Sunday, 28 February 2010

Went to Soundwave. It was amazing. That is all I can say on it. Goodbye.

Thursday, 25 February 2010

**A Work In Progress **

It's quiet but for the hiss of escaping gas and air, a stark contrast to the squeal and shriek from moments before. The birds are silent, scared away by the sudden disturbance, much louder than an engine. No one is around to come running, it's too remote for this. A car flies past, ignoring the sight, and the occupant thinks hateful thoughts towards the driver who didn't even stop to look.
A number is dialled by a hand barely coherent enough to complete it.
'Triple 0 emergency services, what service are you after and for what state?"
"Trace call, dont know where I am. Car crash. In SA. Need ambulance'
And the line goes dead. The man at the other end of the line, however, is already moving, sending information to the closest relevant people, including the gps location of the phone call he just received.

The driver stays where he is , bloody and broken, breathing as carefully as he can bring himself to do. He knows it could be a while before anyone finds him, but he cannot move. Despite his past hardship, he was always a fairly lucky person, avoiding speed guns when he needed to be somewhere in a hurry, winning at the pokies every now and again, scoring girls, drugs and drinks just by being in a place of an evening, bumping into someone that ended up hiring him. Always the envy of his mates, they could never work out how he got such good fortune. Not today.

Abe Montgomery ran to his ambulance, calling to his partners, who were pulling jackets on close behind him. 'this info better be correct, or this guy's fucked,' he thought to himself as he jumped in the drivers seat and set the ignition, flipped on the lights and siren and sped off in the direction his gps was pointing. It wasn't too far, thankfully, but the road was winding, and Abe wasn't sure if the caller would be alive by the time they got there - one-person crashes were often people that did it on purpose, or were too inexperienced to know that its stupid to go 80, or faster, on these roads. The medic next to him looked between him and the road ahead as he radioed someone, Abe had lost track of whether it was the police, fire, or base - his job was to get there as fast as they could without having an accident themselves, so this was all he was focussed on. The ambulance rounded a final bend and met the straight. 'This is the killer, right here' he thought to himself: almost all the accidents he ever attended on this road were within a kilometre of this long straight - perfect for racing. Sure enough, they reached the end of it, rounded the corner that completed the straight, and there it was, a lancer, its bonnet wrapped around a tree a fire engine already at the scene, four men moving like ants among the coming rain, preparing the Jaws, assessing whether the car will explode.
"The driver's legs'll be caught under that" Grear said, addressing Abe directly for the first time since hooking up with the radio.
"Did they say if anyone else was there?"
"Nah, no mention yet, we'll soon see, but there's going to be either no one else .... or a car load - look," He replied as the ambulance pulled up, pointing at the distinctive square of red and white plastic in the bottom left corner of the cracked rear window.
"Shit, another one?!"
He nodded as he opened the door and went to the back, while Abe and two other medics ran over to the driver's now-crumpled door, where a fireman began talking fast as his team took off the door with a horrendous squeal of scraping metal and hissing hydraulics, "He's barely conscious, in bad shape, needs hospital asap, legs are trapped, but not crushed, we're trying to get to them now, so we can pull him out."

The driver moaned in pain as the noise shot through his brain, blocking out all else temproarily while the remaining glass in the door frame shattered. All he could see was a spider web covering the safety-glass windscreen, and hear the air compressor, and shadows, rushing around trying to get him out, as the world went black.

"He's coding! Get him OUT'!"
"Will he bleed out?"
"He's dying either way"

Movement, a searing pain he's never experienced in his life, and then he's on a bed, jolted back into life, barely. Abe starts the engine, the same as before, but this time, Grear is in the back with Coren and Smith , making sure their guy doesn't die on them. Again. The paddles had saved him once, they may not again.
In Grears 15 years, he'd noticed a general rule: people this bad shape don't make it to hospital, let alone live through the surgery to piece them together. But this young man seemed to be the exception to the rule:

He lived.

Tamara was watching a movie with her daughter when the phone rang. Untangling herself from the sleeping child, she picked up, smiling, "Hello?"
"Is this Ms Tamara Ridley?"
"Yes, to whom am I speaking?"
"Detective John Williams ma'am, I'm afraid there's been an accident involving a car registered in your name and a young man. How fast can you get to the RAH?"
Everything went black for a moment, as she hung up the phone, only to pick up her daughter and run next door, "Alex, I need you to take us to the RAH. Michael's there."
He needed no further instruction.

The hospital was a big place for someone so unfamiliar with the identical corridors, but Alex was better acquainted with the system, taking Tamara by the hand and walking straight to the front desk. "We're looking for someone that's just come in, Michael Ridley?"

A police officer's ears pricked up at the mention of Ridley, and he moved away from his partner and to the young family that just rushed in, complete with a rather displeased-looking child.
"Ms Ridley? I'm Det. Williams, I spoke to you on the phone earlier... before you hung up on me. I figured you'd end up here. Let me explain the situation," He said, silencing her before she had a chance to ask, "About an hour ago, a call came in from a car accident involving one male, in a car that was registered under your name. We're sssuming he's your son?"
She nodded blankly, "Is he okay?"
"In a word, no. But the doctors here are doing everything they can. The waiting room's around the corner if you'd like to wait there, I'm sure someone will be in to see you shortly about what's going on."


Word travels surprisingly fast for such a large place, and within an hour, Michael's friends were hearing the news. Some immediately began the drive from an hour out of town to meet his mother at the hospital, while others gathered together elsewhere, hoping. Like most people, he had the odd enemy that passed on the knowledge with a gleeful bite, however these were rare. But like before, Michael was a lucky person - broken bones, some internal bleeding, but nothing that can't be fixed, and he was wheeled into a room several hours later, unconscious, but alive.


Holly's phone buzzed next to the television remote, a 'silent' indication of a text message from her friend Marianne: 'M in crash. RAH. don't know what cond.".
She never saw the programme return from an ad-break a moment later, she was already out the door.

Their relationship had never been the same since they broke up a year ago, and had almost lost contact in the months since, but a friend is a friend, and she loved him, and she now flew down the main road to town, terrified of what state he might be in.
After a lot of fussing with the front desk, she ran to the Intensive Care Unit. She skidded to a halt at the door, gripping the frame with her hands, breathing heavily. Seeing him there, unconscious and bandaged, with tubes and wires everywhere broke her heart. This was what had become of the invincible kid, the one that was the pillar of strength for everyone else? Who knew he was so...... breakable? Moving to his bedside, she crumples like paper, hand over her mouth and tears overflowing her eyes and rolling down her cheeks. Tamara wraps her in a hug, kissing her head, "It's good to see you Holly, it's a shame it took something so terrible to bring you back to us," She fought back tears, "He'll be glad to know you came"
"I'm not leaving," she replied, "Until he wakes up."

Wednesday, 24 February 2010

Favourite Pants

I'm feeling a little overwhelmed at the moment, because Uni starts on monday and I have no idea what's happening. Well, thats a lie. I just need it all in hard copy - the computer is brilliant for typing, but I hate reading on here, where I can't highlight things. At the moment, all I have to do is turn up and pray that I wasn't meant supposed to read a heap of things before-hand.
I'm reading the COMM 1033 information book thingy online and, after having read the same thing for another subject, I'm seeing that these assesment styles, rules and so forth aren't all the same. The only thing that seems to be constant is the grading weights - apparently I need to keep a GPA of 5.0 to stay in my course (any lower and I'm booted out of Honours and into Pass =\) but that's about a Credit's worth, which is 60 - 74%-ish. I was like, ".... Oh... is that all?"

Wow I felt conceited after realising I'd thought that.

But..... no one I want to chat to is online and so I can't talk to people about this at the current moment, sadly. My parents are out and it's very quiet in the house as we've all retired to our rooms to do whatever it is we do. I'm considering sticking in an Age of Empires CD, to pass the time til some such person DOES come online.

At the same time, I'm beginning to feel like I want to be left alone. I understand why some people are unsociable - indeed, I'm very much like this a lot of the time... and yet... I love being around people so much, at work, and with close friends, even just....... ah I don't know, I sleep better when there's someone else in the room, regardless of where in it or what they're doing there. I almost fell asleep on Matt's shoulder the other day because I was so content to just exist there.

I love that feeling of content emptiness that settles over my mind when I'm with people like him. It's not a 'Crap, I can't think straight when you're ......', like it was every time I'd look at Daniel's face, where I'd forget what I was saying or doing, it's more...... 'It doesn't matter, because we're here and safe and life is good'.

I'm wearing the trakkies April gave me, and I have since decided these are my favouritest ever pants, even over my $4 Op shop jeans that were, no joke, tailored exactly to my height (courtesy of someone using a pair of scissors before i nabbed them). It's funny how I could spend over an hour on getting dressed up, makeup, looking nice..... and yet I've never felt more ... beautiful? sexy? i don't know....... than in a good pair of track pants.

It brings back an image, which i'm certain isn't even real, of waking up in the morning, in just a singlet and trakkies, wandering out into the kitchen, seeing my partner there, and just grinning sleepily, and seeing that expression of love that says, 'Even with smudged last-night's-makeup under your eyes, bed hair, and old pants, you're still the most beautiful person I know.' And so, every time I look at myself in the mirror in these pants, I see that in my head and smile. And that's why they're my favourites.

Update: disappointment ends a perfect day.

I'm almost a little scared that the past is coming back to haunt me, but more on that later.
First, the boring formailities.

Had Uni orientation day yesterday. Wasn't nearly as bad as I'd been dreading, because I managed to meet up with someone I'd met at my formal.......last May. Ahhh the connections we make :) The weather was fantastic, but after 4 months of not concentrating for more than an hour or so at a time (work doesn't count), sitting in lectures that went non-stop for almost 3 was horrific. So, I skipped out early on the last lecture and went home to clean the pool. Yes, I am *that* cool.
The place is lovely, it's just going to be a challenge to find everything, be it classrooms, or lecture notes on the websites. I'm currently wrestling with the Counselling Foundations site after being told that it has course notes...... which it doesn't. I'll try tomorrow maybe, but I need them by Tues as these are the notes for then. =\

So, came home, cleaned a bit, whinged with mum about how the kiddies over the road are at home... AGAIN (In my eyes if a child - not a teenager, a single-digit-age child - is not sick, they should be at school. Apparently my neighbour feels differently, because these kids are just fine, or they're sick in some invisible fashion that allows them to be noisy and so forth in the front garden.) and then Matt came over.... 

*Random note, Gus is snoring something chronic - I never realised such a big noise could come from such a little animal!*
I'm never really sure how to act around him, so I guess honesty is the key here, because I have to be my own person, I can't just disappear into the background. But, I was tired, so I wasn't exactly going to be a bouncing ball of energy like I usually am when I'm around people I feel comfortable with. But yes, it was a very, very good day. I really like this kid, but a small dark evil side of my conscious keeps whispering 'are you sure'. My response: fuck off and let me be happy.

Now.... that first sentence..... It seems that no matter where I go, what I do, things come back to bite me in the arse. Constantly. I've since decided I'd like to keep school people and not-school people separate wherever possible, because it's the former I'd rather forget and the latter i need to get to know, and having shit spread about me from one to the other is not a good start. I guess that's what happens when you get put with a group of people you don't reeeeeally click with for 7 and a bit years, and grow up with them, and then have to move off into the world. I don't like it. More, I don't like the pleasure taken in picking bits off me, ala "ooh, did she actually do that?! omg, tell everyone!"
I figure, I'm me now, and I'm me from here on in, I don't want anything to do with people sensationalising my own private life, and I guess its a little reminder to keep my mouth shut and not talk to friends about things.
I hate that, because I'm a talker by nature, it comes with the desire for my efforts to be recognised. But that's another issue.

I'm just so disappointed that after it all, nobody's changed, not really, not at all, and Mum was right - don't trust them because they've done it before. Well, here's me saying that what I am is what I am, and what I do is for me only. Stuff everyone else. Stuff your gossiping. I don't need you.

Monday, 22 February 2010

Growing Up from Invisible to Someone

How do people find me? I'm just one relatively-insignificant voice in a cyberspace full of trillions of other pages, and yet, people from all over the world find me, and comment, or take note. Some people are interested enough to read what I write on a regular basis (see 'The Regulars'), and it's always rather exciting to see this number grow, from one, to five, to eight, to thirteen, to fifteen. Sure, some people like Single Parent Dad have almost 500 regulars, but hey, its a bigger audience, and a 'blog of note' - Kudos, by the way on that.
Most people know me, but some have no idea, courtesy of Googling 'little notepad' or something of a similar description, and of course Facebook. I think that's rather cool - woot for the internet :) And for readers :) *no sucking-up intended*

Around here, the population is relatively small..... but Adelaide suburbs range almost 100km north to south - and urban sprawl has almost linked Elizabeth with the rest of the metro area. Scary stuff, right there. We like our house-with-a-garden-and-white-picket-fence thing too much I think. This is okay with me because I'm far enough away, tucked behind the hills, that it doesnt bother me, and I get cheaper, better produce than the 'burbs :) *win*
:) sorry, I just love the Hills and have no intention of leaving to be closer to the city.

On somewhat Hills-related another note, Matt's coming over tomorrow and I am rather excited. I'm also excited that I now have friends in Mt Barker and closer to home rather than having to go into the city to see everyone. Before this, however, I have my Uni Orientation Day thing, and I'm terrified of it, primarily because I'm scared of being around strangers my own age. Grown-ups, I'm fine with, but people my own age and I freeze. I guess the best thing is that everyone else has little or no idea as well, and it's just a matter of finding Alissa (a friend of a friend) to talk to at lunch, and being friendly and asking to sit next to someone while in lectures. Not just this, but I have no idea how things work (hence the necessity of attending this day rather than working in the bakery.)
But.... My first lecture is in a week today, I got an email with the course outline booklet attached for my first ever uni lecture, and it all looks pretty warm an fuzzy for the first week, the coordinator seems lovely (though she has to deal with the babies of the higher-ed world, so lovely is a prerequisite.)


No joke, it scares me that much. Fuck, I can talk to 1000 people in an amptitheatre (doing that as a 14 year-old would kill ANYONE'S fear of public speaking), but I can't talk to one person. Methinks some decent comforting is going to be necessary afterwards. This is where Matt comes in.
Wheeeeeeeeee *floats around excitedly*. Seriously, it's a little scary how good being around this guy makes me feel. Such a nice change :)

I missed this feeling. It all balances out... but, truly..... I think I could be onto a good thing here.

Sunday, 21 February 2010

New beginnings.

It's this feeling that I miss the most, when you catch yourself smiling at nothing at all, when you take a peek at your thought process and realise that the majority of it has someone's name flying around and around and around.

I think I've finally let go enough to give what I gave to someone else.... Because new people are exciting, even if they're the most ordinary people on this earth, and I met new people that make me feel special. I'm not the most physically affectionate person in the world, I'm more content to receive hugs than initiate them, simply because that's the way it's always been with me and those around me. And yet, I feel the need to BE cuddly. It's all a little bit upside down.

A part of me wonders how much is real and how much is transference. Another part tells me to be patient and know him better to make sure this is going where I want it to go. The rest of me is just enjoying the attention and knowing that I'm wanted as a person. You get called perfect and its like 'yeah right, you just havent seen my flaws' but still, it's kinda nice to know that you made an impression.
Sad, I know.

But he's nice, really nice. No smokes, or drugs, and I'm just like.... yay!

I'm thinking 'yay' with everything I am at the moment. Cause all I have to do is get a message from this guy and it sends me flying and smiley and makes me think 'yeah, I deserve better than what I was pining after, there's better people out there, and I think I found one.'

Friday, 19 February 2010

I vote 'Bookshelf'

i think that today is going to be a relatively good day - it's going to be hot though so if i was sensible i would take the dog out for a walk now... but this means that the other one will go apeshit at being left home alone and lets face it, i can't control a hyper-excitable staffy and a ridgeback at the same time, regardless of how well behaved Rani is.

The gum trees are shedding their bark again - it's just that time of year, when summer heat isn't so potent and the sunny days begin to wane. The naked tree underneath is pale, totally the opposite of the bark it now removes. It's pockmarked, too. I can see it from here, 30 metres or so away, lots of little indents that would be strange to the touch. And, in three weeks, then the winds come by and strip them of the last remnants of yesteryear, they will stand anew, pale, tall, and a little bigger than before, ever growing, ever repeating the same cycle that is their life.

In my room, however, is another kind of shedding - its as though the storage containers have burst and it's spilling out in little clumps all over my room. There's a box which, ideally, I should put my shoes in because its just the right size. There's a bag of things I'm giving to the Salvos or goodwill or something, and then there's my desk. Heaven help me with that desk. It's not that it's terribly messy, there's just more stuff than I have space for whilst still being able to use it as exactly that. In part, its because I need a bookshelf - I have nowhere to put the rising number of volumes that are quickly overtaking said desk space.

To state the bleeding obvious, it's Friday. Already. Where did my week go?! I have no memory of what I did on Wednesday. At all. Had the high-achiever assembly at school on tuesday, went out and was busy busy all day..... and Wednesday..........

I cleaned my room. Ah yes. See, this really is becoming a 5-part saga, this whole cleaning of the room business. I need more space, and less stuff, but I use almost all my things. Hence dilemma.

I vote bookshelf.

Thursday, 18 February 2010

"Daddy, what's the name for the place under the kettle?"

So, I've spent the last 15 minutes fixing my space bar, which I broke yesterday whilst trying to clean under the keys.
Note to self: never take keys off again.

My friend nick told me that if we'd got together he wouldnt have left for the army. I'm not entirely sure what to think of this, because theres never been a good time for us TO get together. Mainly because he has a long term girlfriend, and the only time that he DIDNT, I was with james. Bloody waste of time THAT was. Though, I do love my phone. :) But.... It did make me feel sad. Mind you, for all the tension, I don't think we'd make a good couple. But still........ it was an interesting revelation to have come from the kid.

I'm going to a movie night at April's on Friday, consisting of Matt, April and I, and I'm rather excited. Mainly because I get to see Matt. Feel kinda bad about that being the primary reason for excitableness, but still...... I like him, and this is a bit of a revelation considering I've been down in the dumps for almost the entire year so far. I just don't want to get half way through, and then realise I didn't really want to go down that road, primarily because he's rather a fantastic person and I don't want to do that to him.

I have softball practice on Thursday. I'm kinda looking forward to it, kinda not - it's an awful lot harder than I remembered, or ever expected. No-shows, not listening, and my general ineptitude are not helping. I need to know exactly what I'm going to say before I open my mouth - I'm so used to people knowing what I mean when I say 'the thing's on the thing'. Not just that, but I don't actually know every girl on my list, courtesy of them not turning up to the game. Need to have a little chat about that, and the notion of people focussing on the game, rather than their phones.
I appreciate the seniors, who can literally train by themselves, no instruction necessary! Ahhhh those were the days. I still need a person to score, learned the hard way that I can't coach and score. It's too hard.

I had a rather odd dream last night, which I think was triggered by chatting about Age of Empires with Matt the evening before. Everything was falling apart, and I was in a tribal village, some people I knew from reality, others not. We were hiding from the bad guys in some kinda shack with puppies, and I was sitting cross-legged on a bench or table, and I leaned back and felt myself falling. It was a dream - I don't feel pain in dreams, but this HURT. In actual fact, I'd been sitting cross legged, facing the wall on the side of my bed, and leaned back, and fallen off, hitting my head on something, either the floor or my desk chair, and wow it hurt!

Sleep walking, talking, general shenanigans during the night are nothing new to me, or my siblings, for that matter. When I was younger, my dad would often find me looking for things in the linen cupboard. Indeed, I've caught myself in there recently. While I used to have no recollection of things, I now wake up enough to know I'm doing something for a reason, though when fully conscious, I'm not sure what that reason is. I've leant over my bed and looked under it in the middle of the night to see if April was under there. Finding she was not, and hence determining she was safe, I went back to sleep. I've sworn and abused people in the room if they try to talk to me whilst asleep; been upset over the fact that something (?) wasn't fair because my friend Hannah had legs and I didn't and thus she was cheating, and adamant that I need a colour scheme with palm trees in it. I've hurled my pillow as hard as I can across my room, disregarding the fact there are lots of fragile thing in my room, because I could have sworn there were spiders crawling up my arm from on it. I've woken up screaming from a man in the park lands trying to abduct me. No exaggerations here.
However, each sibling has their own speciality: moving around whilst asleep, seems to be my main issue. My brothers, however is yelling and chronic swearing. After scaring me half to death one night, it got to a point late in year 12 where I would stay up just to hear him go off at 10.45. Imagine this: a dead silent house, not even the dogs or dad are snoring, nothing from outside. The only light, life, in the house is in my room, with my bedlamp and me reading. Suddenly from the other end of the hall you hear "WHAT THE FUCK! WHAT THE FUCK!" and then something about your sister, then nothing. Needless to say, I dropped my book in surprise. But since then, this has been rather entertaining :)
My sister's, on the other hand, is interaction with people. I am always the last one awake, and I would often make for my room, only to see the light from under Imi's door. I'd go in there as quietly as I could, put her book mark in, pop that on the bedside table and turn out the light. On the odd occasion I'd rouse her in the process, and she would talk to me about the light, or what I was doing in there, and so I'd patiently explain everything, and leave, closing the door behind me. I went to leave once, and she demanded I come back, refusing to let go of my pyjamas 'til I received a bone crushing hug. I had to tell her to let go because I couldn't breathe, covered her in her quilt and left. She has no memory of any of it. Next time, I think I might try some questions ^-^

I do worry that I'll be content enough to fall asleep at Aprils, as Matt's jokingly told me he'll start talking to me to get stuff out that I don't wanna say. =\ Heaven forbid he find out I like him but am hung up on Daniel. arphgkjsghlaiugb
Oh well.

Oh, and, just for interest, the quote title is from Dylan Moran Live.

Sunday, 14 February 2010


I really can't wait to see Daniel tomorrow, I've missed the kid so much. In a sense the lack of seeing him (purely because he has more of a life than me at the moment) has let the dust settle a bit. I'm still angry at him, my dream processes show that better than anything, but I miss him more than I'm pissed. Mainly because he listens. He's an amazing listener, and always helps me to work my head out, which I need to do, hence seeing him. Sounds a bit like I'm using him. Well, I could for other things, but that's just not a good idea.
I just don't feel like me, and he's always been able to be, well, an anaesthetic. And I know I have to return to reality once I walk out the front door, but for that couple of hours, I can think objectively without thoughts of people flying in and interrupting me.
I feel blank, like someone's whited out the paint on my canvas, and I'm too apathetic to fill it in with the colours of affection and love for anyone. Sure, I've re-blocked in basic colours, blue for living and being active, yellow for social commitments, red for food, green for being able to laugh. But the finer details still remain a mystery.
And I'm annoyed because I've recently met some amazing people, a few of which are definitely date-worthy, and they know I'm somewhat interested (I think) but...... I just can't be bothered at the moment. It's empty where feeling should be. And I'm excited to see them, and talk to them... but I am too apathetic to do something about it.
Give me my life back, dammit!

Friday, 12 February 2010


One thing that always, always gets my back up is the suggestion of inferior intelligence on my part. In other words, being treated like an idiot. It doesn't matter if it's in good humour or if they're dead serious, it annoys me to the point of anger.

He was telling me the obvious, like I had no clue, even though I was already two steps ahead of him, and yet there he was, just lounging around like he was the king of the room. I was already hurt about the scene before me - who wants to see someone they care about, about to get it on with someone else - and didn't need reminding of it by some smart arse that I'd never met before then, who I didn't even know the name of. I couldn't take it anymore, and I whirled around, disrupting the whole thing, and they all just looked at me. I yelled at him to shut up, that I knew what was happening, and stormed out the room, only to spin around on the door frame and go back in the room, to hiss at him, vaguely hysterically, "I'm not an idiot. My TER, that I got when I finished school? I got 92! I'm smart! A fuckload smarter than you, so don't you dare treat me like an idiot."
And walked out.
I hated him.

And I didn't even know who he was, other than a friend of a friend, who thought he was better than me.

It doesn't help the resting side of things when you start screaming at people in your sleep. I don't feel rage anywhere other than my dreams, but last night's was so ... upsetting, I'm still feeling funny about it now, and I don't really want to leave the house because that means starting my day, seeing people for the next 12 hours straight. In short, that dream turned me into an agoraphobe. Just for today.

Wednesday, 10 February 2010

Reflection with a Seasoning of Narcissism

I don't think I could handle one of my People dying. Not just be unable to handle it, but..... I actually can't comprehend it. I kinda liken it to how I've been feeling for the past three and a half weeks. The only difference is, they cease to exist, for good. At least Daniel is still alive, and healthy.
It makes me think of mum, and when she got sick, and it didn't hit home until three years after her oncologist gave her the all-clear, exactly what could have happened.
You hear the stories of people later in life, 'Yeah, my mum died when I was twelve' and you think, 'Oh, that's so sad,' but don't really register it as what it might have really felt to be in her shoes.
They say the brain has the 5 stages of grief because it literally cannot handle, cannot process, some events so traumatic that they just bypass reasoning.
Death, break-ups, failure, loss in general.
I see now why people get depressed.
Why I get depressed.
I promised myself I'd be better when uni started, because I had something to do, to invest myself in 100%, and I shall. It's hard to be depressed when there is an unerringly optimistic streak that runs all the way to my core, and its exactly the same vice-versa. I scared my parents when I graduated, and then just wandered the halls without purpose, often just getting in my car (regardless of whether I could actually drive it or not) and ending up in Murray Bridge because I felt I had a purpose there, and refusing to come home til the earliest hours of the following day. But I served my purpose there and now it's time for another chapter to begin. Because I can't be lost anymore, I serve a higher purpose than being a deadbeat.

It's February 10th today* and I have another 19 to go before my first lecture. There is 12 days until my orientation, and three until I have to be at work again for a Saturday shift. This is how my life goes: I count down. There's three months of counting behind me, and I'm so close I can smell it. I'm terrified, because its all new to me, all unknown, and the unknown is scary!
We hold back because we are scared of what might be there if the fog clears, or worse yet, if it never clears at all.
And yet, to find the greatest discoveries, sometimes we have to dive into that head first, and pray that it's not hiding a sharp object or hard corner.....
...And I don't know about you, but I have every intention of finding them. There's too much in this head to kill it off, to dumb it down with narcotics, or to leave it afraid of what might be.
And it's scary, but I know one thing: no matter what I do, I will be great.

Sunday, 7 February 2010

It is time.

I’ve had a spectacular day, which I will proceed to tell you about, because I thought it was rather an amazing thing.

Work, as per usual. I was looking forward to it because there’s this boy who comes in every Sunday to grab a sausage roll before he goes to work at mitre10. Chooky realised its cheaper to buy gatorate elsewhere. Hes fair cute, these cheeky brown eyes that crinkle when he smiiles, and a shy smile. Only problem is its REALLY hard for me to work out how old he is. I have a sad inkling hes too young, but with those stupid frosted tips gone, its hard to tell. Mich said she’d ask if he came in during the week for me. I’m happy. I actually spoke to him today, and have resolved to do so every time he comes in – hes been in enough that I may as well, he recognises me so im no some weird freak. Ahhhh I’m excited :D

So, that kept me going for a few hours. Will endeavour to get his number next week : )

Then, at 4.28, literally JUST before closing, this song comes on the radio, and I was at the fridges, and I stopped, gasped, and SPRINTED for the radio to turn it up. “Hey, Soul Sister” by Train had come on. I have never met anyone who knows of this song, nor did I know it was popular anywhere. I suspect it’s going to be much more so soon though, its very catchy. So, there I am singing my lungs out to this beautiful song, and a customer comes in, catching me mid lyric and rather embarrassed. Ah well, he was the last before closing.
As I was walking the signs back from the roadside, I realised… this was a perfect day, and I hadn’t thought about Daniel all day. And in that moment, with the sun on my face, about to unlock the door, I realised….. I don’t need him.

I love him, and I always will in some way or another, but……. I am just fine without him. I laugh, and I play, I work and I socialise. I miss him terribly, because I’ve not been that close to someone in a long, long time, and its hard to adjust, but I don’t need him. He was a crucial force in shaping a part of me, and I thank him for that. But, clearly he doesn’t need me and, well, I shouldn’t waste my pretty little head crying over someone that was too stupid to realise what he gave up.

It’s time to move on.

Saturday, 6 February 2010

: )

Well, my friends, the sun is shining, the breeze is warm, i've just got off work, and so it is time to blog.

... About what, I'm not so sure.
This is yet to be decided.

Was my first day back at work after getting home. I didn't realise just how.... comforting... that place is. I've worked there since September and love it. Admittedly, it's not what I want to be doing for the rest of my life, but it pays the bills, admittedly slowly.
It's given me opportunities to grow as a person, to learn, to meet new people. Indeed, I met Daniel there and without him, I would never have met April. I think that... maybe, that was part of the purpose of our meeting and getting together: without him I would never have met my best friend. I guess I'll always be thankful to him for that.

The weather is too lovely to remain lamenting the past, even in my head without writing it down, cause I don't want to get over it, I want to stay a little bit miserable just to watch and wait for things to pan out - I learned patience.

There's a sign taped to the glass on the shop window talking about bingo. Steph, a girl at work, and I have decided we're going to go check it out when it starts on the 24th, just to see how it goes. You watch, there'll be all the residents of the retirement village, the house-mum's, and us, the two 18 year olds (more or less)
: )
Sounds like an interesting night to me : )

Soundwave is coming to town soon, and I'm rather excited, marred only by the knowledge that I'm going on my own (though I am meeting up with Jay and co at some point, but don't want to feel like a 3rd wheel the whole time, plus I have my own bands I want to see). To what is effectively an emo/ punk concert. This scares me.
Because I'm 5ft4, and when I'm in a new place my eyes go HUGE to absorb it all, thereby looking like a vulnerable 14 year old who can't defend herself in a fight... or abduction. Gonna need to get my eyeliner and Connies out for this one, methinks. : ) But still, it's $145 or $151 per ticket (depending on where you get it and how) so... there's NO WAY I'm giving up the chance to see Motion City Soundtrack, A Day to Remember, Escape The Fate, and others (though these three I am exceptionally excited about because I LOVE them ^^ )

I am going to get colours put in my hair, though am not sure whether just to dye the tips blue (or pinky purple), or to get something more like this....

Although, I don't want quite much this blue, nor do i have the length to go for it

I could do the pink, but it would be shorter colours - layers are pretty choppy.

The rainbow was what i first thoguht about doing, i really like this version of it, though i don't know if i could pull it off. it looks like red yellow blue and purple to me - no green. (dont want green)

And the last one is my favourite, just cause it is.

I would really appreciate anyone and everyones input (but please be constructive :) )

Peace out,

Thursday, 4 February 2010

And cuddles solve everything.

It comes in waves, now: all happy and fine, then a sudden rush of absolute desolation and anger and hurt.... and then something will happen and it ebbs away into neutrality once again. As time goes on, it gets easier. By some irony, keeping vague contact actually makes it easier. But, I suppose, I had such a good day yesterday that it's given me a positive outlook on how things will work out. In my heart of hearts I know that I can't keep holding onto this love. But I do, because sitting in it, without the sadness, is one of the best feelings in the world.
He's not okay, despite the façade, and my instant reaction is to go over and try make him feel better, regardless of how I personally feel. Because that's what I do. But I suspect that this will not help an awful lot, indeed it may make it worse, and as such I don't send a message reminding him that if he needs to talk I'll listen. I worry about him, even though I probably shouldn't as it creates the aforementioned desire to help.
It's all just too frustrating, being like this. Despite all the other feelings, in the end, if he's okay, and happy, then that should be enough for me.

..... Shouldn't  it?

Random post of smile.

After doing the rather egotistical thing of searching for my own name on several months ago and finding some unpleasant definitions, i decided i do not like the site. however, facebook at the moment has a chain status going around about searching your own name. so, seeing as i have nothing better to do whilst eating brekkie, i did this, albeit apprehensively.
In my own little world, it's my friends that posted it. really, i have no idea who writes these things. i dont usually like the site because its just a board for open slander about people. however, this came up:

1. olivia

A beautiful wonderful hearted girl.
Wonderful to talk to . Always there for someone, great person. Absolutely FUN.
That girl Olivia is awesome.

I was rather pleased. This has begun the day in a rather cheery, warm-fuzzy-feeling kinda way : ) 

Hope yours are all good too : )

Wednesday, 3 February 2010

Drip, Drop.

I love the rain. It washes everything away from the old world, beating down, eroding everything. Often it's cold and unpleasant and creates unpleasant moods as a byproduct of the amazing lack of sunshine. And yet...... then it stops, and the cool air rushes in my window to the sound of crickets and frogs singing to the night. A plane flies overhead and it feels cleaner than before. I still sit here in the same place as before the rain, but now a quiet has settled over my garden, content, peaceful. The rain has brought life and freshness to the world outside my window, which in turn meets me here in my room, reminding me that logic, optimism and determination is the rain that washes away my own mess, leaving me clean, calm and collected, ready to bring on a new day and all the challenges it presents. I love the rain.

Home, ...... And Away. And then some.

Well, I have returned from my escapades overseas as more or less the same person, but a little different too.

I shall talk a little about travelling in a moment, but thinking about what I was going to put first on this long list just reminded me of a grumble I need to have, because it got me so mad.... Faith. Not the God-like faith, the faith in people, in friends, in loved ones. I've been very lucky in that my parents have brought me up to believe in myself, my abilities, and as a result, I know how good I am and anyone that says different can fuck off, basically. But.... I've seen over and over again people that have a total lack of belief in their friends! I'm all for ones desire to be better, do better. Saying that they will fail at this... well how on earth is that for encouragement?! It's like.... inviting them to fuck up because that's all you expect of them. Makes me angry, partly cause I believe wholeheartedly in those trying to make a change and do something, and everyone else that believes differently is useless as a friend. That's not what friends are for, and people that think that there's no support for them, end up bumming out, hopeless. I dont want my People to ever, ever feel like that.

I still miss Daniel terribly, but that's what happens when the most important person in your life more or less disappears. I dislike it, but there is a fine line between being friendly, and being annoying, and that is a line I never want to cross. I love him, and I shall always love him cause fact of the matter is, he's an amazing person, and I have every intention of having him as a friend for life. : ) And getting hugs from him today basically made my entire week. ^ _ ^ It's just.... the look. It's still there, but kinda sad, too. I guess that's what I look like, as well. 'Cept that I still have the look of 'wow' in my eyes when I see him : )

Anyway.... Travelling.....

Thailand basically went in this order, because April has my diary and i would just type that out but i cant as of this moment :)....

  • Sea canoeing - not too bad, went into a heap of sea caves and such. good fun, and the best meal I ate there the whole time.
  • Spa treatment - they covered me in algae! fkn gross, but my body felt better for it. I don't like steam rooms, get really claustrophobic in them.
  • Horse riding - One word: fail. the horse could tell I'm not an experienced rider... by which i mean i'd ridden once before that, several years prior. He tried to buck me off in the sea.
  • FantaSea - cultural Thai show, basically Thailand with ADHD, it was crazy.
  • Trip to Phi Phi Island - via a speed boat and rough waters in which I was airborne several times; went snorkelling, and did a massive belly flop off the nose of the boat in a lagoon. Very pretty scenery and reef fishies : ) Highlight of the trip.
  • Elephant Ride - fun fun, kinda like riding a cross between a camel and a horse. They were all rough and hairy, too! weird stuff, but it was so cool : D
Singapore went as follows:

Shopping shopping, bus trip, bus trip, night zoo (which was okay, but not great, the bus trip there was so cold that dads glasses condensed when we got out.... as did we.), regular zoo (which was rather fun, I loved the orang utans, and have since decided that my favourite animals are zebras.), and the Singapore high flyer, which is basically the biggest ferris wheel you'll ever see : )
Everything was so clean, it was a lovely change from Thailand, where most outside was filthy.

I was so homesick, missing people, and the customs of good ol' Adelaide, Australia. And my dogs. And my bed - the beds there were TERRIBLE. I woke up sore every morning because of it.

I miss the way things were a month ago, primarily cause I knew I'd have someone to come home to every night, so to speak. I really don't like being on my own, but its a case of 'I know there are plenty of fish in the sea... I want THAT fish!'... but he's been fucking enough people that I don't really want to go near him more than a hug, for my own peace of mind. Ah well. Not like I can be bothered with that at the moment anyway. This has been proven to me first hand, but I shan't go into what, how, or why because I'd rather not. Disappointment of that nature should not be broadcast on the cyber-waves because it does nobody any good.

On a random note, it's just begin to rain. Really fat drops, that make a *plunk* when they hit the leaves. It's rather beautiful.
I am so tired, and sore for some reason. It's not like I've done anything to warrant a sore hip. Not really. ; P
And I'm just exhausted from feeling like this almost all the time, even when im genuinely happy and having fun, I'll stop and just be like.... oh, yeah, that really happened didn't it. I hate him for making me feel like this, and I hate him for letting me fall for him (I hate me for that, too.), I hate that his sleeping around bothers me so much - he's not mine anymore so its not my business, people deal with their issues in different ways, I guess that's just how he deals with his. But most of all, I hate that I can't hate him. Because he's just being who he is, and I miss that person more than anything else in the entire world.

I have a friend who is getting to be, or is already, addicted to marijuana. I'm not sure if it was a cry for help, outlining how much he had in one day or so, and/or the smoking habits he keeps, because he knows how much i hate drugs. I'm not sure if I want to get involved. Really, I guess the right thing, if he wants help, is to give it. But it's so messy, and involves so much careful watching, I don't think I want to do that right now, I'm too busy taking care of myself at the moment. And at the same time, its also a case of whether he realises what he's doing, and that his erratic mindset is withdrawal, and that he shouldn't 'need' a joint to go to sleep every night. It scares me that I have to deal with this, even as a bystander. Because I don't like how hard it's going to be. Eh, I just have a 'saviour' complex. It's not really my business, but I feel like I have to do something. Go figure.

On a more positive note.... I am now officially a student of UniSA. Much excitement! There's one person from my school doing the same course as me, and he was a surprise, but its unlikely were in the same class. I'm kinda terrified of not knowing anyone, or anything. Totally nerve wracking. But, it has to be done, and I'm looking forward to having something interesting to focus on. I'm kinda annoyed that I HAVE to study "Indigenous Australians:  Culture and Colonisation", because I would much rather be studying something to do with education or biology. But that's just how it's done. I even have my ID card : )
Told April she should come sit in one of my Anatomy lectures with me next semester, cause I think you can do that...... I hope. Hahahahah. I am so excited to be a student again, although I'm not missing high school whatsoever. I love my school, but I loathed the routine. was just all wrong for me. As it was, it took me an hour and a half to plan my year of subjects, and most are in the late morning thru to afternoon - cause I hate having to get up before 7.30, or even 8. But so long as I'm organised I could get up at 8 for my 9 am classes anyway, so I am content : ) I love that it only takes me 20 min to get to Magill Campus from home. That's a win right there. : )

And so, this is a very long post, making up for the 3 weeks that I have been neglecting my blog because I'm afraid to sit down and actually think about what I've been thinking about. Doesn't make sense but then neither do I, I just got lucky in that there's a few people that believe that I do, and these people I call my friends, and I love them dearly.