that's a really stupid thing to say, i know, but truly, i can't think of a better way to put it really.
my mind is all hazy, except for a few scenes from, the past few days.
spoke to someone today that i quite like. he doesnt know that i, dont think, but the cheeky smile would, im guessing, give a bit of a hint that i think hes pretty awesome.
even though it would be great to have a boyfriend, i think im okay just being friends, because in all honesty, what with the language gap and our age, i dont think it would last for ages, and in my experience, friendships never really recover from breakups. or unwelcome change, for that matter.
but im not writing about manners tonight. well, i am, but not those manners.
which brings me to the first point of this weeks long blog: at what point does venting become bitching?
more to the point - how do you distinguish between the two?
i try so hard not to bitch, yet twice, once yesterday and once today, i fell prey to it.
god its such a crappy feeling afterwards. so i renewed my promise to myself to try reeeeeely hard to not bitch. i realised that once your in the cycle, it's hard to stop, so i may as well stop the cycle before it really begins.
how do you know if youre really in love? aremt people in love meant to have eyes for that one special guy or girl? i dont know... maybe it's just my flirty predisposition, but it seems like i always have to have a second option. i dont want to make his words become true, and turn it into something more than friends... but its just to hard to not notice a good looking, great natured person.
im listening to chasing cars by snow patrol right now. i really shouldnt, it remings me of tom and of years gone by - not good for my current mood. i guess i need to come to terms with the fact that my favourite song reminds me of some things, and that those things cant be erased from my memories. oh well. hes an awesome person, thus making this an even awesomer song ^^
(note: i don't care what you think of him, this is my opinion. and ishouldnt have to defend it)
everyone has their moments. you know the kind: when everything is just a little too hard to be with some people. haha double meaning much?!
sorry. i shouldnt make this silly, haha it'd my release for today. and god knonws theres a lot to release.
wow i really am clinging onto the holidays, and the lack of stress they bring. 4 weeks is just wat i need off. 8... is what i want. no it's not. i want pete to appear. thats what i want. i also want an icecream from the truck that comes down our strees singing greensleves sometimes. even now, i get all excited when i hear the tune in the far distance.
swotvac on thursday. 6 days away. then year 11 exams. joy of joys. maths , biology, english, japanese, chemistry, art. in that order, i think. yuk yuk yuk. oh well. there is always the downside of this upside that we get more freetime, and thats that whenever everyone organises something, it feels like im not invited.
wow thats a fantastic feeling.
its probaby not even meant to feel like that, but it does anyway. its no wonder i freaked out at my sister the other day: sometimes, she's all i have. and when she rudely pushes me away there i am, alone, standing in the middle of nowhere with noone in sight. its why im so dependent in needing to have a wider network. ugh. now it sounds like im ungreatful for the friend i already have. thats crap, i love the friends i already have. its just that within all these people, i click only with one. were on the sdame wavelength, so much so it scares me sometimes. but its great, having someone i can trust completley.
i want to have another barbecue, like we did in the holidays all those months ago. although, now that i think about it, the bbq we have at home is better than the one at the park.... and everyone gets together, eats, drinks, swims, has a good time. thats the time when i'm actually totally at peace with everything. the problem with that is that it only ever goes perfectly in my mind. so, the only place i am ever at peace is in my imagination.
i do wonder though, why some people wear what they do. i guess its just my tastes driving this one, but i saw the difference that black eyeliner and eyeshadow made to a person. it made them scary. black and red can be really sexy when worn right..... but there is just something about the heavy 1800s clothing that i dont quite get. ala goth. do they recognise themselves under it all? when i put it on, i dont. its not me. me is mascara, bright eyes, happy smile and lip gloss. thats it. or maybe its just coz i dont know any other way.
i don't know.
seems like i dont know a lot these days.
seems like i don't know me
i want a hug from my favourite person. but that aint gonna happen. i should just go to bed, ive been writing this and listening to evanescence for like 3 hours, and i have a loooooooong day tomorrow.
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