Sunday, 3 January 2010

My People

I'm noticing more and more that I have two friend groups: school and not. I spend more time with the 'not'. It's just a shame they dont intermingle. Mind you, in some ways it s a good thinkg - it means theyre not like eachother. This doesnt worry me in the lisghtest because, sitting on Daniel's lap in my room with April on the bed and Nick in the beanbag... I realised that these three are my best friends, and I don't know what I'd do without them. Nick's level headed logic about the world, and me, keep me relatively grounded when it would be so so easy to fly up and away into unrealism. April.... well, I spend about 80% of my time with her and as such, I have a natural inclination to tell her everything. Without a doubt I'm going to be friends with her for a long time, at the bery least because I have yet to meet someone that 'gets' me as much as she does. Not even D wins there. Speaking of which.... Daniel...

It's not that I consciously WANT him to feel bad, but it certainly does make me feel better knowing he feels guilty. I'm not entirely sure what the reason behind this is. I guess that.... him feeling bad means that he feels there was something to feel bad ABOUT. So he does care after all.......   I'm worried I'm always going to be like this when the mention of certain individuals arises. Maybe I haven't forgiven him as totally as I thought. Mind you, I don't know the other(s), so I cannot feel so furious at them. If they were my friends I suppose I would have already whacked them very very hard, despite the fact that I am fairly certain that it would not have hurt them at all whatsoever. Would still have made me feel good. I need a punching bag to beat the crap out of when I feel like this. Is rather therapeutic - seems like I have a violent/aggressive streak after all....

I'm afraid of getting hurt again. That's why I'm sitting at an emotional arms length. I'll come in for a cuddle every once in a while, but ..... I don't want to sit that close for long periods of time like I did, because the fact is, even though I don't want to think it, I am almost certain that he is going to hurt me like that again.
My first reaction once I had calmed down enough to think in some kind of order was, 'he doesnt care about me as much as I thought he did'. He's right, it isn't fair. Not fair that I don't even notice other people anymore. Just him. And I'm fairly certain that if I wanted it, there are about five people that would have me if I so desired it. But I don't.
I'm not sure what it is about the boy, merely a feeling that he is going to be important, to me and to others. And this is just about the only reason I am around, from this feeling. I don't waste my time with layabouts and deadbeats. He's not one of them, I can sense it, and so I stick around, curious as to what's going to happen.
In a way, we're closer, because I think he's left down a couple more barriers since we spoke without any. I'm just afraid to look and see who's there without them.

But is it him... or me... that I'm afraid to find?

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