Wednesday, 16 December 2009


i am so over it. all of it. feeling like i dont belong. being reminded of how morally 'loose' i am at the moment (which i am NOT), told that my family doesnt like who i am. or some nonsense along those lines. i call it nonsense because it simply does not make sense to me.

i feel alienated, and furious, and like i can't do anything about it. fear keeps me in line. not of people, but of what would happen if i actually put my foot down and said no i'm not swallowing more of this. grounding? i can deal with that. being yelled at? thats nothing new. being told i'm not a part of this family? ouch. getting kicked out? that one i can't handle. and i honestly think that if i had this argument with my mother then she would, in the heat of an argument, tell me to get out.
fact is, i can't look after myself. i don't make enough money to do so. and i have uni to go to. i can't possibly ask my friend's folks to put me up, can i? and D lives too far away to even consider this seeing as uni is in the city.
mind you, uni is in march, several months from now. i have work.
 its all too hard. i need to get away for a few days, be on my own or with people that understand that i need them, while at the same time i need personal silence. it's a rare few people that understand that i need company without needing to entertain. i guess thats why three is a nice number - two can talk while i just ... am.
i can think of two. but at the moment i cant possibly ask the third to be so as they have other responsibilities more important than my mental and familial breakdown inside my head.


1 comment:

  1. Sorry, but for the first time in the history of this blog, and indeed of the universe, I'm hitting the no button...

    I don't think for a second that I'd be privileged enough to be one of those two people, but that said, I too wish I could be around to help out at the moment. Especially now that Lauren and I are just calling it friends, and I no longer have a reason to be earning money here in Mount Compass, I really wish I was in Adelaide and available for many more lunches at the Pancake Kitchen. I miss all that...

    I haven't got a chance to read many of your blogs, what with internet access from the house being limited and my own access to it doubly so, but part of why I write is to console, albeit in my own dodgy dodgy way, because just looking over those titles, the blog seems to have taken a darker twist in recent weeks. I'm sure this is a concentration of all the negative energy you have, and I'm similarly positive that, as such, your situation isn't so bad as you say it is here. That said, I hope as much as any that you're back singing and dancing, and not just putting on a brave face, in the not too distant future, whatever it may take to get you there...

    Good luck, kudos, all that... It'll work out, in the end...
    q:^D-K |:

    P.S. About me and Lauren calling it friends... you're the first to know, apart from us. And it's mutual, and I'm fine. Please don't add that to any worries you may have. :D