It’s become a case of comfort, once again. I’m not entirely sure why this has changed from a state of euphoric bliss to comfort, and I’m not entirely sure I like it. I lie. I love it. But there are some sides to this soul that I am wary of. The soul I refer to is my own. I have total faith, and indeed, in some regard, this scares me because I do not put total faith in people. Or anything, really. It burns too much when I have to swallow the fact that I’m being let down yet again. I suppose this is why I self-sabotage things. I’ve done it so many times.
I get bored, and social complexities are mental stimulation. Unfortunately, in the process, I lose people.
It is to the point now where I have completely had enough of the way I do this, and gave myself such a hard kick for almost doing this yet again. Mainly because this time... the consequences would break me.
I have no shield any more. Not with some people. It’s hard having empaths as a boyfriend and close friend. Especially since, they’re linked in their own very in the first place. It showed too, with a rather odd feeling resulting in concern from one party at about the time I was having a little breakdown to the other party.
I cannot lie.
And so I told. Told myself I wouldn’t say it, and really didn’t want to. But I did. Because that’s what trust is. I know nothing went awry, but it kills me to know it was a legitimate option in my mind. I so seriously though about it that it alarmed me... a lot. And yet, for all the talk, and teasing, and compromise... all I heard in my head was
no. no. no. think about him. What would that do to him? It would mean you never saw him again is what it would mean. Don’t you dare lose him like that. No.
And I spilled my guts. Because it was the right thing to do, I suppose.
I saw a person I’ve never seen before. I mean, I knew they existed. But it's one thing to believe and another thing to witness. And I’ve done both. I am a fighter, a determined little kiddie, and when I really really put my mind to something, all my energies go into achieving this. It would seem that I am succeeding to an extent, because that concrete is being chipped away day by day. I feel like I’m in the presence of an adult, not another teenager. It’s added to adoration, a curiosity, to simply watch actions, movement, and ponder life as I do this. I think the idea of the adult is the fact that I’m comfortable with this person (not in the same sense as above writings. as in, physically comfortable. don’t need to be composed all the time)
Realised truths sit SO much easier than denial! It’s like a rush of relief, when you hold your breath for AGES and then breathe out in one big huff. It’s just a little weird, to me, in comparison of things around me, to be feeling like this, knowing that I am flying solo in this regard. But in this, I will learn patience. Because I am listening to my intuition more and more, and its telling me that this is something big. No innuendo, no puns, no nothing. Just pure 'wow'. And forgive me for stating what millions upon millions of people already feel, but this feels like I’m the only person in the world that feels like this. This is a lie, but I’m not all that fussed to be honest. I can debate collective consciousness in philosophy tutorials at uni next year. Right now, I’m content to sink into a pool of self-satisfaction in regards to my own emotions and how warm and fuzzy he makes me feel.
This is life, and this is the way we live it. I for one love mine, even with all the set backs that could, or have, happened.
I was going to finish with that little statement, until I remembered that I discovered a pile of papers and chain emails that I printed off from several years ago. I re-read them and remembered exactly WHY I kept them. allow me to quote one to you, and yes, you've probably read it before. It's a male point of view and is just a general feel-good thing, even if you disagree:
WHY DO BOYS FALL IN LOVE WITH GIRLS?
1. They will always smell good even if it's just shampoo.
2. The way their heads always find the right spot on our shoulder.
3. How cute they look when they sleep.
4. The ease in which they fit into our arms
5. The way they kiss you and all of a sudden everything is right in the world.
6. How cute they are when they eat.
7. The way they take hours to get dressed but in the end it makes it all worthwhile.
8. Because they are always warm even when its minus 30 outside.
9. The way they look good no matter what they wear.
10. The way they fish for compliments even though you both know that you think she's the most beautiful girl on this earth.
11. How cute they are when they argue.
12. The way her hand always finds yours.
13. The way they smile.
14. The way you feel when you see their name on the call ID after you just had a big fight.
15. The way she says "lets not fight anymore" even though you know that an hour later....
16. The way that they kiss after you have had a fight.
17. The way they kiss you when you say "I love you".
18. Actually, Just the way they kiss you...
19. The way they fall into your arms when they cry.
20. Then the way they apologize for crying over something that silly.
21. The way they hit you and expect it to hurt.
22. Then the way they apologize when it does hurt (even though we don't admit it).
23. The way they say "I miss you".
24. The way you miss them.
25. The way their tears make you want to change the world so that it doesn't hurt her anymore.
Yet regardless if you love them, hate them, wish they would die or know that you would die
without them it matters not.
without them it matters not.
Because once in your life, whatever they were to the world they become everything to you.
When you look them in the eyes, traveling to the depths of their souls and you say a million things without trace of a sound, you know that your own life is inevitably consumed within the rhythmic beatings of her very heart.
We love them for a million reasons, no paper would do it justice.
It is a thing not of the mind but of the heartt.
A feeling. Only felt.
And so I leave you here, to ponder this last little bit. Truth be told, I believe we all feel like this only once in our lifetime. Have you yet?