Friday, 18 December 2009

In Limbo

Why oh WHY am I always posting just before I sleep? Imi says it's because this is when noone else is thinks, just me.
Most likely this is true, and I was somewhat astounded to hear this come from a fourteen-year-old.

I'm feeling overly anxious about everything, not because it's hectic, or loud, or angry here..... just that I can feel something powerful moving beneath my feet. And I know not whether I am the cause, the solution, or just another piece of the puzzle.

I get nervous over nothing, recently. It's actually my intuition telling me that something's up. The question is: what?! I have things happening that are certainly contributors at the moment. But I think I might be working through some of these. They all will heal with time. It's just intensely frustrating having to wait for acceptance from others. But that's just because I made my own decisions and judgements weeks ago. It is a little insulting that my own judgements hold so little standing, even though it is my own life, like all their years of parenting have gone out the window. I can understand the reasoning behind it, when explained to me in a calm, rational manner... it's just annoying that they have so little faith in me - I haven't worked this hard to throw it away for some boy and his 'corruptive lifestyle' -- even if this boy is a keeper. ^^ Perhaps I'm a little blind at this stage. I don't think so - I'm merely choosing to ignore some things. But........ even though, at the end of it all, my life goal is to be financially stable, get married and have kids, there are things to do before this. Sure, I could probably throw caution to the wind and be stupid and get myself into trouble for the rest of my life by accelling this process by about 15 years. But I won't. That is just...... inconceivable.

It's one month today, if you go by the date like a sensible person rather than the number of weeks since. I am rather chuffed at this. Partly because it means i've had my car for a month and a day : )
I've never been one to understand sentimental attachment to motor vehicles. I do now. I love this car.
In all honesty this has been one of the most turbulent months in my entire life.I'm not sure if it's worth it. No, that's a lie. It IS worth it. I can feel it in my bones, as stupid as that sounds.
'You hypocrite, you cant say "don't wait for them" - you waited for me'
'Yeah, but I knew with you, I always knew'
'sure sure'
It's like something from a book, as always. All the world's a stage, and we are merely players. Yeah, I romanticise things... But let's face it - this is almost unbelievable.

I feel lost. I'm between homes. In between life stages. Some turn to drugs, others to work. Me - I turn to people. Should probably turn to work. But I just can't wait for uni to start because it gives me something to do, and something for my parents to take heart in the fact that I'm following through exactly like I was always going to.

I need to be where i was 24 hours ago - in a bed, asleep, feeling totally safe. I am currently in a bed (albeit a different one that feels a little less .... accepting), awake and tired, feeling relatively angsty because D is fast becoming a source of calm on which I am reliant. This is not good.


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