Tuesday, 28 October 2008

B.G.H .... me! ! !

I'm so not in the mood to write long things at the moment.... I'm too caught up in trying to live right now. Life's so hectic that it took me getting sick to realise that I have to slow down and actually treat my body right. oops. And then today, I realised that as stuck up as this may sound, its true... I have pretty much everything I ever asked for.... and even though there are people that I dislike intensely, and chores to do, and Japanese classes to attend (ugh) it all boils down to 'wake up and smell the roses'. Summer's coming. I can see it in the leaves, feel it in the warmth of the sun, by the way we can lay on the steps at lunch time and laugh.
I think the way the sun warms up the day is having an even bigger influence on my mood than I thought it did before. Then again.... finally completing that English assignment and getting a discreetly awesome Chem result might have helped.... ^^
In any case, lifes good, and I'm soooooooo greatful for what I have.

Thursday, 16 October 2008


There are some comments which have to many responses, i get confused and mutter an inconsequental reply.
For example: today....

"You're a living cartoon"

"you shouldnt be playing around with younger men"

ya... what?

its to the point now where i've had enough of the gossip... and it hasn't really even started yet! i guess it rubs me up the wrong way so much because i have no control over it, and wasn't ready for my relationship to be public yet. Indeed... there is never a time to publicly announce that you're one half of a taboo union.
Well... i guess, there are three possible ways to go about this:
1. ignore it completley
2. answer truthfully and leave it be
3. freak out about it.

haha 3 will happen, i think. and im tossing up between the first 2.
but my god the teachers are gossips!
only time will tell, i guess....


Wednesday, 15 October 2008

Sadness and venting.

At what point does one yell 'stop! this isn't okay?'
Is it before or after you realise you've lost your best friend?
Or better yet: do you even know you've lost them?
I don't know.
I don't know how to react. I know that quietly requesting the attention back is hypocritical, since I did the exact same thing about 10 weeks ago.
I haven't really spoken to them in about 2 weeks.
Its killing me. It's like having a painting that you've loved and looked at for years, but suddenly something changed: a person still stands among the rest - your favourite person in the entire painting...but their face has been washed away.

I want... I need... someone to tell me that its not my fault.
It probably is at least in part.
I don't have control over my emotions all the time. Especially when they're hormone-related. Maybe if I'd figured out that at the time I could have said so and they'd have been more forgiving of my week-long bad mood.
The irony of that is: once the contributing factors had walked off, I was fine: back to my normal self. I guess I get super frustrated when people totally dismiss my valid observations about walking in circles, and then when someone else says the exact same thing, its embraced, and then followed.

I'm getting frustrated just thinking about it. But the fact of the matter is that I can't go back in time and make my case (loudly). Also, it cant be good, hanging on to all this crap from 2 weeks ago. Either way, I have to deal with 2 of the 3 catalysts for problems daily and until I freak out again, I don't think I'm going to be able to say what I really want to. Indeed.... maybe I never will: harsh words are never greeted well. There's also that sad truth that some people are just downright dangerous when you give them a reason to bitch about you.
It happens anyway, why should this be different?
Because this time it would be at least a bit true. That's why.

I'm considering making a list of people I should and shouldn't talk to about anything unnecessary. ie - about other people, venting frustrations ... or just being myself in general (the bouncy half included)
I get looked down upon by one such companion. snob.
I just need some self control. I can't avoid these people forever - they will be everywhere in which i exist. either way, I'm still going to wish that i can live without having to be so careful about what i say, without tiptoeing around conversations with people. It's ridiculous.

So, for those who can't be bothered reading that entire thing:
  • feel like im losing a friend, and i don't know how to go about getting them back without coming between other relationships.
  • frustrated with events that i can't change
  • loathing gossips
  • need to learn some self-control.
That's about it.
No doubt this post will create some questions from those that know me and can be bothered reading this.... but I don't actually care.
This is my site, my words, my perspective on things. The only reason this isn't my total mind is because in order to vent completely would involve some very mean paragraphs and having to mention names, and I will not do either of those. 1 contradicts my rules for blogging, and one will come back and bite me hard on the ass one day if I actually do write it. I'm not willing to risk it. and 3. I'm trying to reduce the 'bitch factor' of my personality. It's neither appealing or fun.

So.... I apologise for the unusual twist of anger in this post, but like I said.... it's just venting.
Hopefully now I'll actually be able to move forwards without the lead weight of bad things in my tummy, pulling my mood down.

Friday, 10 October 2008

Worlds Apart

When are words not enough?

Now, that's when.

It's so hard to convey the meaning of a hug, of a kiss, of a loving smile...
Over the internet, especially.
There's so much love I want to show, but cant. I've tried over and over again.
Words lose meaning if they're repeated too much.
Smiles fade at that which used to instil them so vibrantly.

It's not fair that those we love live so far away.
Then again, life isn't fair, so why should this part of it be?
I guess this is just something for me to aim towards, to look forward to.
So one day, I will get to actually see the two boys that make me so happy to be me.

Wednesday, 8 October 2008

Swirls of Consciousness

I've reached a strange sense of calm right now.

It's odd.
Maybe its the calm in the eye of the storm.....

I hope not.
Either way, I'm calm, content and smiling on the inside.
I discovered the horrors of life again today.
I remembered the afternoon sunlight, and how I have to go and find it again.
I remembered what I want to do, and why. I know why I am here. I do not know who I am, but I know my purpose.

I think it's the music.

Erik Molgrain - Fates.


in 1 word... wow.

Either way, I'm suddenly happy, excited about life, and can't wait to be thrown into it so I hit the ground running.

I want to instil the same excitement I have into other people. I want to save lives. I want to build a place somewhere, a place that any kid can come to, and know that they're safe, that they're cared about, that there IS help. I want to inspire people into realising the faults of bad parenting, of drink, and how one causes the other. How the thoughts of a mother can destroy her son. How the ever empty house can teach a child to find attention in the worst of ways, so she ends up pregnant at age 15 and on the streets, with parents left wondering 'what ever happened? we had plenty of money, a good school, lots of friends. why did this happen?'.

I know that I cannot save the world..... but that does not stop me from trying to change it.

Monday, 6 October 2008

Back to my reality..... if you can call it that.

I'm home.

home, home, home.


and Nay.

Home stay was one of the best things I've ever done in my entire life, and indeed probably for the rest of my life.
The rest of it......... was interesting.....
I'm not a fan of constant travel. I'm not a fan of alarm clocks either.

Well, either way, i have so much stuff to catch up on that it's driving me crazy.
The upside is that im learning how to touch type, and im getting kinda good at it. yay.


It seems to be that while one part of me life is slowly crumbling and turning to ruins, another is blooming so quickly, so beautifully, that its making my head spin.
It's like that old saying:

When one door closes, another opens.

Sounds good to me.

But I've changed.
Have I?
I'm not the same. And neither is the life i slip into in six days.
Is it my fault?
I don't think so.
Do they think so?
But theres not much i can do to stop that. I'm kinda beyond careing what others think. Sam's easy-going reaction to life must be rubbing off on me. yay for sam. (^-^)


I realised today, while waiting in line at the library desk, that I'm getting old. not old- old, but grown up-old. It scared me.
And then i realised..... I'm almost at the point where I can rule my own life....

That in 1.5 years, I'll be starting university.
That then i turn 23, I'll have graduated.
That, if i can rack up the funds... I'll be able to set up my own suicide prevention centre within the next 10 years.

Soon, I'll be living a totally different life to that which i do now.

Is that a scary thought or what?!