Tuesday, 31 May 2011

Sometimes I get asked about things, or to do things, or to help do things by someone else.

This often happens when I'm sitting under a precariously-balanced laptop, surrounded by papers, usually on a bed. In summary: not an easy place to extract myself from without disrupting/damaging something.
Other times I'll be in the middle of concentrating, or deep in thought.
Apparently these are not reason enough to refrain from posing the request.

Usually, I can't help but think, "Do it yourself, you lazy sod."
Heaven forbid I should die and everyone would have to do everything for themselves.

Or they'd just pull the helpless card on some poor unsuspecting soul.

Tuesday, 24 May 2011

Things Not To Say To Your Son's Girlfriend #62

"I'm practically a virgin again, theres so many cobwebs down there from disuse"

Wednesday, 18 May 2011

Welcome to my disproportioned life.

It's embarrassing how much I've come to rely on someone else. I used to be the strong one, who outwardly rejected any help I was ever offered. Now I'm here more vulnerable than ever, and I'm being hit on two fronts...

I'm not accustomed to feeling out of my depth when it comes to study. I'm a stress head, yes. Very much so, in fact, I stress enough for me and my boyfriend and one of my friends put together, with some spare. But generally, after a few weeks, it clicks, and I get the concept, or i finish the essay, and everything's peachy.
Not this time. It's all so vague, with the end result meant to be so precise. I know where to start, but not how to do so. I have everything I need to finish this entire report tonight.... but lack the skills to put it together.
Statistical reports are NOT my forte, put it that way. It's just practice, I know.... It's just a lot harder than I thought. And like I said, I'm not used to feeling .... well, for lack of a better comparison..... I feel slow. I feel stupid. It's not a hard concept, so WHY CANT I UNDERSTAND IT?!

The fact that I have the flu doesn't help - my brain's fine in the evening, I'd even go so far to say back to normal... and yet I'm super sluggish during the day, to the point where I'm barely fighting off sleep in every lecture.
Maybe I've actually been bitten by the nocturnal bug. Night school here I come!

And through it all, when I get scared, or overly freaked out, there's only one person I turn to. Even though he isn't strictly qualified to 'help', and often he says the wrong thing, or doesn't know what to say at all..... He bears the brunt of my outbursts, he understands, and he sees. And even when I may as well have wrapped myself in barbed wire, I'm feeling so hostile, he still moves my laptop of my knees and hugs me, because he knows that inside, it's all I want.

But he's not here. He's on a trip for work, and though he's back in 2 days, for almost an entire year, I've not spent one week without him. We live out of eachothers pockets, so this is hard.
Doubly so because of all the above reasons.

On a totally unrelated note, I've had bad knees for a while, and not known why. It's become bad enough that mum took me to a podiatrist the other day. Turns out that I'm actually incapable of bending my legs straight, they roll inwards at a really strange angle. So this means off to the physiotherapist to work out exactly why my legs are rotated to an angle other than perfectly straight.
On my birthday.
Whoopty fucking yay. Way to welcome in my 19th year. Being told I'm physically inadequate.
Only to be followed two days later with me spilling my guts with 2 possible results: being told to suck it up and stop being a baby because i'm overreacting, or being sent to a psychologist because there is something more to this than we know.

I know it's only 48 hours, and I'm being ridiculous, but when all you want to do is the only thing you can't.......
It makes it unbearable.

I miss my cure-all cuddles.

Tuesday, 17 May 2011

This Weeks Forecast

Wednesday: Cold with a chance of frostbite in the morning, warming to frustrated, mostly bored in the afternoon and returning to lonely later in the evening. Dinner unknown.
Thursday: Warnings for extreme confusion, probably due to a Statistics class late morning, but mood increasing with lunch from favourite cafe relatively soon afterwards. Followed by possible giggles, but has the potential to go the other way and turn into frustration. Dinner unknown.
Friday: Sleep-in predicted until mid-morning, art-related gusts of hot air turning into an extended stretch of both excitement and exhaustion in the early evening, which should last until around midnight. Dinner: Indian*

 *yes, thats right, i'm eating an Indian for dinner. but hey, after almost 3 days of unknown food sources, perspectives begin to change.....
Saturday: Early morning fogginess followed by several hours of insanity, possibly work-related. Evening forecasted to be extremely relaxing, possibly even lucky with the chance of a long hot bath. Dinner presently unknown but certain to be at a restaurant.
Sunday: Who knows yet, it's all a surprise apparently.

.... Did I mention it's my birthday on the 23rd? Hence the surprise the day before...

Thursday, 12 May 2011

Babies, and making them.

You know what freaks me out?
People I know having babies.
Keeping in mind that the age range of my social circle is around about 4 or 5 years in both directions, it alarms me to see people my age with tiny offspring.
Not in the "people your age shouldnt be having sex let alone children you're barely out of childhood yourself" kind of way, but in the "wow, that could be me in a few years" kinda way.
Motherhood scares and fascinates me. I have no doubt that of the three kiddies, I'll be the one with a tribe of genetic one-halfers following me around.
.... that's possibly the absolute strangest name I've ever used to refer to children...
My boyfriends cousin had a bub, even though the baby's daddy left her for her bestie and has since got another 2 girls knocked up (someone needs to sterilise him before he spreads any more of his bad seed) (should also like to note that this is what i've been told, i mayt have heard it wrong, but either way, you can see my point: he's a yuck.)
I think it's wonderful that she decided to have the baby and give it the best life she can. No doubt, some people will think that its better of for young mums to abort, or give them away or... something.

I often think about how i'd go about it if i found out i had one in the oven. Knowing full well that I can't support 2 people on 300/week, i'l probably abort it. But at the same time...... it would be a piece of me and of (im presuming) my boy. I don't mean to get overly sappy here, but to have a physical representation of how we feel for eachother, and knowing that he'd never walk out on his kid.... I wouldn't give it up for the world.
Not saying i'm going to go and destroy my current lifestyle by creating Livvy2.0,  but still. It's comforting to have one less thing to be afraid of.

One day, though, one day......

Wednesday, 11 May 2011

    light is not a dream
        darkness does not exist
            and the game of life can be won
                when you decide never to be defeated "

-- The slogan on what I think is a religious blog.
Loses points for that, but still, I think its lovely.

Sunday, 1 May 2011

Lives on a screen

Why do people deem it necessary to publish their every action onto things like twitter and facebook... or even worse -- the link between the two? Isn't there something better to do with their lifes like, oh, I don't know, actually live it?


That, and it's clogging up my newsfeed.............