Monday, 14 December 2009


I'm so tired I can hardly see. It is time for bed, I think, but before bed, I need to write, just a little. Because, you see, I'm realising that this is beautiful, this life, this day, this person.

I'll discover my year 12 results on Wednesday, and, frankly, I'm terrified. But there is nothing I can do to change this, so I don't let it bother me all too much. I'm more concerned if I don't get what i'm looking for and there's all this back lash from my folks. Fact is I could fail all my exams and still get a good enough ter for the base level psych at one of the uni's, so whatever. Life's dandy.

Thinking that I need to keep away from places of stress for a while. I don't like yelling. It bothers me immensley, and I just lay there in the bed of another, hugging them, or myself, or the quilt, waiting for it to stop before I stop and begin to relax. I need sleepovers - our timing sucks majorly. I work all arvo on weekends, and he works all day on weekdays. That gives us like.... 4 hours a day max, and even then that's a case of once or twice a week cause, lets face it, I don't have the money to make an 80km trip every day. I just like to lay there, because there are no expectations, I'm loved for what I am, even if I'm silent, staring at the ceiling, or watching him pottering about the room.

I got my shield burned, battered and torn by a boy, and I've been trying to build it back again. Seems I've done it, to a degree, having been told off for having it in place today. It makes me hard to read, but no more difficult than him.....

Your shield is grey and strong, like the concrete holding a reservoir in place. but I see the cracks. And so do you. You know I'm trying to get through, and it's working rather a lot faster than anticipated. I think it scares you a little bit, because if I get through, I could kill you inside. I think that's happened to you before. otherwise you wouldn't have such a strong caution of others as it is now. Holding someone's heart is power over them. you don't like to be dominated in any way, and this is the worst, because it is such a strong way to be held.
Fact is, I just want to be let in rather than stand at the door banging my fist against it. so I'll chip away at the hinges and open it like that ^^

I just sit here and think to myself...... I wonder what's behind there? Who are you really, because there is so much more to you than the bold façade you present to the world.

I'm seeing flashes, when you let your guard down, and it pains me to see your change in mood. Makes me want to take on the world, just so you smile. I think you know I'd do this.

You know how I fell, and am falling still, but you did not disappear. It gives me hope that you'll feel the same way back one day. I'm not sure what I'd do if you disappeared. Like April's told me: this feeling is love. it is the best and worst thing that will ever happen to you, and it's scary, feeling like that.

She was right.

I AM terrified.

But the prize of this game is worth more than life itself.
And so I jumped.

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