Realising that someone's over you so fast they don't bat an eyelid.
Working out that you were just another girl, the first girl, but just another ordinary girl.
Suddenly, its like a trapdoor has been opened up beneath me and I'm falling.
I can't feign a smile every time. I'm gonna lose it at some point.
I try to..... but somehow, my thoughts are there telling me that I'll never be the recipient of that close hug again. And I guess, were it anyone else id be fine .. I smile flirtatiously constantly anyway, and hardly ever have my mind fixed solely on one person ...
But no matter who they were, who they are to me now, hearing other girls talk about them in the same way I used to...... it stings.
There really are stages of grief.... grief meaning you responding to anything negative in your life. And right now, I'm at state 2.
- denial - its okay. wasn't long anyway. didn't mean too much.
- anger - yes it did. why should I feel like this? lets blame him. yes, that's a good idea.
I'm just lonely I guess. I'm tired of being so separate from anyone.
I want to have friends over, to see people. It's rather ironic really... everyone wants to be grown up, yet the only time I've ever been with everyone for an extended period of time has been at sleepovers. Yeah, truth n dare and pillow fights... coz that's really grown up. O.o
I want to have a picnic....
I used to love those picnics... we'd have them in the park with like 20 people from 8 families, and everyone shared food and we played hide n seek and chasey and drank orange cordial from plastic cups.
Nowadays, its the Beachouse, Intensity, Movies. Anything that costs money. everyone else's response to that statement: 'its okay, my parents will pay for it'. And they wonder why I get annoyed.... so I say no. We have enough money issues without me asking for money.
I guess that's why people stop inviting me. Because i say no usually, and have a different take on what's a good time......
Then again, ask me when T'm in a good mood and I'll say yes. Ask me when I'm tired and frustrated, which seems to be the only time when anyone asks, and I'm gonna say no because there are other things more important than debating what day to spend $50 on water slides.
So I figure, I'll branch out.... I'll make new friends. They were always there, I just haven't got to know them until now. Which is sad, because unless we bond enough to make the effort after school, I wont see them after next year -_-
Oh well... lots of friends is good. And if they are decent people, its sooooo easy to be nice.
unlike some other people.
thankfully, have finally have got the message across not to bother me.
So this was just some time for me to sit back and reflect on the part of my life that I hate the most. Everything else that I dont like is in my control, if I really really wanted to change it, I could. This involves other people though, making it infinitley more tricky.
Why was life so hard sometimes? So we can remember how good it feels when its easy.