Sunday, 17 January 2010


i get text messages going 'what's wrong' without ever saying anything.
i was woken the other day to a message telling me that my friend had bought me a ticked to see a comedian as part of the fringe show... without asking me.
and i was standing at my window, watching the gum trees change from bleak, sun-bleached green and beige, into purple and sage - for the second time in a week - and i realised that, even with all that we;ve been through together, tom is one of the only people that i know i will stay in conact with for life, not because i have to, but because i want to.

i'm feeling full of love at the moment. and none of it for daniel.

... well, i lie, i do love that kid, but he needs to be put in a side-drawer for now because dwelling on the lack of him does nothing good for me....

anyways..... *endrant*

this love is for my friends.

it is not often that i feel a particular sense of pride and loyalty to my friends purely because i find it to be tempting fate to call them 'best friends' or even 'close' because in the past those with such labels have turned around and stabbed me in the back. so, i have trust issues, and am wary of people, which doesn't help my already shy demeanour around strangers. but i'm going off on a tangent.

there's nick, who i have seen ONCE in his 6 weeks of being at home on leave. he's moving to sydney and i'm going to miss him terribly, but i suppose being away so often kinda prepared me for that. we;re drifting apart, and it makes me sad, but i still know he's the one i want to go out on the town with, and cook massive pizzas with at home.

tom and i have spent a lot of our time together, or within 200m of eachother ever since we were 13, simply because of seeing eachother every day at school. we've had that much of a roller coaster, and watched the other as we've grown as people, and after this week, i know for sure that he is one that, even if i want to kill him sometimes, he is one of those keepers that you live through all the good the bad and the ugly with, and still come out the other end stronger, holding eachothers hand because thats what friends do for eachother.
that idealism has left me with many a bitter twisted thought about 'friends' of mine, but him..... he's a keeper.

and there is justin, who knows me so well and has been so supportive aobut everything ever, it is impossible not to love him. not only that, but he can organise things (see above) and know that i'm in. he's one that i can tell anything and everything and he sorts through it with me, and gives me such good advice i swear he's going to write a self-help book or something some day.

and finally theres april..... a my goodness if ever there was a time for me to meet someone that clicks with me, it was now. the fruit of years of depending on the belief that i would meet people i clicked with once i finished school. well, that time is here and she is my Person. as Christina from Greys Anatomy said, 'if i murdered someone, she would be the person i call to help me drag the body across the living room floor'
which i would.
call her, not murder someone. mind you, there are two people i can think of off the top of my head that i would like to see gone, but we have already discussed this arrangement and figured that it would be too blindingly obvious that it was her doing the dirty work for me, what with the brand 'for Liv' left on their bodies :)

ahhhhh some people would think we're serious about it, the venom that comes with the details.......... we're not.

well...... half-not.


i've come to realise that i have some pretty awsome friends, and i love them dearly, and even with all the miserable melancholic feelings i have, i know that theyll always be there for me, purely because its a fact, and i would go to the ends of the world for these people.

Thursday, 14 January 2010

And the goodbye is always the hardest one.

I can't fully articulate what's going on inside my head right now because 1. it will make me start crying again. 2. theres about 8 trains of thought happening, most of which are hypothetical conversations, arguments. and 3. I will sound pathetic.


Because the boy I love told me he can't be with me because he's in love with someone else and it isn't fair to lead me on.

By some strange mental power, I can actually live with that fact, because it's logical. I can't live with the fact that he's gone, and I just lost a best friend. It went beyond 'liking to be around him' weeks ago, he physically makes me feel better just with his presence and even as he told me this, in the back of my car, waiting for his mum and sister to come back, I was still sitting in that cocoon of him taking away every problem I have, eve if he's the cause. Once I left that bubble... well..... I haven't cried that hard in a long, long time.

I keep getting told that I'll find someone else. But, at this point, I dont want anyone else. Just him. Always just him. I kept waking up in the night, thinking that it was all a mistake and just one of those freaky-realistic nightmares. Apparently not.

I can't do this without him, not simply because I lost the first person I've ever truly fallen in love with, but because I feel like he's cut himself out entirely, leaving me with 1/3 less of me than I had before, and I have no friend either.

And it shits me off because there are basically no connections, no reasons, for me to go back to his town and just see him on passing. He was always the reason. Him and his family. Which I will see before I leave for Thailand, if only to get my book back and return a chapstick.

I want to change it. But that needs time, to see if I'm missed enough to be welcomed back. God, I hope I am. I don't want to be without him. And goodness knows I have the strongest resolve of anyone I know, and that makes things happen the way I want them to, but..... I don't know....

I need to talk to him, because I froze up last night and just sat there in shock, but I need to say them, ask them. Because all I have left is hope. Stupid, foolish, heartbroken hope.

Monday, 11 January 2010

Sleeping in safety

This corner is like a safety box, with enclosing walls on three sides, enough that sitting at the very top of my mattress feels as though one is in a very small enclave, and can survey the rest of the room without being a part of it.
I like it like this, as it makes me feel secure, safe, and, oddly enough, organised. This last fact is totally irrational as my room is, frankly, a shambles. Thats what comes with moving everything you own from one side of the room to the other. Once i find homes for them, i'm going to have significantly less objects invading this space. But that's another story....

In this space, I can sit, and the pillows soak up the emotion, and I can sleep peacefully, for the most part. In this single square metre, it is silent, free from other's opinions, and my own thoughts. They reside on the beanbag and the floor.

The dog still sleeps on my softball kit under my bed, and this is placed conveniently under my bead-head. So, every now and again I hear 'puff ... puff... puff' as he breathes in his little doggy sleep. He's the one space invader I don't mind whatsoever. He's just a part of life, as is heartbreak and laughter and fun and boredom, hard work and leisure, pleasure and pain. Just a part of life. But it all bleeds into one colour here in this space: pink. The deep hue of my wall and pillow, and a splash of blue from my sheets.

It's Not Me

It can't be, because I had the best night's rest I've had in months last night, and I didn't let go of my pillow the entire time, that I am certain of, because I half woke up about nine times, but this is okay.

I had this dream, where the government used a helicopter with missiles to blow up their own country's Boeing 747, full of people. This in turn caused the plane to crash into the Rocky Mountains, which began an avalanche of rocks and trees. It juts collapsed. And the sensible thing was to climb up, not run down, because there was no chance of survival by running away, only by facing it and dodging. And I could see massive boulders, and pine trees falling towards me, but I ran up, and sideways, and up some more. Only a small percentage of the hundreds of people on the mountainside survived. I saw TV coverage of it later on in the dream, and there were others sprinting up like I was, and so many died when half this one mountain fell over.
Then I was in a waiting room, telling a woman about it, and how I knew it was the government that did it. She just looked at me, and said 'come with me' and took me by the arm and into another room, where there were about half a dozen people sitting around. They were all special in some way. There was a little boy who could manipulate energy. And a gaunt woman in the corner. A man came to me, lay me down, and said 'do you know what I can do?' I looked at him and said 'yes. You take memories, dreams'
'That’s right'.
And with that, he placed his thumb and index finger against my forehead, and pulled my memories out. Or tried. I just shut my eyes and could see them moving, like white light, out of my skull towards his hand. And then.... I woke up sitting next to that little boy. But there were more of us. I looked at him, and he asked why I was here. 'They took my memory'
'Of what?'
'Because I saw our government kill hundreds of its own people'
He looked at me in shock, realising as I did, that the man DIDN'T take my memories. The woman that brought me there heard me, and said I was to go see Steven Hawking. A young man looked at me in horror and said 'if you go in there you will NEVER come out!' He was the most powerful man in wherever I was, clearly, because weaker attempts had failed. I said to the little boy quietly to prepare himself, and think strong. I looked at the young man, who nodded, and told the woman in the corner, and a couple on the opposite wall.
I shut my eyes, and then opened them and everyone had needles coming out of them, all lit up, like optic fibres. The little boy was red on his torso, and blue on his jeans, and the needles moved up all by themselves, like a porcupine. We all did. Yellows, greens, red and blues, all rippling colours, all getting stronger. Suddenly, a loud band was heard and the door blew off its hinges, and we made a run for it. These people had been on the mountain too. And Daniel was there, in an apartment leading from this hellhole, waiting for me. He picked me up and hugged me, put me down, and we ran. Me and him and the people with powers. I must have been a threat, or powerful or something, else wise they would never have put me in there. Knowledge always was power, and those with all the brute force are terrified of it. I woke up in a double bed, clinging to D, who merely groaned a bit at my movement, rolled over, and cuddled me. I thought to myself, 'he's just a pillow when I really do wake up.’ Rolled over and sure enough, there was my pillow in my arms.

This isn't my angst that I feel. It's not, because I am dreaming in Epics again. I am dreaming of power, and justice, and super powers, just like I used to. So who am I channelling here? Live around people that believe they're empathic long enough and you begin to trust your own instincs a whole lot more. Seems that maybe I'm more receptive than I thought originally....

Sunday, 10 January 2010

I can only ever be me...

I'm not entirely sure who that is, at the moment. I can, however, try things out, and if they feel right, then it's okay. If not, well..... don't repeat the experience.
I'm unsure of myself, more than anything, like..... like I can't believe what I see, hear, feel. Logic tells me that I should trust these, but I can't handle another breach of this trust. I can't pretend that I have given back that same level of it, either, and that's all it is right now: a façade. I drop it and he sees that something's wrong. Well, he always was able to read me ridiculously well... not that I make a conscious effort to hide it the majority of the time. Its just at this particular point, I'm not sure what exactly is bothering me so much. I feel like I should be over the Indiscretion by now........ but I'm not. It's still sitting there, in my subconscious, festering. And it is doing so because I feel as though talking about it any more than has already been said is going to be met with 'ugh not again!', purely because I'm not sure what more there is to be said. A promise was made for it not to happen again, and god knows regret is there. I'm just.......
I don't know. And I hate that.

So here I sit, unsure what to do with myself, unsure what to say, and with no idea what could happen when I finally do spill my guts and every thought I've had in the last 24 hours comes out. But ... I've seen him both of the last two days, and am still being wary not to overcrowd and become a nuisance.

So no, I'm not okay, and I'm not sure why, because it seems to be just a general feeling of angst. But ... I do know that I will be okay eventually. It's just a matter of being comfortable in my own life, and comfortable enough around those that I love, to relax and stop feeling like I need to be composed all the time.

I'm stepping on eggshells and I need to start walking normally, lest I lose my mind and scare someone.

Thursday, 7 January 2010

Reality Check

See, there's this kid called Jordan.

I've never met him, merely heard his name from a friend of his. I don't know how old he was, what music he liked, what he wanted to do with his life, if he loved dogs more than cats, or what his preferred drink was. And I never will know these things.

He died.

Wrote off a car on the freeway earlier in the week. Speeding, perhaps? I don't know. It didn't really hit me that someone's life actually ended until sever hours after I found out, while I was in the middle of serving someone at work.
When the accident happened, it was laughed off after it was established that he was conscious and okay.
Apparently not.

I am not the safest driver, I readily admit this, mainly because I am still working out the kinks of driving a manual transmission that I didn't learn on and before two months ago, could not have driven even if I wanted to. I also freely admit to flying at 160km/h down the freeway to go home at midnight, and 150km/h on the back roads into murray bridge. The fact I never got caught was a miracle. The fact I JUST escaped a speeding fine and loss of licence a week ago, purely because the other car in the line of the radar was speeding, was another one. I'm just lucky, I guess.
And yet.... it never even occurred to me, even with all the promotions on television, and the drivers ed lessons at school which left me nauseus and on the verge of tears.... what a car crash could actually do. And the policeman was right..... you don't realise until it actually happens to someone you know, or yourself. This is close enough.

After that near-miss with the radar I vowed never to speed again, and I havent ... yet.
I can't comprehend properly what his death has done to others. But it's like a web, stretching out with every relationship connection, to affect hundreds of people. I'm the third link in the chain and i'm sitting here breathless. Because that could have been Daniel.That could have been me. I go through there all the time.
And now I sit here thanking every star in the sky that this didn't happen to anyone in my family, or my close friends. I honestly don't know what I'd do if I lost any of them. I mean, sure, people move on... but....... fuck.

Is that all there is to this ridiculously fragile life?! One SINGLE error and you DIE?!?!?!?! Well shit, what chance is there that we're all going to be in an accident? I feel like....... like it doesn't matter what we do, we're all going to end up in the same place eventually.

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
But then I remember that it would put others through what hundreds of people go through every day.
look here..... in 2010.... These people are just a statistic.

Look at the numbers. And if not, look here, in my words:

in the last three years and one week (07 - 10) there have been a total of 343 people die from acidents.
Last year, 10 P-platers died.
19 people in MY age bracket (16-19)passed away.
119 people died.
1127 were seriously injured. This doesn't mean broken arms and bumps to the head. This means weeks, MONTHS, in hospital, in rehabilitation, many will NEVER regain full use of their body.

But .... Just a statistic.


Please, PLEASE do NOT let fatalities turn into just another number. There are families, friends, workmates all missing a person. People live with this pain, this absence, for the rest of their lives.

I cannot do anything to stop these deaths,
but I can make sure I drive safer,
that I don't speed, or drink/drug drive.

So can you.

R.I.P Jordan, and R.I.P the 114 people^ that will die on South Australian roads this year, my heart goes out to you, and your families and your friends that have to deal with the loss of someone they love.

^ stat from the sapolice website.

Wednesday, 6 January 2010

Truth and movement.

I have come to the conclusion, after the last post, that it isn't fair on myself to torture moi as i do. Nor is it fair to send scathing little remarks. So I shan't. It ain't gonna be easy, I DO know that.
But life moves on. No denying that fact, and wether or not I like it, I need to move with it, to look beyond what happened, and focus instead on the future. Because there's a LOT more of that than there is hours of regret behind me. So Smile :)

It's still hard to leave. I do a pretty damn good job of stopping it until I'm far away, on my own, where you don't have to see. And the music comes on in my car, flying down the highway, and tears betray me with their lines on my face. All because I have to leave you behind with those beautiful lights. And I know it's only a matter of days. But she's singing in my ear 'I need you here tonight, and I know that you don't want to be leaving, yeah you want it but I cant help it, I just feel complete when I'm by your side'. And never was a better lyric sung for me, as we are, right now.
It's not waking up and realising you're not beside me. It's nightmares.Over and over again. Stress, running, hiding. And you stop that, the moment I see your face, fall into those eyes, and grin back at you.

......We knew it would happen eventually...................
By some irony these same songs play right now. A sign maybe?

I am yours for the taking. Would you take me away?


It begins with a click. Sometimes with a musical tone, sometimes with merely the sound of a shutter closing. Data is stored, and converted into pixels, and is often transported onto a computer, where it ends up as millions of little dots, all coming together to make a picture. A representation of what the eye saw, and wanted to remember elsewhere than the brain, or to show others even after the moment has passed.
But then one must ask - who wants to see this moment that you deemed important enough to photograph?

Sunday, 3 January 2010

My People

I'm noticing more and more that I have two friend groups: school and not. I spend more time with the 'not'. It's just a shame they dont intermingle. Mind you, in some ways it s a good thinkg - it means theyre not like eachother. This doesnt worry me in the lisghtest because, sitting on Daniel's lap in my room with April on the bed and Nick in the beanbag... I realised that these three are my best friends, and I don't know what I'd do without them. Nick's level headed logic about the world, and me, keep me relatively grounded when it would be so so easy to fly up and away into unrealism. April.... well, I spend about 80% of my time with her and as such, I have a natural inclination to tell her everything. Without a doubt I'm going to be friends with her for a long time, at the bery least because I have yet to meet someone that 'gets' me as much as she does. Not even D wins there. Speaking of which.... Daniel...

It's not that I consciously WANT him to feel bad, but it certainly does make me feel better knowing he feels guilty. I'm not entirely sure what the reason behind this is. I guess that.... him feeling bad means that he feels there was something to feel bad ABOUT. So he does care after all.......   I'm worried I'm always going to be like this when the mention of certain individuals arises. Maybe I haven't forgiven him as totally as I thought. Mind you, I don't know the other(s), so I cannot feel so furious at them. If they were my friends I suppose I would have already whacked them very very hard, despite the fact that I am fairly certain that it would not have hurt them at all whatsoever. Would still have made me feel good. I need a punching bag to beat the crap out of when I feel like this. Is rather therapeutic - seems like I have a violent/aggressive streak after all....

I'm afraid of getting hurt again. That's why I'm sitting at an emotional arms length. I'll come in for a cuddle every once in a while, but ..... I don't want to sit that close for long periods of time like I did, because the fact is, even though I don't want to think it, I am almost certain that he is going to hurt me like that again.
My first reaction once I had calmed down enough to think in some kind of order was, 'he doesnt care about me as much as I thought he did'. He's right, it isn't fair. Not fair that I don't even notice other people anymore. Just him. And I'm fairly certain that if I wanted it, there are about five people that would have me if I so desired it. But I don't.
I'm not sure what it is about the boy, merely a feeling that he is going to be important, to me and to others. And this is just about the only reason I am around, from this feeling. I don't waste my time with layabouts and deadbeats. He's not one of them, I can sense it, and so I stick around, curious as to what's going to happen.
In a way, we're closer, because I think he's left down a couple more barriers since we spoke without any. I'm just afraid to look and see who's there without them.

But is it him... or me... that I'm afraid to find?

Friday, 1 January 2010

'that would hurt, but im wearing jeans, so okay!'

First off, apologies for the message below this one. Without a doubt one of the most entertaining nights i've had in a while. purely because i was undoubtedly out of it. First time, too. Truly am greatful that i spent it with april. have also changed my mind, and JD's is disgusting. But thats because its whisky. i'll stick to flavoured methylated spi- i mean vodka. : )

Have also decided that she is a MUCH better driver of my car than i am.... mind you, the drive back to aprils from here was pretty good, i think i have the hang of it ....  MORE ACCELLERATION 

feeling rather out of it. in fact i'm sitting here just barely able to type, (though this is getting better, and psrt of it is the fault of the coputer - i'm not used to using a macbook). need water. lots of it. =soooooooooo dehydrated its ridiculous, and even then its not because of the not-so-copuous amounts of alcohol consumed last night.^ i just havent been drinking because i keep losing the water bottle im using at the time. i bet you anything that theyre under the seats of my car. i DO know theres a 2L one in the back tht i usuall wake with me everywhere...... bet it tastes feral now though. ew.

anyways....... new years resolutions.

aside from the crass ones suggested at josh's last night, which i will endeavour to fulfil at some point, i'm not sure if i have any
i do know im going to stop eating crap. like, make a conscious effort - its lowering my blood pressure and making me REALLY dizzy.

am also going to get my ears (for the second time) and belly button pierced. contemplating a tattoo but i dont think this will happen. no way, purely because i'm a bit odd about permanantly colouring my skin.
But these will happen after i get back from thailand because i'd rather not get some kind of nasty infection while im over there.

hmmmmmmm what else?

I'm going to not damage my car at all, and remain on time with repayments.

also going to make a really BIG effort with uni, because i need to be getting good marks if i want to transfer. but is like mum says: hey you might really love it at uniSA and not want to transfer,
unikely - the human physiology and anatomy courses as electives at flinders are way too interesting.... but then, SA might get me into radio, with all those communication courses or whatever. looks like fun.

i'd love to do radio. i figured cause i have this lisp it wouldnt work out though, urgh. but then i heard a guy on triple J and he had one so im like..... fuck. i wish id done work experience there rather than at a hairdresser. god. that ws the biggest waste of a week ive EVER had!

am rambling. will endeavour to write a better post when i get home. i officially hate this keyboard. i love the fact that this computer is like 3 inches smaller than mine, quieter, AND it's not hot and been onfor like 90 mins already on my legs. but hey, the layouts too whacked.

so. will write again lter. thoguh am not entirely sure when. have somewhat lost the motivation to blog. i think partly because i do it at stupid times of the day. like almost midnight. go fiure. blurgh.

Until next time,


^ have discovered that i am a major lightweight. disadvantage: cant hold my alcohol well. advantage: costs much less for me to get drunk. however, i have eaten two meals in the same number of days: breakfast. the rest was snacks. mind you, the chicke thing we had at aprils family's house was amazing :)
i love swimming at night.


HAPPY NEW YWAER! spelling errors and all!!! with an amaxing night with april, i went to joshs and then hung ojut ith apeil. i have BAD spell errors cause im rpooo drunk to tyype and even walk normall. i love april cause she is looking after me. :D i probs wont remember this and am saving this as a draft. and I LOVE DANIELLLLLLLLL ecause as fucked up as likfe is i do. :D HAPPY NEW YEAR