Sunday, 29 November 2009


It’s a miserable day. And so I’m going to write.

This is a stream of consciousness, and so will make very little sense.... just warning you all now.......

I suspect the week from hell is approaching as I’m usually a lot bubblier than this.

I’ve got about three trains of thought going through my head. The first is a monologue, the second was spurred by watching a little of Lawrence of Arabia and the third is from my music. I’m sitting down on my lounge, watching the sky get progressively more miserable. This is why I hate winter – because of the feelings it brings. Not because of the weather itself. I associate it with being depressed. And with being lonely, emotionally separated from my friends. Mind you, this song is pretty emo-ish and depressing, as pretty as it is……. *next track please*

I am meant to have an exam at Flinders tomorrow. I don’t think I’m going. I have viral conjunctivitis and it sucks. It ruined my day today. I had a picnic I could have gone to…… but before that, I had work, at which I earn my money that I need to pay back my car. I need about 150/week. I’m getting like 85. Not happy. I need another job to work during the week, even if it means I start at 9 and end at like 12 or something…. Hmmmm that would be lovely actually…….

It seems wrong to feel so strongly.

Maybe I am better than you. I’ve tried harder. Worked harder. I live in better circumstances. I went to a better school than you. I’m a snob, if I think like that. So I don’t. but there’s always still a small part of me that reminds me of these little statements every time something comes up that proves them.

I haven’t dealt with the same crap you have. But I’m certain that I would have dealt with it differently. I can’t make you change, can I? I know I cannot without losing you, and losing my sanity. If I save people as my job…. Maybe I won’t have to save the people I love. Yes, I used that word.

What a stupid word. But..... that is beside the point. If I follow parental approval, you're not good enough for me. If I follow how I feel around you, you're the one for me. And so I do the sensible thing, and follow myself. But if you know...... By god, if you knew ..... That the roots of this are spreading through my ribs and twisting around my organs, making me nervous whenever I pull up at your door, and squeeze my heart every time you look into my eyes and that half-grin appears and half my brain falls out my ear, leaving you looking confused at my own goofy grin.

God, what am I SAYING?!

The body that you just slaughtered..... That was someone’s child. Someone’s husband. Someone’s father. The humans are a barbarous race. The only other animal known to hunt others of its kind, with some form of order, without reason, is chimpanzees, as far as I am aware. We are destined for self destruction, really. People cannot expect to survive too much longer – despite our 'lets promote world peace' attitude. B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T!!! Like that's gonna happen. But then again...... every so often..... a little miracle happens, you see a scene from someone else's life, and it gives one hope, that maybe it actually will be okay.

Maybe everything will be okay.

1 comment:

  1. Promoting world peace is a good attitude to have. If we don't promote that attitude, peace-loving peoples automatically lose.

    Humans are capable of great hatred and of great love. We are the only species to routinely and unreasonably kill our own kind, apart from our great ancestors the chimps, but we are also the only species to save our own kind. Modern medicine is an example of human resourcefulness in saving life, alongside destroying it. In general, we are a species which is able to exercise great power over life or death. "With great power comes great responsibility" (as anyone who's seen Spiderman knows :P). As the human race, the most powerful race on Earth, we have a great responsibility to ourselves, to the planet and to one another to use our control and our authority to good ends. We do stand a chance. Peace is a possibility. It's just that we have to recognise one another as members of the same species, and work together for our own survival. We have to support one another, and build and construct rather than destroying. Part of the current inability create a peaceable solution is the inability to see how a peaceable solution could possibly come into effect.

    Just some thoughts.

    As a wise person once said,
    "maybe everything will be okay."

    Much love,