Tuesday, 27 December 2011

It's been a long time since I spent the evening in my room, keeping company only of myself and my thoughts. Possibly because it is a potentially dangerous situation: a disquiet mind, when stripped of distracting noise, looks for other areas to occupy itself with. Goodness knows there's enough dark twisty areas in here to use and take advantage of.
I'm restless. I'm like a little kid on christmas eve: I want it to be tomorrow so badly I can't sleep. So, instead, I'm drawing. Compulsively. Obsessively.
I have a muse, now. I have my faith back, and passion.
Alas, still no white oil pastels.
In lieu of that, I'm left with textas. Yes, those fat washable, non-toxic Crayolas that you give 2 year olds. Little compares to the child-like excitement of buying and using instruments of ones childhood.

Eyes Wide Shut.

Had I seen this rule 6 months ago I wouldn't have believed it. If I'd seen Rule 6 ...
I would have thrown my computer across the room: nobody wants to know they're not wanted.
However, 185 days, 6 sessions and many many tears later, and I see it: the good in goodbye, and the good in not being wanted. 
Sometimes you get so stuck in a routine that you forget that there are other things out there: this isn't all there is. There's more to life than being miserable, clinging onto something that 1. Died months ago, and 2. Wasn't really deserving of your precious time or effort in the first place.

Found out last night I was half the reason Mike came back to Adelaide from Queensland. The guy is like the make lead in a chick flick, playing out in my reality. The cynic in me whispers in my ear not to be swept away with words, but the sincerity in those eyes makes the little workers in my head stop laying bricks and set down their trowels and mortar. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop: nothing is ever this good without a catch. What goes up must come down, .... right?

But then I think, at what point do we start thinking like that, though? How much disappointment must be endured before everything has to have a bad side attached? Sure, everyone has their less.... personable... side. But things can be all good, can't they? I have a hard time believing it. Maybe because some inner alarm system is threatening me with the reminder of what happens if you wander blindly into situations akin to a  venus fly trap.

I guess the solution is to tread carefully, and to have faith in the hand that leads you. Enter through the doorway with eyes wide shut.

Monday, 26 December 2011

I brain you.

Is this actually a decision?
The heart is a muscle. It is a mass of cells that pump blood around the body.
The brain is also a mass of cells. But, by some miracle, the combination of neurons created consciousness. It creates feelings, emotions, seemingly unique to human beings.
So, when you're in two minds aobut listening to your head, or your heart, really, it's a battle that looks more like this advert from Mercedes Benz..

I find that if both sides don't agree, youre almost certainly wasting your time. Well, I am.

And although it's sweet to say 'I heart you', or the ever popular 'I <3 U', I see a particular beauty in this...

It's like saying 'I'm attached to you because I am better when you are around. You make everything better' It's logic meeting and befriending your feelings, and agreeing with them, because everything makes sense.

I just got lucky that I met someone that makes sense like this.
I am a cynic, a pessimist. I see the end of things before they begin. Then he walks in and I'm being forced to reconsider the possibilities. All of them. And it's terrifying, and exhilarating. It's a blast of cool wind on a hot day, gives me goosebumps and leaves me smiling and thinking that maybe, oh just maybe, I've found something that surpasses the ordinary, and sits in the realm of the extraordinary.

Friday, 23 December 2011

Christmas. Again.

Normally a Grinch, I've discovered that christmas shopping tends to burn away my meanie greenie facade and replaces it with solid helpings of red and white. So, naturally, with 2 days to go, and a reason to celebrate this year, I'm bouncing around the house, spending exorbitant amounts of money on presents and getting into the general festive spirit.

I even taught myself to sew (kinda). Yes people, be shocked.
After a drunken wander through the East End of Adelaide, I saw a beautiful dress in Dangerfield that I just couldnt forget about. So, naturally, I went back (sober) and bought it.

Of course, I'm nowhere near that tall, so it sits at my knees, leaving me feeling a little like a 50's housewife. HOWEVER, well and truly getting into the spirit of things, I decided it needed fluff. White fluff. Tell you what - I've never owned a cat. I can now appreciate the concept of hair on every surface possible.
So, it now looks like this....

Admittedly, It's held together with safety pins, but I thought I did a good job :)
Add a super fluffy santa hat to it, and I'm aiming to blow the top off the cuteness thermometer. (yes, it's lame, but then, I'm a bit lame, and its christmas!!!!!)

The day itself won't hold much in the way of a house packed-out with guests - its always a small gig: 3 grandparents, 2 siblings, 2 parents, and 2 dogs. Still, it's enough to cause utter mayhem.
I dont think I've been this excited for christmas day since before I knew santa wasnt real (sorry kiddies for spoiling it. on the up-side, milk it for all its worth outta your parents!).
Probably cause I have a boy and family to share it with. I'm finding this especially important, now more than ever. And yes, I'm materialistic in my over-spending. It's my way of showing them I love them when my words fail me (rare, but possible).

When I grow up into a fully-fleged adult, and move out, I'll have christmas at my house. There'll be grandparents through to children, and it will be insanely crazy, but it'll be the only time I see some people, I'm sure. So, as I grow older and wiser, I am beginning to understand the real beauty of christmas: family - the laughs, lame jokes, and tears. The food, the hugs hello and hugs goodbye. They won't last forever, it's important to remember them when they happen, so that when those you shared them with are gone, they will never be forgotten.

That's my meaning of christmas.

Thursday, 22 December 2011

Sobriety shakes the illusion that everyone is awesome. Almost everyone.

One of these days I'll get to writing about a boy. Not just any boy, mind you, one unlike any other, the one that makes me feel... well, courtesy of a cool tumblr I've recently stumbled upon .....  like this...

"You can't help it. Sometimes you just look at someone and realise that they are one of the best things that ever happened in your life"

So it may as well be today.

He's a friend I've known for a year and a half, but was never particulaly close to, probably because all our encounters involved clubbing and alcohol (expecially on my part). I find that I meet a lot of people while drunk, but never make best buddies with them. Sobriety shakes the illusion that everyone is awesome.

Hes always been someone to look forward to seeing, but when a mutual friend left for college in the US of A, we didnt really see eachother as much. Mostly on my account - I'd just been broken up with and was, well, rather depressed. The prospect of having coffee with a dozen different guys all wanting the same thing wasn't overly appealing as a newcomer to the Singles Club with wounds still raw and bleeding, as I'm sure you can imagine. I didn't realise that with him, coffee is coffee, not a date or an 'in' to getting with me (so to speak). Made for a nice change.

Fast forward 5 or so months.
Much to my horror (for multiple reasons), he went interstate with my ex and his homewrecker girlfriend on a job finding mission. They're still up there. He came home. Cannot tell you how happy I was when I found out - I can't stand my ex, or her, and the thought of why they wanted to take him away from me ... rubbed me the wrong way, to say the least.

Although, why it bothered me so much, I didn't know.

Thanks to said ex, I am cynical at best about relationships at my age: whats the point of being with someone if youre just going to break up and go through the cycle all over again?! You lose friends, a partner, and a part of yourself. Well, I do.
I can be, and am, scared of becoming attached to people. I am scared of trusting them: the last person I fell in love with tore me up so bad I very nearly jumped off a cliff. Literally.
So, naturally, I'm hesitant to put myself in a position where that might be a possibility, no matter how remote. Yet here I am.
I figure - if I'm going to be scared, there isn't a better person in the world to help me face, and beat, my fear; to show me I was wrong, and in this case, boy will I be glad to be wrong.
I'm coming to realise that in spite of my past history with guys, they can't all be put in the one box. One day I'll have to thank him properly for his patience, kindness, honesty and easygoing nature. I now understand what it's like to be in awe of someone, and the thought of losing him half way across the world to his home is unfathomable.

In case you've been hit over the head with the Thick Stick several times, or dropped as a child, I'll state the obvious: I'm now his girlfriend.

Nowdays, coffee is coffee, and me making a fool of myself, and laughing too much, and when he laughs too, it makes everything all the funnier, because his smile tugs at my heartstrings and I wonder why the hell I was so scared to be here in the first place.

Sunday, 18 December 2011

Yes, I'm a judgey, judgey person.... when I don't have my Counsellor Face on.

Monday, 12 December 2011

Problems of the 1st World

I maintain, these things are funny.... until you realise that some people honestly think things like this are real problems.

New jobs, new friends. Add in some dancing and we're all set!

I have discovered, in my opinion, the holy grail of a good time at work. To be fair, working at a winery in the Adelaide Hills is a pretty good start - the view at this time of year is a litte breath taking - its like something out of a post card! The staff are wonderful and so is the food. Though, I have to say, my favourite part of functions is when they open the dance floor - there's no reason not to dance behind the bar, and I find myself doing it, or singing, without realising. Thankfully I'm not the only one, and another guy and myself make a pretty good wine-pouring, music-making duet :) It's just an amazing atmosphere, it barely registered that I'd worked an 8 hour shift until I got home at 1.30am and my shin splints decided to say hi as I was eating a piece of wedding cake (one of the perks of the job: by the time my own wedding comes around, I'll know exactly what kind of cake to have)
Sounds a bit goofy, but I absolutely love my job.

For the locals, this is a link to Longview, I'd recommend it to anyone.

And so the compulsive end-of-school rituals begin.

Nothing like waking up next to someone and, instead of 'good morning' and a cuddle, there I am, on my phone, cursing it because it won't load my results fast enough. Clearly, I am destined to be a Uni geek.
Extremely happy with said results, I've passed my 5.0GPA quota so I've got nothing to worry about... just like everyone kept telling me - I swear, if I'd put nearly as much effort into year 12 as I have with courses this year, I'd have been sitting up near the 98TER score, rather than 92 (which isn't something to sneeze at, I know, but point stands).

Again, the weather's crappy: cloud and threatening to rain, and will be like this for as long as the Bureau forecasts it. I'm not liking this version of summer. If I'd known it would be like this, I'd have gone overseas to somewhere that is actually supposed to be experiencing winter right now.
A good friend of mine has been telling me about Scotland: the good, bad, and just plain odd. Much to his dismay, rather than put me off travelling, it's made me determined to visit (ideally when he goes home to see his family).

Alas, this is currently not the case. Instead, the idea of clearing out my room is once again rearing its head. Usuallly something I rather enjoy doing, it is quickly becoming a battle between want vs need, sentimental vs utter garbage. In other words if it has a use, I've probably still got it, clothes included. Still, what's the use of new clothes if there's nowhere to hang them but on the back of a desk chair? So, with some creative insight, foresight, and a will of steel, it shall be done, and IKEA shall be visited. I love IKEA. I rarely have a reason to visit, and it isn't like it's just around the corner so much as on the opposite side of town, and it's confusing and I always get lost... not to mention every visit there results in me wanting to buy and furnish a house within the next 48 hours.

This time, though, I have a reason to peruse the many, many items in the Study section! XD
Here's hoping their book cases and filing cabinets are easier to put together than their desks....

Friday, 9 December 2011

A little recap

With several hours to kill before I need to leave the house, I find myself wandering aimlessly, unsure what to do with myself: it's been pouring all morning and its cold. So much for December... it's killed any plans to play with the dogs or go swimming, or pretty much be outside whatsoever. It's the middle of summer and I find myself eyeing off the ugg boots, laying forgotten in the corner.

Instead, in an attempt to make lemonade out of the situation, here I am.
So, an update on whats been going on in my sheltered little world:

Exams came and went without a hitch (mostly).They were vastly different from the predominantly multiple choice, can-finish-a-three-hour-exam-in-forty-minutes affairs of last year. Seen essay exams aren't so much fun: I spend so long prepping the essays that I didn't get any other revision in for the second half of that particular subject.... Here's hoping I did okay.

Regardless, I get my final grades tomorrow, on Saturday. Why then, rather than today, I do not know, but I DO know that nothing I can do will make any difference to them whatsoever now, so I've been thoroughly enjoying the last few weeks, rather than stressing about what my GPA will be as of 24 hours from now.

In the meantime, I've been running errands, working all weekend (yes, I have my schedule backwards in that regard, and it doesn't appear to be changing any time soon- one of the perks of being a full time student), and drinking with a friend-come-recently-graduated-nurse. Foolishly forgetting that I had to work what resembled a split-shift the next morning, I started playing drinking games at said friends, which was fun.... and then someone introduced the absinthe. The real stuff is illegal in Australia because of the Wormwood infusion. To my knowledge (please, someone correct me if I have it mixed up), Wormwood is a hallucinogen, and can cause some pretty crazy antics (though I put that to the 64% alc/vol ratio). Though not the worst off in the group, I was so sick the next day, and work was so horrendous, I since vowed never to touch the stuff again. One shot was enough for a long time, and I, nearly a week on, still have a trace of the nausea from that weekend when I eat anything substantial, like food.

However, when not poisoning myself from the inside out, I've been out and about, seeing as many people as I can - despite the shitty weather today, it's been one big social gathering: a nice change from camping out alone in the library mezzanine all day, every day. :)

Monday, 21 November 2011

Bed Time

I find myself wondering why on earth I haven't yet gone to bed, when I can hardly focus, and I'm watching the news reel for the second time (or is it third?). Yep, it's the same as three hours ago.
I blame a recent history of unbelievably crappy less than average sleep, usually attributed to hayfever or the neighbours sons deeming it necessary to rev the bajeebers out of their engines before toddling off 600 metres down the road to work. (I'm not making that number up, by the way, it's actually 600m.), or wherever the year 12 kid goes since school's done.
Its to the point where I wake up before 8.30, just to avoid that kind of rude awakening.
Mind you, it's also not a nice feeling to dream that you are being choked from the inside out (go figure), only to wake up clutching your throat, trying to work out why you can't breathe.
I'll have some apnoea and swollen throat with my REM, thanks waiter.

I'm beginning to comprehend somewhat the sleep deprivation experienced by parents, and the value of a nice 8 hours of quality shut eye.

I've got an exam at 6.30 tomorrow night, so I'm hoping that tonight I'll get lucky in this sense, and have a night of glorious, dreamless sleep.

Wednesday, 16 November 2011

Proof I'll Never be a Counsellor

 The sheer number of people I've wanted to send this to borders on ridiculous.

Tuesday, 15 November 2011


Also known as Synesthesia if you're from the US (note the lack of 'a'), is a condition that pretty much boils down to having your sensory wires crossed. This means that when one sense is stimulated, TWO react.
There's loads of different theories as to why it exists, and whether it's inherent or semantically driven. Heres a task for you -- how would you describe the colour red to a person blind from birth? -- I bet ALL your answers involve metaphor. That's semantics - the meaning we derive from, or create for, something.

Theres all sorts of synaethetes, from being able to see music or emotions, to tasting sights, there are some truly unusual cases.

One such involves touching another human being, and then feeling that touch on that specific are of their OWN body. fMRI's (functional magnetic resonance imaging) have proven this to actually exist, rather than them 'just saying it'.

Another case, GW, saw rings of colour around the names and faces of familiar people, and also around emotions. Brings a new perspective to the concept of "Auras", don't you think?

One person associated personality and gender to typography, ie, "the number 3 is male and a jerk" (Ward, 2009)

I admit, I did laugh at that.
I can only imagine what the world would look like when experiencing these. There's several composers, I forget their names, who could see music.... and no doubt something similar applies to those who paint it.

 For once, I think this is a brain abnormality that I'd love to have....

Monday, 7 November 2011

Conservation psychology is clearly not my thing: I've just about fallen asleep twice while reading my notes on it and the little voice in my head is saying 'Nah, don't do that, you'll be fine, play the Sims instead!'
This does not bode well for the upcoming exam.

Thursday, 3 November 2011

Everyone has their bad days.

At this moment i'm waiting for my computer to finish installing a game, so what better time to write?
Possibly whinge.
I do that a lot, I've noticed. Oh well, better to do it consciously than natter on with no godly idea.

I coach softball at my highschool of a thursday afternoon. Being Australia, and being on the summery-end of spring, the sun has a bite to it. Naturally, silly people like me choose to spend the 90 minutes in a singlet top and no sun block. Clever one, Liv.
/Cue burnt shoulders and an excruciatingly obvious tan line -__-
 I like to be in the sun from 4.30 onwards - its warm enough to still build up a tan without actually burning, because the UV isnt harsh enough. (gotta love science)

HOWEVER, I'd just come from the city where I'd felt like I was forced into having lunch with my dick of an ex boyfriend before he goes and screws up his life in Queensland. I didnt really want to see him, but I was curious as to why on EARTH he wanted to see me. Surely not to have me try talk him out of it? Phht.
I was in an understandably perculiar mood after that. Weird mix of jumping for joy and being pissed. It may sound petty but out-of-sight-out-of-mind works mind-blowingly well in this situation, so I'd rather he be off the planet, but alas, interstate shall have to do, and anything B related puts me in a foul mood.

This isn't the best headset to go into when trying to herd 15 year 9 girls into the sun to stand around for an hour or so.
In the end, I didnt have the energy to lose my temper at them like I wanted to. I think they forget that I have more important things to do, like work, or ace my exam prep, but I choose to be there instead.

I like playing. I miss playing. Somehow I let work get in the way of that.

I envy those who dont work, who get to just go to uni. They are a dying breed, I fear.
Makes for a lot less stress. That'd be nice.

Tuesday, 1 November 2011

Remembering Sundays

Ever have those moments where you kinda lose track of time and all of a sudden its two years ago and everything that existed in you then, does now?
Maybe that's just me.
Most people call it nostalgia. But isn't that supposed to be about remembering the 'good old days?'

It's the strangest feeling, being town half way between who you are, and who you were. Certainly in my case, there's not an exorbitant amount of change.
I would still have used the word 'exorbitant' as a sixteen year old, for example.
I've been double-booked this weekend (yes, there IS a point to this rather random tangent). A friends Disney-themed dress-up 20th birthday..... and a friend is visiting Adelaide for a week from Sydney (Happy days ^^)
With many, many variables to consider, the dress-up won. Mainly because I feel a sense of duty to be the winglady for a friend in her attempt to avoid murdering a mutual friend's boyfriend (complicated, I know, but it makes sense when full context is provided.... something which wont be happening here).
I think I may make a stop in le Town to say hi to the folks at the here-for-a-week,-havent-seen-you-in-over-a-year party. Partly because an ex of mine will be there.
... Two, actually, now that I think of it.

Still. The one that matters i've had no contact with for.... a year? and limited contact before then. Everyone's got their first love. He was mine. Didn't matter we werent together for that long, or that he screwed me over rather substantially. It took me a long time to come to grips with what he did and why. I dont hold it against him anymore, which is unusual, considering my usual title is Queen of the Grudge-Holders. i miss him sometimes, you know? Maybe it isnt even the person, but the feeling.

And when I think of that feeling, of the summer spent in the Bridge, the heat and yellow grass... I'm seventeen again, just finished school, with not a care in the world.

Seeing his face, I have no doubt, would return that feeling, even if he does have someone else hanging off his arm. Good thing? Bad thing? Who knows. Still, it'd be nice to see the face who introduced me to the family that adopted me when things were so rocky with my own.

Monday, 31 October 2011

I'm beginning to loathe the existence of the Squirrel Monkey. Not because it's done anything wrong, but because the writers block I am experiencing in relation to my report on it is keeping me from what I feel are more important things, like my sanity.

Sunday, 30 October 2011

Three Little Words: "I Miss You."

I dont know about you, but often when I see these typographs, it makes me want to slap them upside the head for being naive. Still, every so often, I read them and it makes me think.

I've got a friend, a best friend, who, part way through year 12, dropped out and joined the army. He was around my place a lot, to the point where mum would set a place at the table for him, even if she wasnt expecting him to turn up. He usually did. We used to joke, if there was ever someone my mum would pick for me to marry, it would be him. It wasnt until a lot later til I realised that that was probably his way of spending as much time with me/us before he left.
He left for training at Kapuka that July, and hasnt lived in the state since. That was two and a half years ago. Used to be a phone call every two days, and that streched out to about every 6 weeks eventually. He comes home every so often, but I often miss them, because I'm working, busy or just dont want to leave the house (terrible, I know).This time I was determined to make it happen. So off I went today and managed about 20-30 minutes between work ending and him leaving for the airport (again).
Driving home was a lot harder than it should have been. It's not like it's something bad, or scary, or anything else other than the natural order of things. Then I realised: I've been so used to his absence, that seeing him makes me remember: this is my best friend. We dont always have a lot to talk about, and we are poles apart in most ways, but if ever there was someone who I knew had my back, it'd be him. That, and I like to tell prospective boyfriends that he's a trained killer - usually makes them behave.
Still. That feeling I had when he left the first time is back and I cant shake it. He's not a warm-and-fuzzy-feelings kinda guy, so there isnt much point in voicing how much he means and how much I miss him when he's away, but hey, one can only hope the enormous bottle of JD's I have planned for his annual leave speaks a little of this.

Friday, 28 October 2011

Finally, a reason to get genuinely excited.

Guest lecturer today - little bit goofy, humour was a little off-beat, but my god was he educated. I was having trouble keeping up, just because he was talking like an academic (it takes some time to know that superior-lateral means top-and-side-simultaneously, without thinking about it first). It was brilliant.  What he was talking about, is what I hope to be doing. Needless to say, the fact that he teaches one of my 3rd year courses is infinitley pleasing to me.
But hey, thats me.
Call me whatever you like, I like learning - it makes me feel like my world has some point to it. I get that this isn't for everyone, but those who are of the "I think this is bulls**t, and so I'm going to ridicule [insert name, or topic here]"..... Those people, I dont go out of my way to talk to about the newest thing I've learned, or am trying to understand - my enthusiasm is wasted on them.
It's disappointing.

Thursday, 27 October 2011

Sunshine, I missed you.

Tuesday, 25 October 2011


I am aware I'm writing two posts immediatley after each other. HOWEVER, I feel that one  (though semi-complaining) was a little more lighthearted.
Now, I feel I need to have a bit of a genuine whinge/rant/yell-at-the-wind moment.

I like to think that I am a pretty patient/understanding person, and goodness knows I give others entirely too many chances. I understand that mature aged students asking what I feel are ridiculous questions, are simply their tools for learning. I understand that sometimes discussion must be had in class for comprehension of what on earth is going on.

However, when the phrase "I'm going leaving this lecture after the break to go tan" is uttered in a no-way-quietly-whispering voice directly behind me, followed by 45 minutes of constant talking, that patience quickly fizzles. I dislike confrontation, especially being the instigator of it. But I tell you, I was about ready to use anything I could put my hands on as a weapon after saying "Guys, stop talking!".... twice

I have an automatic respect for teachers, it's just the way I am. I know from experience that it is hard to do your job when it seems like people dont want to be bothered. I also know how frustrating it can be when you need to concentrate to understand the basic idea of a topic, and something breaks said concentration.

On a similar note...
One teacher (different class) recieved abusive mail because of her apparent lack of ability at shutting everyone up (to be honest, I suspect it's the same group). She was explaining it all to us, about what and why, and started crying, even though she was trying desperately not to. She's thin as a rake and looks pretty fragile at the best of times, let alone when shes been shaken, so it was heartbreaking to sit there and watch.
It made me furious - she isnt everyone's cup of tea, but to just ... be so spineless about it?! Really doesnt sit well. It still gets me riled up thinking about it.

At the same time, it was inspiring to see student after student raise their hand or stand up and tell her that she was doing a great job, and the students were full of it, and not to let it bother her, the class was better off without them showing up, closely followed by a huge round of applause from the 200 people in the room.
I dont think I'll ever forget that. It's only small, but it gives me hope.

(as does the fact that it's easy to trace emails sent from an Uni account, and the penalty for harassing other students or staff is not something you want to discover by experience)

In Social Psych we've been talking about social sanctioning, and how, when left to their own devices, some groups enforce their own rules (such stopping people pushing in at the bus stop) - I think the same applies with talking in lectures - you get told as a group once 'you want to talk, do it in the hall'. After that, it's up to everyone else to slap them on the back of the head and tell them to shut it.
... If only it were that simple.

Six More Days...

... until it's the 31st, and the end of Fortnight From Hell.
I've been trying to be good, and stay late in the library, missing dinner with the family, to get on top of things. For the most part, it works really well (libraries always seem to make me work just that little bit better). Having said that, I've managed to burn myself out, with 6 days til my last 2 major assignments are due. Ordinarily, 6 days is no issue whatsoever. One, an experiment report that pretty much confirms everything everyone else has already written on the sangers of being on one's phone while driving, is 2/3rds finished.
Meanwhile, the other one isnt actually that hard, it just takes motivation to write critically about the Adelaide Zoo enclosure of these little guys....

Who, by the way, come from here...

I know I'm plugging up the writing style here with photos, but I saw this and had a bit of a giggle... I didnt realise that Capybara were such an effective form of transport...

Hahahaha its like a cross between a wombat and a porcupine........

...Where was I.....
Ah yes. It feels like holidays, despite said assignments. Probably my brain giving itself a pat on the back for completing the other two (which were infinitley more stressful, despite being half the length)... and subsequently turning off for a full day.
Cheers, Brain. Still need you to function though.
Suspect that a bit of reading non-uni-related literature and an early bedtime might be in order, with a 9-9 plan of studying sorted out for tomorrow. Here goes nothing.

Monday, 24 October 2011

I have an overwhelming urge to go find a paintbrush and clean the gaps between the 'GUESS'  letters on my purse, so it looks newer.

Procrastination: The desire to do something, anything, instead of what you actually need to do at that particular moment in time.

Sunday, 23 October 2011

Just quietly: I had forgotten about the stress of having everything due, and feeling so inept at doing it.
I don't appreciate the reminder that is Assessment Fortnight.
Here's hoping I'm on the ball next year and have everything done a week early than intended.

Monday, 10 October 2011


So I haven't been around here for a while..... it's probably about time to kick it into gear. I started writing because I needed some way to ponder things aloud, where I'm just another person in a sea of millions.
Time has come to begin airing my mind again.

In a moment of oddly productive insanity a few weeks ago, I asked a guy I've liked for ages out for a drink. He said yes. I was ecstatic. Two weeks went by and he never called. I'd given up, then I got a message saying he was free to do something...... and has been busy ever since.

It's now a week and a half since then and my psych training is reminding me to look at the situation from a dozen different angles. Alas this means I'm developing multiple personalities, some kinder than others.

Needless to say, I'm frustrated that this is the first time I've ever gone so far out of my comfort zone to talk to a guy, and I'm left wondering if he's just too polite to say 'thanks, but I'm not interested'.
Chocolate and running take the place of obsessing, because we all know it's no good to ruminate on things that are out of your power to change. Mind you, I'm sure that if I cut out the chocolate, I'd be dropping kilos rather than fighting against gaining them. And so I join the plight of billions of other women around the world.

I'm new to this  game, and hopeless at talking to people that make me nervous, so I'm curious as to the where point of "just give up" lies, and whether I've far surpassed it without even realising.
Sad, isn't it.

Monday, 29 August 2011

TV shows never tell you how much the drama actually impacts a person.
They say that you should decorate to show who you are. Traditionally I have my bedroom walls covered in art, pictures i've found, or drawn, as well as quotes, schedules, maps........ all sorts.
It's been in its last configuration for more than a year and a half.

Yesterday I pulled it all down. My walls are stark, and huge, and bare. Everything looks bottom-heavy - all this free space.
If I could pull apart my room, I would. Problem is, I have to be able to find things later, and it's more than a 1 day job.

Need to clean out my life. Things, people, everything.

Sunday, 14 August 2011

I like books. They give me the ability to immerse myself in another world when my own becomes too difficult to live in for any length of time.
Unfortunately, once the all the pages are read and the back cover closes, it's back to reality once more

And nothing seems to have changed.

Friday, 12 August 2011

West Wing

It's embarrassing, how I've manged to go from writing multiple times daily, to nothing for months at a time.
Partially, this is because I started another private-access one, only to realise that most of it amounts to me complaining about something. So I stopped.
Perhaps it's just laziness. I've got enough time to do other things, so why should a 10-minute writing session be excluded from daily routine?
So here I am.

After the departure of a certain boyfriend, I find myself with enormous amounts of spare time, even with Uni going into it's 4th week for the semester. So, like most normal people, I compensate by watching copious amounts of television. Since there's not really anything of substance on there of a weeknight, I've resorted to watching season-after-season of things we have floating around the house. Over the course of a year, I've managed to absorb 15 seasons of Stargate. However, since my initiation into the SG club was by B, this time, it's the West Wing - a parent-based initiative.
Originally used as a way to stop thinking about what was going on in reality, it has rekindled my love of the series, and after only 3 weeks, I'm halfway through season 6 (of 7).
My friends look at me funny when I say that my night consists of dinner and episodes of said programme. Probably because it doesn't involve fictitious creatures, spaceships, or ridiculous, superficial reality TV (Jersey Shore, anyone?).
It's smart. I understand more than when it was first on TV, but still only comprehend about 80% of whats going on - I, the humble Aussie, have no doubt that much of this is due to the fact that it's based on the American Government.
Still, it's inspiring in a way that reality isn't. Suppose that's why many people watch the more... educated? Literate? Programs - they offer an alternative, or at the very least, something to think about.

If you're at all interested in politics, people, or just something better than Reality TV, I'd recommend West Wing to anyone.

Wednesday, 1 June 2011

It shocks me, the inattentiveness of others.
I have students in class with me who sit there for a good 10 minutes with their hands in the air, waiting to ask a question. This, in itself, is fair enough - questions are encouraged. It's when the lecturer finally lets them ask the question.... and it could be answered by what they've just said. They seem to sit there for that whole time, so absorbed in what theyre going to ask, that they miss the answer.
Very frustrating.

Even moreso are the online forums we have. Some are created for help with specific assignments. I read all the replies because the lecturer puts some very helpful info in there. Also in there, however, is repeat after repeat if stupid question - you'd think that they've not even bothered to see if someone's already asked their question. If it's irritating as a student...
I can understand why teachers get so short-tempered.

Tuesday, 31 May 2011

Sometimes I get asked about things, or to do things, or to help do things by someone else.

This often happens when I'm sitting under a precariously-balanced laptop, surrounded by papers, usually on a bed. In summary: not an easy place to extract myself from without disrupting/damaging something.
Other times I'll be in the middle of concentrating, or deep in thought.
Apparently these are not reason enough to refrain from posing the request.

Usually, I can't help but think, "Do it yourself, you lazy sod."
Heaven forbid I should die and everyone would have to do everything for themselves.

Or they'd just pull the helpless card on some poor unsuspecting soul.

Tuesday, 24 May 2011

Things Not To Say To Your Son's Girlfriend #62

"I'm practically a virgin again, theres so many cobwebs down there from disuse"

Wednesday, 18 May 2011

Welcome to my disproportioned life.

It's embarrassing how much I've come to rely on someone else. I used to be the strong one, who outwardly rejected any help I was ever offered. Now I'm here more vulnerable than ever, and I'm being hit on two fronts...

I'm not accustomed to feeling out of my depth when it comes to study. I'm a stress head, yes. Very much so, in fact, I stress enough for me and my boyfriend and one of my friends put together, with some spare. But generally, after a few weeks, it clicks, and I get the concept, or i finish the essay, and everything's peachy.
Not this time. It's all so vague, with the end result meant to be so precise. I know where to start, but not how to do so. I have everything I need to finish this entire report tonight.... but lack the skills to put it together.
Statistical reports are NOT my forte, put it that way. It's just practice, I know.... It's just a lot harder than I thought. And like I said, I'm not used to feeling .... well, for lack of a better comparison..... I feel slow. I feel stupid. It's not a hard concept, so WHY CANT I UNDERSTAND IT?!

The fact that I have the flu doesn't help - my brain's fine in the evening, I'd even go so far to say back to normal... and yet I'm super sluggish during the day, to the point where I'm barely fighting off sleep in every lecture.
Maybe I've actually been bitten by the nocturnal bug. Night school here I come!

And through it all, when I get scared, or overly freaked out, there's only one person I turn to. Even though he isn't strictly qualified to 'help', and often he says the wrong thing, or doesn't know what to say at all..... He bears the brunt of my outbursts, he understands, and he sees. And even when I may as well have wrapped myself in barbed wire, I'm feeling so hostile, he still moves my laptop of my knees and hugs me, because he knows that inside, it's all I want.

But he's not here. He's on a trip for work, and though he's back in 2 days, for almost an entire year, I've not spent one week without him. We live out of eachothers pockets, so this is hard.
Doubly so because of all the above reasons.

On a totally unrelated note, I've had bad knees for a while, and not known why. It's become bad enough that mum took me to a podiatrist the other day. Turns out that I'm actually incapable of bending my legs straight, they roll inwards at a really strange angle. So this means off to the physiotherapist to work out exactly why my legs are rotated to an angle other than perfectly straight.
On my birthday.
Whoopty fucking yay. Way to welcome in my 19th year. Being told I'm physically inadequate.
Only to be followed two days later with me spilling my guts with 2 possible results: being told to suck it up and stop being a baby because i'm overreacting, or being sent to a psychologist because there is something more to this than we know.

I know it's only 48 hours, and I'm being ridiculous, but when all you want to do is the only thing you can't.......
It makes it unbearable.

I miss my cure-all cuddles.

Tuesday, 17 May 2011

This Weeks Forecast

Wednesday: Cold with a chance of frostbite in the morning, warming to frustrated, mostly bored in the afternoon and returning to lonely later in the evening. Dinner unknown.
Thursday: Warnings for extreme confusion, probably due to a Statistics class late morning, but mood increasing with lunch from favourite cafe relatively soon afterwards. Followed by possible giggles, but has the potential to go the other way and turn into frustration. Dinner unknown.
Friday: Sleep-in predicted until mid-morning, art-related gusts of hot air turning into an extended stretch of both excitement and exhaustion in the early evening, which should last until around midnight. Dinner: Indian*

 *yes, thats right, i'm eating an Indian for dinner. but hey, after almost 3 days of unknown food sources, perspectives begin to change.....
Saturday: Early morning fogginess followed by several hours of insanity, possibly work-related. Evening forecasted to be extremely relaxing, possibly even lucky with the chance of a long hot bath. Dinner presently unknown but certain to be at a restaurant.
Sunday: Who knows yet, it's all a surprise apparently.

.... Did I mention it's my birthday on the 23rd? Hence the surprise the day before...

Thursday, 12 May 2011

Babies, and making them.

You know what freaks me out?
People I know having babies.
Keeping in mind that the age range of my social circle is around about 4 or 5 years in both directions, it alarms me to see people my age with tiny offspring.
Not in the "people your age shouldnt be having sex let alone children you're barely out of childhood yourself" kind of way, but in the "wow, that could be me in a few years" kinda way.
Motherhood scares and fascinates me. I have no doubt that of the three kiddies, I'll be the one with a tribe of genetic one-halfers following me around.
.... that's possibly the absolute strangest name I've ever used to refer to children...
My boyfriends cousin had a bub, even though the baby's daddy left her for her bestie and has since got another 2 girls knocked up (someone needs to sterilise him before he spreads any more of his bad seed) (should also like to note that this is what i've been told, i mayt have heard it wrong, but either way, you can see my point: he's a yuck.)
I think it's wonderful that she decided to have the baby and give it the best life she can. No doubt, some people will think that its better of for young mums to abort, or give them away or... something.

I often think about how i'd go about it if i found out i had one in the oven. Knowing full well that I can't support 2 people on 300/week, i'l probably abort it. But at the same time...... it would be a piece of me and of (im presuming) my boy. I don't mean to get overly sappy here, but to have a physical representation of how we feel for eachother, and knowing that he'd never walk out on his kid.... I wouldn't give it up for the world.
Not saying i'm going to go and destroy my current lifestyle by creating Livvy2.0,  but still. It's comforting to have one less thing to be afraid of.

One day, though, one day......

Wednesday, 11 May 2011

    light is not a dream
        darkness does not exist
            and the game of life can be won
                when you decide never to be defeated "

-- The slogan on what I think is a religious blog.
Loses points for that, but still, I think its lovely.

Sunday, 1 May 2011

Lives on a screen

Why do people deem it necessary to publish their every action onto things like twitter and facebook... or even worse -- the link between the two? Isn't there something better to do with their lifes like, oh, I don't know, actually live it?


That, and it's clogging up my newsfeed.............

Saturday, 12 March 2011

I love this song. It makes me feel a bit better about myself, because I'm like this girl he's singing about.
 Mind you, at the same time it just makes me feel more and more confused about my current situation.
Still. It's pretty :)

"A Beautiful Mess"
Jason Mraz

You've got the best of both worlds
You're the kind of girl who can take down a man,
And lift him back up again
You are strong but you're needy,
Humble but you're greedy
And based on your body language,
And shoddy cursive I've been reading
Your style is quite selective,
though your mind is rather reckless
Well I guess it just suggests
that this is just what happiness is

Hey, what a beautiful mess this is
It's like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write
Kind of turn themselves into knives
And don't mind my nerve you could call it fiction
But I like being submerged in your contradictions, dear
'Cause here we are, here we are

Although you were biased I love your advice
Your comebacks ‒ they're quick
And probably have to do with your insecurities
There's no shame in being crazy,
Depending on how you take these
Words that paraphrasing this relationship we're staging

And what a beautiful mess, yes it is
It's like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you say
Kind of turn themselves into blades
And the kind and courteous is a life I've heard
But it's nice to say that we played in the dirt
'Cause here, here we are, here we are
Here we are [x7]

We're still here
What a beautiful mess this is
It's like taking a guess when the only answer is "Yes"

Through timeless words and priceless pictures
We'll fly like birds not of this earth

And tides ‒ they turn ‒ and hearts disfigure
But that's no concern when we're wounded together

And we tore our dresses and stained our shirts
But it's nice today. Oh, the wait was so worth it.

Wednesday, 9 March 2011

Uni's Back =]

There are times when I love sitting in the library for hours, alone at a table where I can spread, sort, and re-spread all my things. It's amazing how fast a 2x2m table can be covered when it's my seat of choice. Wednesdays I have 3 hours to kill between lectures and tutorials. Seeing as I'm a week behind in the readings thanks to my books being late, I figured it would be a good chance to catch up. This is all well and good..... until we get to stats.
It's not that its boring, tedious, and in a slightly weird font.... it's that I've heard almost all of it before, and the odd times I do skip paragraphs.... or..... pages as the case has been sometimes, theres a couple of sentences that are actually relevant. Just can't win on that one. Would seem I'm left with no option but to reread everything.
The fact that the group learning wing (or as i like to call it - the side with beanbags and noise) has interesting paintings adorning each wall, and often, well, weird conversations floating through the air.... it's pretty easy to find a reason to stop reading about the ethics of conducting research.
For example..... I got to hear about the lifestyle of another student (in relation to questions from an assignment i myself had just finished writing), and stare in quiet thought at a photorealistic painting of a crouched woman on a blue background. Did I mention she's also stark naked? Further down theres a black/white airbrushed thing which looks like someone's put a giant line of masking tape through the middle for no reason.
Theres also a watercolour of the Coorong, and a strange perspective painting of a childrens room, at least 2.5m x 2.5m.
All the same things to me as last year. just as familiar. Doesnt stop me wondering how the hell they picked a naked lady to crouch amongst children.

I've done some quick maths about homework loads this year and almost had a freakout. I'm expecting stomach ulcers by the end of november if this keeps up. They certainly hit the ground running in 2nd year. I mean, I do like weekly assessments, because it means there isnt a huge one at the end.... but its still irritating how much extra effort is involved in researching 8 or so different topics.
Not to mention the $$$ I need for art supplies each week. Feel the most unprepared for that one. I'm out of practice of keeping an art diary........ I'm so into words these days that I forget to draw a lot of the time, whereas my tutor is drawing like....ALL THE FREAKING TIME. Shes doing it even when she talks to us sometimes. I wonder if she realises she's doing it??
Maybe I'll end up like that - the slightly eccentric one, who's always interesting, but slightly...... odd. At all times.
maybe I'm already like that.
With all the work we have to do I think I might go crazy if I don't get it in some distinct order soon.

Heres hoping I survive the semester.

Monday, 28 February 2011


I feel a rant coming on. Well, not so much a rant, as an... observation. A facebook-related observation. Anyone who knows about FB also knows that you can 'Like' pages, and anyone/everyone can create such pages.
I scroll through websites dedicated to spamming my newsfeed with this rubbish occasionally to see whats happening. They're a pretty good indicator of social opinion.
On the top are Justin Bieber, boyfriend/girlfriend jokes, and comments about 'slut' this and 'slut' that.
I choose not to know much about the Bieber Fever purely because it just ain't my style.
The second, I look at, and either smile and ignore, or find distasteful and ignore....
The third however, tugs at my mindstrings, niggling away. Probably because it's something I feel very strongly about. 'It' being a combined cocktail of calling people names just for the sake of it, disloyalty, and an overal sense of what-is-the-world-coming-to?!
I hate the word slut. I got called it in year 8 - at the age of 12- because I was in a bad mood with my best friend. I dont know about you, but the name doesn't fit the description to me... And I figure, unless it directly impacts on your personal relationship with that person, if they want to do whatever with whoever, thats their perogative. Better that they get the STD's rather than me.
Certainly, there is a degree of composure required whilst in public. I would go so far as to say that anything more than a snog is out of bounds, but hey, a persons private life is that - private.....
Until it's posted all over facebook.

Which brings me back to the original catalyst for me writing: A Like page that was written in response to a response to one that said 'this facebook user [hyperlink] is a slut'. The response-response simply said 'thats the default for ALL facebook users, you idiot.'. I smiled at the sillyness, because the original complainer outlined all this information about why she wasnt the town bike and that she'd only 'done it with two guys because they were boyfriends and thought I loved them'. Also points out that she's only 17. Which makes for a whole nother can of worms.
But aside from all the /facepalm-ing and /headdesk-ing hilst reading these (they got progressively worse), it got me wondering..... at what point was it suddenly necessary to post outrage of a personal nature, on a space which the world can see?
I wouldn't want people to know about the really crappy things that have happened in my life, or about the not-so-nice things i've said absent-mindedly, so why would I put them online? The general consensus is that to do something online rather than in person is gutless and just poor form......
add to that the compulsive necessity to broadcast little events that are, really, meaningless, and I begin to wonder whether we're all turning into exhibitionists, that facebook just fuels the desire to feel important, and that everyone cares what youre doing at  any given moment.

Final note-
There's also a lot about fake vs real people. i think it's funny, because theres so many different angles to take on it that i'm not sure where to begin. there's the 'youre just jealous' angle, the 'this is my personal style' angle, the 'you do this therefore you MUST be a 13 year-old whore' (which ties in with above).
It's all stereotyping to the max. It's frustrating.
/ignores it
However, as my lovely boyfriend has pointed out, after i complained about wanting to look like someone in a music video even though they're photoshopped and edited, people who look like that, are often hollow BECAUSE they look like that. They don't need much else other than their absolutely stunning looks and ability to raise tents in the trousers of men they walk past. Although this too is a stereotype (probably designed to make us mortals feel a bit better).
The teenagers who are wearing all this skimpy clothing are just conforming to the times. Just like I had overalls as a kiddie.
It's a while before we'll be able to actually understand the long-term impact that social networks and sexualised media have on a generation, but we'll get there, for better or for worse.

Here's hoping we don't all end up committing the ultimate insult: de-friending sanity

Wednesday, 16 February 2011

Feeling like a rollercoaster at the moment. I want to run, actually. Run as fast as I can; because when I run, it's all there is. I don't have to feel like this. I can push it all out through my feet, through my legs, through the stitch that forms in my side.
Run as far as I can, as fast as I can, until I'm gasping, and seriously wondering if I have asthma, doubled over, but trying to keep standing. Opens the lungs, you see, makes it easier to breathe.
I feel like I did when I was 16, pent up in this room, no escape. The problem is that I DO have an escape now. I don't want to drive away.
I want to run. But it's night. And apparently it isn't safe at night. Apparently. The only issue I've ever had, was losing my footing because unlike the suburbs, there isn't always ample lighting along the paths, if there is one at all.

For no reason, my hackles are raised, and the Jealousy rears its hideous head. And, really, it isn't unreasonable, now that i think about it.
I was betrayed, and my trust was lost. It's like the small child who touches a flame - they get burnt, it hurts. So they learn to be wary of it, and things like it - we all know fire comes in different forms.
So ex girlfriends, all of them, are the enemy.
Because when the moment dies, and we go our separate ways, there is the constant question of what he's doing, where he is, and with who.

And so I run. To make me feel like I can actually change something.

Valentines Day

It, as the title suggests, was valentines day this Monday past. I feel a post is in order, purely because I got to actually DO something on it. I can appreciate why people are so against its commercialised image, and why the single, rejected, and lonely people despise it, if only because it is a reminder of things they do not have.
Myself..... I think it's a fabulous excuse to go do something sappy and romantic with someone.
Alternatively, go to the beach en masse with friends to celebrate that kind of love rather than a relationship.

As for my own night......

I am a walker. I like hiking, and nature, and all the things that come with it. I like the rush of exhilaration when you reach the top, look out over it all, and know with absolute certainty that the 4 hours it took to get there was worth every bit.
And so I am told to meet my B at a shopping centre. He buys us dinner - to takeaway, of course- and then leads me to the bottom of a conservation park. He points to the top of the cliff face, "See that? That's where we're going." I smile, I'm excited, even despite the failing light, even despite maybe missing the sunset. But off we go, up the wide gravel path, detouring at a Danger sign, to head up the very top. In under 20 mins. It's beautiful.
The sky changes colour every time we look away, then back at it, as pasta is carefully eaten, spillage-free.
Wasn't too hot, or too cold, and the wind was just right.....
And when the sun finally set, the city lit up, as though it was trying to copy the stars. We pointed out different roads, which ones went where, and tried to see home from our perch.
Eventually, we figured we should go back, considering it was nearing 10, and the walk back wasnt going to be easy in the dark.
Got home, watched an episode of stargate, fell asleep in his arms, as was always going to be the case.
Seriously one of the best nights i've had with him in a long time.

Friday, 11 February 2011

The way the world's heading

It's been a while....
I've been lazy.
And absent -- Let's face it, spending most of your life away from the computer (with the exception of the occasional late nights at home, of course), marks less posts. However, it also should be cause for more inspiration.
True...... and false......

Really, i just catch myself having a whinge to the cleaner at work about the things i normally write about - the way fashion and music are changing, to the point where we'll soon be walking aroung wearing nothing but nipple tassels and 10-inch-high stripper heels, listening to the equivalent of an autotuned cymbal-clapping monkey.

Oh wait........ Rihanna and Ke$ha are the top 40 charts.........

It appears I am a little late in voicing my concern if they're the role models for teenage girls.
Goodness me I feel old, complaining about how it was when I grew up.
Maybe this is because I never really felt the need to be a fashion follower. By which i mean have any sense of it at all until the age of 16 (and even then.... =\...)
You may rest your worried souls in the knowledge that I'm actually getting good at it now.

Anyways. My point is -- skimpy clothes. softcore porn to a beat as music., and they wonder why girls are growing up faster, looking older younger, whoring themselves out before theyre 15 (not that it's okay after then, but you get my point).

I quote, from Dirty Talk by Wynter Gordon (Note: Spelling!)
Blindfold, feather bed,
tickle me, slippery,
G spot,nasty pose,
in a video,
love machine, by myself,
climax,hot wax
S&M on the floor, i like it hardcore



Not that I have a particular genre of music, but I'll pass on that one, thanks.
And on the tiny tiny shorts on girls who, lets face it, shouldn't be trying to copy their size 6 counterparts. Some styles are designed purely for the stick-thin, rather than the curvy ladies.

This really is going to be a night of griping so i'll keep each topic to its own post.

Tuesday, 18 January 2011

It's a gnawing feeling in your stomach - the knowledge of wanting something you cannot have. And yet, you are sure that if you really wanted to chase after it, you would be successful. So why not?
Something holds you back - duty, is it? Apathy? The constant reminder that you could be forcing the situation, or creating one that shouldn't exist.........
And all it is, comes down to one look. One confusing look that you're not sure to take as neutral, affirmative, or politely humouring you - polite only because that is the nature of others towards you in this situation. You quiestion whether you see a flicker of something purely out of your own imagination, or is it actually there? The only way to discover this is to take the leap and risk embarrassment, which, when it comes down to it, isn't really worth it.
And with that nonconfirming look, memories flash by, faster and faster, until you shake your head to rid yourself of them, and the moment is lost. You distance yourself, retreat back into your own thoughts, and things return to the way they were, with silence and the occasional sideways glance, cheeky grin, and slap away of a hand or flying object directed at your head.
Such is the way of friends.

Be warned...

Lost your pen = no pen
No pen = no notes
No notes = no study
No study = Fail
Fail = no diploma
No diploma = no work
no work = no money
no money = no food
no food = you get skinny
you get skinny = then you get ugly
Ugly = no love
no love = no marriage
no marriage = no children
no children = alone
alone = depression
depression = sickness
sickness = death

While there are several issues with this continuum, I'm afraid I must agree with the final conclusion:

Don’t lose your pen, you will die.

Monday, 17 January 2011

"What's on your mind?"

It's the invitation to create a Facebook status, staring at me from the screen. At which point, a gazillion things flash into my conscious, and 99% are better left to myself. There's the angry comments, the I-told-you-so's, the stupidly lame ones, the boring ones, the freakishly inappropriate, the declarations of the blindingly obvious......

which one to pick?
in the end, it's always the same - a cryptic revelation as to what's going on, without ever really saying what, secretly hoping that someone talks to you about it, like this is somehow an indication they care.

Instead, there's the dozens of people who see it and move on, with their own thoughts, if any. No doubt few are kind.

It's like a notice board for your life, for people to pick through, without knowing what's really going on. Same with fb friends. Do I know them? Yes, perhaps. Am I friends with them?
....... not really.

Therein lies the ultimate question - to keep the people i've met, but am not close with, or to remove them all, and be left with like... 30 people.
Sounds like a good plan to me.
A safer plan, where you can actually say what's on your mind.

Or better yet -- pick up the phone and call someone.

Wednesday, 12 January 2011

All it Takes is Patience

I feel conflicted, analysing myself, contradicting myself. Pros and cons aren't the same anymore, and traditional attributes don't apply, yet.... I'm still me, aren't I?
Not having uni work to distract my mind is leaving me at a loose end, as is the unwavering repetition of working at least 5 shifts a week doing the same thing. The only exception is the time I start. If it was the same opening shift all week, I reckon I'd be alright, but it isn't. So I'm all over the place and at the same time dying of doing the same thing over and over again.

I take solace in my friends, knowing that they come see me, and I them, and it's fun of the distracting nature. But then the car pulls away, off into the distance, and silence settles on the house again, allowing the napping thoughts to stir, and gently poke their way back into my conscious mind, reminding me of feelings I oughtn't feel, and thoughts that needn't exist.

When I was younger, it all had to happen then and there, and patience wasn't a virtue of mine. Certainly, I've mastered it to a degree since then, but impatience and a flair for the dramatic still flows through my veins. This alone tempts me to act, rather than think, because thinking hurts my head (ah, the irony).

It's a case of want, vs need, vs should, and right now they're all being skewed.

I don't feel like myself lately. Maybe it's the knowledge that I'm not doing anything to help my fellow person, even though I want to (the usual lame excuse of not having time fits in, but i figure.. if i have time to fart around on facebook, I have time for other things)
I feel I should be doing art of some kind, some painting, drawing, photograpy, or interpretive dance or.... something.
It always made me feel better when I was feeling like this at school, I just need to focus my mind on it more than I have been, to get past this nasty brush-block.
A big part of my problem is that I can't see the end of one road, but I can see further down the current path, and then it becomes foggy and confused. Must be my mindset getting in the way.

All it takes is patience.

Thursday, 6 January 2011

New Years

I am well aware that this comes 6 days late, but hey, we all have things to do, and yours truly is no different.
Really, I havent had the time, or the will, to think about things in general until now (payback for being up early every morning thanks to work, even when I'm not actually working).

Last year's been one of the biggest upheavals in my life since...... well, ever. Only to be superseded by birth, I suppose.
I got asked yesterday whether uni was a big change from school. I just laughed.
Understatement of the century, right there. There's only so much prep one can recieve without having someone already in the system to help. It took just about the whole year to get into the swing of it, but now that I'm here..... I love it. I don't know what will happen when I graduate ........ But thats 3 years away, so I'll worry about that in 2.

I fell in love for the first time, and I've had my heart trampled, broken, and healed. I've made mistakes, some that I can't ever change for the better.
There's been fights of epic proportions, to the point of packing up to leave (to where, I didn't know). There's been a stronger temptation to drive off a cliff than there ever was, and now I have the capability, it was all the easier.
And yet, I found smiles, laughs, friends. Best friends, that I can trust, rely on, and speak frankly with.
I found the love of my life.
I discovered the wonderfully hazy world of nightclubs. And their price.
I've learnt independance, and prioritising.- with the exception of facebook.

Despite all this, I've not spent one week straight in my own bed since June, and it's had its toll: I've had a persistent sense of displacement, that I live out of my car, and not a house.
While not strictly true.... It kinda is.

I need to ask, though, what's with the new fashion of wearing tops that come up to your boobs and a totally bare midriff?
Kiddies are wearing it when they shouldnt, and when it doesnt suit them.
Welcome to the world of stick people and oversexualised children.

Every year, the world changes a little bit more. Sometimes, it's a lot more. But I'm not sure that I like it.
The only thing I can do is keep being me, and don't let anything compromise this. Not even clothes, not even people. And then sit back and see where this life is leading, and pray that we don't kill ourselves on the way.