Saturday, 30 August 2008


incredible movie......
i recommend that everyoine who can watch it, does.

Granted, some of it is bull, or can be presumed to be... and editing is very, very clever....

but its a good show anyway.
I'd love to know any opinions of it from anyone who's watched it.


Part 1

"Well...?" he looked at me questioningly, waiting for my answer.
"I... I don't know, Jay." it was all too hard at this moment in time. he smiled sympathetically at me, reached up and put a warm, soft palm on my cheek, which I gratefully rested my aching head against. it was times like this when I remembered the exact reason I had fallen in love with him in the first place: it wasn't the answer you gave, it was how you gave it, and how, no matter what that response was, he would always be there to pick me up if I fell suddenly, which i had, further, harder and faster than ever before.
A fat tear fell from my eyelashes and onto my skin, rolling down my cheek and onto my lips. He took me up into his arms and held me tightly, kissing me along the trail of the tear, ending on my lips. I clung on to him as though i would die if i ever let go. In hind sight, if i had let go, i may well have done just that. i was nothing but a shell of a person, consumed by grief, sadness and regret.
He parted from me and looked into my eyes, "Luce, we have to go. we have to be honest. i know it was an accident. they don't. we have to tell them what happened."
I nodded and blew my nose as he let go of me. I pocketed the tissue and gripped his hand tightly as he led me up the garden path to the wooden gate and to the car.
"I'm not leaving you, you know?" he said quietly as he turned out of the driveway and onto the busy street. I chose not to answer: after what I had done - I deserved all that was in my hands, resting empty on my lap.
"Did you hear me?" he said, louder, taking his eyes off the road for a moment to look at me, "I'm not going anywhere."
"I heard." smiling wetly as another fat tear rolled down my face. I laughed suddenly, wiping away more tears, rubbing my swollen belly tenderly as Jay pulled into the car park and got out to open my door for me. I took his hand and together we walked through the doors to the consequences of my actions: my reckoning.

Thursday, 28 August 2008

This means 'love' in japanese.
This was given to me by someone kind and warm and loving and trusting.
I wanted to show the world this - because it makes me warm and fuzzy, and feel so damned special i cant help but smile.

Wednesday, 27 August 2008

Dialogue With Myself

There are three people in me:

Olivia is kind and fun and caring. She loves the sunshine and is hardly angry. She loves to write and paint and is really smart when she chooses to be. Olivia is Calm, Humour, Compassion and Love. She is green and brown and gold - the colours of a sunset in the bush.
Annabell is a daredevil. She is quick-witted, with a razor sharp tongue. She convinces Olivia to do the less moral things, for the thrill. She doesn’t appear often, but when she does, she is called Anger, Rudeness or Irresponsibility. Annabell is red and fluorescent orange - bright and unnatural.
The last of me is called Jasmine. She is slow to speak, and thinks a lot. She is calm, but in a dangerous way - calculated, cool and collected. She never does anything without thinking it through, and the things she does are negative. When she is around it is Procrastination, Depression and Sadness. She lives on the waves of hormonal change and is best mates with Annabell. When they team up Irritation and Loathing emerge. She is the colour between faded liquorice and eggplant purple.

I, as Olivia, am afraid of Jasmine - she is the one who thinks about suicide and slicing open my own flesh - just to know what it feels like to have my hands covered in blood.
She is powerful and dangerous. Thankfully there are those things and people in this world that make me smile inside - my only defence from her.

And right now, Annabell is in full force.
Which brings me to say something hurtful and angry. But this is my therapy, so I will say it.
This is the dialogue of my brain:

A: I hate you for being over there and how i'm stuck over here, unable to reach out for you. And how no matter what I do, when I need you all I have to do is say so and there you are:
Words on my phone screen, telling me you love me and that’s its all okay.

J: It’s not okay....

A: You’re there and I’m here. I hate the way love hurts; I hate how I fell for you. I hate that I don’t care about anything anymore other than you.
I hate love right now.
I hate hormones,

J: for making me feel like I want to kill myself right now.

A: I hate the way that my mother’s words have cut me so deeply. Why should I care what she thinks?

O: Because she’s our mother, that’s why. She is your role model, even though she is very far from perfect, and when you're someone’s hero, and don’t realise it, you don’t know how much impact your words make.

A: But she should KNOW!

O: have you ever told her, literally spoken those words?

A: no.

O: well there you go. Big people forget sometimes.

J: we'll be a big person one day soon... if we're alive that long.

O: we will be - I don't want to die - we have so much to offer the world. What's the point in living if it’s not to make a difference?

J: we aren’t afraid of dying.

A: no - it would be a whole new adventure.

O: maybe so, but we're not finished in this world yet.

A: true. but...

J: why is life so difficult then? Why do I contemplate taking a knife to myself?

O: because that’s what you always do at this time of month - it’s the hormones messing with your mental state.

J: but don't you want to know what it would be like? To feel the warmth running from you?

O: I know what it feels like to slice skin - and I don't want to feel it again.

A: well then WHY are you so WEAK? Why is Jasmine ruling right now? You’re pathetic. Pathetic for falling for someone you will not see for years, if ever. I hate you for being kind and loving. The more you love the more it hurts to know that what you feel, that that which consumes you so completely, is IMPOSSIBLE!!

O: it's not impossible...

A: be real, baby. It won’t happen. He promise to see you and then wont show, or will go back to how it was with the girl who is actually real in his life, and the I will be left picking up the pieces.
He is an amazing person with a whole lot of love to give, but he lives in another world. Be real.

O: no. this IS real. We hurt for a reason: to remind us how good it feels to be happy and in love.

Saturday, 23 August 2008


*sigh* another week gone......

oh well, at least I have my pockets full of love...... and tissues, haha.
I have to totally complete an art piece in 3 weeks ARGH!!
I'm gonna paint a door. cool, ey?
I hope it is..... its gonna be super hard to change my ideas now....

I should be starting homework.... REALLY don't want to!! *cry* I'm loathing chemistry at the moment... come to think about it.... the only good subjects right now are art and (I can't believe im going to say this..) maths... *screams* haha I'm finally liking mathematics... weird, huh.
Even english is getting a bit hard to sit through - I've finally had enough of Hamlet. Good story, can read the language... but after watching the movies and reading it for about.... 6 weeks straight, its getting kinda frustrating. But its okay - we're starting our major project-things soon ... I like those - we have total control over what we're doing and how we do it.
I think I'll study V for Vendetta.....

I don't have much philosophy-wise to say as of yet (and right now I can't really be bothered writing down all the things I want to say -- the 20cm pile of homework sitting in front of me is diving me the evil eye, and its beginning to creep me out)

Hovever, courtesy of a guy who spoke at a meeting I went to last night, I want to go and work in one of the summer camps in America...
and.... if I'm super-duper crazily lucky... there might be one in Washington....


Wednesday, 20 August 2008

My Nightmare

There are some things that petrify me more than anything else on this earth.
They are survivable, but life altering.

I am afraid of getting pregnant. Of what it means for me socially, physically, psychologically....
I am afraid of being pregnant and alone.... of not having a partner to lean on when it gets tough....
I am afraid of the choice i would have to make: to abort or not.
If it happened right now... i would abort. for two reasons: 1 - i am not old enough to be caring for a baby. 2. at this stage in my life, i would not be able to give my baby the best life that i can give.

I know i will have a baby some time. i want to have a baby when im a little older.... but when i see this daydream... there is either no partner or a man with brown hair, in a white shirt and a face i cannot see.

But until such time as i am over 23 and old enough to have a baby.... i am afraid of it.


Ok, i am gonna sound like i have a pole stuck up my behind... but i am compelled to say this...

89% ... go me!!

i'm not great at maths.... i try, but im not naturally gifted...
so i am totally stoked to find out that i got an A for my test. yaya lol.

Just thought i'd share that...

Tuesday, 19 August 2008


Do you know what it's like, to be told you're loved?
I think that most people do - everyone has someone that loves them, even if that love is hard to see sometimes. But there are different kinds of love....

theres the pretend kind - the one thats used to get what you want, and then leave. there's the sexual kind - where the mind never comes into the equation **note to self and others - this one is a BAD IDEA!!!** there's the friend love - that will be there through thick and thin and will celebrate your success, and mourn your losses. then there's love, as in... could float away on a cloud, will do anything and everything so that the other person is happy. love them for them.

Do you know what it is like to be told that you are loved for WHO YOU ARE?

i do...

its pink.... like bubblegum....
and it's green.... like a new gum leaf...
it's walking to school in the warm air and sunshine.....
and i can't get you out of my head....
all i see is bubblegum-pink fibrous swirls on a white background.
the spirals are thick, tinged with red, and strong. they're big, but not threatening... and whenever i think his name, then come and wrap me up in their warmth, making me smile and realise how lucky i am.

you wanted to know how i felt..... this is how.

Monday, 18 August 2008


Tonight's stream of consciousness.....

my head hurts.... my lap's too hot, damn laptop..... blank...... why are phone calls overseas so freaking expensive? ..... haha i love turning heads when i go down the street, such an ego booster..... why am i jealous? i shouldn't be... its fantastic. hes not gone, hes still here.... so what is this horrible irritation i feel, and more importantly... how do i get rid of it? ..... i didn't mean to be so rude..... i'm excited, thats all.... i didn't mean to alienate all my friends.... well, if you're going to ignore me, im not going to bother....... my goodness have i changes since i met you..... i didn't think i'd desert my friends for a boy..... maybe i have.... it can't happen again..... stupid 16.5 hour time difference.....

Sunday, 17 August 2008


Hahaha. it seems that since i didnt write for over a week, my mind has gone kinda crazy/ i dont want to put everything i have to say into one post, because it seems that theres so freaking much going on in my head atm that im gonna go nuts if i dont write it down in an organised manner.... so here is what is my idea of organised...

i hate japanese lessons..... love the language, dont like the teacher..... love art lessons.... how the faculty always welcomes me back even when i don't do the subject for ages....... turns out that you do a LOT of chemistry in nutrition and dietetics at Flinders Uni..... thats not sounding like fun.... i think i'll do psychology instead....i think im falling in love..... i'll know when i get there if i have or not.... have i ever been in love? i don't know.... tiger pants..... haha fat cat, pdo..... i want a fat cat to cuddle, Rani's too big and not fuzzy.... i need to clean out my room, its so full of crap that im losing all the important things, like school books and my soul, under it. haha.... i have trees on my pj pants..... *laugh* ..... vampires, sexy ones with little vampire teeth. haha pdo, thats you. ...... day of hope was great, but it made me even more frustrated. i dont know what i can do to achieve my greatness...... when will summer come? being cold isn't fun any more (was it ever....?) ..... i need to go shopping and get more clothes... maybe some stripey toe socks too.... imi's birthday today..... i get kinda jealous of her sometimes: shes smart, has a great group of friends and looks like a supermodel and shes only just turned 13..... llamas and bicycles and japanese tourists, like in love struck by melanie labrooy... haha such a funny book........ age restrictions shouldnt stop you david. be, do what you think is right...... there is always a reason to live.... even if its only to see that blue sky, or to ride the bus when its raining, and see how beautiful everything is...... dont die..... i'd miss you too much...... i can't handle this kind of pressure, i need help...... help me!! please!....... ugg boots are so comfy......

this a paragraph in the life of Olivia.
join us tomorrow for another 5 minutes of my thinking process...


NB: has been edited for all classification levels


i finally invented a word that sums up my relationship with society at the moment:

hemispherically challenged.

the person i want to be with most lives 13265.50 kilometres away (i checked... how sad am i)
i have neither the money nor the time to make money to fly over and say hi.

i don't have $3100 for a ticket (i checked that too)
i dont have the freedom to fall in love with someone that i can't see, but i think that i am.

life in this area sucks.

Saturday, 16 August 2008

Back track

I'm really sorry I havent written in AGES! I'm sorry to say I've found another source to input my writing ability into, although its not quite as philosophical, its just as theraputic. :) (pdo. thats u)
Well, in any case, I thought it was about time I came back on and wrote a little more.
And for once, I have no idea what I'm going to write....

When I made this blog, I made myself a few rules:
1. No bitching about people I know unless it complies with the other rules
2. No talking about my personal life, meaning what happens on a particular day.
3. No naming spesific names of people I know (with the exception of Jess and David and Hannah, whom i could never say a bad word against)

well, i think thats all of them.... so following that, i will attempt to fill you in...

i met a boy hu i can't see in person for ages, i changed into art class instead of extra maths halfway through term, i made my preliminary subject choices for my final year at high school (now THAT is a scary thought), i decided that im going to change the world, got named captain of softball, and..... i played netball.
haha. thats my life for the past few weeks.


Wednesday, 13 August 2008


n't have long - i'll explain an a few hours when i do, but hear me when i say this:

Life is not life until you LIVE IT

so few people reach their true potential... which is sad. the people around me ... especially the few that i care most about (Aussie or otherwise :P) have amazing potentials.

i hope that you can take just one step closer to your potential.

just because they say that you can't doesn't mean its true, its only when YOU say it that it becomes a reality.


Friday, 8 August 2008

Expansion 1.1

For my two or so regular readers, this is to explain a previous post, 'This List' (27/7/08).

Okay. a few weeks ago, i wrote a paragraph of phrases that had meaning to me.... this post is gonna explain some of them. its a long list when its explined, so i've split it up into several posts.

Dirt. i love the earthy smell, the rich colour and the way it sticks to my hands when im gardening.
apples. i love apples and their crunch and the way i almost chocked on an apple skin once and how the green ones taste like toffee apples ( 0.^ funny that. lol)
canvas. i love the colour and texture; its the medium of my first ever major art piece.
. i picked cherries for 2 weeks ad a teachers cherry farm in the summer. the pay wasn't so good, but it was a great time, and the weather was great an i got about 30 kg of free cherries
summer. - self explanatory.
skis. my preferred method of transport on the snow .... i love skiing and the utter tessor it gives me sometimes
Centre on court
. the position i play for my school netball team
Pine tree roots and storm water drains. when i was at primary school, my friends and i became little engineers during breaks, making dams with mud, sticks and the pine tree roots that twisted over the creek that lead into a storm water drain.
Sheet Music. the music that i first learned the piano with... scales look so beautiful on it.
Crystal star. it hangs in our dining room window and casts rainbows over everything in the afternoon sunshine
nightmares. a common occ
the letter 'O'. pretty self explanatory, my name starts with O.... and it makes a perfectly round shape - everything that has come will come again.
6km. the distance of my running circuit
. makes me feel alive when im gasping for air after running 13 laps of the local oval
honesty. the most important thing in any kind of relationship; it has ruined... and saved... some of my closest relationships.
yellow grass.
Garbage bins full of water. when i was younger, my friend and i noticed the amount of water flooding into her yard from her gutters, so we draged enormous plastic bins to all the places where they leaked, and collected the water.... what we were going to do with it afterwards, we had no idea, but we figured that since we're in a drought, it was important that we save water.... we spent days out there in the rain on this project, it was great fun.
Gutter dam. when i was about 10, my friend and i were watching the water run down the gutter in our street. since our street has 3 hills on it, we decided to see if we could stop the water flow. we grabbed some rocks and clay/dirt and headed for the middle hill. until last year, that little mud-made structure was still right where we had made it - over 5 YEARS later! i loved making things as a kid.

Olivia xx

Monday, 4 August 2008

Proverbial Helping Hand

I find it hard to make friends.

I'm not entirely sure why, but the above statement is fact.

And yet I'm longing for friends. I'm not the most outgoing person in the world -- i'm not perfect.

I try to be a good friend to those I already have-- I don't know what that is yet....

*thinking aloud*

kind, honest, loyal, reliable, funny (this is sounding like my definition of a hero...... but then again, aren't a hero and a friend the same thing???)

friends don't have to be pretty or smart -- though those are great traits to have -- they just need to be someone you click with.

they're the ones who jump into the deep end of strife when you don't think you can get out, just so you don't get lonely.

I hope I'm one of them.

One year later...

We fall.

We cannot escape this falling, despite how we try.

It starts as a feeling, small and feeble. then it grows, sucking you in until you're in so deep that you think you will drown in it, that you will never get out. And in truth, you never really do get out of it, not even if you float to the surface and scramble for the edge.

If we're really lucky, we fall gradually, to patience and kindness and an understanding of you that only you and them possess.
If we're not so lucky, we fall so fast and carelessly, it feels like we've been hit by a train. Sooner or later, that speeding fall disappears until all you're left with is a gold ring, an argument and legal papers.

I miss the free fall. I miss the giddy smile after receiving a flower, the bubble of happiness that floods my chest when they say my name and smile.

I've been officially 'single' for a whole year now. I'm now officially missing the cuddles. but I can't complain, really: I've felt something for a boy that I never felt before, and while I've felt more pain during those times than i ever thought possible, I loved the times when it was good.
I know I'll feel like that, and then some, for some other boy one day.
But today is not that day...

as for tomorrow..... we'll see...


What defines a hero?

The dictionary defines it as

1. remarkably brave person: somebody who commits an act of remarkable bravery or who has shown an admirable quality such as great courage or strength of character

2. somebody admired: somebody who is admired for outstanding qualities or achievements

While this gives us a general idea of what to look up to, everyone's exact idea of a hero is different from everyone else.
So, keeping this in mind, I wonder what a hero is in my own opinion.
They're honest, do what's best for someone, even when that someone thinks otherwise. They are moral and are not swayed by temptation. They're someone to look up to, someone that you know that you can trust no matter the situation. You can rely on them to be there when you're in trouble.
All in all, they do good things, lots of them. They are not perfect people - nobody is.
Instead, they do the best they can, using the skills they have to better the world they live in.

I want to be someone's hero.
Whether it's my daughter, or my friend, or a total stranger. If it's now, or in a month, or many years from now, it matters not. The notion that someone looks up to me is overwhelming to me. It feels awesome.

Friday, 1 August 2008

the smile

brown orbs, sprinkled with green
sparkle with the amusement of
and are surrounded by white
which pinches at either end,
creating creases
as apples of flesh form suddenly underneath,
caused by the sudden revealing
of bright white.
some sharp, others multi-faceted,
gentle pink surrounds the white at their tops.
stained red pull curves around the white and pink:
an organic frame.
With an opening of the white,
music bubbles out,
sweet on the ear
and warming to the heart.
ropes of rich brown
fall over the orbs
as the pink shakes slightly,
in time with the music.
the orbs disappear, covered with softness
curved black extends from the softness.
the orbs and white reappear
the music subsides
and the red frame closes,
hiding the white once more.