Tuesday, 18 January 2011

It's a gnawing feeling in your stomach - the knowledge of wanting something you cannot have. And yet, you are sure that if you really wanted to chase after it, you would be successful. So why not?
Something holds you back - duty, is it? Apathy? The constant reminder that you could be forcing the situation, or creating one that shouldn't exist.........
And all it is, comes down to one look. One confusing look that you're not sure to take as neutral, affirmative, or politely humouring you - polite only because that is the nature of others towards you in this situation. You quiestion whether you see a flicker of something purely out of your own imagination, or is it actually there? The only way to discover this is to take the leap and risk embarrassment, which, when it comes down to it, isn't really worth it.
And with that nonconfirming look, memories flash by, faster and faster, until you shake your head to rid yourself of them, and the moment is lost. You distance yourself, retreat back into your own thoughts, and things return to the way they were, with silence and the occasional sideways glance, cheeky grin, and slap away of a hand or flying object directed at your head.
Such is the way of friends.

Be warned...

Lost your pen = no pen
No pen = no notes
No notes = no study
No study = Fail
Fail = no diploma
No diploma = no work
no work = no money
no money = no food
no food = you get skinny
you get skinny = then you get ugly
Ugly = no love
no love = no marriage
no marriage = no children
no children = alone
alone = depression
depression = sickness
sickness = death

While there are several issues with this continuum, I'm afraid I must agree with the final conclusion:

Don’t lose your pen, you will die.

Monday, 17 January 2011

"What's on your mind?"

It's the invitation to create a Facebook status, staring at me from the screen. At which point, a gazillion things flash into my conscious, and 99% are better left to myself. There's the angry comments, the I-told-you-so's, the stupidly lame ones, the boring ones, the freakishly inappropriate, the declarations of the blindingly obvious......

which one to pick?
in the end, it's always the same - a cryptic revelation as to what's going on, without ever really saying what, secretly hoping that someone talks to you about it, like this is somehow an indication they care.

Instead, there's the dozens of people who see it and move on, with their own thoughts, if any. No doubt few are kind.

It's like a notice board for your life, for people to pick through, without knowing what's really going on. Same with fb friends. Do I know them? Yes, perhaps. Am I friends with them?
....... not really.

Therein lies the ultimate question - to keep the people i've met, but am not close with, or to remove them all, and be left with like... 30 people.
Sounds like a good plan to me.
A safer plan, where you can actually say what's on your mind.

Or better yet -- pick up the phone and call someone.

Wednesday, 12 January 2011

All it Takes is Patience

I feel conflicted, analysing myself, contradicting myself. Pros and cons aren't the same anymore, and traditional attributes don't apply, yet.... I'm still me, aren't I?
Not having uni work to distract my mind is leaving me at a loose end, as is the unwavering repetition of working at least 5 shifts a week doing the same thing. The only exception is the time I start. If it was the same opening shift all week, I reckon I'd be alright, but it isn't. So I'm all over the place and at the same time dying of doing the same thing over and over again.

I take solace in my friends, knowing that they come see me, and I them, and it's fun of the distracting nature. But then the car pulls away, off into the distance, and silence settles on the house again, allowing the napping thoughts to stir, and gently poke their way back into my conscious mind, reminding me of feelings I oughtn't feel, and thoughts that needn't exist.

When I was younger, it all had to happen then and there, and patience wasn't a virtue of mine. Certainly, I've mastered it to a degree since then, but impatience and a flair for the dramatic still flows through my veins. This alone tempts me to act, rather than think, because thinking hurts my head (ah, the irony).

It's a case of want, vs need, vs should, and right now they're all being skewed.

I don't feel like myself lately. Maybe it's the knowledge that I'm not doing anything to help my fellow person, even though I want to (the usual lame excuse of not having time fits in, but i figure.. if i have time to fart around on facebook, I have time for other things)
I feel I should be doing art of some kind, some painting, drawing, photograpy, or interpretive dance or.... something.
It always made me feel better when I was feeling like this at school, I just need to focus my mind on it more than I have been, to get past this nasty brush-block.
A big part of my problem is that I can't see the end of one road, but I can see further down the current path, and then it becomes foggy and confused. Must be my mindset getting in the way.

All it takes is patience.

Thursday, 6 January 2011

New Years

I am well aware that this comes 6 days late, but hey, we all have things to do, and yours truly is no different.
Really, I havent had the time, or the will, to think about things in general until now (payback for being up early every morning thanks to work, even when I'm not actually working).

Last year's been one of the biggest upheavals in my life since...... well, ever. Only to be superseded by birth, I suppose.
I got asked yesterday whether uni was a big change from school. I just laughed.
Understatement of the century, right there. There's only so much prep one can recieve without having someone already in the system to help. It took just about the whole year to get into the swing of it, but now that I'm here..... I love it. I don't know what will happen when I graduate ........ But thats 3 years away, so I'll worry about that in 2.

I fell in love for the first time, and I've had my heart trampled, broken, and healed. I've made mistakes, some that I can't ever change for the better.
There's been fights of epic proportions, to the point of packing up to leave (to where, I didn't know). There's been a stronger temptation to drive off a cliff than there ever was, and now I have the capability, it was all the easier.
And yet, I found smiles, laughs, friends. Best friends, that I can trust, rely on, and speak frankly with.
I found the love of my life.
I discovered the wonderfully hazy world of nightclubs. And their price.
I've learnt independance, and prioritising.- with the exception of facebook.

Despite all this, I've not spent one week straight in my own bed since June, and it's had its toll: I've had a persistent sense of displacement, that I live out of my car, and not a house.
While not strictly true.... It kinda is.

I need to ask, though, what's with the new fashion of wearing tops that come up to your boobs and a totally bare midriff?
Kiddies are wearing it when they shouldnt, and when it doesnt suit them.
Welcome to the world of stick people and oversexualised children.

Every year, the world changes a little bit more. Sometimes, it's a lot more. But I'm not sure that I like it.
The only thing I can do is keep being me, and don't let anything compromise this. Not even clothes, not even people. And then sit back and see where this life is leading, and pray that we don't kill ourselves on the way.