Monday, 30 November 2009


I’m going through all these photos on my computer, and listening to my Romance on a Rocketship anthem. All these photos, of my garden, in any case, were taken during late winter, when it was rather warm, and everythingis growing. The leaves are new and young, and the rose plants are red with new growth. It’s such a bouncy song, full of happy feelings, that I can’t help feeling hopeful for the future.
Am also considering making a slideshow for one of these songs, to try and show others how it makes me feel.

But… then I move onto another folder… it’s got copies of baby photos that I took for my art project….. I know I’m looking at me….. (and I was a pretty ‘awwwh’ sorta baby, even when I was sick) and I feel weird…. Like… all family-orientated etc. not used to it. Dunno if I like it….

Sunday, 29 November 2009


It’s a miserable day. And so I’m going to write.

This is a stream of consciousness, and so will make very little sense.... just warning you all now.......

I suspect the week from hell is approaching as I’m usually a lot bubblier than this.

I’ve got about three trains of thought going through my head. The first is a monologue, the second was spurred by watching a little of Lawrence of Arabia and the third is from my music. I’m sitting down on my lounge, watching the sky get progressively more miserable. This is why I hate winter – because of the feelings it brings. Not because of the weather itself. I associate it with being depressed. And with being lonely, emotionally separated from my friends. Mind you, this song is pretty emo-ish and depressing, as pretty as it is……. *next track please*

I am meant to have an exam at Flinders tomorrow. I don’t think I’m going. I have viral conjunctivitis and it sucks. It ruined my day today. I had a picnic I could have gone to…… but before that, I had work, at which I earn my money that I need to pay back my car. I need about 150/week. I’m getting like 85. Not happy. I need another job to work during the week, even if it means I start at 9 and end at like 12 or something…. Hmmmm that would be lovely actually…….

It seems wrong to feel so strongly.

Maybe I am better than you. I’ve tried harder. Worked harder. I live in better circumstances. I went to a better school than you. I’m a snob, if I think like that. So I don’t. but there’s always still a small part of me that reminds me of these little statements every time something comes up that proves them.

I haven’t dealt with the same crap you have. But I’m certain that I would have dealt with it differently. I can’t make you change, can I? I know I cannot without losing you, and losing my sanity. If I save people as my job…. Maybe I won’t have to save the people I love. Yes, I used that word.

What a stupid word. But..... that is beside the point. If I follow parental approval, you're not good enough for me. If I follow how I feel around you, you're the one for me. And so I do the sensible thing, and follow myself. But if you know...... By god, if you knew ..... That the roots of this are spreading through my ribs and twisting around my organs, making me nervous whenever I pull up at your door, and squeeze my heart every time you look into my eyes and that half-grin appears and half my brain falls out my ear, leaving you looking confused at my own goofy grin.

God, what am I SAYING?!

The body that you just slaughtered..... That was someone’s child. Someone’s husband. Someone’s father. The humans are a barbarous race. The only other animal known to hunt others of its kind, with some form of order, without reason, is chimpanzees, as far as I am aware. We are destined for self destruction, really. People cannot expect to survive too much longer – despite our 'lets promote world peace' attitude. B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T!!! Like that's gonna happen. But then again...... every so often..... a little miracle happens, you see a scene from someone else's life, and it gives one hope, that maybe it actually will be okay.

Maybe everything will be okay.

The Moment She Knew

It's dark, pitch black, save for the occasional glimpse of the stars out the chink in the curtains.
It's warm, too much so, and she wriggles out from under the bed sheet - it's slightly suffocating, and she'd rather be able to breathe. She can't really believe she's here, but the air is too muggy and she is too groggy to mind all that much. She shuts her eyes, then opens them again, realising it makes no difference if she is awake or asleep- the world around her is quiet, save for the occasional sleeping-noise made by the other two in the room, one asleep, one as groggy as she.
It is this second that makes her not care, just for the moment, if she is whacked with a serious grounding when she finally decides to get up and go home. If she decides.

She pushes that thought aside and focuses on the sensation of the sheet on her back. It's too hot. She turns on her side, to let her back cool off, and no sooner has she done this, than she is pulled backwards, just a little, into another warm body, snuffling quietly into the back of her neck. She grins: it tickles. An arm snakes across her bare stomach, and pulls her in even closer, so her entire back makes contact with another's torso. It's too hot. But this time she doesn't care about the heat - she can deal with it, and her bare front cools her down anyway, she reasons with herself. She feels a line of kisses rise from between her shoulder blades to the nape of her neck, where the lips remain, breathing on her, giving her goose bumps.
She smiles to herself - the last eight hours have given her a lot to smile about, and though it makes her face ache slightly to continue doing so, she does, even though no one can see her. Not even him.
Although, as this thought occurs to her, the lips move, singing, almost inaudibly. But she hears. 'I know I'm nothing but skin and bones, but I sure think you're beautiful, with your long long hair and your big blue eyes, I'm glad I made you mine tonight'. She almost cries - these same lyrics had been drumming through the speakers several hours before, to their jokes, but he changed them, just for this day, just for this moment, just for her . She doesn't think he realises how that affects her, and she can't truly express it to anyone but herself, so she wriggles around until she faces the eyes that captivate her mind, and kisses his lips, whispering, 'Thank you'. It's the moment she realises he's a keeper, and she doesn't want to let him go, not from her heart. Content that she will not be hurt, belittled, scared, or broken like the those have before him, she nuzzles into him so her head leans on his chest and arm, and promptly falls asleep.

WOW wow wow ......

Rarely will i make a recommendation, or a request to read or do something, because i know that eveyone has their own opinions and mine mean shit to 99.9% of the worlds population.
But this song...... it's called Shadows of Darkness, by SummerLine.
**many apologies if this is actually a typo - that was how i found it in the 1st place - was googling Summerlin**


so.. this is the youtube *link*

and i will post it at the bottom of my site, near the quotes... it's so beautiful.... the epitome of music in my eyes (*eye?)

Friday, 27 November 2009

I think emo photography is beautiful ...

don't care what you think about it.

Hate the mentality. Love the pictures.

*pic courtesy of*

Today is Friday (for lack of a better title)

I love how I can always tell if Jimmy has read my blog by whether or not every consecutive post has a 'yes' ticked.

I also think my blog is rather pretty. That's just me being self-satisfied because its this dusty blue. *shrugs* It's calming, and gives me a chance to BLOW YOU ALL AWAY with my words.

...Or not...

I am loving this day. the plan was to take my dogs on a walk each (its too hard to walk both at once- Gus is constantly with ears back, pulling on the harness (yes, we had to et him a doggy harness - he pulls so hard on his chokechain and collar, he'd rather choke to death than walk like a normal person.... uh, dog. At least I have my angel baby. *love*

Anyway... This idea has since been put to rest because I havent eaten enough today to do a grand total of 12km walking (one lap per dog). And i've already had a shower today.
I have this thing about people showering more than once a day... it really bothers me - mainly cause I'm a water conserver haha... mostly. :) I mean, if you by some freak accident get cake hurled at you, or you fall in a puddle ass deep in mud or something, this is understandably, reasonably necessary :)
On the matter of not eating... its not that i'm not hungry, I am, and I have a very ripe nana with me as I type :) and a bottle of water :) but I figure.... the fruit salad that i WAS going to chow down on, is full of rockmelon.
I hate rockmelon. (I keep going to put a 'g' on the end of that. must stop typing rockmelong. Argh. For fucks sake!!!)
I'm usually pretty chill about food - I'll certainly try something. But yeah, I just dont feel like eating. I do worry this is going to fester as an eating disorder, though, because I am so supremely happy that I'm getting skinnier. I promise to all you that read this, and to myself especially, I'll take care of myself. Including eating properly. It's just one of those days, you know?
*munches on banana*
nom nom nom
*exact sound effect*

Miss A and I decided we had to write out cast lists for our lives. It saves having to explain things every time I say someones name rather than their association with me. I just realised that mine is so big it's going to need a venn diagram to go with it so when I say 'the crew' we both know who I'm talking about.

I am so vain sometimes: every time I see my face in a mirror, I stare at my eyes, then my jawline, and then back into my iris, and I smile. Because they're shining, and a smile is necessary. I'm getting wrinkles from smiling so much, but there is so much to smile about. He is the reason I smile so much, well, one of the reasons. I have a new friend who I am having much fun in setting up a birthday present for.
*And no, it isn't heaps of hassle, or expensive - I dont have the money for that kind of prezzie, so I'm doing something even better... *

Life is going so good, and i'm about to stick a spanner in the works, again, but you gotta do these things so that the road ahead may be smoother. To the statement 'you could do better', comes this reply:
Yeah, you know what, I probably could, but I'm quickly finding myself a part of a warm loving new brood (new to me) and I don't know why I feel like this, its rather illogical, but thats the way it is. And besides, the people best for you are those that make you happy, and this is what he does.

I am laying here on my bed, typing away, trying not to make too many spelling errors **notice the GRAMMAR in this one!**, watching the shadow of a bush that overhands our brick wall. as the clouds cover the sun, it disappears, and when they move on, the shadow reappears.
It's kinda a weird, trippy, analogy for life..... when the clouds cover up the sunshine, we disappear, but sure enough, the clouds dissapate and we return in full force :) :)

*phase one of bday present: complete*

Thursday, 26 November 2009

April, Xmas, Sleepovers.

okay i've been reading aprils blog for most of the evening on and off. and i've decided it's time for me to write my own.

its interesting to see the extreme difference in writing style, and i think am going to take a leaf out of her book and write here.

i like having a boyfriend. it's only been 8 days, but it feels longer for me because we've been hanging out at least once a week thereabouts for lik 2 months. drives me crazy when he's not around, and i'm not gonna lie - i'm getting rather attached, enough to realise that it's LONELY without him - i'm on my own a lot recently. i know mum feels kinda guilty about leaving me home on my own, but frase is here sometimes because of his exams, and shes usually home before 2...... but still, i wont lie, i do enjoy my 'me' time... but 2 weeks of it is making me NEED people. it sucks.
thankfully i have april, whom i talk to every night. now mum doesnt even bother finishing asking who im talking to: 'who are you..... oh, april'
hahah. it makes me laugh. i think she thinks im being naiive by spending so much time talking to one person, like my enthusiasm is a symptom of foolishness. i like the girl. i really like her. its like looking in a mirror sometimes. i love it. no doubt in a few months, itll drive me nuts she knows that im thinking..... but its nice not to have to explain my reasoning in everything i ever think. but yes, i think shes fast becoming one of my best friends. XD

new topic: christmas.
jesus christ! not again!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i know, i'm terrible. i should love xmas. i dont know why i dont.
yes i do. its ALWAYS stressful. He suggested me staying over there xmas eve so i can go see his dad on xmas day, which was a rather exciting prospect............ but the likelihood of this happening is somewhere between small and impossible
but 'small' is a VERY optimistic guess. *sigh* i just wanna be able to snooze to the sound of a heartbeat other than my own. no funny stuffs whatsoever!

its hard to explain why i'd rather not come home. i have a nice house and a nice family and two beautiful dogs............. and until recently during a talk with my brother who is fast becoming frankly amazing, (lol nice pen name...Frank Lee Amazing).... but still...... im finding a new home at the same time, and i love being at them both. one's calm, the other vaguely crazy, but this is merely the culture shock. AND I LOVE IT.

oh, and by the way, i KNOW my grammar is disgusting. i figure....... im writing as fast as my little fingers can move, and my brain works at a MUCH faster rate. grammar is thrown by the wayside to make way for the frankly more important things of SUBSTANCE. hehe just thoguht i hsould mention that because i know i read my posts and it just looks like its one MASSIVE sentence. oh well..... ill probably go through in my copious amounts of spare time and read and correct my ENTIRE ARCHIVE. because yea, i am way cool like that.

i cant believe its only been 8 days.......

wow im lame

Just saw I had a visitor from Swaziland. Thought that was rather exciting. Wasn't on there for long, but I think the name is pretty cool nonetheless.

Tuesday, 24 November 2009


I had a Moment today, well, a few actually. The most surreal was whilst walking my beloved Gus down the route i normally take Rani because I can take her off the lead. It was, really, just the culmination of the feeling I've had all day, wondering at what point did my own writing stop and summaries of things that happen to me began. Have vowed to write something decent soon, though I did start one... but I dont think I can finish it because I have no idea where it's going. -.-

But that wasn't The Moment. I was listening to some rather trippy electro/new-age music, and noticed how manicured the grounds of this vineyard are, even the trees were so. But the trees..... there was all this grass on the right ofthe driveway up to the main buildings, and out of nowhere theres like seven trees of different sizes, all the same kind, sticking up outta the ground in a little clump like neon green lollypops.

I almost had to stop and do a double take - only reason I didn't was because I made myself look at the opposite side of the road, into the more scraggly bush, to get a bit more perspective. But still, with nobody other me and my dog - not even a car! - it was pretty eerie.

I think a part of it is me coming to terms with myself as a person, and myself as I interract with others. Perhaps I make things overly complicated. I'm not sure. But I realised, I need to relax, properly so, and stop worrying about how fragile this is. Fact is: it isnt fragile. He wouldn't have entered into it if he weren't sure, and I'm just here grinning from ear to ear cause he whispered in my ear so only I could hear, 'mine', and pulled me closer. And that was the Moment while staring at a dead tree on the horizon that I never noticed before.

'Cause if you jump
I will jump too
We will fall together
From the buildings ledge
Never look back at what we've done
We'll say it was love
Cause I would die for you
On Skyway Avenue

Monday, 23 November 2009

it's kinda like tempting fate

it's a wonder, really, that that pessimistic view doesnt kill things.
maybe it will?
i don't know.

i've learned its not a good idea to be too forthcoming with words and feelings -despite this being against my nature and rather hypocritical-, because it gets me 1. into trouble and 2. kills it. oh, and 3. at the end makes me feel like i gave a piece of me away that i can't get back, and i gave it away too quickly. i'm referring to the emotional and verbal labelling of things. things that should not, or cannot have a label.

Friday, 20 November 2009

Don't Hate Me for Feeling Good

It's a smile, a wink, a sideways glance.
A catcall, a wolf whistle, a 'seeya gorgeous' from someone I've known for 40 minutes.
It's the realisation that low self esteem is pointless emotional torture.
It's knowing that there's gonna be people out there that hate me, and those that love me.
Knowing that i am me, and no one else, even if it seems like this is the case.
Because, you see, I'm happy being 'just me' and I'd rather not be anyone else.
I want to know what lies in store for the kid that thinks she has some kind of magic mental power, and that loves to lay on the sand with the car stereo pumping, laughing to the memories of yesteryear.

After hearing a sentence that kinda took me aback from my favourite person at the moment *coughAprilcough*, i decided to throw all this self esteem yuck to the wind. it's more fun being happy with my reflection than standing there and wanting to cry. indeed, sometime in April this year, this very breakdown happened. and it sucked. it was like an anxiety attack, i couldn't breathe, but i was hyperventilating at the same time. i blame the poor lights showing up every bump in the surface of my skin, and my then-hate of shopping. (this has since changed)

so, this is kinda annoying for some people to read I'm sure: 'ugh, shut up already i don't want to hear about how good you're feeling about yourself'. and in comes the statement 'if i didn't like you so much I'd probably hate you'.


when did this happen? has it always been so? forgive me for sounding stupid, but i thought I was supposed to be the person thinking that of others!

... guess not...

well, shall just have to win them all over with my dashing smile and charming wit.
ahaha there's a funny thought. my sense of humour is reserved only for the few people content to laugh with me when i laugh at myself. the smile will have to do, i suppose



but yes.

oh wow... newsflash on whats happening right now other than me sitting on my bed typing this nonsense...... its RAINING
like.. properly raining, with massive fat drops.
wooooooooooooo spring is here!!!! fuck summer for a while, i miss my balmy days and this warm rain. it's been so dark outside despite it being midday, it was bound to happen sometime. I'm just hoping it isn't crappy at the beach! on that note......
I'm going to schoolies in a few hours. i still need to pack my shit into some kind of bag and work out what on earth I'm going to do with myself since I'll have no computer

**i can smell the rain**

and wet concrete. yummy

no, really, it is. it gets caught in my nose like the smell of bacon does, until i have to breath out my mouth or risk asphyxiation.

i can hear a cockatoos, lorikeets, galahs... it's like the rain unlocked their vocal cords and theyre using them for all theyre worth. i'm actually going to stop my music just to hear them :) :) its gonna get annoying soon, i can tell, but right now... it's so beautiful. makes me proud to be an Aussie, living where i do. they don't get this elsewhere!

okay, going to the shops. will write a little more when i'm back.

"I look like a head in a tomato"

where do i start?
it's 1am on the dot. thats exciting.
not as exciting as me standing in front of my mirror an hour ago in my tartan mini and blck singlet and 5 inch heels, grinning like an idiot, thinking 'damn i'm hot', for no reason other than i can.
conceited? maybe. its just i havent feelt like that for a long time, and this new found confidence has brought so much to my life, i dont think i want to let it go.

i have a story here that was in the english exam that i read and almost cried, it's so beautiful. well, i think so. others may think otherwise. please read it, its no more than 800 words and worth the time.

am up talking to April...... again. and the title of this post is one product of this cnversation. as was the heels and mini (admittedly i was wearing the mini all day today. woo for hot weather). mega excited for her bday :) dunno whats happening but apparently i'm her bet now, so i need a collar and a name tag. bahahahah.

yesterday was one of the most incredible days ive had. just seems that one day after another is amazing when He is involved. lets face it, He's my muse right now, and He shant be named, but its blindingly obvious who i'm referring to. it's not the 'will you go out with me?' or the 'everyone, this is my girlfriend' that sticks in my head, nor the afternoon at the beach, or swimming in the river in my underwear because i had no bathers, but the feeling of a pair of arms around me, in the dead of night, where its too hot but his skin is cool, whispering 'mine' and whisper-singing to me ......that will be the memory i hold of the 18th of November.

i've never swum in the Murray before yesterday. it was great fun, but the mud was so ookie! and the glass shard i found wasn't reassuring, but i am definitley going to that spot again sometime really soon.

my car, as beautiful as she is, is a nightmare to drive because i'm terrible with hill starts and stalled 8 times or more at a busy intersection. all on my own. it was terrifying. but i got to the bridge fine, so i'm content.

i know these are all little paragraphs, and i apoligise, but its now 1.40 and i am exhausted and have very few thoguhts longer than this paragraph itself. :) arent i clever. serves me right for keeping such terrible hours. its gonna bite me on the ass soon..... i really need to go to bed at 10.30, just so i'm waking up before 11 and can do things with my cool daylight hours!

anywho... in summary, i have now proven that patience does pay off, and ask (nicely) and you shall recieve. all this angst about what was going through his head, and if i was wasting my emotional energy on soething that wasn't going to be worth it at all in the end.....
he is mine, and i am his, and thats the way i like it.the phrase 'i dont want to be monogamous for a while' was quickly followed by his introduction into my life, and this sentence was cracked wide open, seen to be rotten, and put in the bin. fact is, i love having a boyfriend... it's a matter of finding the right one, thats all. and i'm thrilled that his lop-sided grin, telling me he knows something i dont, is directed at me. and i wouldn't have it any other way.

Monday, 16 November 2009

cause i can.

yes, i know it is almost 2 am.
fact is, i'm talking to someone i suspect is going to be rather a good friend of mine somewhere down the track, and i'm rather enjoying the conversation.
:):):) i love meeting new people - yeah, i'm not as outgoing with strangers as i am with people i know - that that's a given isnt it? this is why i love the internet - i can write and write and write....... and its okay.
but yes. last night was oodles of fun (is embarrassing i just used that word in that context - how grown up am i?!).
again, am at a loss as to what to do with my llife, so i'm staying up all night because i can, talking to April *note mention here :)* who i suspect is a slightly older version of me - its rather alarming, really, but lovely at the same time. XD

work today was a little hellish because it was so sporadically busy. i had this lovely trio come and sit in for lunch and afternoon tea.... no joke, they stayed for 2 hours! i dont mind this, but they were rather chatty, and i atuomatically make eye contact when i talk to people - makes it hard to read the lists and clean the coffee machine, not to mention sweep and mop.
but it's okay, it was a good, albeit humid (evaporative a/c) arvo, and i got a letter of praise in it for me ahhahah WIN!

ok its 3.04 am now. and this is the latest ive been up since the after party in may. sad much? and im up cause i can be. loving it though. music, warm n comfy, and good conversation. im just crapping on now - its 3 am people, i have no functional brain cells and shant for a while. i think i will be sleeping all day tomorrow...... but knowig me ill be up by 9am because my internal clock is shouting in a john cleese like manner that i have to get up and march, march, march the goose step.

3.23 now.

i think i'm in the middle of soething beautiful now, and it scares the hell out of me because i think it runns in my veins a little deeper than i'd like it to. but this is the way it is. and though i'm terrified............. there's so much to gain. and no daniel, its a g, not a p.

bring it on. because i can see the tea stained colour of old paper, and the burned edges, shining with a little light bulb from the sun on the other side, illuminating what could be, and if you dont mind i'd like to keep this, but burn the paper, so i can bathe in that lovely warmth of the sun's presence. and perhaps yours?

peace out

Saturday, 14 November 2009

part 1 of a long post.

warning: this is one of my super duper long posts. and as such is in more than one part.

it's weird, sitting here realising that all i have to do is purge my room and i can stay up as late as i want on sunday night because there's no 6.30wake-up call for school. my life feels suddenly empty, and i'm trying to fill in all the gaps just so i dont find myself getting really desperate and painting the wall or something.
that reminds me...
but yes, i am a compulsive cleaner when i'm a)nervous b) on the phone c) unimaginably bored.
though, having said that, there is something deliciously enticing about the notion of laying on my carpet (once its vaccuumed so i'm not in an inch of ick) and just staring at the ceiling. i did that the other week, then realised my art major assignment was due. not much fun. and yet this time i can just lay there and do nothing (unless it happens to be 3.15 next tuesday in which i'll, again, gasp, bolt upright, swear rather violently, and race out the door).

had my eyelashes dyed today. of all the mornings i wanted to sleep in til 9.30, today was the day. sadly not. athe appointment was for 8.15. why oh WHY did i make it that early?!?!!? haha but that was a truly existential experience, laying in a dark room on my own for 15 mins or whatever, waiting for the dye to stick. looks good though - kinda trippy... i love it even though it didnt have that much effect cause i have black black lashes anyways. XD

yesterday was without a doubt one of the best days of my life. Maths exam in the morning, which kinda sucked, but it wasnt too hard - just enough to challenge me for the remaining 40 mins once every other part had been done (you'd think differentiating (1/3)piR^2(R+1.5) would be easy considering i know how to do it. alas not.) i sat there mentally abusing it until 12.12, after which i literally ran up the stairs, got changed in the study room... got stuck doing so (that was awkward) and then raced off to see if my car had been towed.

note to self: don't park in 'reserved' zones, directly in front of the sign stating any unauthorised cars will be towed at owners expense. too much mental stress.

drove straight to the Bridge, stereo up loud (you know your bass is too strong when you can see the rear view and side mirrors vibrating to the beat whilst going 100km/h). got to see person, had lunch by the river - one of the best things ive done, i think. only thing that could have made it better was a picnic rug (short skirt plus prickly grass is not a good combination).
drove home, chatting laughing singing and such *i know i go too fast, it's not my fault youre a bad influence on me lol*.
i have work in half an hour so i better keep typing (keep getting distracted).
i havent been swimming properly for aaages... its bleaching my hair!!!! so much for brown hair..... lols. oh well. kinda learned to skate. kinda. am going to need a lot more practice than 20 mins in a small area! mind you, racers and a skirt and sneakers arent the best clothes to be learning in....

art show last night. was epic proudness of it! everyone stuff looked so good haha. i admit i was disappointed i didnt get into the ssabsa art show, but i'm pleased the three that did get in, did- their stuff definitely deserves the credit! Though, I got the next best thing, and it totally made up for it - got the senior art prize. Much happiness at this - it came with a $50 voucher for premier art, which means i can start collecting up my studio stuffs - starting with a box of Micador Soft Pastels and some pastel paper XD woooo creative hobby here i come.

am somewhat sunburned from drying off on the trampoline yesterday. i'm rather upset by this as the other person with me, who is a fair few shades paler than i, didnt get red at all! though i do have a lovely tan from it, so i guess it makes up for it.... XD

am going to feast after work :) i'm excited - i've not been before and it sounds like a lot of fun :) :) :) my sexuality stays with me - i'm the support groupie haha not the one coming out, just so's you know. but yes..... another late night, i suspect, which is mildly a shame because i'm so tired from last night. it wasnt even that active, but i was asleep in the car on the way home, and still managed to stay up til past 12 for a reason i cannot for the life of me remember.

well, it's 11.50. i've got to scoot as i'm not even dressed yet in my blacks. :S o well. 3 min walk XD

will write again sometime soon, promise. i have many, many thoughts for this particular time of year.


Thursday, 12 November 2009

that was when i ruled the world

I am terrified of embarrassing myself.
It is why people think I am a quiet, studious child.
Fact is, I make a fool of myself on a regular basis when just with friends.
So why not everyone else?
Is it like some kind of defence mechanism - don’t let people in, and so forth?
I’m the girl who walks to work grinning ear to ear, and the girl on the bus looks like she’s in her early 20's, in the sunnies, cheek slightly pulled back in a lopsided grin as if she knows something you don't.
I dance in my room with the music pumped up loud enough I can’t hear myself think, and I’m sure the neighbours would complain except that their teenager went through this phase too - but his was always hard rock and metal. Mine is too.... 'Cept for the fact I don’t like metal too. Who cares, its noise, and it’s nice noise XD
I bounce around laughing, playing with my pup, and singing loud my favourite songs when I walk the older one. I’m the one in the daggy car with the window rolled down and the bass up as high as it goes, singing to snow patrol or MIA or something similar.

And you know what, if that is embarrassing............. I don’t care.
It makes me me and I love who I am. I love whom I am around. I love that I don’t fight like we used to, and I’m not as moody as I used to be (posts re this were deleted due to parental request after one was emailed to the principal and I got a phone call.... much humiliation had XD). I love that summer is here even though its mid November, and that I can run around in my bathers again and it doesn’t look out of place, I love that my room is TIDY, and that I’m still high off my first truly independent 'me' day, while still being productive.

Got the inspirational music from Coldplay belting thru the speaker next to me, making my skin tingle for some reason (harmonies do that to me). And as they have beautifully put 'that was when I ruled the world'. My friends, this time is coming again and I’m feeling so amazing that

Monday, 9 November 2009

little bites of hope and philosophy and smiley

i'm sitting herre, in a pair of flannel pants and boxers, and a big t-shirt, getting hotter and hotter.
and, surprisingly, it's not because of the clothes. it's the realisation that i'm getting no sleep in that scenario: the cliche where you talk all through the night. and this time, it wont matter that we wake up at 2 the next afternoon - we have all the time in the world, just between us.

i am seeing first hand the fruits of patience: it was once just out of reach..... not now. it's so, so close, i can brush my fingertips against its surface, it's just a matter of time before it turns around and i can grip onto it and pull it close


and in this same strange analogy, i will say whole heartedly that optimism pays off - if i'd fallen over and given up i'd not be where i am now, with such beautiful people.
but no - its a challenge, a game, a hard one to fight, this life. but we do it anyway, because not doing so means that everyone else wins, and i miss the opportunities i dream of. but there they sit, grinning in a way that makes me nervous and calm and excited .... all at the same time. and i'm fairly certain that if my determaination to be 'lucky' and positive wasn't as strong as it is, i'd be a lot lonelier and more bored than i am now.

it begins as an uncertainty. you can't know the person behind the face, the smile behind the lips, without opening yourself to maybe being figured out, yourself.
As it currently is, i think i got lucky.

and yeah, this is just me going on about how great my life is.

fact is, this once, i don't care how stuck up i sound about it: my life is GOOD. Ripped todays exam to shreds, and fought to keep the people i care about around. I have a pool to dive into and wash away the day, and a garden to hide in and sun myself to imprint today onto me for all to see.

i don't do drugs, as a choice, but also because ive never, ever been around them. pretty sheltered, hey. but i bet this is what being high feels like - its all a little surreal, and im having trouble pulling my thoughts together, as shown by the atrocious format of this post.

i'm always over analysing things, re-reading things, just in case i misinterpreted it. really, it just fills in as a reassurance that i havent just fucked up something good.
and then... i realised that the best way to do this, is just to be me - if people leave because of the way i am, theyre not worth my time. easy.

going to make a spot to hang out up the back, i think. all welcome if you know who i am and where i live, that is. haha. i figure its a place to hang out with good food, good drink and great music, on the picnic rugs and chairs just as us.

sounds good, hey?

thats because life's good.

Saturday, 7 November 2009

Today is Saturday, and what a good Saturday it is : )

Well today certainly was an interesting day, to say the least: warm weather, drive to softball, home run XD, morning tea with sister, get home and garden for ages, then go and look at a car (the afterwards didnt go too well, put it that way). from this test i can officially say that i hate road noise, but if it's absolutely necessary then i'll deal with it. attempted biology revision. failed at that, and had a 2 hour chatty conversation with a friend instead :). took Gus on a walk and now i'm here.
well wasnt that a barrel of laughs readin that. i'll not put you through that again. onto more pressing topics....

1. i swear it's like attack of the killer bees outside, or at least, it was when it was light. all i could hear in my room was the dull roar of a swarm of bees making itself comfy in its brand new home: the roof RIGHT ABOVE MY BEDROOM. This is soooo not going to be fun later on, i'm hoping its only temporary and they, er, buzz off, soon, because it's not nice having 20 bees zooming around the house freaking out that they ended up on the wrong side of the glass. There's one currently sleeping on a tissue in on my windowsill. i think it thinks its a flower (its scrunched up). doesn't bother me though, because it's dark and bees cant fly in the dark :D

In other news, just to get real obsessive on you, some of the regulars may know that i keep a profile of my webpage, so i can see the demgraphic reading my words. for the most part, it's Aussies, several regulars are my friends, though there are a few very regular others - there's a new addition to these regulars I'd like to make special mention to, and no, i'm not a stalker, i'm simply referring to the data presented to my using an IP address that i cannot trace closer than the nearest global satellite tower. I make this mention somply because there as an IP addy from somewhere near Reynella that made many many recurring visits to different posts over the past few days. To whoever you are, thank you for taking the time to read through what is some of my best, and crappiest, writing. :) I'd like to know your thoughts.
Then again, that goes for everyone :) 'like/dislike' buttons are all well and good (jimmy :P) but text critiques are even better :)

Weather is warm and i only have 3 exams to go. Not worried in the slightest about the two most pressing ones - I merely need to re-read my notes on Art and i'm all set - there's not really anything to revise for Bio because i know it like the back of my hand.... or it feels like it anyways. Not sayin' i'll do no revision whatsoever.... just that i'll do it tomorrow after work. :P
So excited - am gonna be a social butterfly this summer - will have enough time to stay super busy, at the same time as being a lazy bum laying on the beach laughing with people i love to be around.

Thursday, 5 November 2009

... but this time, all by myself , and thats the way i'll keep it, please.

I remember what you wore on the first day
You came into my life
And I thought hey
You know this could be something

There they go again, showing me music, imprinting themselves onto the track as I hear it for the first time, burning it, and them, into my association bank.
I can't listen to some music for the memories it brings forth. The regret, anger, tears, happiness, and angst they caused. It's been months since I dared to sing 'Broken' by Seether again after that week in February.
Fireflies makes my heart burst with excitement and freedom, because when i plays all i see is the black of night and the reflective street signs flying past at a speed way beyond those signs. And before that burst, is a rather sharp ache or sadness.
Chasing Cars is just a song, now, one that we would tell to eachother, seeing if we could recite the whole song to eachother, alternating words, without stuffing up. We didn't make it, by either standard.
And now I'm a memory, sitting in the lyrics of a song that warbles of a failed relationship that the singer walked out on.

Except this one band. I found them. Just me, no boys. Granted, thousands of people know about them..... Boys Like Girls.... but in my circle, me... just me. No memories attached except the feeling of running through a line of pine trees, without a soul in the world to judge, or criticise.

A smile splits the blank face, making apples appear in either cheek, and a shine glow from both eyes. The smile broadens, and she looks down, as though shying away from the notion, but all it is is submission to Happy. All by herself.

Tuesday, 3 November 2009

hiding from myself? found by my ipod.

methinks i need to change my ipod playlist from the recently added songs to all my regular ones - it's full of We Shot the Moon, REM, Alanis Morisette and James Morrison, among others, and it's making me a little melancholy. Though blues etc this is intended - and i love James Morrison regardless... it's the other songs that are bothering me.

You make it real for me,
and even though i'm not sure
of where i stand
and of how i feel
or of how your feel about me,
you make me feel something
that i havent felt in a long time,
to the point
where i wonder when i last truly felt that.
not for a year.
i look in the mirror,
and see a face that is me,
but it's expressionless,
at least until your name comes up on the caller ID
and a grin splits the neutrality.
is it just a teenage crush?
but i have a feeling deep down
that i don't like to entertain
because it tells me
that i'm going to get my heart
left in the gutter.
but the explosion of positive optimism
and happiness
and safety
that being wrapped up in your arms,
skin on skin,
warmth on warmth,
i don't want to let that go.
because as stupid as it seems,
you make me feel
like i'm at home,
yes you make it real for me.

Sunday, 1 November 2009

And yet another tragic ending.

all this revision is getting me down. not because i could have been out doing other things - no, it's rather relaxing for this tired mind to be laying on her bed reading notes from many months ago - but because the content that said mind is reading, is rather depressive.

The Great Gatsby, in short, boils down to a man building his entire life around getting his once-sweetheart to fall in love with him again, but she's married and has a little girl. He learns the hard way that the past cannot be repeated. The whole thing left me blinking at the coffee table thinking 'what the HELL was that for?!' - it has a rather, er, unexpected ending, put it that way - then again, live destructively and you yourself shall be destroyed, so maybe it's not that unexpected after all.

The Crucible makes me flinch EVERY time i think about the terrible things that happened, but more so over exactly why. People are horrible creatures, and this play gave me no faith in humanity whatsoever, though it was a very clever socio-political comment on the McCarthy Regime of the 1950's and how the US has a rather odd quirk of repeating its mistakes
to err is human - to repeat this is stupidity
hmmm.... certainly doesn't help the global image, ey?

I think they jsut gave us all the depressing things to remember for year 12 because we wouldn't have understood their impact in previous years....

Cabaret, directed by Bob Fosse (by some irony, complaining about these books is helping me remember - go figure) came out in the 1970's and was revolutionary for its time in that it wasnt all joyous and spontaneous whole-street-worth-of-people-randomly-burst-into-song numbers - it was a harsh political comment re Germany just pre WW2. again, the main character is not someone we want to sympathise with, but at the same time, like Gatsby (in the Great Gatsby, obviously), we do because we see the reasoning behind Sally's actions - her desire for attention is due to her fathers total lack of said attention, and this in itself spawns a host of other issues, like her shallow selfishness, to hide the vunerable child inside her.
the songs are great, but there are some things that drive me up the wall - mainly Sally - because all through it, i had no sympathy for her whatsoever, and got extremely annoyed at Brian for sticking around as long as he did when it was obvious she's in it for noone but herself, and is insufferably annoying......apologies to those who love sally bowles as a character, this is merely my opinion, feel free to think its stupid, i don't.

but yes...... all three texts are, overall, a big bundle of wet blanket. ruined the mood in which i grinned from ear to ear the entire walk to work - i think the people in their cars must think theres something wrong with me- and its now replaced with apathy and a pressure on my eyelids telling me to go brush my teeth and snooze.
But i have poems to revise, and so i shall stop procrastinating with this post, and get a wriggle on, because i'm beginning to feel a stomach ulcer from the nervousness i keep hidden, for the most part, about what kinds of questions will be in thes exam, and what will be the compulsory topic.
i hope it's not poetry, thats all i can say. then again, i'm freaking out about all three sections, so its pot luck and this only makes my insides squirm more


but, it cannot be avoided, and as such i shan't complain any further, just put my pen to the paper and remember as much as i can, properly, for tomorrow.
I'm considering taking in a phone book to sit on, though, because the table is totally the wrong height for me - after my last lot of trial exams, i couldnt turn my neck properly to the right for about 8 weeks afterwards. am hoping this doesn't happen again as it was rather painful last time and am not keen to repat the experience.



that scent is intoxicating, and if that's the case, i want to stay drunk.

havent posted for a while, not properly, and not nearly as often as i usually do, because i've been absorbing everything. my art is finished, and i feel lighter. i have an english exam tomorrow and im freaking out because i can't breathe for more than 5 mins without yawning. but, right now, i'm listening to James Morrison 'Please Don't Stop The Rain'. it's warm and sunny outside, and i'm sinking into the abyss that is happiness due to another human being.
this is a colossaly dangerous way to go, especially right now. i nthree weeks i'll be throwing myself into it, but right now every third thoguht is about him. not good when every thought needs to be about the links between The Crucible and The Great Gatsby, and it doesn't help that i've lost my copy of the Crucible.

don't care that much, to be honest - i have enough notes that everything i need to know is in there, except quotes, and even then, i has the net to search for specific sections, so i'll be okay.
as it currently stands, i have to write because i cant say it aloud lest it act as a repellant.....
i said at the start of last week something aloing the lines of 'i get addicted to people, and i got addicted to you, and i just got over the withdrawl symptoms, so please don't pull me under again unless you mean to keep me there'. honestly, i didn't want to get pulled back under, but im annoyed with myself that i pulled myself back under, because he makes me fly higher than anyone else has. i don't know why, exactly. i can't express it, but in my mind's eye, all i see is an expanding mass of light and green power in my head, in my heart, filling me up, making me feel empty when he goes away. is this just the usual feeling one gets when someone they care about goes away?
it sucks. it leaves me sleepless, and i need my sleep.
but that scent is intoxicating, and if that's the case, i want to stay drunk. because it doesnt leave me vomiting at the end, it leaves me smiling, sinking into my pillow and quilt thinking 'yes, this is where i belong'

but if i fall to fast i'm going to get burned.
so here's the question: how do i use the brake? cause i'm heading into a tailspin: one mistake and i'm going to go down as a flaming mess, only to crash in a heap.
it's not a game anymore, it's caution, and carefulness, mixed with the strange sensation of pure safety, even though i shouldn't feel that way.

but i do.

and i love it.