Wednesday, 10 February 2010

Reflection with a Seasoning of Narcissism

I don't think I could handle one of my People dying. Not just be unable to handle it, but..... I actually can't comprehend it. I kinda liken it to how I've been feeling for the past three and a half weeks. The only difference is, they cease to exist, for good. At least Daniel is still alive, and healthy.
It makes me think of mum, and when she got sick, and it didn't hit home until three years after her oncologist gave her the all-clear, exactly what could have happened.
You hear the stories of people later in life, 'Yeah, my mum died when I was twelve' and you think, 'Oh, that's so sad,' but don't really register it as what it might have really felt to be in her shoes.
They say the brain has the 5 stages of grief because it literally cannot handle, cannot process, some events so traumatic that they just bypass reasoning.
Death, break-ups, failure, loss in general.
I see now why people get depressed.
Why I get depressed.
I promised myself I'd be better when uni started, because I had something to do, to invest myself in 100%, and I shall. It's hard to be depressed when there is an unerringly optimistic streak that runs all the way to my core, and its exactly the same vice-versa. I scared my parents when I graduated, and then just wandered the halls without purpose, often just getting in my car (regardless of whether I could actually drive it or not) and ending up in Murray Bridge because I felt I had a purpose there, and refusing to come home til the earliest hours of the following day. But I served my purpose there and now it's time for another chapter to begin. Because I can't be lost anymore, I serve a higher purpose than being a deadbeat.

It's February 10th today* and I have another 19 to go before my first lecture. There is 12 days until my orientation, and three until I have to be at work again for a Saturday shift. This is how my life goes: I count down. There's three months of counting behind me, and I'm so close I can smell it. I'm terrified, because its all new to me, all unknown, and the unknown is scary!
We hold back because we are scared of what might be there if the fog clears, or worse yet, if it never clears at all.
And yet, to find the greatest discoveries, sometimes we have to dive into that head first, and pray that it's not hiding a sharp object or hard corner.....
...And I don't know about you, but I have every intention of finding them. There's too much in this head to kill it off, to dumb it down with narcotics, or to leave it afraid of what might be.
And it's scary, but I know one thing: no matter what I do, I will be great.

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