Tuesday, 29 September 2009

Tuesday and me

it's so tempting to just sit here in the sun, or aly on the grass with my dogs... well, dog. Gus has run off...... again. i need a damned tracking collar for him!!
was thinking - i reckon its apt that the personal messages on MSN spark so much of it. my ex's pops up every now and again, and despite resisting my intense curiosity to know what they mean, it certainly allows me to ponder things.
i don't even know how long it's been since we broke up. i'm sure if i checked my facebook messages i could find out. it doesnt matter, anyway. it feels almost like summer, which means that the sun is going to burn away any ill feelings of mine towards people, and myself.
hence why i'm outside.
no grammar today as really can't be bothered putting it in - this is a stream of consciousness and, lets face it, i don't put full stops in my ideas.
but back to the main point, i wonder where things went? it doesnt bother me anymore since i've moved on, other than my mobile phone, about as much as one can in a few months. despite the odd depressing bout of nostalgia, life is good, made my peace with their memories.
.... the wind chime is driving me up the bloody wall....... stupid breezy breeze.
courtesy of new Person, have discovered Owl City and have thusfar fallen in love..... with the band, that is. Other will take a lot longer than two weeks. anyways...... seriously. listen to it!!!!!!
all this rain has made my garden explode, i just joticed. EVERYTHING is green, even the cracks between the pavers are full of chlorophyll and furry (or prickly, for that matter) Rani can't see over the weeds in our orchard that are now idolising the bean stalk that Jack climbed, and making a good attempt at imitation.
pink fingernails are an instant energy/excitement booster. now all i need is lime green colour and i'm home free.

hey, be nice, i'm just easily excited these days ... i have to be, otherwise the certain fatal ending of the world would make me rather sad.
thats another thing, actually, i can understand the power, the anger, the passion, of rap (yes, i know, MAJOR tangent)... but i've been listening to Bliss n Eso a lot and it makes me wonder if this anger is misguided.... not just theirs, though, in general.
It's pretty well certain that the teenagers and young adults that keep in touch iwth things other than themselves feel pretty hopeless about life as a whole and the way things are going. this was blindingly obvious in the 1990's generation (of which we are the younger counterparts) with the age of apathy and angst, standing hand in hand. they say the small things make a difference. it's so hard to believe these days with global EVERYTHING. eh. gotta wonder what the point is.
just all agree to direct that energy into ONE thing, and work it one issue at a time. granted, everyone has different opinions, and i reckon thats where democracy fails sometimes. the good of society gets lost in the arguing for ones own interests. never was a fan of that. its counter productive. then again, humans were never intended to be monogamous, nor logical - the survival instinct's still there. and that means that everyone else is secondary.

Monday, 28 September 2009


I'm not going to lie - am rather deflated over the notion of no proper relationship connection. Don't get me wrong, I strongly believe that we'll be around each other a long time still, but I want what he can't give right now. Easy solution is to be patient. Which I have no choice but to do, even though I'd rather make it all happen now.
I want to know what I can do, how I can win the game, and win his heart, like I won his kisses.
but in the back of my mind, I think that I will never see this part of him, because She holds him still. I see it in his eyes as well as i see it in his words. Because it ended from necessity rather than choice, i suspect. The label of 'friend' isnt enough. Not for me. Not this time.

Saturday, 26 September 2009

Liquorice and gymnastics

It's the unknown.
Black, and swirling liquorice-coloured ink
or is it cloud?
There is no gravity here,
it's hard to tell what what is up
...or down.
But though I cannot see through it,
it is not the threatening gall
of a solid wall:
impenetrable and immovable.
No, this is malleable
and intangible.
Inhaling it tastes like the forest:
cool, damp, decaying bark.
Not unpleasant, surprisingly.
But it's this strange combination of colour,
and smell,
and taste,
that makes me want to leap through the
...ink? Cloud?
And tumble-roll on the way....
Just because I can.
Because it is likely that the other side is similar to this, where I stand now
I just can't see it.
But, oh, there is one thing different,
just a slight, but all the same crucial difference:
over there,
I'm not alone.

Friday, 25 September 2009

new n unproved

it's the same thing every time.
'this time it will be different'
first impressions, first insight, while we are told to look beyond them, are undoubtedly handy. theyre our first alarm system to warn us of unsafe things.
and yet, turn it off, and the world changes around you.
it'll be the same, i think.
maybe not the beginning and the middle, but i know the end will be.
pessimism is so hard to avoid sometimes.
it's the rain on my parade,
excusing the fact that it was pouring throughout one of the best mornings ive had in a long time.
mother objects, sister protests, father is silent in disapproval.
it's an idea.
argh i don't know. a small part of my mind says be wary, but the rest of me is too busy being happy.
is that so wrong?

Wednesday, 23 September 2009

Do I?

it's funny, if you take a step back,
to see how much they twist you around
turn you inside out
and back to front
even if you don't exist any more.

you are wiped from existence,
you never breathed the air,
nor smiled in summer,
nor kissed their mouth with your own.

you keep the ghost of a memory
locked inside, afraid
that the recollection will tear its way out
if you shine any light on it.

like a fog, silently decending
on the quietest of towns
it settles upon you.
For he twisted you around
and upside down
and you couldn't even tell.

So the step is taken back,
and we are shown a new perspective
from sideways.
it makes sense this way,
and you know you're standing on the ceiling.

She twisted you around
and upside down,
and now you can see how and why.

it's what they do,
those lovers.
they break each other,
and stick one another back up
with crazy glue.

but the heat from somewhere else comes in
and melts the glue
so that only stitches
only tissue
will heal the cracks they once made.

Even then, when the stitches are repaired
and only scar tissue remains,
all it takes is a look,
a smile.
a name.
and the seams come unstuck.

And he still twists you around
and upside down,
and keeps you there as torture.

a sadistic pleasure
at watching you squirm
knowing it hurts you inside.
attention, acknowledgement
your lifeblood.
and he's draining you of it.
so you question if you exist.
she keeps twisting you around,
and upside down,
and her look is of tragic indifference.

but you did.
and you do.
you exist.

Monday, 21 September 2009

It's Magical

School flooded.
My brother said he cant remember it raining so torrentially before.
I can. I was in year 6... but even then, it wasn't as bad.
The Quad's surface was MOVING
the creeks overflowed and the water was moving so fast on the road that it went STRAIGHT PAST the gutter drains !
and i fell asleep in maths sitting up,
and i got home and my day got suddenly better with the arrival of an encounter for Monday which i am ecstatic over.
The weather is insane, and my happiness and excitement is insane, as is my tiredness.
Though i sit here and watch Gary Ablett win the Brownlow Medal for 2009.
Its so boring but i always end up watching it every year hahaha.
So bring on the week, because in a week, i will be different, the world will have changed just a little bit, and nothing will ever be the same.........
Just like magic.

Sunday, 20 September 2009

Over the moon

Because of proof that I am doing something right!
The make-up, the eyes, the grins. All in a days work as a salesman (kinda). Well, the shiny I'm-working-so-am-unusually-outgoing personality certainly helps with everyone, but with the boys, its the smile that seals the deal. Sounds kinda whore-ish doesn't it, out of context.
Steph and Kelly reckon its entertaining, watching me 'do the rounds' (ie serving customers), to the point where I get asked to serve some of the older teenage boys, just so they can watch what happens.
It's just a bit of fun, and it makes the hours go quicker. But, it actually payed off in an accidental way.
And now, I've inadvertently discovered a Mirror in here.

His name is a mirror of others I know, his past is so different to mine, and exterior is chalk and cheese. But talking, I see more and more similarities, so much so it is alarming.
Makes me wonder if it's all just a show to get in my pants. I mean, I don't know the guy personally, or didnt. I wouldn't put it past some guys to try get it wherever they can. And, for the record, guys like that disgust me and its sad for women to give in to being used like that.
But some things make me question this, make me second guess my thoughts. Make me suspect that there is more behind the snake bites and eyebrow piercing, more than the cigarette and wife-beater, than meets the eye.

It's a challenge, and I do so love a challenge.

But this challenge, is irresistable.

Thursday, 17 September 2009


Theres that sense of being broken that emerges long after the breaking point. It begins as an uneasy feeling. Fleeting, at first. But it grows. It always grows. It’s too brief to put your finger on, initially, its only when it gets to the point that your trigger is obvious, do you realise whats wrong.

Giving yourself away so freely. I understand why people say it makes them feel worthless, without any value. A mere object. It’s been a month. I think. But I can’t tell when the crack appeared. Was it when I drove away? Or the severing of a final thread that caused it?
I don’t know. It’s too late. Invisible bothers me. Useless bothers me. Helplessness bothers me. Feeling all three at once with a single hollow stare is like a punch to the stomach. Where does this anger and regret come from? A foolish mistake, years ago. A green letter with a lie in it the original source of this angst.

Four people in the world know what this letter is. I am one of them. So make that three. One wrote it, the other two received it. To one, it was a mere greeting. To the other, it sparked a three year saga of mistakes and pain and joy and love.

Funny how the two extremes always accompany each other: pain and joy, love and resentment, calm and confusion.


Tuesday, 15 September 2009

Life Motto

Courtesy of the Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. Should be every teenage girl's anthem.

Well she never was the best
Yeah at following the trends
Stayed one step above the rest

And even though it seemed
Like the world was crashing on her
Didn't let it hold her down, didn't hold her back
Oh no

Don't worry you'll show them

There's a fire in your eyes
And I hope you let it burn (hope you let it burn)
There's a scream in your voice
And I hope you will be heard (hope you will be heard)
There's a fire in your eyes
And I hope you let it burn until you're heard
You're heard

Seventeen is just a test
Yeah and I would recommend
That you live with no regrets

And even if it seems
Like the world is crashing on you
You shouldn't let it hold you down
Shouldn't hold you back
Oh no

Don't worry you'll show them

Theres a fire in your eyes
And I hope you let it burn (hope you let it burn)
There's a scream in your voice
And I hope you will be heard (hope you will be heard)
There's a fire in your eyes
And I hope you let it burn until you're heard
You're heard

Relax girl
Turn down the lights
No one can see you shining
Relax girl
It'll be alright
No one can stop you if you try

Point of rhythm is to follow it in time
To listen to the beating in your mind
Remember if you seek then you shall find
Woah oh

There's a fire in your eyes
And I hope you let it burn (hope you let it burn)
There's a scream in your voice
And I hope you will be heard (hope you will be heard)
There's a fire in your eyes
And I hope you let it burn until you're heard
You're Heard

There's a fire in your eyes (your eyes)
And I hope you let it burn
There's a scream in your voice (your eyes)
And I hope you will be heard
There's a fire in your eyes
And I hope you let it burn until you're heard

Until you're heard
Until you're heard

Ick. Take the day away again and start with a new page in my art book.

Rarely do I get truly upset about tests. Traditionally I do okay, every now and again I do amazing, and every now and again I flunk out. It is the latter I am less accustomed to, so it feels like a kick in the guts when someone tells me that I'm not good enough, especially in essays, my traditional forte.
But today, with a mixture of stress and tiredness, I left the room and started hyperventilating - a sure sign of what was to come, especially after knowing for absolute certain that I had just failed yet another test. I got to my locker, nobody around, of course, and burst into tears. Knowing that every test from now on is crucial to whether or not I get into Flinders is somewhat stressful, particularly in legal studies, where I'm going downhill faster than an Olympic bob sled team. Essays are murdering me in a rather grissly manner, and today was no different.

That feeling of knowing that you let yourself down, let your teacher down, and will subsequently get a phone call home and have parents yell at you is enough to send anyone into shitsville. Add to it a feeling that you are a perpetual disappointment to your teacher and you have me, sitting here, alone, with my hoodie on feeling marginally better.

An email from said teacher made the waterworks open again after being told that what I handed in was (in my words) terrible and not worth marking (which I knew) and that they're willing to help me by making a predicted grade out of the final two tests I have for this year, and use that as the grade for this test, considering the room was noisy and the girls that my teacher sent to get said test took some time (not on purpose) so probably only got 30 mins out of 50. For this I am amazingly greatful for.

I got in the car and got yelled at from mum about it. I don't even know why I bother to tell her things anymore. All it turns into is a reprimanding session about life. I thought rather ruefully about the extreme difference that friends make. Its amazing. I got like 8 hugs (was rather sensitive to talking - set me off .... .blame the tiredness) and was told to not think too much about it and it'll be alright. Which it kinda is now. As opposed to mum.
Would rather deal with the supportive friends.

It was 27 degrees outside on this lovely september day and too warm for jumpers, but wore it anyway, just 'cause I can. It almost, almost, made up for the morning.

On a lighter note, had mentor brekkie today. It's where the year 12's (are meant to) come in to school for a breakfast and are seated at tables with people that are in the profession you want to do. By come accidental miracle, our careers counsellor got a honours student at Flinders to come in and talk to me. She's interested in all the same things (career-wise) as I am, and was unbelievably helpful. Seriously, was the best thing of today, other than mucking around with Dan in the art room.
oh, and by the way Daniel, there is STILL chalk on my face! grr

30 min

Monday, 14 September 2009


thats the story of the day.
(in some people's eyes thats a little sad if that is the story of the day)
oh well. it was overall a pretty awesome day except being severely humiliated by dom and his finger ( i didn't know it was that finger!)
oh well.
life is good at the moment.

am feeling somewhat ignored by some teachers at the moment, which is supremely annoying.
but it was warm, i have my revision notes here, and it was a good day, with an ending to the daniel saga which was, ultimately unsurprising after the last few days, but still nice to know that his mates take such entertainment outta embarrasing him. cant wait to meet them. haha.

Sunday, 13 September 2009

All At Once

Wow, really should be in bed right now. Havn't even been awake for 11 hours yet. That's okay, it's what you;re meant to do when you stay up as late as I do and then spend the next day doing the following:
- running from sink to cabinet with dirty trays
- carrying heavy buckets and trays
- attending to the coffe machine
- spinning at strange angles to serve and get food at the same time
- bending over and stretching constantly.

Sounds like some strange boot camp doesnt it? Or just a soft kid having a whinge.
No, thats just my weekly work duties. its good fun, but a terribly busy 5 hours. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE working there for about 1800 different reasons, but its demanding on a sick little body such as mine. Hehe.
Gives me a good excuse not to do hw on the weekends... and also a motivator to actually WORK during the week.

Well.... I try.
And fail, most nights.


It's week 9
Wow wow wow.....
4 weeks of school left before swotvac. I dunno about any other people reading this that are going thru the SACE system, but I'm in shock.
I was thinking about it the other day driving my siblings and I home from school - this independence..... is what my life will be like in 5 weeks from now.
My parents are testing this out this weekend by going away and leaving me with every one of their usual homely roles ala chaffeur, cook, and maid. WOO... fun.


I really hope they enjoy it though - dad deserves a break. so does mum, for that matter. I just wish that someone could arrive at their work and be capable enough for dad to be able to take some time off. He works himself into the ground to give me and my brother and sister a better life, and mum's talking now, especially since I'm doing year 12 and she was never encouraged by her parents to do it, about how much more opportunity we get from them and such. And I sit there and think... shit, what would life have been like without them?
My nan got a schollarship to university to do with textiles and dress making and design and such, but her parents wouldnt let her go. That made me really angry - what parent has the right to deny their kid a future. I understand that the standards were different back then, but still. Wtf?!
But its all happening now. As scary and sudden and unnerveing as it is. It's here. All at once.

20 mins

Saturday, 12 September 2009

it's ironic. by some pure accident i stumbles upon a website that is, effectively, a tracking site. its a very useful little tool, it keeps all the stats form this website. i'm totally unable to work out ip address - person connections and such, but with a few tweaks of my own......
damn i love the internet.
and, ironically, my blog is accessed more from school than anywhere else in the world. some people REALLY need to do their work other than read my stuff! haha. oh well.

Friday, 11 September 2009

surrealism from the dream world of 6am.

the world spins.
can't hear properly.
can hear the colossal roar from the wind outside though.
everythings foggy,
can only hear the beat of my own heart during a lull in the wind.
am i standing upright?
or on the wall?
it doesn't matter - just gotta follow the black passage back to my room.
detour the bathroom.
cold tiles wake me up a little.... only a little.
sinking into woollen carpet
dodge the school bag, dress-up bag, books and ugg boots.
roll into bed.
can feel the fuzzyness of the sheets, and just see the butterfly motif.
war. bombing something?
its hot. why is it so hot?
don't blow me up, i like having me all together.
wake up, wake up. hallucinating. don't want to lay back down in case it starts again.
yep. there they are, little squares trying to blow me up. they arent really squares... more wedges. look like a block of cheese, but blue. and moving.
go to sleep. dream of the colour green.
sounds like waves outside.
think of the beach.
anything to get out of that nuclear bombsite.
wake up.
can't swallow.
(thats what she said).
screw the lame jokes. only me here.
everything still surreal, but overrun by one thought:
find it, take Codral, stop hallucinating.
gotta do art. no sleep. must finish!
and so here i am at 9.22, still foggy all over, aching joints and in desperate need of a doc appointment.
no Show. *cry*
no softball?
no work?
no cassy's?

fuck i hate getting sick!!!
10 mins

Thursday, 10 September 2009

cold's suck

but the weather doesnt ^_^
i can smell spring coming... well, i would if i could feel any sensation from my nose other than that horrid one you get when water gets up there. strange thing is i've not submerged my head in water since a bubble bath over three months ago. O.o

tonight is the Night. Going to the show tomorrow (yay) as a little reward for the sadistic experience that is fridays. the only thing making it marginally better is that i'll be able to wear my jumper to the show. i don't think anyone else is ascited about these as me.... it can be seen as kinda sad, but hey, its like formal.... you only get it once or twice in your life.


Wednesday, 9 September 2009

concentration camps for people with AIDS

is a disgusting idea.

though, it was a potential truth in the 80's.

i just read that in the book jacket of V for Vendetta and was so horrified i thought i'd put it out there. then again, the mental health, poverty line and non-existent jail rehabilitation also horrify me in that nothing is being effectively done to make it better.
you know that instinct... some people get it to hug another person, in others it comes as a burst of energy for a particular thing. it's passion, a desire to do something great. in me, as useless as i feel because of it, i want things to change. i want to help things get better. i read the editorial about magill youth detention or whatever its called. it made me want to cry because those kids are doomed to a life of crime because noone is there to help them, to truly make a difference to their existence.

it's currently 10.26 pm on wednesday and the next two days are so painful im tempted to pull an all-nighter on tomorrow night jsut to get everything done. stuff sleep, if i can get my work finished then sleep will be sacrificed.

on a much lighter note than those last two paragraphs, we get out school seniors jumpers tomorrow *jumps for joy* - its been 21 weeks since the school year began (thereabouts - don't quote me on that) and only now are we getting them.
its a disgrace. i understand that putting in a new design every year requires some extra time to make it up and such, but the idea that we cant wear them til term 3 anyway is appauling and, frankly, it defeats the puropse. they are there to proudly state 'this is me. this is where i go to school, and i'm going to be a grown up next year'. by term 4 the point is lost.
i feel cheated.
wouldn't you?

Monday, 7 September 2009

num num num - the sound of a toothless baby eating a bikkie.

am currently in the middle, no thats a lie. scrub that.....

am currently more than half way through my legal studies things for the past three weeks. by some stupidity of my own i lef them alllllllll til now, and she wants to see them tomorrow *cry*
but its ok. ive heard so much of this before i dont even really need to look at the book to get my answers XD hooray.

in other news, my apologies if you see many words with a strange number of repeated letters in them in the near future. have decided that this is a good way to emphasise wordssssssssssssssss
though really, it just accents a slight lisp.

in other other news.....
no, there isnt much, only 20 full days of schools left wooooo. *faints* thats freaking scary!!!! its almost here. i'm almost in shock from this, in actual fact. i mean...... we were in year 7 not too long ago. i still remember a pair of round shy brown eyes coming out of a grade 8 homeroom, remember the incredible squash of the inside lockers, the game of dodgeball that you had to play to get to your outside locker without making contact with flying food (serisously, its disgusting over there!).

got sdaturated on the way to school today, then embarrassed myself by trying to dry my pants using the hand dryer, which seems like the logical solution, since i was wearing another set of pants and such underneath (what can i say -- i get cold).... and then having three of my sisters friends/people in her year walk in and go like....... 'wtf'......
o well. i got my pants dry. and my woll jumper XD nice n warm =)=)=)=)

ok i really have to go now, but i shall post again soon.. possibly on friday night when the inanity has come to a lull and i am on some insane ride at the show.
ohhhhh the show. i love that place, i really do. though it seems like i'm going with my sister and dad as everyone else i know is either not going, or has already been. *cry*
whatevs, its gonna be good fun anyway since im gonna drag her onto the twin-flip or something just as mind-bogglingly stupid.


(oh, and the title...... its best if we don't ask why that came out of my mind, i have no rational answer)]

peace out.

10 mins

Sunday, 6 September 2009

the hug

it's an instinct.
nothing more.
realistic, but imaginary.
heat felt on palms,
that slight swoosh
the sound of hands sliding over cotton.
the transference of warmth
from the dark expanse of cotton
to my cheek,
and a smile:
the warmth equals safety,
and love.
the cotton stretches,
bone stretches down the centre.
fingers trace it's length
while the mind recalls never having one of its own.
the scent.
it's intoxicating.
it's unique.
and it's all their own.
teeth close on an ear
just enough to be noticed
another smile.
arms wrap around the body
that holds another
it's an instinct
to protect
keep safe that which would tear us apart
were we to lose it.
and it's that hug that is cement
that reinforces the fact
that you need them
and they need you
no matter what.

Saturday, 5 September 2009

what are shin splints?

such a strange name, i think. it always makes me think of a wooden gardening stake taped to someones leg.
though, seriously, my shins are KILLING me. i blame work and being stressed. it feels like an ache coming from inside the core of my tibia, and around the side of that muscle at the front of the shin.
would a physio help?

Friday, 4 September 2009

Spoiler for greys and private practice a welcome one.

It is with a lightened heart that I say that Violet is alive. And most likely her baby. Which makes me unfathomably happy.
I am talking, or course, about Private Practice.
I was devastated when the most recent season ended with one of her patients cutting her open to get her baby.
I apologise if I just totally ruined it for everybody, but hey, it's a GOOD thing! Be happy she's alive.
As for Grey's Anatomy, the ending is not so happy, which makes me sad. They are the only two shows that I follow religiously, and their finales are a sad night for me. That's why the internet was invented XD


Thursday, 3 September 2009

Enigma starts and ends with a G

You're an enigma, one that keeps me up later at night than I should be.
I know not who you are, nor where you are from. I know a name. What is a name these days?
$50 will change it officially. It means little.
I know nothing about you other than those glimpses that you reveal to me every so often, existing in separate worlds otherwise.
And yet ... you seem to know me.
Maybe this is because I put my heart and soul into what I share. Maybe you just get the vibes and are good at reading my response. I don't know.
And, if names, if people, are lies, then I want to know the idea, because people die in the name of ideas. They die to defend them.
I do know that somewhere is a person I want to know. A private person that reveals bit by bit, himself on the world wide web, and somehow manages to keep himself, as always, an enigma.

10 mins

i should come with a warning label

'Capable of weirding out every male friend made'
How's that sound?
I know some will see this and think bitter or mean things, that I deserve a nastier label and such. Pooh to them.
I write this because I feel guilty of a conversation I just had with a friend I value, that makes me laugh like no one else. And that I just alienated beyond belied with a single reply: 'yes'
To be honest it was a longer answer than that, but it boils down to that.
Interrelationships are so difficult - I forget that I'm the link between brothers, the link between year levels, and that one affects the actions of the other.
To me, they are separate entities, apart from one another. Really, they're interlinked. I don't like it much, but that's life. Everybody has to learn the life lessons, I guess. If you don't, you fail at life.
No, really, you do.
But that's not me preaching, just an observation. To put simply, there are so many levels between people I forget where I am sometimes.

Without sounding like a depressive emo kid, I really should come with a warning label. Its happened with everyone I know so far. Which begs the question: why do I do it? There was a point a few months ago where I stopped trying. By some irony it was when I was with James. I suspect its a mechanism designed to sift the diamonds from the zirconia, so to speak. There have been three diamonds so far, but I think I just turned one upside down.
20 mins