perspective. Goodness knows it did me.
It seems a little ...funny (ironic maybe?) that I've gone from one end to the other in terms of personality- from rough and dominant to cuddles. Lol. Is it sad that that's my #1 adjective for my boyfriend?

I don't know. Maybe in ten years I'll look back and think 'yeah. thats Daniel. Thats the guy i fell in love with for the first time, that broke my heart for the second time, and that i'll never know the same way again' - if he doesnt do something stupid and off himself before then, that is.
Maybe in ten years I'll be thinking a similar thing about Matt - how he disappeared from my life like so many other good people. (I haven't heard from my closest friend at school since we graduated!)
Then again............
maybe he'll be around to tell you himself what he means to me.

Thursday, 8 April 2010

Farewell to my day.

im not really sure where to start.
im sick of these being blogs about what ive been up to - theyre so lazy! nobody really cares all that much about whats happening in the Life of Liv, and lets face it, my philosophical thinkings were much more interesting.
on this note, this shall be my last post based souley on daily events. farewell to thee.

........ aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanyways...

saw How to Train Your Dragon with Matt today. Beautiful movie - i love animations, and the dragon looks so much like my dog its ridiculous.

Meet Gus. Isn't he adorable? He's a little Staffy, and I've never met a dog who appears so stupid, but knows how to use sheer cuteness to his advantage so well.

: )

And have decided that Sazon, a little cafe in Mt Barker, is my #1 place to go, purely because everything I've had there is *AMAZING*

truly is lovely. suspect it's going to be the location of many a memory with my boyfriend, purely because its just..... ahhhhh. And so is he.
Possibly falling in love with him......just a little bit.
: )

Goes away for 10 days in ..... 7 hours. I'm a little bit sad. But, ever the optimist, I know he's back soon. I just need to stay busy :)

On another note..... had a car accident today on the way to the movies. All is okay - car needs a bit of fixing up, and the age premium is going to fucking kill me (after MONTHS of hard work, im now back at square 1 for how much I owe for the car)
But. still. even if it was roadworthy..... i wouldn't be driving anywhere. im too shaken, more by the terror that i was going to roll my car, even after i'd stopped spinning.
I'm not gonna forget that squeal of my tyres, combined with the scream coming from myself. I dont deal well with conflict and stress. This was like, 2 steps below total breakdown. Add people, or serious damage, and you'd have me there.

I'm never, ever, repeating that experience.

Thursday, 1 April 2010

New, and old, and hurry up.

So. I had a haircut. Finally.
It's not what I was expecting - its a lot more subtle. That's okay, I'll go more wow next time: my hairdresser and I decided it would be best on the parents not to go too crazy just yet. But, there's purple in it. I'm excited. Hope people like it - I've not gone this colour before.

My uni week is finished, my last assignment handed in, even despite not living at home last night or the night before. Have now proven that I can work away from home :) :)


So, its a time to kick into gear, i think. I know 5 weeks in is a bit late to do this, but i need to - theres so much information, i fear i may explode if i don't. =\

Nevertheless, am resoundingly happy at the moment.
Much love to matt for making yesterday and today spectacular. <3