Wednesday, 25 January 2012

One day.

One day I'll travel the world, do great things, win awards for the cool new something-something i've discovered in the brain.
One day I'll teach, own my own practice, get married and have kids. Buy a house, or four.
One day I'll be the head of my family, the oldest, the most responsible.

But not today. For now, I'm content just being a girlfriend, a teenager, who goes to the beach, plays with the dog, a smiling girl behind the Bakery counter who happens to make nice coffee.

Tuesday, 24 January 2012

Finally, real summer.

Finally, Adelaide is having somewhat of a heatwave. I can say this with certainty because there's a 70% chance of getting burnt standing outside for more than 5 mins, and my boyfriend, ever the Scottish patriot, wont stop complaining about the heat. Personally, I' like to be be out in it for most of the day, but this could be attributed to my ability to apply sunscreen, and seek bodies of water wherever possible (had my head in the laundry sink today, was the closest to a pool I can get lately).
I have to admit, I'm beginning to appreciate the hell that must be living on the Adelaide Plain -- the Hills get a different, less suffocating kind of heat - we have a cooler breeze, for one thing.

Australia day on Thursday. For the first time in three years I'll actually be able to do something. Admittedly, it appears it shall involve working 8- 1.30, possibly the beach (yay!), finished up by heavy drinking with several Scots (because, clearly the cool thing to do is chill with your partners parents mates). The latter worries me slightly, for several reasons.
1. I haven't drunk seriously in a long time, so my usual title of Lightweight has now been upgraded to Teetotaller, and Glaswegians are known for their ability to drink anyone under the table.
2. This means that I'll be drunker a lot faster, and thus be my usual squeaky, loud, slightly clumsy drunken self.... in front of le bf's parents, who, so far, seem to like me. I'd like to keep it that way.
3. I have to work a wedding the following afternoon, and 10 hours of catering work is tough, let alone while hungover.

Uni goes back in a month, and I'm chewing at the bit - this year will shape where my Honours Thesis comes from, I'd just like to have some kind of idea now, rather than a vast mass of fog where my future should be visible. I suppose this is what happens when you're given all the choices in the world, 25 words on each, and said you can pick any one you like.

I never was the best at making decisions.

Friday, 13 January 2012

Is he worth all this, is it a simple yes? Cause if you have to think, it's fucked.

It's a sudden heartbeat in your throat, faster and faster. 
It's adrenaline: you can feel it pulsing in your fingers, making the itch to move even stronger.
It tastes bitter, and you fight to maintain composure.
You fail.
Breaths come faster and faster, shallow, hyperventilating.
Turn around wildly, feeling the carpet beneath your toes,
Staring at the walls of what now feels like a brightly-coloured prison.
The desire to run is overwhelming.
The soft chords of the music bring you back to reality.
Breathe deeper. Slower. Calm. Fight the panic.
Dappled light is still visible through closed eyes,
Changing the view from black, to pink and red.
Inhale. Exhale.
A snuffling noise and whiskers on your foot alerts you to the presence
Of a welcome little face, staring up in unconditional devotion.
Kneel down, take handfuls of short hair and folds of skin,
He leans in, and licks my neck - hugging back in the only way a dog knows how.
Oh to live a life where the most important thing is cuddles and the time of dinner.

Wednesday, 11 January 2012

Better late than never.

This will be the fourth time I've tried to write in the last week. Something keeps holding me back, like some invisible force. It's like running into a doorway covered in gladwrap: the way seems clear then BAM, plastic in your nostrils.

As with most other years, I am attempting for the umpteenth time to get my room into order. Maybe I didnt do it last year because I was so hell-bent on getting out of my parents place, that redecorating an entire room seemed like an expensive waste of time. Upon realising that I earn not nearly enough money to do such a thing, I have resigned myself to the fact that I will need to get some sense of decency into this hell-hole, lest it eat me in my sleep.
Enter: IKEA.
Despite a sad lack of single bed frames, the place is amazing. I've got almost all my stuff picked out, I think I'm going to do a one-item-purchase-at-a-time type deal, so I can see it better, rather than spend 400 hours building the things, realising that they dont all fit in the room, and throwing in the Allen Key all together.

Whats the phrase.... cluttered house, cluttered mind? Something like that?
With the stress and worry of the last few days, plus sleep exhaustion from working pretty much all hours of the weekend, I could really do with a bit of calm cleanliness.

A few conversation in the past month have made me realise some things need to be removed entirely from my life in order to move on and be happy in said movement. Though, it's hard sometimes to maintain that sense of stability and overall calm.
You know why it's hard to be happy? Because it's hard to let go of the things that make me sad. 
But, nine days in the making, comes a new resolution, and a new enthusiasm to kickstart the baby steps, thus ensuring it happens:
  • No more dwelling on the crappy bits, remember to smile, and take stock every day of who and what makes my world a better place to live in.
  • Remember that some things are out of my control: if they are, do not spend all my energy obsessing over them - it just leads to a sour mood and premature exhaustion.
  • Do it: even if it's scary, terrifying. If you are truly mean it (whatever 'it' is), the fear is a springboard, not a barrier.
I'm sure the list will get longer as time goes on, and I discover, as a naturally highly-strung, slightly neurotic person, how to actually achieve these things.
After all - who doesn't want to be a happy, normal, human being?