Monday, 24 September 2012

Something's gotta give.

The number one down-side to being an introvert is... being an introvert.
It doesn't really matter whether one calls it a lack of social skills, or simple shyness, I've been told I am both shy and socially stunted.
However, I'd say it's a personality trait, given that I've always had a hard time making close friends. I'm too abrasively honest with some people, and too shy with others. Both have cost me friends.
I look at photos of parties I declined, simply because it would have meant seeing people I burned bridges with, and have too much awkward history, rather than go and catch up with the people I miss and havent seen in 2 years. What the hell?!
The psychology side of my brain sits there and knows exactly what I have a hard time with, and how to go about fixing it: it should be a simple case of taking a deep breath and throwing myself in the deep end. While it may take conscious, exhausting effort at first, it will soon become second nature. BF Skinner went out and spoke to something like 20 strangers a day until he could do it naturally. With practice, he made himself more extroverted. Yet, something holds me back, like when you catch your breath on something as you exhale. And then you can't.
Mike reminds me every once and again, in his annoyingly frank tone, that if I don't make the effort I'm going to end up sad and alone. Never mind the fact that I'd stick with the guy forever if I could. But, as narked off as his tone makes me (it reminds me of my mum), he's right. Something's gotta give. And soon.

Wednesday, 19 September 2012

Thinking ahead.

Looking back at the last four months, I have a hard time reconciling simple logic with the sheer determination with which I went about my denial of reality. Now, however, it seems to have paid off. Whether that is due to the fact that if you want and hope for something hard enough it will happen, or whether there was a subconscious insight the rest of me knew nothing about..... or maybe it was just sheer luck that paid off. I don't know. I've always been a really lucky person, so I'm tempted to take the high ground and say I secretly have superpowers for global domination with my willpower. Or maybe I just got my stubbornness from my grandfather. There's that possibility, too.

What I am talking about, my friends, is the fact that exactly four months ago I was sat down and told my boyfriend was moving back to the UK in 48 hours, and wasn't planning on coming back out. It was devastating. Somehow, a strange twist of fate brought him back out here 8 weeks later, and things have been.... interesting, to say the least. Still, the dust has finally settled, and we're planning a trip to Scotland for Christmas and New Year. Once I'd gotten over the "yeah right, you're just yanking my chain, you big meanie", I've started to get rather excited about the whole prospect. Things have settled to the point of actually feeling like it's turning into a serious relationship. One that might keep going  years down the road, and involves a Husky, renovating a house, and a kid to teach how to play Football. I always was slightly old-fashioned at heart with where I want my life to end up: gimme a house, husband, dog and a baby and I would be one very happy lady.

A slightly less expected result of all this talk about travelling (and the subtext of getting a puppy) is that I've started to feel all gun-ho about using it as a test-run for the future. I've been told a lot of people go there, fall in love with it, and don't leave. I suspect that view's a little biased, given that it came from the most proud Scot I've ever met. But still, he has a point. So, instead, it may well be time to see if I can hack the cold weather, understand the accent, and maybe make a go of living abroad after I graduate.

Who knows, I might even be able to use some of that lucky nature to get me a scholarship do a PhD or Masters at Edinburgh, Glasgow or Abertay University. Dream big, or not at all, right?

After all, in the end life is one big adventure, and there's no hurt in trying.

Tuesday, 4 September 2012

Ohai Spring, I missed you

 Praise the Lord, the Sun's out!!!!
The last few days have been the most glorious welcome to Spring I can remember for a long time (from memory, it poured for a week straight last year). 26C today, and actually managed to lay on the grass in the sun with an Orwell novel for an hour. Think I got a bit of a tan from it, too.
Jeez I've missed the sunshine. I have friends who just roll their eyes and smile, others think I'm a little strange, but being in the sun gets me excited. About everything. I have a habit of standing in the sun, eyes closed, face raised to the sky, arms outstretched, like I'm waiting to give the sky a hug. I had an ex who called it photosynthesising. A slightly more callous (albeit accurate) term would have been to call me a cold-blooded reptile - I need to be in the sun to warm up to life in general.
Things are always better when it's warm and sunny. Bad news never seems as bad, stress is never as severe when one is shading one's eyes from the glorious golden rays.
Admittedly, I have noticed that the sun's bite has grown substantially over the last few years, and I suspect this year will be a scorcher (yay!). Here's hoping everyone remembers the sunscreen.

This time of year is my favourite, because even though everything is piling on (Major assignments, the success of which will determine my admission in to 4th year, are all due in the next month), and stress levels should be through the roof, it is so much easier to just take a breath, step back and smell the roses. Or wattle, as my case is. I just wish I had Gus to walk.
Rani, my other dog, has been extremely sick of late. Half a dozen trips to the vet, a biopsy, ultra sound and multiple drips later and we still have no clue what's wrong with her, and it's been seriously freaking me out. Having said that, she's definitely on the mend, a conclusion come to by the simple fact that she has begun hovering whenever there is food about. Especially biscuits. She loves bikkies. I've never seen anything get so excited over a Ginger Nut. Never thought I'd be pleased to see that behaviour, but hey, here we are.

Sadly, the forecast for the rest of the week is looking less than promising, but given the past weekend, rain and 17C is an acceptable compromise for another lovely weekend coming up. What I do know is that with the warmth comes a happy Olivia. Given the grumpy, unforgiving state I've been living in the last month and a half, it's a miracle I have a family or boyfriend still around.
Still, sunshine solves all.