Monday, 16 April 2012

Everything's getting real now. I don't like it.

I have led a gloriously sheltered life, relatively free from money stress, and with opportunities possible, with a bit of work. Unfortunately, Real Life isn't like this, and I'm beginning to realise it now more than ever.

I have 18 months of my degree left, after which I will be hurled  into said reality. Finding a job is a scary prospect, primarily because 1) I don't know exactly where I want to go with it, 2) there are very limited opportunities for a decent paying job post- psych-degree, purely because one is only half qualified (fml.), 3) I want to make some money rather than going straight into post-graduate study, and 4) I want to follow Mike to the UK and work there.

The last of these poses the most difficulty: the British Psych Society makes my Aussie degree more or less redundant. /sigh/ There is the option of some kind of masters over there.... If I was able to find enough money to live on and study over there, and provided I was offered a place. It's kind of a weird circle, can't do one without the other, but need both to get the ball rolling. Not to mention the fact that Australia is nowhere near Scotland.

I bought a new MacBook today. I've never owned an Apple computer, and haven't used one in three years, so it's going to be a massive crash course in how to use the OS again. I'm already regretting buying it, because I used my Flights money to do so, and mum's gone back on her offer of paying for some of it as an early birthday present. I dont think it's possible to save $2300 in 2 months, not when I only earn about 14k/year. I need tax time to come around, I need that cheque, or I will by July.

After weeks of talk, Mike's finally bought his flights. Went in to buy a CD, came out with a One-Way ticket for the 11th of May. Funny how things work sometimes. His moving home, I can live with that. I can even live with the fact that it is literally on the other side of the world. It's the prospect of being without him that I can't.

As he said last night, 'When you date someone when youre sixteen, seventeen, you have fun, but you know it isn't going anywhere, it has to end at a point cause it'll never work out, you know? I dont feel that with you.'
To outsiders, that may well sound trivial, or stupid, but to come from him, someone so averse to 'Serious', that's huge. We've been together 4 months yesterday, and it's taken that long for him to voice what I know has been sitting under the surface all along, and what I've been too cautious to explicitly say myself, at the risk of looking like a fool. Who finds their Someone at 19? 20?
I work at weddings most weekends, and each is an insight into the couple's relationship: how they met, how long they've been together, and how theyve managed keep it that way. As one bridesmaid said "we knew she was serious about the guy when she transferred her job to Kuala Lumpur, and then to England, to be with him, after 3 months of seeing each other."
It surprises me how many of the couples have been together as long as they have, considering many are in their late 20s, early 30s. One couple met on a sofa at uni in their final year, and were together 9 years before getting married. I think their story is my favourite, because it smacks of Fairy Tale.
I dont listen to speeches anymore, because I am too emotionally charged to maintain a poker face, and nobody likes a weepy barmaid.

It's been one of the toughest emotional roller coasters I've ever ridden. And I take a step back and dont even have to ask myself, 'is it worth it?', because I know the answer is unequivocally yes. He makes me reevaluate everything, and if we can make it work, I have this niggling feeling that I've found my Someone.