off the rails, much?

well, schools over

.......almost

have awards on Tuesday, and big day in on Wednesday next week, but other than that.... no homework, no tests, no damned art exams!!!!!
now i have enough time to clean my room, go running, and write. yay.
happy days are coming, my friends, and i think they are almost upon us.
and now for the philosophy which i am writing this for:

attention please, to this amazingly important note from the very centre of my being:


bubbles.


the end.

7 minutes

D.o.E

well, today dawns a new day.
and a rainy one at that!
my hands smell because i opened 4-day-old, unrefrigerated yoghurt. X . x
if yoghurt is fermented milk, then what's fermented yoghurt?!
well, whatever it is, i made it. its gross. and currently down the sink. sucks to be a drain alligator right now.

in any case, that wasnt why i began writing this, though i thought it was a fantastic topic to begin with.
i'm doing Duke of Ed. (not the absence of the word 'the' in there)
meaning that i have to participate in 12 months each of community service (softball coaching), physical recreation (playing softball and netball) and a skill (writing). plus two 5 day trips into the wilderness, plus a 'residential project' (but that was sorted out by me going to japan).

since writing is my skill part, and this is where i write, its really hard to gauge just how long i spend on these posts. i know how many, and when, but thats not too much help. i have to take an educated quess for the ones ive already written, but from now on, ther will be a time stamp in the bottom right hand of my post, just to remind myself what actually goes on and for how long. right now, ive been writing solidly for 6 whole minutes. wow!
just as well ive already done 6 months out of 12.
only 6 left. good grief.

10 minutes

Us

we sit here, facing each other, revealing our innermost thoughts, desires and fears. we talk for hours about anything and everything. and still, we do not get tired of each other. today, we found a song. two days ago, it was a 100 day anniversary. it feels like years.

it wasnt so long ago that my heart was getting hung up on another soul, but this one made me realise some things, made me see reality. it's a bit of an oxymoron there: discover reality through cyberspace.

we help each other sleep, knowing that the other is okay, and that they care, that they'd do anything to help the other.

and so we sit here, facing each other, getting to know our other half, knowing that it will be a long time before we look at another's face with the same intensity as we do now.

Today's Ramblings

it would seem today is a day full of everything

that's a really stupid thing to say, i know, but truly, i can't think of a better way to put it really.

my mind is all hazy, except for a few scenes from, the past few days.
spoke to someone today that i quite like. he doesnt know that i, dont think, but the cheeky smile would, im guessing, give a bit of a hint that i think hes pretty awesome.
even though it would be great to have a boyfriend, i think im okay just being friends, because in all honesty, what with the language gap and our age, i dont think it would last for ages, and in my experience, friendships never really recover from breakups. or unwelcome change, for that matter.

but im not writing about manners tonight. well, i am, but not those manners.
which brings me to the first point of this weeks long blog: at what point does venting become bitching?
more to the point - how do you distinguish between the two?
i try so hard not to bitch, yet twice, once yesterday and once today, i fell prey to it.
god its such a crappy feeling afterwards. so i renewed my promise to myself to try reeeeeely hard to not bitch. i realised that once your in the cycle, it's hard to stop, so i may as well stop the cycle before it really begins.

how do you know if youre really in love? aremt people in love meant to have eyes for that one special guy or girl? i dont know... maybe it's just my flirty predisposition, but it seems like i always have to have a second option. i dont want to make his words become true, and turn it into something more than friends... but its just to hard to not notice a good looking, great natured person.

im listening to chasing cars by snow patrol right now. i really shouldnt, it remings me of tom and of years gone by - not good for my current mood. i guess i need to come to terms with the fact that my favourite song reminds me of some things, and that those things cant be erased from my memories. oh well. hes an awesome person, thus making this an even awesomer song ^^
(note: i don't care what you think of him, this is my opinion. and ishouldnt have to defend it)

everyone has their moments. you know the kind: when everything is just a little too hard to be with some people. haha double meaning much?!
sorry. i shouldnt make this silly, haha it'd my release for today. and god knonws theres a lot to release.
wow i really am clinging onto the holidays, and the lack of stress they bring. 4 weeks is just wat i need off. 8... is what i want. no it's not. i want pete to appear. thats what i want. i also want an icecream from the truck that comes down our strees singing greensleves sometimes. even now, i get all excited when i hear the tune in the far distance.

swotvac on thursday. 6 days away. then year 11 exams. joy of joys. maths , biology, english, japanese, chemistry, art. in that order, i think. yuk yuk yuk. oh well. there is always the downside of this upside that we get more freetime, and thats that whenever everyone organises something, it feels like im not invited.
wow thats a fantastic feeling.
its probaby not even meant to feel like that, but it does anyway. its no wonder i freaked out at my sister the other day: sometimes, she's all i have. and when she rudely pushes me away there i am, alone, standing in the middle of nowhere with noone in sight. its why im so dependent in needing to have a wider network. ugh. now it sounds like im ungreatful for the friend i already have. thats crap, i love the friends i already have. its just that within all these people, i click only with one. were on the sdame wavelength, so much so it scares me sometimes. but its great, having someone i can trust completley.

i want to have another barbecue, like we did in the holidays all those months ago. although, now that i think about it, the bbq we have at home is better than the one at the park.... and everyone gets together, eats, drinks, swims, has a good time. thats the time when i'm actually totally at peace with everything. the problem with that is that it only ever goes perfectly in my mind. so, the only place i am ever at peace is in my imagination.

i do wonder though, why some people wear what they do. i guess its just my tastes driving this one, but i saw the difference that black eyeliner and eyeshadow made to a person. it made them scary. black and red can be really sexy when worn right..... but there is just something about the heavy 1800s clothing that i dont quite get. ala goth. do they recognise themselves under it all? when i put it on, i dont. its not me. me is mascara, bright eyes, happy smile and lip gloss. thats it. or maybe its just coz i dont know any other way.
i don't know.

seems like i dont know a lot these days.

seems like i don't know me

i want a hug from my favourite person. but that aint gonna happen. i should just go to bed, ive been writing this and listening to evanescence for like 3 hours, and i have a loooooooong day tomorrow.

Tonight's stream of consciousness

I'm writing this now because i dont want to do my homework. I really should, or else I'm going to have to pull and all-nighter towards the end og the week, just to catch up... and I hate all-nighters.
i used a word count on my blog last night.... im close to 21000 words. wow. i thought that was pretty good for 75 posts, over 6 months.
now my english teacher knows why my assignments are always a day or two late.
i think i'm going to print off my posts, and make a book outta them. theyre not really that valuable, theyre only my innermost thoughts.
i want to have something to show my kids, so they know what i was like at the age of 16.
this is it, i guess. this, and photos.
i think i'm afraid of being forgotten.
no, i know i am.
i need a jumper, my room's cold....
... thats better
i don't know. i'm just tired and worried, i guess. im not stressed, because that sticks me in the same catergory that i try to avoid when i can.
do i mumble when i talk?
do others have difficulty comprehending fast conversation?
life looks so different with a different mindset.
ever noticed the ants, running around like crazy? frantically wearching for food to store before the night comes?
its like that at school. and the night is exams. all i hear is 'stress, stress, stress'. i hate that word. i dont hate things, because it's such a strong term to use, but this word, i totally loathe. they did a study.... they got a group of year 12's to stop saying the word stress... and their stress levels actually dropped. its the same with how you can convince youreself that youre tired, or sick. i always said i was tired, and i was. i stopped saying it, and it got better. ugh.
i have to do work. i dont have what i need to do it. who cares? do it anyway.
goodbye mind. goodbye fun. hello english essay and chemistry and biology and japanese kanji and every other damned bit of work i have to do.

...Sigh...

i'm in a weird mood at the moment...

i'm realising all sorts of things....

some are good.

some are bad.

the good:
i may actually be becoming the person i want to be...
it wasnt so hard. smile at a friendly face, say hi in the corridors, take an interest in what people are saying.
i like making new friends.

i'm temporarily over my moments of doubt over this whole 'i love you' debate. right now, i dont care if its real or not. it feels too good. i want to be like this forever.

the bad:
my mum brought forth a point while i was driving home the other day, which doesnt sit right with me. indeed, it actually fits right with the symptoms of the situation... but i dont like to assume that i'm so popular as to be a love interest for every guy i know. thats stuck up, and im not a narcissist.
its not a good thought though, to know that someones intentions could have been unhonerable fowards onesself.
oh well, she's right. it will never be what it was. i just have to move on.

i'm addicted to the computer. i need to get away from it, from msn, for a dew days. i guess the fact that the only way i can communicate with some of my closest friends is via msn, doesnt help at all. indeed, thats why i leave it on all day.

and the hole:
i use that term because i feel like theres a hole inside of me that i dont know how to fill. secretly, im waiting for exams to be over before i really get stuck into this idea of filling the hole. clean my room, buy a diary, go runnin, lay in the sun listening to music. lay on my floor listening to music. buy cd's, see hannah.
thats why theres hole. and im just trying to fill it until they can....

Reality

How do I know if its real?
It's just words on a screen
It's just words.
Words aren't real.
Seeing is real, but does nothing to help belief.
Touching does help, if only to confirm that reality exists there.
So does smelling and tasting
But they go into the 'not regular conversation starters' bin.
Belief exists only when you can exist with them in the same place.
Get inside their head, really know them.
I don't know him.
I don't know me.
I try.
I fail.
False declarations. False words.
True anger. True hurt.
For all the words, both typed and said, I cannot know the truth.
I cannot commit.
I cannot believe.
Not while I know that all this....

This that I cherish, that I love, that I want to last forever....

Could all just be a lie.

The Complications Of Knowing People

asking for help with emotional issues, for me, is like asking for gossip.
so how do i deal with the latest?
its like my personal life doesnt have an off switch, theres always something new and frustrating to complicate life as soon as it starts to settle down.

so, here is the situation to ponder.....
girl loves boy, boy loves girl. girl has friend. friend knows girl loves boy, but friend admits feelings for girl anyway.

how on earth do i deal with that?!

another problem is thus:
I love talking, socialising, being with people that dont know much about me. That way, I get to be the person I want to be, not the person I am. And in doing so, if I am what I want to be long enough, who I want to be, and who I am... become the same person.
Does that even make sense?
It's like how when you tell someone they're stupid for long enough, they begin to believe it too.

I worry because people see only one side of a multi-faceted gem here. they know Olivia, but not Annabell, jasmine, or worst of all, Alex. Alex is a new addition to my personality tree. while Olivia is happiness, Annabell is rebellion, and Jasmine is depression, Alex represents anger.

Alex is dangerous. she leaves the biggest impression. and it's always negative. i have a nursery of new friendships that are just beginning to bud in the garden that is my social life, with some tender care and just a little bit of sunshine. going by that analogy, putting anger into that equation is like putting herbicide on them. it would kill it.

god. what am I going on about? I don't even remember....

In any case.... I'm afraid of people knowing me. I want to be around people. For them to know me, but if they don't know me completely, then people misunderstand the occasional outburst. Then there go my friends. maybe they're not. But they're the closest I have.

I want to be able to open my phone and see a list of numbers that I know I can call any time, any where and talk to them about anything.
without the judging.
without the gossip.
without the competition.

Yeah... like that'll happen.

bye bye to winter, hello to summer, we're all getting a little hotter now. should definitely get back to running. I really have to get rid of this wobble. not for the psychological reasons, but for the mere fact that I'm running out of clothes that fit. I'm kinda hoping that I can do that without too much changing of my schedule.... I'm too busy nowadays to introduce anything new. I'll start when exams do, I promise.

one quick note... totally off topic though....
i have discovered how to write in japanese on my computer.
sound the victory trumpets!!

私の名前はオりビアです。　私は十六さいで十一年です。
日本語はことが好きです。　でも、むじかしです。

haha cool, hey!


ill write more later.... probably in english...maybe......

but as of now, i really have to finish an english essay. ugh.

オリビアより。

Jess

This is just a shout out to my friend.....

The one who can't say no to anyone, but said no to protect my privacy.
Who is almost always smiling, yet knows when its time to get serious.
She's kind and friendly and lovable and cuddly. She'd make a great teddy bear.

She doesnt care about competitive marks and is willing to help in any way she knows how.
She knows how to have a good time, no matter what that is.
We're a tag-team. Whatever one does, the other does too eventually. We give eachother the support and confidence to do the scary things, like drive on a busy road for the 1st time, be the moral support for a losing team that doesnt want to smile, and the hardest of all: turn in someone you care about for their own welfare.
She showed me today what an awesome person she really is, by saying no when it would have been so, so easy to join in and say yes.
And it doesnt matter where we are, what company we're in, when I'm with her, I genuinely feel like I can be myself without being judged. Because it's okay, shes as unique as I am.

So Jess, thanks for being my friend.

Stage 2

It's never really pleasant, the whole break-up process.
Realising that someone's over you so fast they don't bat an eyelid.
Working out that you were just another girl, the first girl, but just another ordinary girl.
Suddenly, its like a trapdoor has been opened up beneath me and I'm falling.
I can't feign a smile every time. I'm gonna lose it at some point.
I try to..... but somehow, my thoughts are there telling me that I'll never be the recipient of that close hug again. And I guess, were it anyone else id be fine .. I smile flirtatiously constantly anyway, and hardly ever have my mind fixed solely on one person ...
But no matter who they were, who they are to me now, hearing other girls talk about them in the same way I used to...... it stings.

There really are stages of grief.... grief meaning you responding to anything negative in your life. And right now, I'm at state 2.

1. denial - its okay. wasn't long anyway. didn't mean too much.
2. anger - yes it did. why should I feel like this? lets blame him. yes, that's a good idea.
3. sadness
4. melancholy
5. acceptance

~~~

I'm just lonely I guess. I'm tired of being so separate from anyone.
I want to have friends over, to see people. It's rather ironic really... everyone wants to be grown up, yet the only time I've ever been with everyone for an extended period of time has been at sleepovers. Yeah, truth n dare and pillow fights... coz that's really grown up. O.o

I want to have a picnic....

I used to love those picnics... we'd have them in the park with like 20 people from 8 families, and everyone shared food and we played hide n seek and chasey and drank orange cordial from plastic cups.

Nowadays, its the Beachouse, Intensity, Movies. Anything that costs money. everyone else's response to that statement: 'its okay, my parents will pay for it'. And they wonder why I get annoyed.... so I say no. We have enough money issues without me asking for money.
I guess that's why people stop inviting me. Because i say no usually, and have a different take on what's a good time......
Then again, ask me when T'm in a good mood and I'll say yes. Ask me when I'm tired and frustrated, which seems to be the only time when anyone asks, and I'm gonna say no because there are other things more important than debating what day to spend $50 on water slides.

*sigh*
So I figure, I'll branch out.... I'll make new friends. They were always there, I just haven't got to know them until now. Which is sad, because unless we bond enough to make the effort after school, I wont see them after next year -_-
Oh well... lots of friends is good. And if they are decent people, its sooooo easy to be nice.

unlike some other people.
thankfully, have finally have got the message across not to bother me.

So this was just some time for me to sit back and reflect on the part of my life that I hate the most. Everything else that I dont like is in my control, if I really really wanted to change it, I could. This involves other people though, making it infinitley more tricky.

Why was life so hard sometimes? So we can remember how good it feels when its easy.