Wednesday, 18 May 2011

Welcome to my disproportioned life.

It's embarrassing how much I've come to rely on someone else. I used to be the strong one, who outwardly rejected any help I was ever offered. Now I'm here more vulnerable than ever, and I'm being hit on two fronts...

I'm not accustomed to feeling out of my depth when it comes to study. I'm a stress head, yes. Very much so, in fact, I stress enough for me and my boyfriend and one of my friends put together, with some spare. But generally, after a few weeks, it clicks, and I get the concept, or i finish the essay, and everything's peachy.
Not this time. It's all so vague, with the end result meant to be so precise. I know where to start, but not how to do so. I have everything I need to finish this entire report tonight.... but lack the skills to put it together.
Statistical reports are NOT my forte, put it that way. It's just practice, I know.... It's just a lot harder than I thought. And like I said, I'm not used to feeling .... well, for lack of a better comparison..... I feel slow. I feel stupid. It's not a hard concept, so WHY CANT I UNDERSTAND IT?!

The fact that I have the flu doesn't help - my brain's fine in the evening, I'd even go so far to say back to normal... and yet I'm super sluggish during the day, to the point where I'm barely fighting off sleep in every lecture.
Maybe I've actually been bitten by the nocturnal bug. Night school here I come!

And through it all, when I get scared, or overly freaked out, there's only one person I turn to. Even though he isn't strictly qualified to 'help', and often he says the wrong thing, or doesn't know what to say at all..... He bears the brunt of my outbursts, he understands, and he sees. And even when I may as well have wrapped myself in barbed wire, I'm feeling so hostile, he still moves my laptop of my knees and hugs me, because he knows that inside, it's all I want.

But he's not here. He's on a trip for work, and though he's back in 2 days, for almost an entire year, I've not spent one week without him. We live out of eachothers pockets, so this is hard.
Doubly so because of all the above reasons.

On a totally unrelated note, I've had bad knees for a while, and not known why. It's become bad enough that mum took me to a podiatrist the other day. Turns out that I'm actually incapable of bending my legs straight, they roll inwards at a really strange angle. So this means off to the physiotherapist to work out exactly why my legs are rotated to an angle other than perfectly straight.
On my birthday.
Whoopty fucking yay. Way to welcome in my 19th year. Being told I'm physically inadequate.
Only to be followed two days later with me spilling my guts with 2 possible results: being told to suck it up and stop being a baby because i'm overreacting, or being sent to a psychologist because there is something more to this than we know.

I know it's only 48 hours, and I'm being ridiculous, but when all you want to do is the only thing you can't.......
It makes it unbearable.

I miss my cure-all cuddles.

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