Wednesday, 15 October 2008

Sadness and venting.

At what point does one yell 'stop! this isn't okay?'
Is it before or after you realise you've lost your best friend?
Or better yet: do you even know you've lost them?
I don't know.
I don't know how to react. I know that quietly requesting the attention back is hypocritical, since I did the exact same thing about 10 weeks ago.
I haven't really spoken to them in about 2 weeks.
Its killing me. It's like having a painting that you've loved and looked at for years, but suddenly something changed: a person still stands among the rest - your favourite person in the entire painting...but their face has been washed away.

I want... I need... someone to tell me that its not my fault.
It probably is at least in part.
I don't have control over my emotions all the time. Especially when they're hormone-related. Maybe if I'd figured out that at the time I could have said so and they'd have been more forgiving of my week-long bad mood.
The irony of that is: once the contributing factors had walked off, I was fine: back to my normal self. I guess I get super frustrated when people totally dismiss my valid observations about walking in circles, and then when someone else says the exact same thing, its embraced, and then followed.

ugh.
I'm getting frustrated just thinking about it. But the fact of the matter is that I can't go back in time and make my case (loudly). Also, it cant be good, hanging on to all this crap from 2 weeks ago. Either way, I have to deal with 2 of the 3 catalysts for problems daily and until I freak out again, I don't think I'm going to be able to say what I really want to. Indeed.... maybe I never will: harsh words are never greeted well. There's also that sad truth that some people are just downright dangerous when you give them a reason to bitch about you.
It happens anyway, why should this be different?
Because this time it would be at least a bit true. That's why.

I'm considering making a list of people I should and shouldn't talk to about anything unnecessary. ie - about other people, venting frustrations ... or just being myself in general (the bouncy half included)
I get looked down upon by one such companion. snob.
I just need some self control. I can't avoid these people forever - they will be everywhere in which i exist. either way, I'm still going to wish that i can live without having to be so careful about what i say, without tiptoeing around conversations with people. It's ridiculous.

So, for those who can't be bothered reading that entire thing:
  • feel like im losing a friend, and i don't know how to go about getting them back without coming between other relationships.
  • frustrated with events that i can't change
  • loathing gossips
  • need to learn some self-control.
That's about it.
No doubt this post will create some questions from those that know me and can be bothered reading this.... but I don't actually care.
This is my site, my words, my perspective on things. The only reason this isn't my total mind is because in order to vent completely would involve some very mean paragraphs and having to mention names, and I will not do either of those. 1 contradicts my rules for blogging, and one will come back and bite me hard on the ass one day if I actually do write it. I'm not willing to risk it. and 3. I'm trying to reduce the 'bitch factor' of my personality. It's neither appealing or fun.

So.... I apologise for the unusual twist of anger in this post, but like I said.... it's just venting.
Hopefully now I'll actually be able to move forwards without the lead weight of bad things in my tummy, pulling my mood down.
Finally.....

3 comments:

  1. Christian J. P. Bishop17 October 2008 at 08:07

    ADVICE ( dont sue me if something goes wrong, lol)

    * feel like im losing a friend, and i don't know how to go about getting them back without coming between other relationships.

    IF U THINK YOU'RE LOSING A FRIEND THATS DEAR TO YOU, THEN I SUGGEST JUST SAYING SOMETHING TO THEM, AND SIMPLY ASKING THEM,

    "WORRYING IS LIKE A ROCKING CHAIR, IT GIVES YOU SOMETHING TO DO BUT IT DOESN'T GET U ANYWHERE"

    SOMETIMES U JUST GOTTA WING IT AND HOPE FOR THE BEST.


    * frustrated with events that i can't change

    "YOU CAN'T CHANGE THE PAST, AND YOU CANT TELL THE FUTURE, BUT YOU CAN DO SOMETHING ABOUT NOW, ITS A GIFT, THATS WHY ITS CALLED THE PRESENT"


    * need to learn some self-control.

    LOOK BACK AND REMEMBER YOU'RE HUMAN.

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  2. lol alright. thanks christian (^w^)

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