havent posted for a while, not properly, and not nearly as often as i usually do, because i've been absorbing everything. my art is finished, and i feel lighter. i have an english exam tomorrow and im freaking out because i can't breathe for more than 5 mins without yawning. but, right now, i'm listening to James Morrison 'Please Don't Stop The Rain'. it's warm and sunny outside, and i'm sinking into the abyss that is happiness due to another human being.
this is a colossaly dangerous way to go, especially right now. i nthree weeks i'll be throwing myself into it, but right now every third thoguht is about him. not good when every thought needs to be about the links between The Crucible and The Great Gatsby, and it doesn't help that i've lost my copy of the Crucible.
don't care that much, to be honest - i have enough notes that everything i need to know is in there, except quotes, and even then, i has the net to search for specific sections, so i'll be okay.
as it currently stands, i have to write because i cant say it aloud lest it act as a repellant.....
i said at the start of last week something aloing the lines of 'i get addicted to people, and i got addicted to you, and i just got over the withdrawl symptoms, so please don't pull me under again unless you mean to keep me there'. honestly, i didn't want to get pulled back under, but im annoyed with myself that i pulled myself back under, because he makes me fly higher than anyone else has. i don't know why, exactly. i can't express it, but in my mind's eye, all i see is an expanding mass of light and green power in my head, in my heart, filling me up, making me feel empty when he goes away. is this just the usual feeling one gets when someone they care about goes away?
it sucks. it leaves me sleepless, and i need my sleep.
but that scent is intoxicating, and if that's the case, i want to stay drunk. because it doesnt leave me vomiting at the end, it leaves me smiling, sinking into my pillow and quilt thinking 'yes, this is where i belong'
but if i fall to fast i'm going to get burned.
so here's the question: how do i use the brake? cause i'm heading into a tailspin: one mistake and i'm going to go down as a flaming mess, only to crash in a heap.
it's not a game anymore, it's caution, and carefulness, mixed with the strange sensation of pure safety, even though i shouldn't feel that way.
but i do.
and i love it.