I can't fully articulate what's going on inside my head right now because 1. it will make me start crying again. 2. theres about 8 trains of thought happening, most of which are hypothetical conversations, arguments. and 3. I will sound pathetic.
Because the boy I love told me he can't be with me because he's in love with someone else and it isn't fair to lead me on.
By some strange mental power, I can actually live with that fact, because it's logical. I can't live with the fact that he's gone, and I just lost a best friend. It went beyond 'liking to be around him' weeks ago, he physically makes me feel better just with his presence and even as he told me this, in the back of my car, waiting for his mum and sister to come back, I was still sitting in that cocoon of him taking away every problem I have, eve if he's the cause. Once I left that bubble... well..... I haven't cried that hard in a long, long time.
I keep getting told that I'll find someone else. But, at this point, I dont want anyone else. Just him. Always just him. I kept waking up in the night, thinking that it was all a mistake and just one of those freaky-realistic nightmares. Apparently not.
I can't do this without him, not simply because I lost the first person I've ever truly fallen in love with, but because I feel like he's cut himself out entirely, leaving me with 1/3 less of me than I had before, and I have no friend either.
And it shits me off because there are basically no connections, no reasons, for me to go back to his town and just see him on passing. He was always the reason. Him and his family. Which I will see before I leave for Thailand, if only to get my book back and return a chapstick.
I want to change it. But that needs time, to see if I'm missed enough to be welcomed back. God, I hope I am. I don't want to be without him. And goodness knows I have the strongest resolve of anyone I know, and that makes things happen the way I want them to, but..... I don't know....
I need to talk to him, because I froze up last night and just sat there in shock, but I need to say them, ask them. Because all I have left is hope. Stupid, foolish, heartbroken hope.