Friday, 17 December 2010

This is my 491st  post, according to the Blogger Dashboard, so I shall endeavour to write something interesting at least every day until christmas. that way, I'll reach 500 by then. :) (yes, i am aware that that makes me one day short of 500, but miracles happen)

First off, my deepest apologies for such little writing spewing forth from this imaginative young head -- living away from my laptop for a fortnight more or less leaves me with very little ability to write, and using my boyfriends gaming desktop just isn't as inspiring.
My entire room is filled with things i could talk about, and I don't just mean the number of  mugs (empty or otherwise) sitting on my desk way over there in the other corner.
/leans around wardrobe and glares/

Is it sad that i'm as excited as i am over finding a soft case for my laptop? its probably not as difficult as i think it to be, but its taken me months to find such a case for the darling thing.
I need to name it. She's been through so much with me, I feel it is the least i can do.....
well, no, i lie - getting her a new battery is the least i can do, and come christmas, this will be so, and she can run on 4 hours of batteries, rather than 3 minutes.
and then.... she shall be called......... poppy, or gardenia, or something flowery like that.

yes, i think that would be nice :)

Friday, 10 December 2010

I’ve been watching Stargate for the past few months. Admittedly, it took me about a season and a half to really get into it, but now, I absolutely love it. I’ve always been a sucker for good sci-fi. Just finished season 5, and my favourite character died, for no reason at all. I’m like WHAT THE FUCK?!!!!!!
SO not happy. He’s like my ultimate ideal of a person. And he’s dead. Well, technically, he’s ascended to a higher plane of existence, but it still means the same thing. I am NOT liking this new casting bizzo (even though its nearly 10 years old at this point).


In other news, I’m finally home for the first time since Monday night..... again..... I seem to be making a habit of this. It’s going to need to stop, I’m starting to lose the plot again. You know, the mood swings, irritability, general anxiety and depression that result from me being away from my space too long.
Unfortunately, a by-product of spending so much time with B is that I fear I’m becoming a little addicted. Now, evenings spent doing the same thing as I do at his house (ie, eat dinner, talk to people a bit and end up watching an episode of Stargate), but done here.... leave me feeling restless and unwilling to sleep, despite knowing I’m at least somewhat tired. Maybe I should be doing something. Drawing, or writing or.... organising my room or something. I don’t know.

I have all these worries about things I can’t control, primarily because I’m unclear as to what’s happening in relation to them. I dislike getting calls or texts early in the morning asking me to work a shift in an hour, rather than be rostered on. I know I’m only a casual employee, but very rarely am I at home during the week, and getting from Salisbury to Hahndorf in under an hour, when you’ve just woken up and are so tired you can’t see the phone screen, is near impossible when it involves a shower and collection of work clothes en route from home.
I worry about the debt I still owe on my car, and what the insurance company is going to ping me with from an accident that happened over 4 months ago. I really need to just call up the woman and tell her that I’ll pay for a panel beater to fix the panel I bumped. It’s $300 vs $1300. I like the former better. I can actually afford that (just).
I worry about my results, which come out in just under 12 hours. I know they’re good, I just really want to know what they are.
I worry about my family, and how things are changing without me being there, which in turn makes me feel worse, and causes more arguments, which then makes me stay around less, and the cycle begins again.
I’m tired. Not physically, but mentally. Despite having a pretty good day, I’m feeling terrible, and just want a cuddle, one that doesn’t involve a 40 min drive by me, to a bedroom half the size of mine and crammed full of clutter. Mind you, the aforementioned death of said character hasn’t helped.

I think I need to get over this compulsive need to be doing something constantly....

Where’s my knitting?

Sunday, 5 December 2010

Welcome Home.

So this is the first night I've spent home in a week. Well, almost a week. Certainly feels that way. It'll be nice to have my own bed again, but the flipside of that coin is sleeping alone. I don't like that. I like being with my favouritest-ever person more than one night in a row.

So much has happened, been out and about every day - totally loving it. Not so fantastic is the transformation of my car into a wardrobe and general holds-everything container.

Went paintballing for the first time yesterday, in what i'm sure was over 40 degree heat. We got there late and so only got half the time, but it was good. Got some brilliant bruises from it, too, and all from the last 2 rounds. /Sigh/

Went to a picnic with people from uni and their friends. And it just went to show that high school socialability never ends. Theres always a split in groups somewhere, and sure enough, because I'm not from the in-crowd, I got ignored. To be fair, I'm not really friends with them, and I'd certainly have been more chatty myself had I not been so exhausted, and had been tipsy. But I'm sick of making friends while drunk. Thats only one part or me. It left me with a rather sour taste in my mouth, even despite the excruciating heat.

Really, thats all I have to say for now.

Monday, 29 November 2010


So, going through my Psych notes today, I discovered something i hadn't actually read. And I was blown away. It was written by Max Erhmann in 1927.

("Desired Things") 
Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there mat be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly, and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; for they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But to not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labours and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. 
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.
Be careful. Strive to be happy.

I think it's beautiful. And it now has a permanent place on my wall.

Sunday, 28 November 2010

Stress, holidays, and what to do.

It's been ..... 4 days since I finished for the year, and already I'm beginning to go nuts. Despite having a jam-packed weekend planned, I have a whole 5 days to fill in between then and now. For someone who has to be constantly doing something... this isn't a good idea. By the time Friday night comes around, should I have no work shifts handed to me (which I would LOVE *hint hint*), I'll most likely be found under my bed, rocking sideways dementedly like a catepillar with Parkinson's as there isn't enough room to sit upright and repeat the process.

On the list of potential things to do:
  • Go through my makeup and discover what i actually have at disposal. Then, make a list of things that could actually be handy.
  • Same is to be said of my stationary.
  • Random bits of nonsense are going to be sent to the salvos. 
(i may be looking at my cupboard shelf by shelf as i write this)
  • Go through mountain of clothes - decide which t-shirts are still viable running tops, and what are too hideous to be worn out, even whilst jogging.
  • Buy more shoes.
  • Sort out the photos on my laptop.
    • Get photoshop.
  • knit.
yes, that isn't a typo   let's rephrase, shall we? .... that is not a typo
 I like to knit. Really, i should have done it more before exams - knitting, i find, is one of the best stress relievers, because it keeps my hands busy, and when i need to use my hands for somewhat complex tasks, I can't talk, or think, simultaneously. I'm rather uni-task limited like that. But it does help for the stress.
My lovely boyfriend appeared in my room last week smiling proudly. "I got you a present. See?" he said as he held out this little wobbly metal thing that you move around and it makes different shapes. "It's for when youre about to have an anxiety freakout and stuff." It can hold things, or look like a flower, or be a (rather large) bracelet. Either way, I took it into my exam (which I'm thinking I did rather well on) and sat there playing with it as the lady read out the usual formalities about mobile phones, cheating, and when we can leave our seats.

I'm missing the heat. We've had a couple of days with rain and general ick, and it's put me in a somewhat crappy mood. Admittedly I'm still going to go for a run tomorrow morning if it's raining like that, though the BoM says it's going to be 21 and relatively decent in beautiful Adelaide.
Step it up a notch, to 27, and we have a deal, atmosphere.

Tuesday, 23 November 2010

Final days of 2010 uni

So, I'm procrastinating. It's my last exam of the year, it's 3pm (I've been studying on and off since 10 this morning), and I'm putting off reading about the endocrine system because my notes are so bad on the topic that it makes my head hurt just trying to decipher them.
Am getting somewhat worried about said exam, because all the practice ones i'm getting an average of 6/10 for. That's not good. I'm on track for an HD, and getting 60 in the exam will ruin everything. Sadface.

On the upside I did happen to get an HD for psych. That made me smile - I put so much effort into that essay in the last week before it's due date............. started and finished and everything =P
I kid, I kid. But seriously, I really do love uni. I love the evenings spent at the library writing up assignments, because the place just oozes academia and motivation, and even procrastinating in there is productive!

Here in my room, however, does not. hence resisting the urge to put on a stargate and do the ironing (which, to be fair, DOES have to be done before tomorrow morning...... along with the vacuuming and general duties that befit 3 siblings with an obligation to have the house clean before the parentals return from Bali at 9am tomorrow)
Here's hoping it was a good trip and i'm not going to get yelled at or.... something.......
I don't know.

I'm kinda hanging out to clean my room, which i can do after i get home from my exam tomorrow -- it means not having stuff EVERYWHERE. ive managed to spill a cup of cold tea onto my woolen carpet.... again. /note to self - stop keeping caffeine in here/
as well as clear out and sort all the papers etc in here. It's a nice braindump exercise to do to really get into holiday mode.

Can't wait for next year's uni though -- ill be properly organised and such, what with knowing how things work and when and where and why etc etc. That's been my biggest downfall - not having what i need where and when i need it, and so the whole thing goes down the toilet.
Mind you, my timetable is so all over the place next year that there's plenty of room for noting and such to keep on top of.

and it's what... 32 outside?
but no pool. this fact alone is rather sobering. that's okay -- the beach works well too.
i miss surfing. a friend and i are going in the next week i think, which should be nice :)

anywho, back to it, i suppose.
later gator

Wednesday, 17 November 2010

Walks vs notes

It's been a truly beautiful day, and I've been meaning to go on a walk (truly, exercise is the ultimate procrastination technique - you're doing something good whilst also being bad. it's fabulous)
But the 'No, you MUST finish this' voice in my head is getting stronger as i get older, and as such has kept me inside, where my lov blood pressure has my feet so cold i may as well be in Europe in winter, in the snow, without shoes.
I'm THAT cold.

And so, now i've managed to finish noting genetics and neoplasia (which loosley translates to Cancer), and i only have Pathophysiology to go -- which shouldnt be too bad cause a lot of it is just definitions. but that which isn't, is f*****g complicated. too many slides-covered-in-text for me to record in my trusty Human Body 2 notebook.

128 pages and it's gonna be full once this topic is done. and theres a 24 page thing on the first two topics.... and almost all of it is handwritten. Goodness i feel proud over that. The only other subject that ever got me writing like that was Maths. and that was in year 11.
Uni's a bluge like that, because it isnt crucial that you write it down in your own words etc etc. cause you have the printed notes there in front of you. but at the same time....... i remember this stuff, i'm getting an HD in this stuff, because I write it all down, and thus remember it. =D

I really should go on that walk, but i cant be bothered. wtf's wrong with me.... i love walking. i love the walk i'm gonna go on, and the sun is out, and warm. No running, mind you -- will aggrivate the shin splints i've acquired from work. /sigh/

Now, the crucial question: to take the dog, or not.........

Friday, 12 November 2010

i love finding new things to read, especially new blogs.
through blogs, i can see the inner-working of other people, the way they think, feel, do.
it's always reassuring to find people in the same situations as myself. it gives time to reflect on how i go about things.
new follower today. as i do everyone new, read her blog(s). and have decided this is once such individual worth a regular read of.

there are a few people i used to read regularly that have since dropped off the radar, or officially ended their blogging careers .... (is it embarrassing that i've gone to give you a link to a really good parenting blog i read, thinking they'd packed up like they said they did.... only to see they've been posting once a week since then?!)

... the fire station's alarm is going off. something's up. its 1.30 and raining. i dont think it's a drill.
/waits for it to go off again/
....... silence.

when its really quiet at night, i can hear the train boom gates dinging from 400m away. it makes me smile. not sure why, but that same track is at the back of my house.
trains - freight trains- are a source of comfort to me, having grown up with them. and while my friends would wake up if a particularly monstrous one flew past, i snoozed straight through it. still do.
just like i snooze through the rain.
motorbikes, however, are not so much fun, and on many occasions have contemplated taking aim at the tyres with a BB gun or something.


with the rain comes a sense of blergh.

... theres a perfectly normal english sentence for you.

No, what i mean is this:
the rain, combined with a crappy end to yesterday evening, combined to a plethora of conflicting feelings, AND being home alone until 5 or 6, makes for an immensley unhappy Olivia.
The only things i have to look forward to is noting my Psych lectures (actually looking nicely on this task for once) and an episode of stargate while cleaning out my folders etc.
University: the bane of my bedroom's cleanliness.

I know the rain is good for the plants and such, but it's just GLOOMY out there. *cue pokemon*
And miserable and depressing and a whole spade of tautological words such as those.

I want to call someone but can't due to the simple reason of them not having their phone on them whilst at work, and who will no doubt ignore my message(s) while they're on lunch break.

Thursday, 11 November 2010

New Beginnings

Yes, I am well aware i have said this several times this year, but looking at the scales, and then at the mirror, still causes me some angst.
It's 31 today. Hottest day since the start of the year. And despite the many vocal protests from my boyfriend that this statement isn't true, it is: I'm overweight.
Plan is to go swimming at my local pool at least once a week, walk several times a week, and .... yep, that should about do it.
Only need to lose 4 kg. And i actually enjoy exercise, i've just been so crazy with everything else, it got shoved to the sidelines along with my bedroom, which was beginning to resemble a bombsite until yesterday.
Had a massage, and went to the chiro. I have shin splints. And being told 'drink lots of water' ... i don't need to be told twice. The migrane from last night was enough to kick me into action. So. Less coffee, more water, and get out there and do something.

There's always too many excuses. This is the end of those. In the end, lies a new beginning.

Wednesday, 10 November 2010

Tangent to tangent

I've jumped from 19 to 23 followers in 3 days. Considering the same jump took 6 months last time, I feel this is rather an achievement considering I've barely posted in comparison to how much i used to write.

I've decided i'm going to redraft some of my older works, as in, from year 10 and 11 at school. My memory of them is that theyre brilliant. I found them the other day, read them, and went..... yeah these need work. They're a 20 standard..... at year 10 level. Not almost-second-year-uni level. So. that is on the list of things to do over the 4 months of holidays looming after the 24th. Yippee :D

Also on the list is making hair scrunchies and going op-shopping with my sister. While the former is a new addition to The List, the shopping is about 7 months overdue. Our life schedules are so mismatched, it's hard to make time to actually hang out, what with school ande me working all weekend when she has time. Urgh.

After hearing the antics of someone my boyfriend knows, it made me believe that people, mainly men, should have their reproductive rights removed if they procreate and piss off without seeing it through. Mainly men, i'm talking about here, but hey, lets not be too exclusive of women... though it does seem to be somewhat more difficult for a woman to leave a pregnant man than it is for a man to leave a pregnant woman. /raises eyebrow/

It disgusts me. And the particular situation, which I won't outline here, though I would like to because it makes him look like the no-good dirty rotten dog fuck that he is. Sorry, had to put a bad word in there somewhere. Wasn't gonna use the C word (that, like him, is dirty and should never be applied to anything in life).
Now, I'm not referring to putting kiddlings up for adoption. In certain circumstances, that is the best opportunity a child can have at that time in their brand-new lives. But I mean nicking off before theyre born.

My boy's mum got that treatment. That makes me everso sad, knowing. Then meeting his old man and he was actually a decent guy when we were there. But I reckon thats cause karma didnt just bite him on the arse, IT CHEWED IT OFF and spat it back in his face.

But then, if you smoke, thats the equivalent of dousing yourself in petrol and daring someone to strike a match on your arm. It's just a dumbarse thing to do.
Which  brings me to a rather entertaining tangent. The Darwin Awards are awarded to people every year for their contribution in bettering the human gene pool...... by removing themselves from it.
One woman, who worked at a childcare centre, got headlice from one of the little tackers. To kill them (the lice, not the kids), she doused her head in gasoline, put it in a towel, and let it marinate for 30 mins thereabouts. Anyone seeing anything wrong with this picture before I conclude this little morality story? Mmmmm yes, petrol. On my head. CAUSE THATS A GREAT IDEA....... Anyway... Before she washed it off, she went out for a smoke, still complaining about the kids giving her lice.
I'll let you sit on that little image for a moment...... gas vapours........ zippo lighter.....
Barbequed Idiot, anyone?

The world is full of idiots, fucking things up.
But without them, we wouldn't have anyone to laugh at, or get angry at, and the world would somehow collapse without their idiocy to hold it up like the gum and rubber bands on the plumbing joins.
I sit here sometimes and wonder how things could be made better.
I was brought up to believe that no matter what i chose to do, i would be great at is. Parental cliche? Maybe. But it meant i grew up with a purpose. All through my life i've been a helper in some way, some how. Now, the rest of my life is dedicated to helping people. In exactly what way, i'm not sure. I might end up in child services. I might end up following my boyfriend to Mt Gambier (which for those how don't know, is 5 hours south of SA's capital, 4.5 houts southeast of my home, and very, very different to the city) and doing work with mental illness and the farmers. I might open my own practice.
Whatever it is, i want to make a significant difference. I want to make the generation that my kids will grow up in, better than the one i am from, the one where people are freaking out about money, and refugees and infrastructure, and gang warfare. Where people are uneducated, and ignorant, and prejuduces pervade our society to a level so deep, most people don't even know it exists!!!!!!
(see my post about Whiteness. That class opened my eyes so wide i'll never shut them again)

I'll write again soon. Tomorrow probably, in a lame attempt at procrastination. But right nowI have a headache, partly from my migrane, partly from all the things I need to write about. My friend started a blog for the same reasons i did, and while mine is 2 years older (nearly 3 =] ) The reasons I write today haven't really changed. Life just got in the way.
No longer, my literary friends, no longer.

Tuesday, 2 November 2010

A fast note to state the obvious: it's cold and raining outside, yet i still manage to come to uni in sandals, linen pants and a singlet. Something's wrong with me. Mind you, if id known, i'd have worn trakkies.

Last week of uni. I have 2 days, and 2 asssignments and 2 exams. that's a lot of 2's. either way. Things are in a weird state of chaotic bliss. Thing's are good. Including discovering a brand of soy milk that's actually DECENT!!! (i dont like soy, but its about time i started drinking it - the milks beginning to make me feel sick.) Pretty good with chai in it :)

Now, getting that bit out of the way, I have an observation to make.....

I think compensating for insecurities can be extremely funny for the onlooker witnessing it. One must find humour in everything, elsewise it would become a matter of wanting to kill someone out of frustration. It just takes a deep breath and a mental 'i am better than that' reaffirmation.
But still, when did it become so important to hide the squishier side of us? The part that's been hurt, or walked on, or is threatened by this.
How does the brain get to the point of reasoning whereby doing the total opposite - ie, being a rather spiney, aggression-orientated individual -- is clearly the best option from that point of view?
I know, and have known, people like this. It makes me pity them for being so adamant this is the okay way to go.
A friend of mine, when he was unsure about meeting a group of people, he'd puff out his chest and be extra social, just ... suck it up til he figured them out.
I'm the opposite - I'm shy, and appear standoffish unless someone else starts a conversation.
I'm a believer of insecurities: I believe they can rule someone's personality if they remain unchecked. They're a powerful force.

But then, some people are proud of being disliked. Like it's some kind of...... achievement.
I figure it's more worthwhile to try get along with someone, at the very least, be nice. Mind you, being a bitch doesn't come easily to me. it takes several things combined for me to release the inner Cat. but hey, something tells me that time is coming sooner than anticipated. Have had enough of being belittled and undermined, even when I'm right, and just plain rudeness. I don't look forward to the consequences.
Wish me luck.

Thursday, 21 October 2010

my friend once asked me what kind of relationship i wanted. i told him i wanted someone that i could tell anything, that i knew i could get a cuddle from when i needed it, who would hug me anyway when i was really upset or annoyed, who'd tell me when my behaviour wasn't okay, that i could spend time with just living as we do, that wouldn't give up on me, even when i was ready to give up on myself.

he replied 'so, basically, you want someone that'll love you even when youre a nightmare to be around'
'well...... yes'
'good luck with that. i don't think anyone would do that. i certainly wont.'

i have this weird habit of asking the universe for things, and they happen. i have a bean bag, for instance, because i said to mum as i walked into the netball presentation (and the beanbag was the door prize) 'mum, i'd really like to win that' .... and i did.
'i want to get into the honours stream of psych'. i did (albeit not at the uni i preferred but hey, i love unisa atm :)
'i want to go out with so-and-so' ... and i do.... it usually doesnt last for a while, but it happens.
'i would really love more shifts' -- and sure enough, someone gets sick at the hahndorf branch and i get to fill in for three shifts, earning me 400 for the week.
'i'd love a car'.... cue mazda3
'please let it snow' -- 1 of the only 2 times its ever snowed at my house.

'i'd hope that my friend comes out alive and better from her brain surgery'  ... :)
'i hope that the friends i meet at uni are closer than some of my others are' -- :)

'i don't care what happens afterwards, but i wait for the day that they break up' (noone likes hearing how perfect the-girl-after is and how perfect you're NOT) .... aaaaaand they did... 2 days later.

it's like i have the ear of the universe. it's beautiful. because even that boy i was telling my friend about.... he exists. even when we fight, and we get upset at eachother, it's still in his eyes.

dear universe, i would really really like to keep this boy. please help me to better my attitude so that this may be so.
kind regards,

Monday, 18 October 2010

Day 01 → Your current relationship, if single discuss how single life is.

I've seen a list on a friends Tumblr site that got me thinking. So, naturally, I ripped it off, and am now going to complete it. :)

Day 1.
I've been dating a 19 year-old by the name of Brodie for nearly four months (exactly 4 months this coming Saturday, but hey, who's counting?). I adore him, even though he drives me crazy sometimes. I have no doubt it's the same way back. He's one of the best people I know, and I'm proud to call him mine. Even when he's mucking around. Sometimes it's hard, really hard, and I think that I might want to get out. But then there are moments, like today, when I've had to come to terms with some rather unpleasant events, that he races to my side, even when I say it isn't totally necessary, and the look in his eyes makes me want to keep him forever. And it's those that I remember when I'm in my dark twisty place.
It's taken me a while to get to here. I still have trust issues, but theyre getting better as time goes on.
I don't want anyone but him. Thats how far i've come.

Friday, 15 October 2010

You know you need to change something when your body starts having allergic reactions to life......
Off on the running circuit I go, I guess.

Sunday, 10 October 2010

i love my dog, because whenever someone's sick, or really sad, she knows, she understands, and she refuses to leave their side.


Every so often, I have these dreams that torment me until I wake, and leave me trembling in my boyfriend's arms because they shake me so.......

I’m pulling up to his house. It’s just another day. It’s sunny, and I’m feeling pretty good. Haven’t seen him in a while, and so I’m particularly chirpy. Pull into the neighbour’s driveway, just like every other time before that, noticing the white car in his drive – one I don’t recognise. I shrug. Probably has a friend over, he didn’t know exactly what time I’d turn up today. I can hear his music from the front door, so I let myself in with the key his mum’s given me a week before. I shake my head, early Dance Gavin Dance, beats through the air. I call out at the door, not expecting a reply. Pat a greeting to the Chihuahua, then walk past the boxes in the hall.  His door’s shut. Unusual, considering he’s home alone, but I think nothing of it. Knock once, briefly, then open the door. He’s not at his computer there’s a movie paused on the screen, and a distinctly female groan comes from the bed. I freeze, horror rising like bile in my throat.

I take a step forward, look at the bed, only to see a girl shrink under the covers, and he jumps up – I startled him, apparently. He starts to talk. I just look at him, stop him talking with a raise of my hand, and walk out. I can’t hear, I can barely see. I walk out to my car, a lot calmer than I thought  I would be. I know it will hit later. He chases me out to the car, still pulling up his jeans, calling my name, ‘Liv. Liv. Liv! Let me explain.’  Feeling his presence behind me, my blood boils, he repulses me, and I can’t be near him. I turn around and slap him. Hard. I’m still wearing his ring, and the intricate design begins to shine red on his cheekbone. I push him in the chest, getting him away from me. 

He begins with his excuses, his words blurring together as I shoulder my way past him to the driver’s side door, get in, and lock myself in. I sit there for thirty seconds, him knocking on my window, focussing on my breathing. In, out. In, out. I have two options, I choose the one that feels better. I get out of my car again, this time, anger, not shock, pumping through me.

‘Who is she? Huh?’ He replies, but I don’t hear. I storm back into the house, where she’s getting her clothes together. ‘Whore’ I spit at her, and slap her hard in the face, this time with both rings on the one hand. That felt surprisingly good. I stalk back to my car, to him; I pause, and look at him, the hurt beginning to pierce through the adrenaline. I look at him with sad, betrayed, broken eyes, and all I can say is ‘How could you! I love you with everything I am, everything I have, why should I listen to you now? How could you do this to me?’
He has no answer. Finally, the boy of a million words, has nothing to say. I get in my car, rev the engine, and leave behind me any chance of a future, a family, or ever trusting anyone again.

It doesn't take much to get me into a downward spiral, and the emotional wreckage that remains of me, shatter's my attention, leading me to choose to take the corner fast. Too fast. I feel the car tip. I'm scared, but at the same time, I don't care what happens, as i spin on my roof  into oncoming traffic. 
My eyes meet the driver's. I see the fear as the commodore hits me.
And I jolt awake.
They say you can't dream your own moment of death. You always wake up before you die, or you are already dead, and a ghost. When I dream, I dream of dying. Over, and over again.

Thursday, 7 October 2010

Teenage Dream

I think it's safe to say, my life is more or less a Katy Perry song........

You think I'm pretty
Without any make-up on
You think I'm funny
When I tell the puch line wrong
I know you get me
So I'll let my walls come down, down

Before you met me
I was a wreck
But things were kinda heavy
You brought me to life
Now every February
You'll be my valentine, valentine

Let's go all the way tonight
No regrets, just love
We can dance until we die
You and I
We'll be young forever

You make me
Feel like
I'm living a Teenage Dream
The way you turn me on
I can't sleep
Let's runaway
And don't ever look back
Don't ever look back

My heart stops
When you look at me
Just one touch
Now baby I believe
This is real
So take a chance
And don't ever look back
Don't ever look back

We drove to Cali
And got drunk on the beach
Got a motel and
Built a fort out of sheets
I finally found you
My missing puzzle piece
I'm complete

Let's go all the way tonight
Katy Perry Teenage Dream lyrics found on
No regrets, just love
We can dance until we die
You and I
We'll be young forever

You make me
Feel like
I'm living a Teenage Dream
The way you turn me on
I can't sleep
Let's runaway
And don't ever look back
Don't ever look back

My heart stops
When you look at me
Just one touch
Now baby I believe
This is real
So take a chance
And don't ever look back
Don't ever look back

I might get your heart racing
In my skin-tight jeans
Be your teenage dream tonight

Let you put your hands on me
In my skin-tight jeans
Be your teenage dream tonight

You make me
Feel like
I'm living a Teenage Dream
The way you turn me on
I can't sleep
Let's runaway
And don't ever look back
Don't ever look back

My heart stops
When you look at me
Just one touch
Now baby I believe
This is real
So take a chance
And don't ever look back
Don't ever look back

Wednesday, 22 September 2010

Growing up

So, its official: people I went to primary school with are having kids. I even sat there on the page for several minutes just in case they'd been hacked and it was a prank.
I hear people in their early twenties saying that, and how weird it is. Now I understand. Just wait til my friends start making babies. Talk about bizarre.
What happened to playing in the backyard, mucking around with friends, nights watching movies, or going out?
When did starting a family come into the equation?

Not on my list of things to do in the near future, put it that way.
Thats like.......
/mind implodes/

I think I'd make a great mum-to-be.............. just not right now.
Everyone's like 'yeah, ill have a kid or two'. I sat there and thought about logistics, just for the hell of it. School, food, diapers, furniture, clothes..... they're money munchers. Something tells me that $145 a week after debts taken out wont fulfill that......

Tuesday, 21 September 2010

I wonder what it feels like to be dead?

Friday, 17 September 2010


It’s like a bubbling heat
And it won’t go away.
It rises higher and higher,
Until I can’t bear it anymore,
And I get up and move away,
Trying desperately to shake it off.
But it won’t.
And like those before me,
Try though I might,
Determined to not unleash hell,
I do.
And he stands in the firing range,
An easy target,
A forgiving one,
One that says
‘that’s alright,
I love you anyway,
Even when you’re mad;
Even when you’re mad at me.’
And in a split second of clarity I go
So this is what it’s like
To have someone really love you.
When you're at your ugliest,
they still go
'i think youre so pretty'.
Maybe it’s time I stopped taking advantage
And gave back as good as I get it.
Cause that’s what you deserve.
Even when you drive me crazy
Up the wall, tear-my-hair-out frustration
At the things you say or do,
It’s still there in your eyes.
I see it.
It scares me.
And it makes me stick around for more.
Cause in fits and starts,
Even when I’m mad.
You’re it; you’re you; and you’re mine.
And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Saturday, 11 September 2010

he's the smile i look for first when i try to be funny,
even if it's just a smile of  'you are such a loser..... but it's cute that you try'

he's the one i can be a nerd with, and talk about computers, games, or sci-fi, and i'm cool.
he's the one i look pretty for when i get dressed up, even though i know he thinks i'm beautiful in just my socks and underwear.
he's the arms that hold me when i wake, crying, from a nightmare.
and he's the one i most look forward to seeing when i wake up,
and my favourite chest to fall asleep on.
he's the one i fight with over how to do the dishes
and whether or not i need a wake up call from mum for work on the weekend.
he's the hand that i hold in front of his mates
and the voice that says 'i love you' on the phone
his is the body warmth i prefer over a blanket,
and even when i'm all alone, and feel like everything is falling apart,
all i have to do is look at my phone,
and his is the face that looks back; his is the message that says 'i'm here for you. i love you, i'm just a call away'
but really, it isn't even that. just a whisper, or a thought, or a smell, or a word, and he's there.
my rock through it all.
he is mine.
and i am his.
and that makes me smile.

Sunday, 5 September 2010

We Exist.

It's sunny, and I'm running. All I can feel is the thump, thump, thump of my heels, until I pick up speed and surge ahead as fast as my legs will carry me over the wet sand by the sea. Inhale, Exhale. Over and over, hearing my breath, and losing it in the hiss of the waves. My lungs burn, and are refreshed in turn. I smile, then grin ear to ear, and begin to laugh, breathless noise at first. I'm winning. The sun's reflecting off the water and sand, and it's as though I'm running on light. It's surreal.
My chest feels like it's going to burst. From running or from this incredible bubble of happiness, I don't know. There's a call from behind me, and suddenly a streak of boy flies past, makes up a 20m lead, then whirls around in one jump, spreading his arms wide, as though he's waiting to catch me.
So I jump.
And there's sand in my hair, and face, and up my arms, as we hit the ground. I'm breathless, but I can't breathe for laughing. We don't get up - there's no need. We just lay there, catching out breath, in the damp sand, as the water threatens to swallow us. I shut my eyes and the sun warms my eyelids. It's hard not to think it's all a dream.
But he's real. And I'm real, and the water at out feet is cold.
We Exist.

I'm Not Afraid

I love this song, though, I'm not sure why, but if I listen, really listen, it makes me cry. 
I have such respect for Eminem. I haven't read his biography, but there's such a change in his music, you can tell he's growing up. You can tell he loves his daughter so much. You hear what he's been through, and how fame has impacted on his life.
People love him, because they can relate.
Because he's a form of raw expression....

...It's been a ride. I guess I had to go to that place, to get to this one. now some of you might still be in that place, and youre trying to get out. Just follow me, I'll get you out....

With clever word choice, he shows genius while at the same time talking about sex, or poverty, or fame, or experience. It's fast, smart, and scathing.

8Mile changed my perceptions, and that's when I really started listening to what he was saying.

I just can't keep living this way, so starting today I'm breaking out of this cage

And yes, I am aware i'm quoting the wrong song. I'm listening to that one right now.

Love the way you lie....... I can identify with. because i'm like that. I feel in the same way they do, the people he talks about. Difference is, I don't hit. Not on purpose. But I understand.

Wednesday, 1 September 2010

Spring has sprung, but not very well.

There's a pile of clothes in the basket that's reaching my thigh, a desk that i cannot see for all the papers, homework to be done, and if i'm in the right mood, exercise to be had. So, like any normal person, I'm going to do the sensible thing: ignore it all, and write.

It's september 1 (who'd've thunk?!) and therefore, first day of spring for those of us in the Southern Hemisphere.
Last year, this day came forth like a bull from the gate (?) and it was hot. Not just warm and sunny - it was hot. And sunny. And I was at school.
Clearly, things have changed.
Today looks like the countryside's just flipped the bird to everyone, rolled over, and gone back to sleep. It's not ready for the frolicking nature of spring.
Had a nice taste of it on the weekend though - so much so that I ended up bounding up to B's after work and demanding we go the the park or... something, at least, because big night or not, it was a beautiful day. With unseasonally good weather come's my hyperactivity, so....... I'm best compared to an overexcited puppy you've just informed it's going on a walk. That's me in the sunshine.
I photosynthesise and everything goes into overdrive. Especially talking. =]

Nice weather is a magnet for bad drivers, and cyclists.

I have no issue with cyclists - I understand their need to pedal up stupidly difficult roads, and travel crazy distances, only to turn around and do the same thing back home, or to the car. Well, no, I don't understand it, but I do respect them for it. Driving Greenhill and Old Norton Summit roads is enough, let alone taking a bike up them. That's commitment to a sport, I tell you!

Bad drivers, on the other hand, I have a HUGE issue with. Specifically slow drivers. I blame the old people. Doing 40 in an 80 zone, where there is no overtaking place for ages, and you're not the first one behing said Mr Slow and his wife, so you cant overtake at that point anyway cause you don't have enough accelleration to shoot off before someone comes around the corner and kills you...... *sigh*
Mind you, the weather was so nice I didn't mind as much as if it'd been like it is today: cloudy and miserable. And I'm almost considering turning my bedroom light on just so theres some kind of yellow.... oh wait, I have a white fluro. Dammit. Now when I turn it on it'll look like a supermarket in here.
Aaaaaaand CUE FOOD !!!

...... No. Alas not.

I really cannot wait for summer. Or, rather, warm/hot weather. Everything's more bearable when it's warm and sunny. Even with the mozzies and flies. -_____-

On a final note..... the Independant from Qld sounds like a fruitcake. Maybe that's just the media editing, but good grief!!! I'm concerned.
Not as concerned, however, as I am at the prospect of Sarah Palin running USA. Now THAT is a scary thought.

Monday, 30 August 2010

Is it weird that it still pisses me off to see a picture of my ex's new girlfriend on facebook?

I mean, it makes no difference to my life whatsoever what, or who, he's doing.
And I'm the happiest and most stable I've ever been in a relationship right now. I've killed the 2-month curse and frankly, he's amazing with how tolerant he is of my increasingly-frequent displays of raw emotion, be it good, bad or somewhere inbetween, and I love him for that....... But there's still that little voice that whispers in my ear, saying 'you weren't good enough for the last one, and she's the better version of you'.
I still tell it to nick off, but it pokes its way through my self worth and niggles at me every now and again.

Thursday, 26 August 2010

Some days I look up at the sky and even if I can't see for all the clouds, I get a sense of wonder: who am I in the grand scheme of things? Am I just another life, to be born, live and die; or am I meant for something more?

Friday, 20 August 2010

if i could go back, i'd do things differently.
i'd remember not to get so involved in the dramas of my friends,
and not to take mean words so much to heart.
i'd relax a bit more,
and listen to mum when she gave advice
because as much as i don't like to admit it -
she was right.
i'd try just that little bit harder in school,
but only because it means less time wasting time in front of the computer.
i'd have been friendlier to people i didnt know,
and made more friends.
but i'd only re-do some things,
because if it was all different,
i would be different,
because they created me,
and i like the person i am.

Wednesday, 18 August 2010


Allow me, please, to have a little gripe about something i've noticed.
It takes a special kind of person to 'love' (in whatever way you wish to take that) someone that is 5 or 6 years their junior. Now, while that sounds a little unfair, put this into perspective:

If a 24 year-old and a 30 year-old were together, sure, that sounds reasonable. you put the ratio a little earlier and things start to sound a bit odd ..... a 20 year old and a 15 year old?
I smell a rat. The rat of illegality.
To me, that's just...... not right. Emotions or not. In that equation, I see a vulnerable, naive, hormone driven teenager, and a grown up with the ability to manipulate, use and ultimately hurt.
do you think he'd think about it like that? That he'd remember the age gap? That he'd think it was odd there was a child after him? Is he immature, and they're actually a good mental match? I don't know.
But what I do wonder is if that attraction - to young teenage girls - remains even in older life. Is this where that infatuation in porn comes with 18 year-olds? Because they're still teenagers, but legal?

What's wrong to sticking to people your own age, at least partly?

Wednesday, 4 August 2010


I have a thing about whiteboards.
They excite me like nothing else, sometimes.

When I was in year 12, the study room had 6 computers one the far wall, a big block of tables put togather to make the Megatron of all tables, and a whiteboard next to the door, one of those 3 or 4m long ones.
It was my baby. I looked after the stuff on there all year, cleaned it, kept it neat.
There was a section with all the subjects people were doing, and all the assignments due for it which was meticulously re-written to keep neat and tidy, a section for drawing and random crap, which towards the end of the year, began to take up more and more space. I remember coming in and the little person someone had drawn had steadily been added on to by someone or other, until it took up 2/3 of the whole board.
If they ever find out i was the one who rubbed it off so i could do Legal Studies revision, I think they'd kill me. Should have taken a photo...

Despite being left handed, turns out my writing is actually neater when i use my right hand on the board...... go figure.


I discovered, to my dismay, that only one of the library study rooms has a real whiteboard in it. SmartBoards are the bomb now, apparently.
So, having booked this solo whiteboard-wielding room, armed with my own set of markers, i went in there to learn about parts of the nerve, brain, and other things from psychology. I ended up bouncing around the room, firing pretend lasers at the board, announcing, rather loudly 'take THAT, knowledge!!'
my friend and her sister just watched me incredulously.

Such is the life of an overexcitable uni student with whiteboard markers.

Cherries? In Winter?

I think YES!



Tuesday, 20 July 2010

This is What You Are to Me

Third finger.

Silver, and black in places,
where the cuts are too deep
to let light penetrate entirely.
It's shiny, just like the original posessor
and a little to big to sit where it does,
but the mere glimpse of stainless steel,
cut through with a laser,
so that the engravings may be mistaken for words,
brings a smile, and a small exhale of a laugh,
knowing where it came from,
who it came from.
Whether intended or not,
it marks a bond stronger than those prior to it
could ever make,
and this in turn makes it,
the best thing ever owned.

A note to the smartarse roadrunners

Dear pedestrians,
As much as I applaud you for choosing to walk rather than take public transport or drive, I should like to kindly request that you observe the road rules.
'There are rules for pedestrians?' I hear you ask. Why yes, there are, and they're clearly marked with little red and green men.
Technically speaking, if the little man is red, not flashing, just solid red, I'm pretty sure i don't have to give way to you, seeing as red in western society, when seen on signs, means stop, also interpreted as DONT EVEN THINK ABOUT IT BUDDY.
On many occasions i have had to brake, sometimes with more force than should be necessary at 10km/h, to avoid from hitting some smartarse that's decided they can make a run for it through a small break in traffic. It isnt that i dont want to hit you, its that its such an inconvenience afterwards if i do, what with the blood and body and police and jail and stuff.
It would seem that common sense is used so infrequently, it's becoming a superpower. So why don't you behave like a superhero and use it against the evils of idiocy.

Annoyed motorist that is forced to embarrassingly stall her car to prevent manslaughter.

Sunday, 18 July 2010

1. Driving

As I have written about it several times *before*, you’d probably realise that driving is both a great love, and a great fear of mine. After a solo crash in April, I’ve not sat in the car the same way. Admittedly, I am slowly beginning to revert to old habits (each of which I get a good scolding for from those that know I can lose my license for texting.) however, I've always been pretty empathetic towards accident sites: driving past a serious collision on cross roads one evening, while on my L’s left me shaking, inside and out, because there was the driver lain out on the concrete median strip, with a bystander screaming, and people rushing about around her. Coming back the other way 20 mins later had flashing lights, paramedics and the police diverting traffic.
The other day, there was a collision on Bridge and Grand Junction roads, in the rain, and in terrible light, and I bet anything someone took the corner when they shouldn’t have, or ran a red light.
Last night, another accident on Bridge Rd, a similar thing, but much more obvious, in the middle of the intersection, with radiator fluid everywhere, air bags popped and people sprinting all over the place and multiplying by the minute. Driving past it in an already agitated state was enough, I shut everything down emotionally, until the ambulance shot by, lights and sirens slashing through the usually busy-but-calm evening traffic.
And I lost it. Really, I should have pulled over, freaked out, and then kept driving once calm, but goodness knows I feel that much safer at my destination than in my car at the moment, plus, stopping randomly in Salisbury isn’t a good idea at the best of times.
I guess I hadn’t really dealt with the fact that I could, or perhaps should, have died when I had mine. And it made $7500 worth of damage, and left nothing too worse for wear, bar a minor 3 day headache. But I could have died. And suddenly that scares me. It never had before, not really.
I guess total exhaustion doesn’t help with the mental attitude, but I'm at the point of being scared, all the time, because the bad things that could happen, could ruin me and my life, while leaving me to adjust from 18 years of normality to something else entirely. A friend was beaten up, totally unprovoked, in town. He could lose the sight in one eye. He’s 18, and supposed to be a snowboard instructor right now, but some fucktard went and bashed him over the head with a chair.
Two incidents of carjacking in areas near where I exist a lot these days have me locking my car as soon as I get inside, and as soon as I get out, regardless of where I am and who remains in the car.
And at the same time, it’s all I can do not to speed, to race Brodie when we drive. I’m a hoon when I’m on my own, though only insofar as the speed limit permits.
And when I get these little anxiety ambushes on my psyche, all I want to do is run, scream and hit something and cry. I can kinda do the verbal ones, but I have to wait til Tuesday before I can hit something.
Ordinarily I frown upon violence, and/or fighting, but I admit, it was great to watch the sparring at the kickboxing dojo the other week. I guess because there’s no malicious intent behind the blows..... And it just gets funny to watch someone have their backside handed to them by someone shorter than I am. So, I am greatly looking forward to learning myself XD
Possibly will write an update on the uncoordidness of Olivia when I return from said lesson :) until then,


Monday, 12 July 2010

When I drive at night, because of the routes I take, I'm more often than not the only car on the road in either direction, and it's so cold when the sun goes down, that fog begins to settle, and the asphalt steams, almost like its too hot to touch.The fog is gathered together, so it's denser in some areas than others, and driving through it looks like hitting a solid wall, but without the crunch of impact, and you may as well drive without headlights because they bounce off the fog so well, making it just about impossible to see past the nose of the car.
It really is a beautiful, albeit eerie, sight.


Talking to a friends parents is always an arduous task, as, it would seem, the novelty of taking a stab at where I live has not yet worn off after 6 years. Fact: I love my house, my land, my town - small as it is- and even though the commute can be annoying, i wouldnt trade it in for the world.
Only thing that stopped them in their tracks was mentioning (albeit a possible lie) that the land value has tripled. So SUCK ON THAT!! asshole.
I really hate it when people make comments about where i live, when that person isnt me. noone has any idea how much we put ourselves out so that living 27km away from the city isnt an inconvenience for anyone else. i mean, hell, i drive on average 500km a WEEK.
and am 600km overdue for a service. Guess where this weeks pay check is going.......   -__-
but i mean, its like.... if it was an inconvenience to go somewhere, i wouldnt. and i dont. thats why i love being on the magill campus for uni - its out of the way for everyone, but its closer than town for me :)
i have a nice house, a nice garden, and a nice nerghbourhood. so poo to you.


tomorrow will be interesting, catching up with some people i havent seen in months, one of them, years. Hes been in the UK and has just come back for a bit. this'll be very interesting indeed, cause he was always a bit of an unusual kid. hmmmmmmmm yay :)

Monday, 5 July 2010


I keep having this waking nightmare, every time I cross a road, or sit in my car, or hear tyres on the tarmac of the street

All I see is eyes widening in terror, and the world goes muffled, almost silent, like I have a cup pressed to my ear, but the wrong way round, and there's this rushing noise but I don't know where it comes from.
And I'm thrown forwards. Or is it backwards?
It looks like a scene from an anime - arms and legs stretched in the direction I'm being thrown from.
Except that my body is broken, torn in places,
The world goes black for a moment, and all I can hear is ragged breathing, slow, and irregular.
All that's visible is the sky, blue and perfect.
But take a mental step back and all there is is someone screaming, and a body sprawled horribly on the asphalt. My body.

Over, and over, and over again, the sense of terror of spinning out of control.

That I'm going to hit something, and fly through my windscreen even though I wear my seatbelt every time I'm in a car, driving or not.

When I sleep, i can't get across the road in time, I'm not fast enough, even when there's hardly any traffic. And I get hit, and I can't scream. I have no voice.

It's almost like I know this is how I'm going to die one day.

One day................

..............But not today.

Tuesday, 29 June 2010

According to my lecture notes on states of consiousness

"PET (positron emission tomography) scans show brain areas involved in colour reception active when hypnotised subjects are shown grey images but told theyre in colour:" 

 -- kinda brings a new perspective to the real vs fake debate of hypnotism, don't you think??

Three months

Just lke all the others, he's a little bt different. A different perspective, a different lifestyle, a different glint in those eyes.
And yet at the same time,things are the same, or better. No. Definitley better :) and I wonder if I've scored something truly worthwhile here. So I put a challenge to myself:
three months. Twelve weeks. And see if you can wrestle down the cold feet, coz something tells me this ones .... Well... something unique alltogether.

All my trust, and concern, and smiles, in this time....

He's the reason I'm so smiley all the time, and it's scary, but I'm not scared of the end, not in the slightest.
And, handcuffs or not, that makes all the difference.

Tuesday, 22 June 2010

Hot Air Balloon

it's new, and unknown,
and expands like hot air into our balloon,
causing it to rise,
and float above the world,
with only the winds to guide where we go.
The cloth colours change as we converse, suiting the mood
and the topic at hand.
And even when it rains,
We have an umbrella,
and blankets,
and duck down low, out of sight,
huddled together, warm and dry
as the storms rage elsewhere.
And when the rain subsides,
and sunlight filters through the cracks in the basket,
we can rise again, and bask in the light,
warm, happy, and seeing the world
from a different
of view.
“The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. … The good things don’t always soften the bad things, but vice versa, the bad things don’t necessarily spoil the good things or make them unimportant.”

There is a reason I love Doctor Who. That is it.

That quote right there, is why I live how I do, and how I manage to smile at the end of nearly every day.

Sunday, 20 June 2010

Things I've Learnt: Happiness

Happiness cannot, no matter how much it is desired, be sustained by depending on one person.
in the end, it only leads to heartache, pain, and a lost relationship, be that a lover, or a friend.
It certainly isnt made easier by those with a savior complex - they fuel the others need to be supplied with happiness, and my goodness it's draining.

Almost two years ago, I met a friend of mine, and I became his everything. For a while, he was mine, too. But I know that people are not the source of smiles - only ourself can do that. In the end, I had to do the worst, and snap that emotional crutch in half. He was shattered by it, absolutely devastated, and it killed me that I'd done it. But in time he grew to understand why I did it, and respects me for those reasons. He learned not to do the same to others as he had me.
I'm the saver.
I gravitate towards those that need other people.

And yet, even though we only really need to rely on ourselves, others are key in reminding us of the good times, and the bad, so we always appreciate what we have, who we are, and who we have around us.
It gets mighty lonely without people, and as social creatures, being around people we like, IS a key part of happiness....... but there's a difference.

Time and time again I see, hear, read things that only enforce the idea that happiness is an inner-self-construction. Every chapter in my counselling textbook - each on a different psychotherapeutic perspective, all say the same things - everything is from the inside.

In other words - we cannot rely on others to make us happy.

We are the key,
And the lock.
It all depends on whether we can work out how they fit together.

Thursday, 10 June 2010

Procrastination is the parent of creativity

Avoiding my homework, and revision, makes me want to write, to sing, and to knit.
It's beautifully warm in the living area courtesy of my mad fire-making skills, and fast beats jump out of my speakers - it's hard to concentrate.
Perhaps, I will finish this one assignment, and then write a beautiful something.........
and then you get to read it :)

Tuesday, 1 June 2010

coffee is truly and amazing thing. after having drunk one about....... almost an hour and a half ago, it's finally hit, and now my fingertips are buzzing and i cant sit still. this is NOT a good state to be in whilst attempting to do things in relation to study and assignments.
however, combine this with excitement of driving to murray bridge to see some friends, and you have yourself a very hyperactive olivia, sitting at the computer, giggling to herself about her own thoughts.
not the most reassuring sight for onlookers, i can tell you.
i'm getting kinda annoyed that i cant type faster because my brain is moving at a million miles an hour and i'm just like RKJGHAIUGHGBLWB about everything :)

the weather is miserable, and i'm still sitting on the edge of a precipice, staring down the urge to jump.
but then this happy little thought comes into my head, that it'll all be okay.
and this is largely due to the caffeine, but that's alright. because i'm happy in this state. and laughing.
and that makes everything better :)

Thursday, 27 May 2010

Typical Gemini

Why are horoscopes so appealing? Are they the same as the zodiac? Lets face it, if you worded every single horoscope in the paper differently, they could all be tailored to anyone, from any sign.
What about the zodiac? Is it a load of bull? It is a social construct, and works in the same way as parents talking about children: get told this is how you are, for long enough, or from sources you hold in high regard, and you will change your perceptions of yourself to match this.
Having said that - can there really only be 12 types of people?
I admit, I fit very closely into the Gemini scene from which I come from, and my ex boyfriend is very much a Virgo in the way he thinks, as is my sister a Leo.
We fit like gloves.
I was surprised to see an emphasised point from a Zodiac book my mother has just bought, saying "in every Gemini there is a Dr Jekyll and a Mr Hyde."
I did a double take because this is how I describe myself to people: two-faced in the sense that I am two people (who each have a face). I just switch between, or exist as both. This was how I tried to explain myself to my ex, when voicing why I do what I do. Truth be told, I do what I do, because I do it. In my head there is rarely a conscious reasoning pattern, and I have to dig deep to find it. There is always method to my madness. It's just hard to see, even for me sometimes.
Every time I settle down emotionally, I HAVE to do something to stir things up, and wreck it all. Just like a typical Gemini.
Oh, I feel just as strongly about people and things, as others. I just prefer to keep my thought process to myself. Not good for the queen of communication.

After all the learning I've done into social constructs: who speaks for whom and from where do they speak (Michel Foucault), I believed that the Zodiac was just another method for catergorising, stereotyping, people. After reading that book for a few minutes....... I'm not so sure.
Maybe next time I have to explain why I am to someone, I'll just show them Chapter 3: Gemini.

Friday, 21 May 2010


In the grand scheme of things, we're nothing, really. Our lifespan is but a grain in the sands of time. How do we not become overwhelmed with a sense of futility? Why live in the past, in memories?
Where is the purpose to living?
To be born, reproduce and die?
To make the world better for those that come after? - well, the past people did a fabulous job of that.
I understand why so many people feel hopeless.
Why so many suicide.
I bet you that jumpers figure out the answers to their problems half way down.
By then it's too late.

Thursday, 20 May 2010

Hi, I'm White,

I am, until this Sunday, a 17-year-old white Australian female.
After Sunday I will be an 18 year-old white Australian female.
I am a university student. The idea that I would go to university was never questioned by myself, or those around me - it was where my life would head regardless of anything else.
As part of this higher-education, I take, and am almost finished, a course called 'Indigenous Studies: Culture and Colonisation'.
Because of this course, I will never think about things, certainly not in an Australian context, in the same way again.
One of our readings, from a lady called Peggy McIntosh, really hit home, and I would like you to ask yourself if any or all of these statements apply to you.
Racism not only disadvantages the minority, it also advantages the majority. Don't believe me?  Read below.
As a white, female, Australian national, I can safely say that pretty well all of them are applicable to me.

Because I am white.
1. I can if I wish arrange to be in the company of people of my race most of the time.
2. I can avoid spending time with people whom I was trained to mistrust and who have learned to mistrust my kind or me.
3. If I should need to move, I can be pretty sure of renting or purchasing housing in an area which I can afford and in which I would want to live.
4. I can be pretty sure that my neighbors in such a location will be neutral or pleasant to me.
5. I can go shopping alone most of the time, pretty well assured that I will not be followed or harassed.
6. I can turn on the television or open to the front page of the paper and see people of my race widely represented.
7. When I am told about our national heritage or about "civilization," I am shown that people of my color made it what it is.
8. I can be sure that my children will be given curricular materials that testify to the existence of their race.
9. If I want to, I can be pretty sure of finding a publisher for this piece on white privilege.
10. I can be pretty sure of having my voice heard in a group in which I am the only member of my race.
11. I can be casual about whether or not to listen to another person's voice in a group in which s/he is the only member of his/her race.
12. I can go into a music shop and count on finding the music of my race represented, into a supermarket and find the staple foods which fit with my cultural traditions, into a hairdresser's shop and find someone who can cut my hair.
13. Whether I use checks, credit cards or cash, I can count on my skin color not to work against the appearance of financial reliability.

14. I can arrange to protect my children most of the time from people who might not like them. 
15. I do not have to educate my children to be aware of systemic racism for their own daily physical protection.
16. I can be pretty sure that my children's teachers and employers will tolerate them if they fit school and workplace norms; my chief worries about them do not concern others' attitudes toward their race.
17. I can talk with my mouth full and not have people put this down to my color.
18. I can swear, or dress in second hand clothes, or not answer letters, without having people attribute these choices to the bad morals, the poverty or the illiteracy of my race.
19. I can speak in public to a powerful male group without putting my race on trial.
20. I can do well in a challenging situation without being called a credit to my race.
21. I am never asked to speak for all the people of my racial group.
22. I can remain oblivious of the language and customs of persons of color who constitute the world's majority without feeling in my culture any penalty for such oblivion.
23. I can criticize our government and talk about how much I fear its policies and behavior without being seen as a cultural outsider.
24. I can be pretty sure that if I ask to talk to the "person in charge", I will be facing a person of my race.
25. If a traffic cop pulls me over or if the IRS audits my tax return, I can be sure I haven't been singled out because of my race.
26. I can easily buy posters, post-cards, picture books, greeting cards, dolls, toys and children's
magazines featuring people of my race.
27. I can go home from most meetings of organizations I belong to feeling somewhat tied in, rather than isolated, out-of-place, outnumbered, unheard, held at a distance or feared.
28. I can be pretty sure that an argument with a colleague of another race is more likely to jeopardize her/his chances for advancement than to jeopardize mine.
29. I can be pretty sure that if I argue for the promotion of a person of another race, or a program centering on race, this is not likely to cost me heavily within my present setting, even if my colleagues disagree with me.

30. If I declare there is a racial issue at hand, or there isn't a racial issue at hand, my race will lend me more credibility for either position than a person of color will have.

31. I can choose to ignore developments in minority writing and minority activist programs, or disparage them, or learn from them, but in any case, I can find ways to be more or less protected from negative consequences of any of these choices.
32. My culture gives me little fear about ignoring the perspectives and powers of people of other races.
33. I am not made acutely aware that my shape, bearing or body odor will be taken as a reflection on my race.
34. I can worry about racism without being seen as self-interested or self-seeking.
35. I can take a job with an affirmative action employer without having my co-workers on the job suspect that I got it because of my race.
36. If my day, week or year is going badly, I need not ask of each negative episode or situation whether it had racial overtones.
37. I can be pretty sure of finding people who would be willing to talk with me and advise me about my next steps, professionally.
38. I can think over many options, social, political, imaginative or professional, without asking whether a person of my race would be accepted or allowed to do what I want to do.
39. I can be late to a meeting without having the lateness reflect on my race.
40. I can choose public accommodation without fearing that people of my race cannot get in or will be mistreated in the places I have chosen.
41. I can be sure that if I need legal or medical help, my race will not work against me.
42. I can arrange my activities so that I will never have to experience feelings of rejection owing to my race.
43. If I have low credibility as a leader I can be sure that my race is not the problem.
44. I can easily find academic courses and institutions which give attention only to people of my race.

45. I can expect figurative language and imagery in all of the arts to testify to experiences of my race.

46. I can chose blemish cover or bandages in "flesh" color and have them more or less match my skin.

47. I can travel alone or with my spouse without expecting embarrassment or hostility in those who deal with us.

48. I have no difficulty finding neighborhoods where people approve of our household
49. My children are given texts and classes which implicitly support our kind of family unit and do not turn them against my choice of domestic partnership.
50. I will feel welcomed and "normal" in the usual walks of public life, institutional and social.

McIntosh, P (1988), White Privilege and Male Privilege: A Personal Account of Coming To See Correspondences through Work in Women's Studies, Wellesley College, USA.

Wednesday, 19 May 2010

Riding the Crimson Wave.

Gentlemen, I must apologise first for the content of this bit here - not all of you are so adapted as those with sisters who tell everything in gross detail.
Ladies, tell me if I am the only one that thinks this.

Gift of life. Bringer of miracles.
By definition, it makes women wondrous creatures, capable of creating life (not, of course, without a little help from a special guy out there).
But then - what of those of us who don't want the patter of little feet, or the 9 months of nausea, heart burn and a swelling tummy beforehand?
Students, Teenagers, Workaholics Career-driven women, without necessary funds, the list goes on. And yet, despite this, we still get the monthly spring-clean ready for the next opportunity. It's like nature is encouraging us to reproduce constantly! Jeepers - think of the population if that happened =\
I, for one, loathe this clean out with all my being. It's inconvenient, messy, annoying, and just GROSS. Traditionally, if someone is bleeding, then something is drastically wrong. I maintain this line of thought. No, I am not a feminist. I do not believe that women are equal or greater than men. Let's face it - they're bigger and stronger, and we're better in just as many ways (just not the same ways).
But back to the point: I don't believe that it should be revered and respected as holy or whatever. I. Hate. It.
Depending on who you believe, the average age for menarche has dropped by 2 - 2.5 years. Why? Are we growing up too fast? Western society to blame? The people in the know think so. Check out Wikipedia if you don't agree or understand. Wiki knows all.
When I was younger, and not so used to torrential-based freak-outs from the bathroom, it used to upset me to tears, wondering what I'd done to deserve to feel like that, physically and emotionally.

Put me in for temporary embarrassment and needing to hide my crotch behind a notebook any time - cause the alternative sucks if you don't want kids.