Tuesday, 27 December 2011

It's been a long time since I spent the evening in my room, keeping company only of myself and my thoughts. Possibly because it is a potentially dangerous situation: a disquiet mind, when stripped of distracting noise, looks for other areas to occupy itself with. Goodness knows there's enough dark twisty areas in here to use and take advantage of.
I'm restless. I'm like a little kid on christmas eve: I want it to be tomorrow so badly I can't sleep. So, instead, I'm drawing. Compulsively. Obsessively.
I have a muse, now. I have my faith back, and passion.
Alas, still no white oil pastels.
In lieu of that, I'm left with textas. Yes, those fat washable, non-toxic Crayolas that you give 2 year olds. Little compares to the child-like excitement of buying and using instruments of ones childhood.

Eyes Wide Shut.

Had I seen this rule 6 months ago I wouldn't have believed it. If I'd seen Rule 6 ...
I would have thrown my computer across the room: nobody wants to know they're not wanted.
However, 185 days, 6 sessions and many many tears later, and I see it: the good in goodbye, and the good in not being wanted. 
Sometimes you get so stuck in a routine that you forget that there are other things out there: this isn't all there is. There's more to life than being miserable, clinging onto something that 1. Died months ago, and 2. Wasn't really deserving of your precious time or effort in the first place.

Found out last night I was half the reason Mike came back to Adelaide from Queensland. The guy is like the make lead in a chick flick, playing out in my reality. The cynic in me whispers in my ear not to be swept away with words, but the sincerity in those eyes makes the little workers in my head stop laying bricks and set down their trowels and mortar. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop: nothing is ever this good without a catch. What goes up must come down, .... right?

But then I think, at what point do we start thinking like that, though? How much disappointment must be endured before everything has to have a bad side attached? Sure, everyone has their less.... personable... side. But things can be all good, can't they? I have a hard time believing it. Maybe because some inner alarm system is threatening me with the reminder of what happens if you wander blindly into situations akin to a  venus fly trap.

I guess the solution is to tread carefully, and to have faith in the hand that leads you. Enter through the doorway with eyes wide shut.

Monday, 26 December 2011

I brain you.

Is this actually a decision?
The heart is a muscle. It is a mass of cells that pump blood around the body.
The brain is also a mass of cells. But, by some miracle, the combination of neurons created consciousness. It creates feelings, emotions, seemingly unique to human beings.
So, when you're in two minds aobut listening to your head, or your heart, really, it's a battle that looks more like this advert from Mercedes Benz..

I find that if both sides don't agree, youre almost certainly wasting your time. Well, I am.

And although it's sweet to say 'I heart you', or the ever popular 'I <3 U', I see a particular beauty in this...

It's like saying 'I'm attached to you because I am better when you are around. You make everything better' It's logic meeting and befriending your feelings, and agreeing with them, because everything makes sense.

I just got lucky that I met someone that makes sense like this.
I am a cynic, a pessimist. I see the end of things before they begin. Then he walks in and I'm being forced to reconsider the possibilities. All of them. And it's terrifying, and exhilarating. It's a blast of cool wind on a hot day, gives me goosebumps and leaves me smiling and thinking that maybe, oh just maybe, I've found something that surpasses the ordinary, and sits in the realm of the extraordinary.

Friday, 23 December 2011

Christmas. Again.

Normally a Grinch, I've discovered that christmas shopping tends to burn away my meanie greenie facade and replaces it with solid helpings of red and white. So, naturally, with 2 days to go, and a reason to celebrate this year, I'm bouncing around the house, spending exorbitant amounts of money on presents and getting into the general festive spirit.

I even taught myself to sew (kinda). Yes people, be shocked.
After a drunken wander through the East End of Adelaide, I saw a beautiful dress in Dangerfield that I just couldnt forget about. So, naturally, I went back (sober) and bought it.

Of course, I'm nowhere near that tall, so it sits at my knees, leaving me feeling a little like a 50's housewife. HOWEVER, well and truly getting into the spirit of things, I decided it needed fluff. White fluff. Tell you what - I've never owned a cat. I can now appreciate the concept of hair on every surface possible.
So, it now looks like this....

Admittedly, It's held together with safety pins, but I thought I did a good job :)
Add a super fluffy santa hat to it, and I'm aiming to blow the top off the cuteness thermometer. (yes, it's lame, but then, I'm a bit lame, and its christmas!!!!!)

The day itself won't hold much in the way of a house packed-out with guests - its always a small gig: 3 grandparents, 2 siblings, 2 parents, and 2 dogs. Still, it's enough to cause utter mayhem.
I dont think I've been this excited for christmas day since before I knew santa wasnt real (sorry kiddies for spoiling it. on the up-side, milk it for all its worth outta your parents!).
Probably cause I have a boy and family to share it with. I'm finding this especially important, now more than ever. And yes, I'm materialistic in my over-spending. It's my way of showing them I love them when my words fail me (rare, but possible).

When I grow up into a fully-fleged adult, and move out, I'll have christmas at my house. There'll be grandparents through to children, and it will be insanely crazy, but it'll be the only time I see some people, I'm sure. So, as I grow older and wiser, I am beginning to understand the real beauty of christmas: family - the laughs, lame jokes, and tears. The food, the hugs hello and hugs goodbye. They won't last forever, it's important to remember them when they happen, so that when those you shared them with are gone, they will never be forgotten.

That's my meaning of christmas.

Thursday, 22 December 2011

Sobriety shakes the illusion that everyone is awesome. Almost everyone.

One of these days I'll get to writing about a boy. Not just any boy, mind you, one unlike any other, the one that makes me feel... well, courtesy of a cool tumblr I've recently stumbled upon .....  like this...

"You can't help it. Sometimes you just look at someone and realise that they are one of the best things that ever happened in your life"

So it may as well be today.

He's a friend I've known for a year and a half, but was never particulaly close to, probably because all our encounters involved clubbing and alcohol (expecially on my part). I find that I meet a lot of people while drunk, but never make best buddies with them. Sobriety shakes the illusion that everyone is awesome.

Hes always been someone to look forward to seeing, but when a mutual friend left for college in the US of A, we didnt really see eachother as much. Mostly on my account - I'd just been broken up with and was, well, rather depressed. The prospect of having coffee with a dozen different guys all wanting the same thing wasn't overly appealing as a newcomer to the Singles Club with wounds still raw and bleeding, as I'm sure you can imagine. I didn't realise that with him, coffee is coffee, not a date or an 'in' to getting with me (so to speak). Made for a nice change.

Fast forward 5 or so months.
Much to my horror (for multiple reasons), he went interstate with my ex and his homewrecker girlfriend on a job finding mission. They're still up there. He came home. Cannot tell you how happy I was when I found out - I can't stand my ex, or her, and the thought of why they wanted to take him away from me ... rubbed me the wrong way, to say the least.

Although, why it bothered me so much, I didn't know.

Thanks to said ex, I am cynical at best about relationships at my age: whats the point of being with someone if youre just going to break up and go through the cycle all over again?! You lose friends, a partner, and a part of yourself. Well, I do.
I can be, and am, scared of becoming attached to people. I am scared of trusting them: the last person I fell in love with tore me up so bad I very nearly jumped off a cliff. Literally.
So, naturally, I'm hesitant to put myself in a position where that might be a possibility, no matter how remote. Yet here I am.
I figure - if I'm going to be scared, there isn't a better person in the world to help me face, and beat, my fear; to show me I was wrong, and in this case, boy will I be glad to be wrong.
I'm coming to realise that in spite of my past history with guys, they can't all be put in the one box. One day I'll have to thank him properly for his patience, kindness, honesty and easygoing nature. I now understand what it's like to be in awe of someone, and the thought of losing him half way across the world to his home is unfathomable.

In case you've been hit over the head with the Thick Stick several times, or dropped as a child, I'll state the obvious: I'm now his girlfriend.

Nowdays, coffee is coffee, and me making a fool of myself, and laughing too much, and when he laughs too, it makes everything all the funnier, because his smile tugs at my heartstrings and I wonder why the hell I was so scared to be here in the first place.

Sunday, 18 December 2011

Yes, I'm a judgey, judgey person.... when I don't have my Counsellor Face on.

Monday, 12 December 2011

Problems of the 1st World

I maintain, these things are funny.... until you realise that some people honestly think things like this are real problems.

New jobs, new friends. Add in some dancing and we're all set!

I have discovered, in my opinion, the holy grail of a good time at work. To be fair, working at a winery in the Adelaide Hills is a pretty good start - the view at this time of year is a litte breath taking - its like something out of a post card! The staff are wonderful and so is the food. Though, I have to say, my favourite part of functions is when they open the dance floor - there's no reason not to dance behind the bar, and I find myself doing it, or singing, without realising. Thankfully I'm not the only one, and another guy and myself make a pretty good wine-pouring, music-making duet :) It's just an amazing atmosphere, it barely registered that I'd worked an 8 hour shift until I got home at 1.30am and my shin splints decided to say hi as I was eating a piece of wedding cake (one of the perks of the job: by the time my own wedding comes around, I'll know exactly what kind of cake to have)
Sounds a bit goofy, but I absolutely love my job.

For the locals, this is a link to Longview, I'd recommend it to anyone.

And so the compulsive end-of-school rituals begin.

Nothing like waking up next to someone and, instead of 'good morning' and a cuddle, there I am, on my phone, cursing it because it won't load my results fast enough. Clearly, I am destined to be a Uni geek.
Extremely happy with said results, I've passed my 5.0GPA quota so I've got nothing to worry about... just like everyone kept telling me - I swear, if I'd put nearly as much effort into year 12 as I have with courses this year, I'd have been sitting up near the 98TER score, rather than 92 (which isn't something to sneeze at, I know, but point stands).

Again, the weather's crappy: cloud and threatening to rain, and will be like this for as long as the Bureau forecasts it. I'm not liking this version of summer. If I'd known it would be like this, I'd have gone overseas to somewhere that is actually supposed to be experiencing winter right now.
A good friend of mine has been telling me about Scotland: the good, bad, and just plain odd. Much to his dismay, rather than put me off travelling, it's made me determined to visit (ideally when he goes home to see his family).

Alas, this is currently not the case. Instead, the idea of clearing out my room is once again rearing its head. Usuallly something I rather enjoy doing, it is quickly becoming a battle between want vs need, sentimental vs utter garbage. In other words if it has a use, I've probably still got it, clothes included. Still, what's the use of new clothes if there's nowhere to hang them but on the back of a desk chair? So, with some creative insight, foresight, and a will of steel, it shall be done, and IKEA shall be visited. I love IKEA. I rarely have a reason to visit, and it isn't like it's just around the corner so much as on the opposite side of town, and it's confusing and I always get lost... not to mention every visit there results in me wanting to buy and furnish a house within the next 48 hours.

This time, though, I have a reason to peruse the many, many items in the Study section! XD
Here's hoping their book cases and filing cabinets are easier to put together than their desks....

Friday, 9 December 2011

A little recap

With several hours to kill before I need to leave the house, I find myself wandering aimlessly, unsure what to do with myself: it's been pouring all morning and its cold. So much for December... it's killed any plans to play with the dogs or go swimming, or pretty much be outside whatsoever. It's the middle of summer and I find myself eyeing off the ugg boots, laying forgotten in the corner.

Instead, in an attempt to make lemonade out of the situation, here I am.
So, an update on whats been going on in my sheltered little world:

Exams came and went without a hitch (mostly).They were vastly different from the predominantly multiple choice, can-finish-a-three-hour-exam-in-forty-minutes affairs of last year. Seen essay exams aren't so much fun: I spend so long prepping the essays that I didn't get any other revision in for the second half of that particular subject.... Here's hoping I did okay.

Regardless, I get my final grades tomorrow, on Saturday. Why then, rather than today, I do not know, but I DO know that nothing I can do will make any difference to them whatsoever now, so I've been thoroughly enjoying the last few weeks, rather than stressing about what my GPA will be as of 24 hours from now.

In the meantime, I've been running errands, working all weekend (yes, I have my schedule backwards in that regard, and it doesn't appear to be changing any time soon- one of the perks of being a full time student), and drinking with a friend-come-recently-graduated-nurse. Foolishly forgetting that I had to work what resembled a split-shift the next morning, I started playing drinking games at said friends, which was fun.... and then someone introduced the absinthe. The real stuff is illegal in Australia because of the Wormwood infusion. To my knowledge (please, someone correct me if I have it mixed up), Wormwood is a hallucinogen, and can cause some pretty crazy antics (though I put that to the 64% alc/vol ratio). Though not the worst off in the group, I was so sick the next day, and work was so horrendous, I since vowed never to touch the stuff again. One shot was enough for a long time, and I, nearly a week on, still have a trace of the nausea from that weekend when I eat anything substantial, like food.

However, when not poisoning myself from the inside out, I've been out and about, seeing as many people as I can - despite the shitty weather today, it's been one big social gathering: a nice change from camping out alone in the library mezzanine all day, every day. :)