Wednesday, 30 December 2009

I Know I'm Nothing But Skin And Bones.....

I'm not entirely sure why it is that I find within me the ridiculous ability to forgive when I shouldn't, and quite the opposite, also.
I must be intensely frustrating to be around because I do some of the dumbest things without ever realising the impact.

Have come to a couple of conclusions:

1. I'm not just going to be a silent member of what goes around me. I've had enough of watching people fuck themselves over. But hey, it's their life not mine and I don't particularly care what they do -  it's theirs - so long as it isn't detrimental to the people I DO care about. Doesn't mean I have to watch it.

2. The family and I are going to Waitpinga Beach tomorrow so that my brother and dad can fish properly as they're feeling rather deprived of their normally-regular fish sessions. This will be their first all year, and with only a couple of days left, this is, admittedly, somewhat ridiculous. I'm going to be reading, sleeping and writing - this is where the 'new' diaries come in. They've actually got several years behind them . Hell, one of them is actually about six or eight years old! one for actual writing, one for notes. all set : )

3. I'm a little too head over heels for D. Need to rein that in a LOT. Will try. Nuff said.

4. Please forgive the possibly odd way I'm going to write this. I'm actually rather angry, as time goes by long enough to fully digest what happened.

*I HATE being reprimanded and am seeing an ENORMOUS hypocrisy in it at the moment, so I'm not sure what I'll say if I see them again. Really pissed off about it. REALLY pissed*.
My brother is an incredible judge of character. I am less so, I suppose partly because I've been forced to get on with people from all walks of life and as such have ignored my intuition for many years. I'm learning to listen to it now, and there are some people that make me mentally shudder and shy away. Not because they are bad people *who knows, they could be* but as far as it affects me, the sensation is that of 'hopeless. get away. run. wasted.' the end. And conditioning tells me to swallow this. Well, not anymore. I'm listening with both ears and I dont want to be around deadbeats. Easy : )

5. I'm Happy.

Despite all the shit that has, or could have, happened in the last 48 hours, I am happy. And this is all that matters right now, because it means I won't dream of car accidents, or people scaring me. And this is good.

Monday, 28 December 2009

'I Don't Know'

I hate the words 'I don't know' as an answer. It's a stupid answer that simply fills in the gaps of what you're really needing to think about and what is going to be said.
It fills in thought space, means you don't have to face up to the facts, what you really need to talk about, think about. Personally, as soon as I start using it I stop and think 'No, what do I really need to think about here, what am I blocking?'.
Sometimes its painful as all hell to think it, and as I type this, I know am doing that in my head, blocking things out, I mean.
I've not cried like this in a while. Mind you, I find myself in an entirely new situation. I don't like it.
I have too long to wait before I get this figured out. But, I guess, part of me needs to sleep on it. The rest of me needs to run, and talk. This is impossible because the person I need to talk to is either 1. Asleep, or 2. Talking to mum about the same things I need to talk to them about.

Things are a-changing, my friends. And change is scary. Terrifying. But change is necessary. And it's at those times when we need people around us to hold our hand, and reassure us that that step, even if it IS scary, will lead onto bigger and brighter things.

I cannot move an inch. Not without leaving a ripple. Which turns into a little wave, which turns into a nasty big wave which then comes back and crashes down upon me.

The most likely end result is that which I do NOT want. Am I weak? I don't thinks so. Not at all. But...... letting go... is not something I do willingly. Ever. I feel empty, and overfull at the same time. Constant nausea, because I know it will be about 19 hours until I have the possibility of discovering what's happening. I'm the one terrified. I think I know what I can do to pass a couple of hours, but it could all be a waste. I'll do it anyway.

"I have a present for you..."
It isn't a matter of willpower on my part, and that's why this is all so hard, I suppose. I need to talk to D, but I can't, and it isn't going to do anyone any good if I do wake him up. That is what tomorrow is for, and frankly I'll be devastated if he is a no-show.
Because this is critical.

Three days, and so much to say!

Good Morning everyone :)

I sit here, having just woken up, tied up my hair and decided i am going to write a novel. Not literally, of course, but so much has happened both in reality* and my mind that A nice long post is deserved, especially since it is rumoured to be hitting upwards of 40 degrees on the Hg**. Theres several things i need to talk about, along with some somewhat useless crap, so i'll make it easy and divide it up into clear, easy to read english language ***

(Warning: LONG post. Use headings to find your way)

Wednesday, 23 December 2009

This is life, this is the way we live it.

It's 9.14, I'm exhausted, and keep pressing the caps lock key instead of the 'a' button. This is intensely annoying. Am doing a clean out of my room, and figure I need to do a clean out of my blog, too. Or rather, start actually writing in cryptic like I used to. This used to be about stress release than anything. Now... I don’t know what it is. I found some pretty awesome posts in my archives (hence the creation of the 'quote of the day' section to the right of this sentence). But it is to the point where I need to write in cryptic again because people I know, respect and love read this and if I write flat out names, faces, feelings... I may be shot. So here goes....

Monday, 21 December 2009

ready set go

i have 15 minutes to fully articulate myself. ready set go.

1. talked with mum for the first time in a month without feeling like i was going to be eaten alive. it's lovely, knowing that people know, for the most part, where i'm coming from now. it's certainly made my bedroom feel a lot calmer. this in itself must mean something good because my room is like my sanctuary, and my bed, where i sit now, is my inner sanctum (fast fact: i hate it when people sit on my bed uninvited. unless i'm willing to welcome one with open arms, it's best to sit in a bean bag or on my desk chair. if this fails, the floor is surprisingly soft and comfy ^^). so it's nice to be able to sit in here and not feel like i'm living in someone else's skin.

it's also warm today - like, decent-ish summer weather. this always makes things better. as does showers. so to have both in one day, plus work in a little bit, is unimaginably nice (no idea if thats spelled right. cause i speak good England ^^)

my stomach is talking to me yet again. this is not surprising since i have had all of two decent-ish meals in the last 36 hours. both breakfast. both eggs. will definitley have to scrounge for something before i leave though - i can't handle another 6 hours without food. this could well kill me, or at the minimum, my blood sugar levels.

somewhat ruined an opportunity last night to mend things with family. ruined it by not being there, yet again. feel really bad about it, too, because i basically ignored my brothers plea for me to be there and my dad and my conversation about wanting to see Avatar the evening before. I'll go see it another time. Maybe tuesday? (i love cheapie tuesday mainly because i dont have anything else to do in those evenings.)
As it was, i've somewhat solved the main opposition re this, and have apologised. will be apologising to da when he gets home, assuming i'm here.

may not be there because i have a work dinner tonight at the pub. this is exciting because 1. its a good (free) meal (though not really free because it's the money from tips and recycling bottles etc) and 2. the chairs there have 'balhannah' on their backs in wrought iron. i love those chairs. what can i say? i'm amused easily.

am rather liking the format of this post because everything is unrelated and at the same time totally linked :)
random mention to Chloe whom i have decided i rather love, even if it did take me a few weeks to adjust to a culture shock.

i can hear a baby magpie squaking to mummy and daddy. i think its hungry. i'm considering telling it to shut up because as soothing as it is at the start, its REALLY annoying now!!!! shan't be here too much longer, mind you.

went to D's last night (probs shouldnt have but hey, i can't stay away even thoguh it IS costing me 1/4 a tank of petrol for a round trip). The poor guy was so tired he looked like he was asleep standing up. thats what happens when you get 6.5 hours sleep in 3 days, i suppose. it was nice, though, because since he was so comatose-ish, i could wander around n do my own thing for a bit, which is nice - i like being able to do this wherever i go, but i only do it if i'm feeling totally comfortable about my surroundings (ie 'you know where food and glasses are, if you want something, go get it yourself' kinda thing).

speaking of food....... *tummy rumble*
mmmmmmmm food....... lets see what is in Livvy's kitchen. back in a moment......

~ ~ ~ ~
Avocado sandwich. yummy.

and this is where i end my stream of consciousness for today, as i need to leave for work in a moment.

adios, amigos

peace out xo

Saturday, 19 December 2009


Went on a walk with Rani today, like we used to. She was panting away - I really need to get her fit again! Mind you, those in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.......people in NORMAL houses shouldn't throw stones, especially of they have no insurance!......
Anyway... it was sorely needed because although I'm going to be sore tomorrow (Oh god, tomorrow. Will explain that in a moment), it gave me an hour or so to clear my head properly. The original intention was for me to think things through. I forgot how mind numbing the outdoors can be - the breeze just blew everything away for a while. I left the house feeling like I was going to cry. One hour, Six kilometres later, I returned, feeling soooooo much more at peace with myself, albeit considerably more tired.

Friday, 18 December 2009

In Limbo

Why oh WHY am I always posting just before I sleep? Imi says it's because this is when noone else is thinks, just me.
Most likely this is true, and I was somewhat astounded to hear this come from a fourteen-year-old.

I'm feeling overly anxious about everything, not because it's hectic, or loud, or angry here..... just that I can feel something powerful moving beneath my feet. And I know not whether I am the cause, the solution, or just another piece of the puzzle.

Wednesday, 16 December 2009


i am so over it. all of it. feeling like i dont belong. being reminded of how morally 'loose' i am at the moment (which i am NOT), told that my family doesnt like who i am. or some nonsense along those lines. i call it nonsense because it simply does not make sense to me.

Monday, 14 December 2009


I'm so tired I can hardly see. It is time for bed, I think, but before bed, I need to write, just a little. Because, you see, I'm realising that this is beautiful, this life, this day, this person.

I'll discover my year 12 results on Wednesday, and, frankly, I'm terrified. But there is nothing I can do to change this, so I don't let it bother me all too much. I'm more concerned if I don't get what i'm looking for and there's all this back lash from my folks. Fact is I could fail all my exams and still get a good enough ter for the base level psych at one of the uni's, so whatever. Life's dandy.

Thinking that I need to keep away from places of stress for a while. I don't like yelling. It bothers me immensley, and I just lay there in the bed of another, hugging them, or myself, or the quilt, waiting for it to stop before I stop and begin to relax. I need sleepovers - our timing sucks majorly. I work all arvo on weekends, and he works all day on weekdays. That gives us like.... 4 hours a day max, and even then that's a case of once or twice a week cause, lets face it, I don't have the money to make an 80km trip every day. I just like to lay there, because there are no expectations, I'm loved for what I am, even if I'm silent, staring at the ceiling, or watching him pottering about the room.

I got my shield burned, battered and torn by a boy, and I've been trying to build it back again. Seems I've done it, to a degree, having been told off for having it in place today. It makes me hard to read, but no more difficult than him.....

Your shield is grey and strong, like the concrete holding a reservoir in place. but I see the cracks. And so do you. You know I'm trying to get through, and it's working rather a lot faster than anticipated. I think it scares you a little bit, because if I get through, I could kill you inside. I think that's happened to you before. otherwise you wouldn't have such a strong caution of others as it is now. Holding someone's heart is power over them. you don't like to be dominated in any way, and this is the worst, because it is such a strong way to be held.
Fact is, I just want to be let in rather than stand at the door banging my fist against it. so I'll chip away at the hinges and open it like that ^^

I just sit here and think to myself...... I wonder what's behind there? Who are you really, because there is so much more to you than the bold façade you present to the world.

I'm seeing flashes, when you let your guard down, and it pains me to see your change in mood. Makes me want to take on the world, just so you smile. I think you know I'd do this.

You know how I fell, and am falling still, but you did not disappear. It gives me hope that you'll feel the same way back one day. I'm not sure what I'd do if you disappeared. Like April's told me: this feeling is love. it is the best and worst thing that will ever happen to you, and it's scary, feeling like that.

She was right.

I AM terrified.

But the prize of this game is worth more than life itself.
And so I jumped.

just this.

there's this girl, you see
but i've never met her.
nor do i wish to, really.
but she scares me just a little.
a threat.
a bubble of resentment.
a silent stare out the window.
like the very thought could stir
dust from the past
and leave me on my ass
in the wake of a reunition.


Sunday, 13 December 2009


it feels good, being able to come to terms with a few things within my own head, with a little help form my friends. one statemend, underpinning an awful lot of the way i feel right about now.... as unwanted as it is, it's true, and it's overwhelmingly powerful. can honestly say i've never felt like this before. and i think i need to make a revision to the statement 'i'd die for no one', for this reason. but thats getting far too deep so early in this post!

Giving Up on Going Out

I don't sleep past 8 these days. I'm not entirely sure why, perhaps I'm just used to it now. I don't do a lot of things nowadays. Iust the way it is, I suppose.

Went into town last night, or rather, tried to. Spent a bit too long getting ready at April's with her and D, and missed the bus, so mucked around for the hour til the next one. Never had an energy drink, not a whole one, before then, and so a Red Bull energy shot combined with me drinking about 4 shots of JD's in an hour (a lot considering I rarely drink), sent me rather excitable on the bus. Got into town, amazingly excited about going out properly with people I rather love to be around, only for to fall flat on my face, metaphorically speaking (I'm never drunk enough to fall over any other way ^^ ).
This week, there is a police blitz each weekend evening in cities all over Australia because they are tired of drunken misbehaviour. As the woman at Winstons told me, its a $10k fine to her and the owner if they let me in and I get caught. Stupid school ID. Ruin my fun.
I cried the whole way home, not because I felt hard done by, or some injustice had occurred, but simply because I'd been looking forward to that for about a month, and I was the youngest there and of course it was going to happen. Felt a bit like a temper tantrum , sulking about it for the hour it took to get home, get my makeup off and crawl into bed. I hate that level of disappointment - it hurts! And this is why I am sitting in bed at 8.20 am writing on here rather than sleeping off a hard night. *grumbles at lameness of my life*

I'll stick to mucking around at home, I suppose, not that I do that anyway. I will be doing it next time, though. I'm sick of the same routine. I know mum was basically like 'its a blessing in disguise' or something. I don't think she wanted me out even though I was with D and regardless of how he gets I'm fairly certain I can say 'I need you' and he's there. Cause he's amazing like that. Mind you, I've decided I like straight JD's ... don't like it with coke, but that's cause I'm not a fan of coke, I suppose - the bubbles make me feel too sick. Can tick that one off the list ^-^

Friday night went a rather a lot better than last night, though. For one thing, I only needed an ID to get in to avoid gate crashers. There was less people there than I expected, considering how huge the venue was, but it was a good night. Stole D's flannel shirt to wear. It's too big, which is to be expected, but I certainly got the assumption of batting for the same team from most people. I didn't care, I just noticed it a lot is all... was too tired from working all day plus an early start to be bothered, besides, I'd rather wear what I did than the amazing LACK of clothing from most other girls. I have actually never seen smaller dresses than I did then. Ew. So not good.

I'll let you in on a secret: I'm wearing that shirt right now cause it makes me feel better when I do ^^ I'm going to have to wash it and give it back this week though *grumbles*

Friday, 11 December 2009


you know that feeling that you want to swallow all someone else's pain, so they don't have to feel it anymore?
I'm feeling vaguely like that after a somewhat unusual day of moving house. it's always seemes a cleansing experience to me, and thats the way i took it today, hanging out with D's family to help them uproot yet again. I'm just happy that he wasnt there, seeing as he hates moving so much. Which is where i happily step in to take his place, despite being considerably smaller.
I had fun moving things double my size and weight, but god, i would hate to be a professional removalist!
But, yes, moving takes its toll on everyone and i'm pretty worn down, only to be going out as soon as dinner arrives and i eat. I am definitley going to be sleeping LATE tomorrow, even if i have to move onto the floor to get away from that sunlight. i swear that's the sky's version of a practical joke, being so damned bright in the morning.

I stole d's shirt. well, technically i asked if i could take it for tonight..... so no stealing, but I'm over the moon about this regardless. It doesn't look as eye-popping as it does on him, but hey, checked shirts are good on everyone.

I have to go now, but i will be writing an awful lot down in the next ..... three days or so, because otherwise i'll forget, and i don't like this uneasy feeling, that i need to do something, anything, to make life easier for a particular someone, and it's making me want to cry because i can do nothing

..... or can i????

Tuesday, 8 December 2009

Spacing Out

I hate drugs. I really do. I’m reading ‘Heroin Diaries: A Year in the Life of a Shattered Rock Star’ By Nikki Sixx, Basist and song writer for Mötley Crue. He was a junkie, in as deep as one can be, using cocaine and heroin constantly. Til he decided to kick the habit, sick of the paranoia that they caused. I need to finish this book, I’m half way through, in June. To me, the idea of being a rock star never appealed, so it’s not as shocking as it might be to some people that it’s not all it’s cracked up to be (excuse the pun). Also, the fact I have no knowledge whatsoever of Mötley Crue other than the name, kinda spoils it just a tad. But still…. I am feeling what I am supposed to, just with the volume turned down a bit. Part of that is me refusing to go through the motions like I usually do – I’m an emotional wreck with some books. Its why I can’t bring myself to read Jodi Picoult.

But…. I’m killing this feeling because it’s being replaced by another sense of… well… hopelessness. I got told someone I know was a really great person to be around, always laughing, smiling, friendly. I don’t know them as that. Apparently that’s what hard drugs did. It’sd always about getting off ones face so reality isn’t apparent anymore.

I like my reality rather a lot, even when it seems like it’s all going down the shitter. Because I have this curiosity about the world. I don’t fill my spare time ruining my head by totally spacing out.

People that turn up to work stoned piss me off. A coach did that at school for the sport I love most. I lost all respect for her that day – and I hold coaches in pretty damn high regard because I understand how difficult it can be to manage a team of 11 girls, the majority of whom don’t really wanna be there.

I guess I’m seeing a different demographic at the moment – I’m a driven person, and I have pretty fuckin high goals. I don’t put myself around people that are happy to settle for less than they’re capable of, because they frustrate me. But it isn’t my place to challenge the way they live, is it? Someone let me know if it is.

I’m somewhat wary of how I say ‘I am going to do Honours Psychology at Flinders’ because the response is always ‘wow the score for that is really high, isn’t it? And why flinders?’
‘yeah, it’s high, but I have a plan if I don’t get a high enough score. And flinders because it’s one of the best schools in the world for studying psychology’. Really, the answer should be ‘because I believe I can do it, and anything less isn’t acceptable,’ because that’s how I feel.

So I sit there, and let it wash over me, not even letting it truly register that I’m a part of the conversation – I’m not really, not in my head. In my head it’s ‘get out, get out, get out’ cause I’m determined not to fall over myself and stop, like people do. School gives me something to do. Apparently narcotics are something to do too.

‘I do it because it fills the space when you’re not here’

It breaks my heart that people do these things. WHY?!?!??!?!?! I don’t think I’ll ever understand it, and it hurts like hell that people I care about, person I care about, does it. We think if I was to get into it, they’d spiral. That made me cry. The thought of losing them, even if they’re still around, kills me. You know what I mean? Like, they’re physically there but mentally they’re a different person than the one you love to be around? Yeah, that one.

What do I want for Christmas? I want him to be clean. Totally clean.

But I don’t think that would happen.

Not even for me.

Cause If You Jump, I Will Jump Too.

From sitting on my bed, enjoying my evening, to in a strange living room with someone i've met for literally a minute, some three months previously. This is the way my days, er, nights, are heading, I suspect. I don't mind it - I'm just shy when I'm around people I dont know - all comes with the comfort level, I suppose, the more comfortable I feel around someone, the more animated I am. But put strange substances and total strangers I nthe mix and I will very happily become a wall flower, rather than take centre stage. These are, after all, some people I need to make some kinda good impression to, because apparently 'Home' likes to talk, and that bothers me a little. But hey, I'm new meat, it was going to happen.

Sunday, 6 December 2009

For the most part, feeling pretty good. Went to stay at the place D is housesitting. Almost had a heart attack when my alarm on my phone went off to tell me it was time to drive home. I hate not being allowed to sleep over. Come to think of it, i just hate my alarm more. **note to self: change alarm to something a little less harsh ** It actually is beginning to really piss me off. But rules are rules, and I know how important it is to keep this one, and not challenge it, at least for now.

Friday, 4 December 2009

DoE / beach / =)

there are four things on my mind right now: food, shower, going to the beach with april, and blogging.

the first and second because i have just woken up and decided to get on here after i was told i had to write something last night, but was too tired to do so. so here i am :) and the third (as i believe that explains the fourth also) is because i havent been t the beach for ages, and schoolies doesnt count. i didnt go swimming, how insulting.

Wednesday, 2 December 2009

Speech night and sleeping

You're going to have to excuse the erratic nature of this particular post - I am supremely bored right now, after having a rather entertaining day. Most sensibly, I would have a shower and go to sleep for an hour. Most likely, I will not do this.