Wednesday, 31 December 2008

random observations

Happy New Year.

I've heard it sooooo many times that sometimes its hard to actually believe it. But it's only now that i actually thought about what it means: they're wishing that you have a good year. its such a shame that its become cliched - because if someone really means it, that can be quite a profound thing.
I guess it's hard, in this day and age, to think about the simple things, how they may actually be able to make a difference to one's life. fact of the matter is: they actually can.
Seeing someone smile over something you've done for them, knowing that they appreciate it.
Watching the wind blow a gale through the trees while you're inside, nice and warm.
Having someone hug you when you're feeling down.
its the last one that makes me think the most: why is physical contact with another human being so important? i don't really think it should be, but then again, I'm one of the bunnies in this world that loves hugs. i guess, a part of it is being able to be close to someone, it reassures you. like, when you were scared or anxious as a child, you would go to a mother or father for reassurance, and they would almost always take you up into a cuddle and tell you its ok. maybe that's just me. i don't know. my parents, for the first few years of my life, would cuddle me to sleep. i was a total nightmare to put to bed after this though: I'd just lay or sit in bed as a chatty 2 year old, conversing with myself for hours, but as soon as someone came into my room and sat down, even on the other side of the room and didn't say a thing, i was out like a light within minutes. it's a habit that's gone on since i was born, and sometimes is a problem - i don't have anyone that i could just have their arm around me for thirty minutes or so when I'm feeling down. friends are great, but they're not the same. the emotional closeness of a partner is never quite the same as a friends.
20 mins

Tuesday, 30 December 2008

last nights dream.

He's stacking bottles on large shelves. They look like shampoo bottles. So many different colours, I think they're Redken. I'm sitting in front of him, holding a pearly green container, squeezing it gently, seeing how far it will compress. He doesn't want to look me in the eye, choosing to move sideways, to stack red and orange containers, so I have to move my head to continue looking at him. I stop playing with the container and hold it loosely in my lap, "Won't you at least look at me? Don't I get to see those beautiful eyes of yours?"
He stops restocking and looks at me for a moment, a fleeting image of sadness, then moves to beside me, filling up the brown and black bottles now. He kneels for a minute, totally focused on the image ahead. I put the bottle down and reach up, gently placing one hand on his cheek. He relaxes his neck, leaning into my hand slightly, eyes closed. I use my palm to gently turn his head towards me, and look him in the eye. "Can you see me? not my physical shell, but me? Because if you can you'd realise that I am nowhere else but here, right now, wondering just how much of this feeling inside of me is going to spill out. "It's remorse, and sadness, in the most part, but there is a pinprick of hope, that's wanting to take over the sadness, if only to help me believe that I can kneel here before you and know, at least in part, that you could forgive me. "
He raises his head to look at me, the same sad expression as before, the one he uses to acknowledge my presence here, where he knows he must converse with me.
"I don't get mad, I don't yell or swear, not at you. I hurt, though. I got cut, and this one's taking longer to heal. So for now, in part, I forgive you, but I do not stop this hurt because of that."
It's my turn to look down now, because with every word, guilt became stronger and stronger, until I reach for his hand, hanging by his side, smile weakly and say, with more conviction than I've ever felt, "I love you," and move closer to him, nervous that I'm pushing the boundaries. I say to myself 'stuff whats okay' and wrap one arm around him, pulling him into a hug. He stiffens momentarily, then relaxes, letting go of my hand and pulling me closer, hugging me back. His skin is warm as it brushes against my lips as I nuzzle into the curve of his neck, lightly running my fingers through the hair at the base of his scalp. He turns his head so that his lips graze my ear, and I hear, ever so faintly, "I love you too."
1 hour

Saturday, 27 December 2008

Outside {The Room (cont.)}

... She turns and stalks away, out a grey wooden door. Light streams through the windows, lighting up the wall and floor opposite me. I watch her go, stepping backwards until I bump the wall. My hands rise, covering my face. My fingers tug at my hair as my palms cover my eyes and I sink slowly down to the ground, tears running tracks on my face. I hug my legs tightly, pulling myself as close to me as I can. I face the left wall, staring at its peeling surface hopelessly.
Alone, the swish of the leaves moving catches my attention once more. I flick my eyes to them briefly before turning my head for a closer look: something catches my eye. My brow relaxes, the furrowed lines smoothing out. Here, it seems hopeless, yet there, amongst the dirt and leaves, swirling gently in the breeze, the light streams down upon the floor and wall and when the leaves move into the light, they turn gold. Just for a brief moment in time. And then they resume their usual dead, brown hue.
I stare at the door, a determined look spreading across my face. my eyes are fierce, my mouth set. I do not know what is beyond that door, I only know what is within these walls around me. I slowly rise from the floor and walk over to the window. Placing my palms gently, firmly, on the sill, i look out for the first time in aeons. The view has changed.
A bridge crosses a once-dry river, now flowing fast. Trees are no longer few in number and barren in appearence. They are lush and green, snaking along the riverbanks. Long grass covers the earth where forest or river does not, and it is such a beautiful sight, a single tear rolls down my cheek as a smile slowly begins to form. I turn to the heavy wooden door behind me, and take a slow, careful step towards it, as though any fast movements could shatter the illusion outside. The leaves crush under my feet as i walk barefoot through them, ever closer to the door. Finally, it is in front of me. My hand rises from my side, fingers entwining themselves around the cast iron handle. I twist the handle, take a deep breath, and push the door open.
The landscape is still here, the room i was in, a lone stone building amongst the beauty, a scar across its face. I look towards the river, and can identify the trees - willows, lowering their branches into the waters below. Walking towards them, the air is warm, the grass soft, full of life. Suddenly, I stop dead in my tracks: there is another in the paradise. They are standing by a Willow, one hand holding the branches, the other loosley by their side. I know not who they are, nor why they are here, but I have an idea. An impossible idea, but it fills me with hope. My strides become longer, covering the distance faster. A grin splits the neutrality of my face as I realise that my idea is reality. Breaking into a run, I call out 'how did you get here?' he replies, 'I was always here.'
I stop, four metres away from them, panting slightly from the run. "No, really, how did you get here?". He releasees the Willow branches and takes a step foward, into full sunlight, which glints off the metal, framing glass on his face. "I was always here, waiting for you to overcome your doubt and fear. Do you recognise this place?" he replies, sweeping one hand around him, motioning to the tree. I gasp, and nod. I know exactly where we are. " So, this is real, then? You're actually here, and so am I?"
"Of course I am, Olivia."
Simultaneously, we embrace, relishing the feeling of being together once again. Annabel believed it was impossible, that I would die before my daydream became reality, but here he is, holding me in his arms, and I, at last, am at peace.
1hour 45 mins

Night Rain

So it rained last night.
Wow. Whoopee. Who cares?

The difference was...
It was a thunder storm!!!

It woke me up at exaxtly 12:15 earlier this morning, which, ironically, was exactly the same time I got a text from Tom.
And the charger for my gorgeous new laptop was in and turned on, so there was a pale blue light cast over my bedroom - it was strangely comforting ... I'm now seriously considering getting a night light... I just lay there, texting Tom for like an hour and a half, listening to the thunder and rain in my alien blue light. It was great.
I should have known it was going to bucket down - it was bright orange outside during the last stage of sun down. Everything was orange and pink - weird!
It's times like this that I love holidays - if thaat had been during the school term I would have been really really annoyed at the thunder for waking me up and tried to get back to sleep straight away for fear of losing precious sleep.
But now, you can hear, smell and see the effects of last night's deluge - there are birds, frogs and insects all chirrping away in my garden and everything looks greener in the morning sun. The air is cooler, but still humid, just like it is in Queensland afer a downpour. I love my home.

So I just though I would post that, and pose the question:
Did anyone else in Adelaide get the thunderstorm, or was it just in the A.Hills?

25 mins

Monday, 22 December 2008

right now, i'm broken. so this is just a fast note to ask forgiveness for any depressive or angry posts. this is me trying to deal with a hell of a lot of grief.

i want to push everyone away, to lock myself in my room for a few weeks and be utterly miserable.
thats a waste of time.
i have to return to the state of mind where i'm excited about seeing people i like being around. right now that just brings one name to mind, and thats not much fun at this moment, because, like i said once before, i feel like someone i love just died.
and i don't like it. not one bit.

Sunday, 21 December 2008

untitled (a brief overview of my thoughts right now)

So there's really only one thing on my mind at the moment, and for anonymity purposes, I'm not going to mention it.
Bit hard to write about it, then, don't you think?
But I'll work around that, always do.

To you know who you are: I'm feeling kinda rejected, a tiny tiny bit pissed off and a lot more screwed over. But most of that I slept off last night, so I'm pretty well okay now. I'm still expecting to hang out on a regular basis.

I think I'm going to give up on technology for a while - or at least until i get some new stuff that I'll be able to sit outside and use - I'm sick of sitting in this same old room that I hate, at a desk that's too tall for me in a chair that's too short (though very comfy - its an armchair).
all I can say is yay for a new laptop for Christmas.
I've worked out what it is: it's the paint scheme in here - the walls are brick or a gross version of olive green. According to some people, I'd fit in here - because I'm an olive tree. O.o

Go figure.

It's 4 days until Christmas. People call me and my sister Ebenezer Scrooge because we're not huge fans of the event. I think, for me, its because of a combination of be being scarred by seafood (watching 7 other people tear apart a prawn limb by limb is undoubtedly gross) and my extended family, other than my grandparents, who take an interest by default and because they love us, have nothing whatsoever to do with us. The last time I saw my whole family together, I was.... 10 months old. And maybe, just maybe, a fair few of them were at my parents 40th birthday. But I don't remember much about that night - it was half my lifespan ago.
The phrase 'long time, no see' doesn't do justice for this.
When I get older, leave home, and have kids, I'm determined not to be like that. Even though I loathe my sibling (s) sometimes, as we get older I realise that we will probably be great friends once we stop living together and have to put up with one-another 24/7. I want my kids to be able to know who their family, their whole family, is (are?) . I feel like I missed out on a heap of things - I hear my friends talk about their family and all the great stuff they do and I think 'I have loads of cousins and second cousins around my age and a little bit older, why can't I know them like these guys know theirs?'. Mum's always like "live your life, we send you to a great school because of all the amazing opportunities they provide, both educationally and otherwise. Take full advantage of that, and give as much back as you can.' Well, I take my opportunities where I can. We have 24 people in my family that I know of, and that's just from what I've gathered over names mentioned more than once. But I only see 7 of them at least once a year (four of which I live with) so... This one aspect of my life.... I feel like I've missed out on. And I hate it.
1 hour

Wednesday, 17 December 2008


I worked it out on the bus home: I am so confused bout the complexities of my social interactions because I like to be that way - it gives my mind stimulation, and a reason to keep going.
Just though I'd put that out there ...
not that anyone would care, but that was a rather startling revelation for me.
and this is also the second shortest blog ive ever written (the first was my first)

Tuesday, 16 December 2008

the lost child

The wall is crumbling,
Defence receding,
Until a child appears,
Lost and confused
Amongst all the movement surrounding her,
That only she can see.
To the unknowing observer,
She is all alone in an ancient ruin,
Little light brown pigtails twisting
As she spins around on the spot,
Looking for a safer place than here.
Blue eyes flick over each ruined wall,
Until suddenly, she sees something.
Her eyes light up and she smiles:
There is someone out there,
Blurred, but recognisable:
Someone she trusts to keep her safe.
She begins to totter
Over the uneven ground towards them,
But their smile is reduced to a sad neutrality
As they begin to fade into non-existence.
The little girl begins to run towards them,
Holding one arm out,
Trying to catch them before they're gone.
Too late.
She reaches them right as they disappear entirely,
And she is once again in the centre of the ruins - they seem to go on forever.
She looks around once more,
Her legs give way and drops to the floor.
Silently, a fat tear begins to form.
It spills over her eyelashes
And rolls down one cheek.
Softly, she begins to cry,
Realising that she does not know
Where she is,
Or if anyone can find her.

Monday, 15 December 2008


I'm at a cross roads, and I have no idea which way to turn.
It would be so easy to turn back the way I came, because I know the territory.
One leads over the blue oceans and one to the Orient, while a third, the widest, lays directly before me, an expanse of straight, empty road.

One sentence changed everything.
I wish it had never been uttered by the lips I remember so well.

Scenarios fly around my head, trying to play themselves to finality, but until they actually stop trying to play all at once, they won't.
I have to stop and think about one thing at a time these days.
Too many complicated possibilities.

It's not fair to put so many possibilities in front of such an indecisive person, nor one who cares about what happens to others because of what I do or say, or so I've been told. Granted, it isn't always true: sometimes I'll say it because I'm too tired to use the filter on my mouth.

One leads to learned patience, a long loneliness, and a possible realisation that I've been tricked by illusions, or a very long-lasting smile.

Another is entertaining the unknown, across language and time.
Duration of entertainment: unknown, though the forecast involves a fresh face and a suitable personality match for the ride.

The third is a trip into history.
Knowing that the things once happened, could well reappear when I relax and let my hair down.
This is the most difficult road, the most dangerous.
When I try to look further down the road, it's misty, and once side faintly shows a green pasture, and vines in glower.
The other is a wasteland. The two extremes: pleasant, and broken.

If I jump the gun, and begin too fast, one road will close so fast I'll be fallen flat on my pants in the earth. Yet, take my time, and it could still close. It was a dare the first, chickening out the second, Missing the third, the fourth a mistake and desire as a fifth.

It's been called poison.
That word always makes me think of dark green vines with deep purple thorns, dripping with something acid green.
It's a beautiful word, but terrible.

Regardless of that, I'm still standing here where the winds of change are blowing a gale and a dust storm seems to be coming, confusing me further. I'll just have to wait for the air to settle down until I can see again, if only a little better than I can now.
30 minutes

Tuesday, 9 December 2008

year 12

It's here. I don't like it. There's something undoubtedly cool about it - being the oldest kids at school, having the most power (there's a superiority complex waiting to happen, right there) and having the teachers there for everything. It's like in movies when there's someone really good, and they have a white light cast down upon them, and the angelic music.... well... that's year 12.
But the light is fading and the fact I regularly converse with the younger kids isn't inspiring me with much confidence of the "I-am-a-12 - do-my-almighty-bidding" thing working......
Oh well.....

More to the point... HOLY COW IN A TOGA, it's here already?
I remember year 9, it was 3 years ago, to state the bleeding obvious, and I was having a total panic attack about year 10 - I wasn't ready to be a big person.

I'm still not

But I am.
Though, not like I thought I'd be... I'm quite content being me, the good, the bad, and the immature. The beauty of this now is that people start listening to what you say..... well... everyone but the people that really know you, that is. I'm looking forward to that...

It's going to be hard, or so everyone says. I'm going to have to make more sacrifices now than ever before.
Haha I reckon that if I deleted MSN and kept a tidy desk, my marks would sky-rocket.
Well... I'm not deleting MSN - it's my only method of communication to some people.
Well, we'll see maybe I'll misplace it for a while, see how it goes.... But regardless of that, I can't really appreciate the sheer task ahead of me. I'll just have to take a leap into the unknown, and trust my teachers to hold the light that I follow faithfully to guide me to safety.....
I don't like having to depend on people so much.

Oh well. Maybe just this once..... who knows, maybe, just maybe... I'll come out the other end smiling.

Observations from behind a brick wall

Good ol' wavelengths and psychic conversations... shame I dont get them with anyone else but one.
It's one of the times when I'm glad of my sister's lack of tact: she said exactly what I was thinking, 'Another walk, hey?'
It's true.... How much more blatant does it need to be when someone wants a private conversation? Fair enough... but for the majority of the day?!

Maybe I'm too boring or something, Maybe I have other interests than celebrities or who did what last saturday. Either way, I manage to set myself apart from a lot people, and I don't like it. It's like a barrier I want to tear down, but don't: if I do, I become just like everyone else, and I dont want that. If I don't, I have to live with the irritation of not being able to say 'thats rude' when its the truth.

I hate 'common courtesy' sometimes. It's like you have to have a heap of authority to actually be able to say what you need to without being chastised for it. Ugh. Oh well... Next time maybe....

It's like dad says - pick friends that you enjoy being around, are comfortable with and trust.
What he doesn't understand is that the social politics of school are obscene in amount.
I give up. I have a couple of best buddies, I guess that's all i really need to stay happy, ala laughing fits in the pool until you have to cling to the side to stop from sinking.

good times.....
30 minutes

Wednesday, 3 December 2008

Three's a crowd and Other Thoughts

A fast note before i get onto the reason of posting tonight:
Yeah, it got personal. It shouldn't have. Where's my rules again?

Well, I guess there's only so much one can say from the inner depths of their mind before it starts to get personal.
And even though I'm actually going to make a real effort to avoid that, it will seep into my writing. It just means that it won't be the main focus: it may start my topic, like it is tonight, but it won't be adressing anyone spesifically any more. I dont like to be bitched about any more than the next person, so that saves some of that.

.... Speaking of which, whatever happened to loyalty? Are we in the days now where, in order to become close with people, your friends, you have to be mean about your other friends? Granted, there are always going to be times when venting frustration is necessary, but unwarranted insult is obscene. But I don't really know what's worse: the action, or making it blatantly obvious that that is ones intention, via looks, words,actions, or tone of voice. I reckon I do a pretty good job in general, keeping it to a minimum. Others will emphatically, hypocritically disagree with that statement. But when I do, I have a spesific incident behind every comment, and am happy to explaion every reason as to my less nice comment. The fact still remains that its a really dumb thing to enjoy: it gets nothing done, only creates negative relaionships and angst. And, to top it off, if said person discovers that one has been bitching about them, it is never met nicely.

Three's a crowd. It sucks. I've always been 1 of a trio, and I never seem to learn that it doesn't work out: it is always one person taking the back seat in conversations, in 'best friend' scuffles, one being left out if only one was invited over on the weekend...
I was always that extra, after being the core of the original friendship. Another way to turn it around to myself is to say that I'm the cause of all my failed friendships. Mmmm. I'll pass. I'd like to keep my self esteem. I have aforesaid bitchers to erode that. I'd prefer to think that i just didnt choose my friends wisely enough. Then again, with the shyness I have a lot of the time, it doesnt really surprise me I was drawn to the more outgoing-without-being-too-loud type. But that's okay, I have people now that have that loyalty and character that they should win a medal for. In fact, I'm pretty sure a few of them have won medals for it.
It's a nice contrast: loyal, strong characters, and weak, disloyal ones that are around in the form of 'friends', primarily because the latter makes me realise just how great the former are.

I'm tired of thinking, I've decided. I'm happy to write, to paint, and do most other philosophical activities i usually do over the course of the holidays, but I've had enough of self-imposed seclusion. granted, it may be the reason why i'm excluded now by others anyway, but whatever; i enjoyed the last few summer holidays, choosing not to see anyone: spending a year in close contact with personality clashes is just downright dangerous, i needed the 8 weeks to get away to my own resort: home.
But thinking only makes me realise how fractured that which i believed to be indestructable, really is. I don't like seeing small pieces of what we worked so hard to build, fall away effortlessly. Maybe it's because i didn't work hard enough to save it. maybe it was doomed to happen anyway. i sdon't know. i tried to save it. it just ended up stabilising. i didn't, and it won't, go back to how it was.

that's another thing: why do people cling onto the past? is it because they remember the best bits of it, and conveniently omit the rest? well, no one has a time machine as of yet. no one has made the ability to become invisible at will yet either. I'm a dreamer, an idealist, and a realist. contradictory, I know. But I am also a practical optimist: I think like the boys when it comes to most issues: I try to solve them, rather than only give a sympathetic ear.
So, I think of crazy ideas that might work, then store them away if they wont at this time - maybe they will later. I have all sorts of ideas about the education system, the human rights system, world aid, its just a matter of getting them written and heard throughtout the nations. I don't bother with pie-in-the-sky concepts, like world peace (i know i just outraged most readers by saying that, but its true, if you look at human evolution, we're designed to be territorial and vicious to survive. its how gangs work so well. either way, its against human nature to be totally at peace, all the time.) but believe taht a world government can work if gone about the right way.

Well, thats enough for my ramblings tonight. Right now, the birds are squaking outside my window in the gum trees, and the last of the afternoon light is fading from the tallest trees. It will be night soon, and then come the crickets. School is over and I have a rather alarming magnitude of work to do for next year.
But that can wait for a few more days: my room's hygiene comes first. I don't mind sorting my room, it's the cleaning that annoys me: it means I have to go through every single green bag under my bed and work out what's mine, what isn't, what I should keep, and what has a very overdue appointment with the bins outside.
there goes 4 days of hard work right there.

But its okay, because with hard work comes reward, even if its not quite what we expected.

1.5 hours

Monday, 1 December 2008


As it stands, there is a little bubble of irritation in my chest right now, partially blocking off my blood supply. Last night, it was a big bubble of fury. I don't feel like that often. For good reason:
"Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret" -

So I write my thoughts here, like always, and will then express my opinion in person later this week....

How dare you criticise where I direct my feelings. Is this because you're trying to stir the pot? Or, suddenly did you realised that you don't matter in this part of my life any more? Shock horror! You're my past, it's time you stayed there. It's only 55 words on a 1x2 inch screen.
Only words. Why do people say that? Words can kill someone's spirit. break them.
Well, the fact still remains that these words, broke the last bit. The last little, tiny bit, that still held any kind of feelings in relation to you. I'm sure in 20 years I'll look back and say, "Yeah, that's him, he's the one I loved once.... he's the one that broke me. And this one is the one that picked up my pieces." Ya, I'm hurt you said this. But people move on. I don't believe that this is as simple as the upfront meaning, it never is with you. You're the one I've forgiven most, out of all my friends I've ever had, you were the special one. Break's over. I know you're my friend, and you may be trying to warn me, but, I really don't think you're the best person to be warning of making a romantic mistake. If I fall, I fall. I choose to take that leap of faith, that risk. Because, sometimes, it's worth the fall, if only for the chance at that which you're leaping for. And I genuinely believe that what I'm leaping for, is worth a broken heart. So, in lieu of that, I respectfully tell you to mind your own business.

45 minutes

The Room

She yells at me from across the table, her beauty twisted in anger and frustration. Her purple lips forming words I do not want to hear. She stands up, pushing her chair over in the process, the old, dark wood clattering against the dirty concrete. an image of dark purple roses and emerald leaves forming a crown flashes through my mind
"You have to open your eyes, you can't keep pretending, Olivia"
I look down at my hands, clasped loosely together, then my feet, dirty in comparison to the white gauze of my dress, brushing over the top of them. I cannot look at Annabell, because I know if I do, I'll break. I'll fall.
A breeze I cannot feel blows her dark red dress around her legs, adding to the alluring image in front of me: she is so beautiful, it is hard to believe her words mean anything, and yet, they mean almost everything in this desolate room. The windows are squares cut into the foot-thick stone, the curtains surrounding them hanging in creamy tatters. The walls are covered in peeling paint and whitewash. Dry leaves whisper as they move slightly in the breeze. The mahogany dinner table is to out of place in this room, as is the bright red rose, sitting in a tall, thin, glass vase on it. And yet, it is here. Just like me.
Long, brown hair slides over my shoulders, partially hiding me as she continues, "You are only hurting yourself and me by thinking that this can exist as it does in your mind." She leans on the table with both hands, "You're a fool to even think that you had a chance at this happy family becoming a reality. He's nowhere to be found, no baby will happen, no house, no life. Not here. Stop kidding yourself. Grow up."
She turns and stalks away, out a grey wooden door. Light streams through the windows, lighting up the wall and floor opposite me. I watch her go, stepping backwards until I bump the wall. My hands rise, covering my face. My fingers tug at my hair as my palms cover my eyes and I sink slowly down to the ground, tears running tracks on my face. I hug my legs tightly, pulling myself as close to me as I can. I face the left wall, staring at its peeling surface hopelessly.
I cannot get out of here. I know she is right, and who can dispute the truth?


Author's Thoughts

Maybe it's a bad idea that I be writing on here, for the world to see: it gives the people I know an insight into my mind that, to be honest, is sometimes irritating. Especially when I receive knowledge of a scathing opinion of how I run my life, when I'm trying to sleep.
Maybe I should just write on a private blog that most people can't see. Then only me and the few selected readers would be able to read what I think. but then again, I know others who like to read what I have to say (saz, christian, jim).
So I'm in a bit of a pickle.
Well, I can't block certain people from reading it: it's all or none. I pick none. I like random people, for the most part, reading what I have to say, and thats how its going to be.

I guess I started this believing that what I had to say might make some difference to someone I don't even know. Well, its certainly influenced my relationships here, and it's made me other friends.
I like having friends. There's not much more to say about it.

So, carry on my dear fellow, sprouting your philosophical nonsense to the world. Who knows: someone might actually listen.
10 minutes

Friday, 28 November 2008

off the rails, much?

well, schools over
have awards on Tuesday, and big day in on Wednesday next week, but other than that.... no homework, no tests, no damned art exams!!!!!
now i have enough time to clean my room, go running, and write. yay.
happy days are coming, my friends, and i think they are almost upon us.
and now for the philosophy which i am writing this for:

attention please, to this amazingly important note from the very centre of my being:


the end.

7 minutes

Saturday, 22 November 2008


well, today dawns a new day.
and a rainy one at that!
my hands smell because i opened 4-day-old, unrefrigerated yoghurt. X . x
if yoghurt is fermented milk, then what's fermented yoghurt?!
well, whatever it is, i made it. its gross. and currently down the sink. sucks to be a drain alligator right now.

in any case, that wasnt why i began writing this, though i thought it was a fantastic topic to begin with.
i'm doing Duke of Ed. (not the absence of the word 'the' in there)
meaning that i have to participate in 12 months each of community service (softball coaching), physical recreation (playing softball and netball) and a skill (writing). plus two 5 day trips into the wilderness, plus a 'residential project' (but that was sorted out by me going to japan).

since writing is my skill part, and this is where i write, its really hard to gauge just how long i spend on these posts. i know how many, and when, but thats not too much help. i have to take an educated quess for the ones ive already written, but from now on, ther will be a time stamp in the bottom right hand of my post, just to remind myself what actually goes on and for how long. right now, ive been writing solidly for 6 whole minutes. wow!
just as well ive already done 6 months out of 12.
only 6 left. good grief.

10 minutes

Sunday, 16 November 2008


we sit here, facing each other, revealing our innermost thoughts, desires and fears. we talk for hours about anything and everything. and still, we do not get tired of each other. today, we found a song. two days ago, it was a 100 day anniversary. it feels like years.

it wasnt so long ago that my heart was getting hung up on another soul, but this one made me realise some things, made me see reality. it's a bit of an oxymoron there: discover reality through cyberspace.
we help each other sleep, knowing that the other is okay, and that they care, that they'd do anything to help the other.

and so we sit here, facing each other, getting to know our other half, knowing that it will be a long time before we look at another's face with the same intensity as we do now.

Friday, 14 November 2008

Today's Ramblings

it would seem today is a day full of everything

that's a really stupid thing to say, i know, but truly, i can't think of a better way to put it really.

my mind is all hazy, except for a few scenes from, the past few days.
spoke to someone today that i quite like. he doesnt know that i, dont think, but the cheeky smile would, im guessing, give a bit of a hint that i think hes pretty awesome.
even though it would be great to have a boyfriend, i think im okay just being friends, because in all honesty, what with the language gap and our age, i dont think it would last for ages, and in my experience, friendships never really recover from breakups. or unwelcome change, for that matter.

but im not writing about manners tonight. well, i am, but not those manners.
which brings me to the first point of this weeks long blog: at what point does venting become bitching?
more to the point - how do you distinguish between the two?
i try so hard not to bitch, yet twice, once yesterday and once today, i fell prey to it.
god its such a crappy feeling afterwards. so i renewed my promise to myself to try reeeeeely hard to not bitch. i realised that once your in the cycle, it's hard to stop, so i may as well stop the cycle before it really begins.

how do you know if youre really in love? aremt people in love meant to have eyes for that one special guy or girl? i dont know... maybe it's just my flirty predisposition, but it seems like i always have to have a second option. i dont want to make his words become true, and turn it into something more than friends... but its just to hard to not notice a good looking, great natured person.

im listening to chasing cars by snow patrol right now. i really shouldnt, it remings me of tom and of years gone by - not good for my current mood. i guess i need to come to terms with the fact that my favourite song reminds me of some things, and that those things cant be erased from my memories. oh well. hes an awesome person, thus making this an even awesomer song ^^
(note: i don't care what you think of him, this is my opinion. and ishouldnt have to defend it)

everyone has their moments. you know the kind: when everything is just a little too hard to be with some people. haha double meaning much?!
sorry. i shouldnt make this silly, haha it'd my release for today. and god knonws theres a lot to release.
wow i really am clinging onto the holidays, and the lack of stress they bring. 4 weeks is just wat i need off. 8... is what i want. no it's not. i want pete to appear. thats what i want. i also want an icecream from the truck that comes down our strees singing greensleves sometimes. even now, i get all excited when i hear the tune in the far distance.

swotvac on thursday. 6 days away. then year 11 exams. joy of joys. maths , biology, english, japanese, chemistry, art. in that order, i think. yuk yuk yuk. oh well. there is always the downside of this upside that we get more freetime, and thats that whenever everyone organises something, it feels like im not invited.
wow thats a fantastic feeling.
its probaby not even meant to feel like that, but it does anyway. its no wonder i freaked out at my sister the other day: sometimes, she's all i have. and when she rudely pushes me away there i am, alone, standing in the middle of nowhere with noone in sight. its why im so dependent in needing to have a wider network. ugh. now it sounds like im ungreatful for the friend i already have. thats crap, i love the friends i already have. its just that within all these people, i click only with one. were on the sdame wavelength, so much so it scares me sometimes. but its great, having someone i can trust completley.

i want to have another barbecue, like we did in the holidays all those months ago. although, now that i think about it, the bbq we have at home is better than the one at the park.... and everyone gets together, eats, drinks, swims, has a good time. thats the time when i'm actually totally at peace with everything. the problem with that is that it only ever goes perfectly in my mind. so, the only place i am ever at peace is in my imagination.

i do wonder though, why some people wear what they do. i guess its just my tastes driving this one, but i saw the difference that black eyeliner and eyeshadow made to a person. it made them scary. black and red can be really sexy when worn right..... but there is just something about the heavy 1800s clothing that i dont quite get. ala goth. do they recognise themselves under it all? when i put it on, i dont. its not me. me is mascara, bright eyes, happy smile and lip gloss. thats it. or maybe its just coz i dont know any other way.
i don't know.

seems like i dont know a lot these days.
seems like i don't know me
i want a hug from my favourite person. but that aint gonna happen. i should just go to bed, ive been writing this and listening to evanescence for like 3 hours, and i have a loooooooong day tomorrow.

Monday, 10 November 2008

Tonight's stream of consciousness

I'm writing this now because i dont want to do my homework. I really should, or else I'm going to have to pull and all-nighter towards the end og the week, just to catch up... and I hate all-nighters.
i used a word count on my blog last night.... im close to 21000 words. wow. i thought that was pretty good for 75 posts, over 6 months.
now my english teacher knows why my assignments are always a day or two late.
i think i'm going to print off my posts, and make a book outta them. theyre not really that valuable, theyre only my innermost thoughts.
i want to have something to show my kids, so they know what i was like at the age of 16.
this is it, i guess. this, and photos.
i think i'm afraid of being forgotten.
no, i know i am.
i need a jumper, my room's cold....
... thats better
i don't know. i'm just tired and worried, i guess. im not stressed, because that sticks me in the same catergory that i try to avoid when i can.
do i mumble when i talk?
do others have difficulty comprehending fast conversation?
life looks so different with a different mindset.
ever noticed the ants, running around like crazy? frantically wearching for food to store before the night comes?
its like that at school. and the night is exams. all i hear is 'stress, stress, stress'. i hate that word. i dont hate things, because it's such a strong term to use, but this word, i totally loathe. they did a study.... they got a group of year 12's to stop saying the word stress... and their stress levels actually dropped. its the same with how you can convince youreself that youre tired, or sick. i always said i was tired, and i was. i stopped saying it, and it got better. ugh.
i have to do work. i dont have what i need to do it. who cares? do it anyway.
goodbye mind. goodbye fun. hello english essay and chemistry and biology and japanese kanji and every other damned bit of work i have to do.

Sunday, 9 November 2008


i'm in a weird mood at the moment...

i'm realising all sorts of things....

some are good.

some are bad.

the good:
i may actually be becoming the person i want to be...
it wasnt so hard. smile at a friendly face, say hi in the corridors, take an interest in what people are saying.
i like making new friends.

i'm temporarily over my moments of doubt over this whole 'i love you' debate. right now, i dont care if its real or not. it feels too good. i want to be like this forever.

the bad:
my mum brought forth a point while i was driving home the other day, which doesnt sit right with me. indeed, it actually fits right with the symptoms of the situation... but i dont like to assume that i'm so popular as to be a love interest for every guy i know. thats stuck up, and im not a narcissist.
its not a good thought though, to know that someones intentions could have been unhonerable fowards onesself.
oh well, she's right. it will never be what it was. i just have to move on.

i'm addicted to the computer. i need to get away from it, from msn, for a dew days. i guess the fact that the only way i can communicate with some of my closest friends is via msn, doesnt help at all. indeed, thats why i leave it on all day.

and the hole:
i use that term because i feel like theres a hole inside of me that i dont know how to fill. secretly, im waiting for exams to be over before i really get stuck into this idea of filling the hole. clean my room, buy a diary, go runnin, lay in the sun listening to music. lay on my floor listening to music. buy cd's, see hannah.
thats why theres hole. and im just trying to fill it until they can....

Saturday, 8 November 2008


How do I know if its real?
It's just words on a screen
It's just words.
Words aren't real.
Seeing is real, but does nothing to help belief.
Touching does help, if only to confirm that reality exists there.
So does smelling and tasting
But they go into the 'not regular conversation starters' bin.
Belief exists only when you can exist with them in the same place.
Get inside their head, really know them.
I don't know him.
I don't know me.

I try.
I fail.
False declarations. False words.
True anger. True hurt.
For all the words, both typed and said, I cannot know the truth.
I cannot commit.
I cannot believe.
Not while I know that all this....
This that I cherish, that I love, that I want to last forever....

Could all just be a lie.

The Complications Of Knowing People

asking for help with emotional issues, for me, is like asking for gossip.
so how do i deal with the latest?
its like my personal life doesnt have an off switch, theres always something new and frustrating to complicate life as soon as it starts to settle down.

so, here is the situation to ponder.....
girl loves boy, boy loves girl. girl has friend. friend knows girl loves boy, but friend admits feelings for girl anyway.

how on earth do i deal with that?!

another problem is thus:
I love talking, socialising, being with people that dont know much about me. That way, I get to be the person I want to be, not the person I am. And in doing so, if I am what I want to be long enough, who I want to be, and who I am... become the same person.
Does that even make sense?
It's like how when you tell someone they're stupid for long enough, they begin to believe it too.

I worry because people see only one side of a multi-faceted gem here. they know Olivia, but not Annabell, jasmine, or worst of all, Alex. Alex is a new addition to my personality tree. while Olivia is happiness, Annabell is rebellion, and Jasmine is depression, Alex represents anger.

Alex is dangerous. she leaves the biggest impression. and it's always negative. i have a nursery of new friendships that are just beginning to bud in the garden that is my social life, with some tender care and just a little bit of sunshine. going by that analogy, putting anger into that equation is like putting herbicide on them. it would kill it.

god. what am I going on about? I don't even remember....

In any case.... I'm afraid of people knowing me. I want to be around people. For them to know me, but if they don't know me completely, then people misunderstand the occasional outburst. Then there go my friends. maybe they're not. But they're the closest I have.

I want to be able to open my phone and see a list of numbers that I know I can call any time, any where and talk to them about anything.
without the judging.
without the gossip.
without the competition.

Yeah... like that'll happen.

Thursday, 6 November 2008

bye bye to winter, hello to summer, we're all getting a little hotter now. should definitely get back to running. I really have to get rid of this wobble. not for the psychological reasons, but for the mere fact that I'm running out of clothes that fit. I'm kinda hoping that I can do that without too much changing of my schedule.... I'm too busy nowadays to introduce anything new. I'll start when exams do, I promise.

one quick note... totally off topic though....
i have discovered how to write in japanese on my computer.
sound the victory trumpets!!

私の名前はオりビアです。 私は十六さいで十一年です。
日本語はことが好きです。 でも、むじかしです。

haha cool, hey!

ill write more later.... probably in english...maybe......

but as of now, i really have to finish an english essay. ugh.


Wednesday, 5 November 2008


This is just a shout out to my friend.....

The one who can't say no to anyone, but said no to protect my privacy.
Who is almost always smiling, yet knows when its time to get serious.
She's kind and friendly and lovable and cuddly. She'd make a great teddy bear.

She doesnt care about competitive marks and is willing to help in any way she knows how.
She knows how to have a good time, no matter what that is.
We're a tag-team. Whatever one does, the other does too eventually. We give eachother the support and confidence to do the scary things, like drive on a busy road for the 1st time, be the moral support for a losing team that doesnt want to smile, and the hardest of all: turn in someone you care about for their own welfare.
She showed me today what an awesome person she really is, by saying no when it would have been so, so easy to join in and say yes.
And it doesnt matter where we are, what company we're in, when I'm with her, I genuinely feel like I can be myself without being judged. Because it's okay, shes as unique as I am.

So Jess, thanks for being my friend.

Saturday, 1 November 2008

Stage 2

It's never really pleasant, the whole break-up process.
Realising that someone's over you so fast they don't bat an eyelid.
Working out that you were just another girl, the first girl, but just another ordinary girl.
Suddenly, its like a trapdoor has been opened up beneath me and I'm falling.
I can't feign a smile every time. I'm gonna lose it at some point.
I try to..... but somehow, my thoughts are there telling me that I'll never be the recipient of that close hug again. And I guess, were it anyone else id be fine .. I smile flirtatiously constantly anyway, and hardly ever have my mind fixed solely on one person ...
But no matter who they were, who they are to me now, hearing other girls talk about them in the same way I used to...... it stings.

There really are stages of grief.... grief meaning you responding to anything negative in your life. And right now, I'm at state 2.
  1. denial - its okay. wasn't long anyway. didn't mean too much.
  2. anger - yes it did. why should I feel like this? lets blame him. yes, that's a good idea.
  3. sadness
  4. melancholy
  5. acceptance

I'm just lonely I guess. I'm tired of being so separate from anyone.
I want to have friends over, to see people. It's rather ironic really... everyone wants to be grown up, yet the only time I've ever been with everyone for an extended period of time has been at sleepovers. Yeah, truth n dare and pillow fights... coz that's really grown up. O.o

I want to have a picnic....

I used to love those picnics... we'd have them in the park with like 20 people from 8 families, and everyone shared food and we played hide n seek and chasey and drank orange cordial from plastic cups.

Nowadays, its the Beachouse, Intensity, Movies. Anything that costs money. everyone else's response to that statement: 'its okay, my parents will pay for it'. And they wonder why I get annoyed.... so I say no. We have enough money issues without me asking for money.
I guess that's why people stop inviting me. Because i say no usually, and have a different take on what's a good time......
Then again, ask me when T'm in a good mood and I'll say yes. Ask me when I'm tired and frustrated, which seems to be the only time when anyone asks, and I'm gonna say no because there are other things more important than debating what day to spend $50 on water slides.

So I figure, I'll branch out.... I'll make new friends. They were always there, I just haven't got to know them until now. Which is sad, because unless we bond enough to make the effort after school, I wont see them after next year -_-
Oh well... lots of friends is good. And if they are decent people, its sooooo easy to be nice.

unlike some other people.
thankfully, have finally have got the message across not to bother me.

So this was just some time for me to sit back and reflect on the part of my life that I hate the most. Everything else that I dont like is in my control, if I really really wanted to change it, I could. This involves other people though, making it infinitley more tricky.

Why was life so hard sometimes? So we can remember how good it feels when its easy.

Tuesday, 28 October 2008

B.G.H .... me! ! !

I'm so not in the mood to write long things at the moment.... I'm too caught up in trying to live right now. Life's so hectic that it took me getting sick to realise that I have to slow down and actually treat my body right. oops. And then today, I realised that as stuck up as this may sound, its true... I have pretty much everything I ever asked for.... and even though there are people that I dislike intensely, and chores to do, and Japanese classes to attend (ugh) it all boils down to 'wake up and smell the roses'. Summer's coming. I can see it in the leaves, feel it in the warmth of the sun, by the way we can lay on the steps at lunch time and laugh.
I think the way the sun warms up the day is having an even bigger influence on my mood than I thought it did before. Then again.... finally completing that English assignment and getting a discreetly awesome Chem result might have helped.... ^^
In any case, lifes good, and I'm soooooooo greatful for what I have.

Thursday, 16 October 2008


There are some comments which have to many responses, i get confused and mutter an inconsequental reply.
For example: today....

"You're a living cartoon"

"you shouldnt be playing around with younger men"

ya... what?

its to the point now where i've had enough of the gossip... and it hasn't really even started yet! i guess it rubs me up the wrong way so much because i have no control over it, and wasn't ready for my relationship to be public yet. Indeed... there is never a time to publicly announce that you're one half of a taboo union.
Well... i guess, there are three possible ways to go about this:
1. ignore it completley
2. answer truthfully and leave it be
3. freak out about it.

haha 3 will happen, i think. and im tossing up between the first 2.
but my god the teachers are gossips!
only time will tell, i guess....


Wednesday, 15 October 2008

Sadness and venting.

At what point does one yell 'stop! this isn't okay?'
Is it before or after you realise you've lost your best friend?
Or better yet: do you even know you've lost them?
I don't know.
I don't know how to react. I know that quietly requesting the attention back is hypocritical, since I did the exact same thing about 10 weeks ago.
I haven't really spoken to them in about 2 weeks.
Its killing me. It's like having a painting that you've loved and looked at for years, but suddenly something changed: a person still stands among the rest - your favourite person in the entire painting...but their face has been washed away.

I want... I need... someone to tell me that its not my fault.
It probably is at least in part.
I don't have control over my emotions all the time. Especially when they're hormone-related. Maybe if I'd figured out that at the time I could have said so and they'd have been more forgiving of my week-long bad mood.
The irony of that is: once the contributing factors had walked off, I was fine: back to my normal self. I guess I get super frustrated when people totally dismiss my valid observations about walking in circles, and then when someone else says the exact same thing, its embraced, and then followed.

I'm getting frustrated just thinking about it. But the fact of the matter is that I can't go back in time and make my case (loudly). Also, it cant be good, hanging on to all this crap from 2 weeks ago. Either way, I have to deal with 2 of the 3 catalysts for problems daily and until I freak out again, I don't think I'm going to be able to say what I really want to. Indeed.... maybe I never will: harsh words are never greeted well. There's also that sad truth that some people are just downright dangerous when you give them a reason to bitch about you.
It happens anyway, why should this be different?
Because this time it would be at least a bit true. That's why.

I'm considering making a list of people I should and shouldn't talk to about anything unnecessary. ie - about other people, venting frustrations ... or just being myself in general (the bouncy half included)
I get looked down upon by one such companion. snob.
I just need some self control. I can't avoid these people forever - they will be everywhere in which i exist. either way, I'm still going to wish that i can live without having to be so careful about what i say, without tiptoeing around conversations with people. It's ridiculous.

So, for those who can't be bothered reading that entire thing:
  • feel like im losing a friend, and i don't know how to go about getting them back without coming between other relationships.
  • frustrated with events that i can't change
  • loathing gossips
  • need to learn some self-control.
That's about it.
No doubt this post will create some questions from those that know me and can be bothered reading this.... but I don't actually care.
This is my site, my words, my perspective on things. The only reason this isn't my total mind is because in order to vent completely would involve some very mean paragraphs and having to mention names, and I will not do either of those. 1 contradicts my rules for blogging, and one will come back and bite me hard on the ass one day if I actually do write it. I'm not willing to risk it. and 3. I'm trying to reduce the 'bitch factor' of my personality. It's neither appealing or fun.

So.... I apologise for the unusual twist of anger in this post, but like I said.... it's just venting.
Hopefully now I'll actually be able to move forwards without the lead weight of bad things in my tummy, pulling my mood down.

Friday, 10 October 2008

Worlds Apart

When are words not enough?

Now, that's when.

It's so hard to convey the meaning of a hug, of a kiss, of a loving smile...
Over the internet, especially.
There's so much love I want to show, but cant. I've tried over and over again.
Words lose meaning if they're repeated too much.
Smiles fade at that which used to instil them so vibrantly.

It's not fair that those we love live so far away.
Then again, life isn't fair, so why should this part of it be?
I guess this is just something for me to aim towards, to look forward to.
So one day, I will get to actually see the two boys that make me so happy to be me.

Wednesday, 8 October 2008

Swirls of Consciousness

I've reached a strange sense of calm right now.

It's odd.
Maybe its the calm in the eye of the storm.....

I hope not.
Either way, I'm calm, content and smiling on the inside.
I discovered the horrors of life again today.
I remembered the afternoon sunlight, and how I have to go and find it again.
I remembered what I want to do, and why. I know why I am here. I do not know who I am, but I know my purpose.

I think it's the music.

Erik Molgrain - Fates.


in 1 word... wow.

Either way, I'm suddenly happy, excited about life, and can't wait to be thrown into it so I hit the ground running.

I want to instil the same excitement I have into other people. I want to save lives. I want to build a place somewhere, a place that any kid can come to, and know that they're safe, that they're cared about, that there IS help. I want to inspire people into realising the faults of bad parenting, of drink, and how one causes the other. How the thoughts of a mother can destroy her son. How the ever empty house can teach a child to find attention in the worst of ways, so she ends up pregnant at age 15 and on the streets, with parents left wondering 'what ever happened? we had plenty of money, a good school, lots of friends. why did this happen?'.

I know that I cannot save the world..... but that does not stop me from trying to change it.

Monday, 6 October 2008

Back to my reality..... if you can call it that.

I'm home.

home, home, home.


and Nay.

Home stay was one of the best things I've ever done in my entire life, and indeed probably for the rest of my life.
The rest of it......... was interesting.....
I'm not a fan of constant travel. I'm not a fan of alarm clocks either.

Well, either way, i have so much stuff to catch up on that it's driving me crazy.
The upside is that im learning how to touch type, and im getting kinda good at it. yay.


It seems to be that while one part of me life is slowly crumbling and turning to ruins, another is blooming so quickly, so beautifully, that its making my head spin.
It's like that old saying:

When one door closes, another opens.

Sounds good to me.

But I've changed.
Have I?
I'm not the same. And neither is the life i slip into in six days.
Is it my fault?
I don't think so.
Do they think so?
But theres not much i can do to stop that. I'm kinda beyond careing what others think. Sam's easy-going reaction to life must be rubbing off on me. yay for sam. (^-^)


I realised today, while waiting in line at the library desk, that I'm getting old. not old- old, but grown up-old. It scared me.
And then i realised..... I'm almost at the point where I can rule my own life....

That in 1.5 years, I'll be starting university.
That then i turn 23, I'll have graduated.
That, if i can rack up the funds... I'll be able to set up my own suicide prevention centre within the next 10 years.

Soon, I'll be living a totally different life to that which i do now.

Is that a scary thought or what?!

Thursday, 25 September 2008

日本 - Japan

みなさん こんにいちは。
hi everyone.

私は 日本の中です。

i'm in japan....... and i'm hopeless at speaking japanese... 0.o
just thought i'd pop by quickly whilst looking at my emails to say hello to any readers who stumbled accross my humble abode...

i'm having an amazing time and i will put my entire diary on a post when i get home.
note: some parts may be removed for censoring reasons....
anyways.... ciao for now.

Wednesday, 17 September 2008

Hard to be happy

Its the hardest mood to keep going, happiness. there is so much in this life that is negative, annoying, or just plain depressing.
Ikid you not, its REALLY hard to stay happy. Happiness is tiring, draining.
In the end, it leaves one so worn out, its hard to express emotion.

So, on this matter, i have a rather important point to make:

Just because i am not bouncing off the walls does NOT mean that i am in a bad mood.
It does mean, however, that if you ask me what's wrong, I WILL get annoyed.

Someone I know keeps doing this. What they don't seem to understand is that if there was something I wanted to talk to them about, then I would.
Until such time, I don't have any want to talk to them about my life - its just ammo they can use later on.

Oh, that's another thing.....

What's the deal with fake friendship?

Because of it, I don't know who to trust.
Because I don't know who to trust, I don't know who to call a friend or not.
Its hard.
It puts me in a bad mood.
And then these same people ask me why I'm not feeling great.

If I said what I think, I'd not have ANY friends. and there goes all the fun of school.

Social complexities suck. big time.


A poem, by me....

always forgive.
never forget
always give something
never just take
always try to smile
never live every day with only a frown.
always remember that i love you
and don't ever, ever forget me.
because i'll never forget you.

Tuesday, 16 September 2008


happy happy happy.....

Haha I can't think straight from lack of oxygen, I'm floating so high.....

Forum speeches today....

Some of the usual crap - 'I did this, I am good at this, I am organised and responsible' etc, etc. fair call, but after 22 of those, it gets boring. Thankfully this time we had some people that were a little bit different....

Shannon was awesome - giant cue cards, a music soundtrack and not a single word spoken. (I voted for him just coz it was such cool idea, well ok, that and coz he's a great person...)
Justin - I've never laughed so much during a speech EVER!! you are one really funny guy when you want to be. Delivery was excellent, and the digs at said idiot chem teacher were so funny.
Then there was Henry with the Ikea analogy..... 'if Pulteney is Ikea then I am your allen key'. lol
and Prue's running analogy of Pulteney being a theatre. It was a great speech, I cant deny that.

As for me.....
Well, it couldn't have gone much worse, I think. I don't get nervous about public speaking - speaking in front of 1000 people kinda kicks that out of you - but I messed up really early on, and was a wreck for the rest of it. I came off shaking. Although, apparently I look cute when I'm nervous though - my voice certainly jumps about an octave higher, so apparently I got some sympathy votes. Haha yay for sympathy!!

Oh well.
I spoke to someone I've never spoken to before today, which was good - he's really nice, I'm just too shy to say hello O_o

Haha but its all okay.
Now just have to get the house leader interviews over and done with, finish this art assignment and pack for Japan, andIi'm all good :D

Good luck to me. lol, I'm so unorganised....


ps... look - its a smiley impersonating elton john: *-*


{{ H + U + G + S }}

just thought i'd make a quick note to say ....

i love hugs.

kisses too, but hugs are more appropriate when you're not going out with them.......

what I miss is those proper 'I don't want you to go' type hugs, the full-bodied, arms holding-you-close type ones, where its as though there's noone else on the planet except you and them.

i love those hugs.
i love all hugs, so long as theyre sincere.
i hate fake-huggers: hugs are special, anf not meant to be un-meant.

Sunday, 14 September 2008

I am.

i am a sun, spreading my warmth and light into even the coldest, darkest corners of people.
i am a healer, slowly closing the deep wounds of others.
i am a puppy, eager, loud, enthusiastic and slightly in awe of everything around me.
i am a spider web, strong, unique and beautiful until run into face-first.
i am a pompom, fuzzy and tickley, making people smile at my oddness.
i am wind, flying gently through the trees, picking up leaves, swirling them around then placing then gently back down to earth.

My lifeline.

you know that feeling, when you're totally lost for words?

that is me, right now.

within this hour I've been told I'm a great friend twice.

that's like being told that i am everything that i dream of being as a person.... twice.

so, because I'm feeling so gushy and loved, i just wanted to take this time, even though I should be doing homework, to make a shout out to some people that mean a lot to me.....


thank you.

thank you for being my friends, for being wise and smart and silly and crazy, for being with me through the laughs and the tears. for trusting me enough to let me advise you, and you me. I love each you, even though I've only just met some of you.

i have written about friends before, and what they are....
well, these six people absolutely classify as best friends.


ps, i thought this was rather funny....
the dictionary says that 'imogen' isnt a real word. instead, the possible options are: primogenitor, primogeniture, homogenise, homogenate.

haha go imi, the primogenitor!!!


just a short note to say that all is well; life is good.
the sun is shining, the wind is flying through the gumtrees, Gus keeps escaping from the front garden, and im not feeling at all depressed.
if anything, im back to floaty, to the power of 10.

i love this feeling........


Saturday, 13 September 2008

i c

is it wrong to be split between two paths........ to want one in the longterm..... and the other in the short..... even though the only similarity is you?.........i dont know.

fortuanatley, im too bouncy right now to let that fact worry me too much.

is it completley sad that i havent been out with someone in over a year? (not on a date, anyway)
it is sad that i get along so well with my sisters friends, and not with my own?
** by that i mean that i dont argue or fight with her friends. there is no petty bitchiness, no competition to be better than everyone else.**
is it right that i am so indecisive? i dont know.
im both ways. im so many things, that theyve split into two lives.

i want both.
i can't have both.

im taking it closer to home, to see what happens. i'm taking the more complicated of the two options, just to see if its worth it.

but all i see is the end, see us losing everything.
i see someones arms around my waist, pulling me closer, kissing me. i see a smile, leaning on someone at the beach, by a fire. i see lips forming those three words. i see me sitting on a bench, head in my hands, him walking away. i see an absence of a person. and it sucks.

Friday, 12 September 2008


evenin' all.

i suppose i should write about the fact that im going to japan in less than 8 days.
i guess theres the basic 'oh my god, im going to a foreign country' reaction... but im kinda over it. i just want the day to come, when i walk into the airport at some ungodly hour and meet everyone else. (then again, its better that our flight was cancelled and we were put on a later flight.)

i can't wait to see Saki again though, it'll be soo good!

im a little hesitant about the personality clashes though.
but... omg.... DISNEYLAND!!!
yay! go the ridebuddies: me n nick. haha.

i promise ill put everything that happened into a blog. until such time though, i wont talk about it until its the night b4...

cheers, liv


i dont usually write this sort of post, but this is an honorary one
for Nick,

for getting 93% on his final aviation exam


haha. well done mate.


Thursday, 11 September 2008


in all honesty, i dont know why im writing right now.
there are so many things going on right now that i think im going to go crazy.
maybe i am already....

i feel like im being railroaded with my year 12 subject choices.
its my future..... please, please, can't i do the subjects i want? i want to be a psychologist.... stop thinking that i dont know what i want to do. STOP IGNORING ME!

my personal life is a mess to no one but me
i dont know whats going on. i want to be with two people. thats not fair on any of us. thats impractical, illogical and irational......
then again... so is love. but this isnt love yet..... go figure. sometimes having more than one option sucks.

i found out that i am less liked than i thought originally.
thanks meg. i know it was only an off-hand comment (i think it was....) but it still hurts to know that my friend would say that of me.
and to add to it, i have the school gossip on my tail about me suggesting depression. fantastic.not. and the sad thing is that people believe him. that hurts.

stupid complication. i cant wait until next week, when i have all this crappy school work off my load.... well, some of it anyway.......

im going to japan in 9 days.

im looking foward to it, but im not. that make sense to anyone? haha me either.
i guess its the stresses of getting ready... and having to get along with everyone that id ususally not...... thats mucking my mind about.


until tomorrow........


Wednesday, 10 September 2008


i do wonder sometimes why things are like they are..... if theres an alternate universe somewhere that is of the other choice, the one we didnt make, or decided against.

i wish i could see that life, just for one day.
maybe it would make this decision so much easier.
there is so much wrong with it, but so much right......

desire really does prevail over logic, don't you think?
the sideways smile, that forbidden kiss

what i dont get, however, is why i cant just put my foot down and say 'no. this cant happen' am i weak minded? do i let my heart rule me head? well, either way, that logical side of me has been screaming 'no' all while my heart screams 'yes; and my conscience says quietly enough so that it is loudest of all 'what about the others? that about your promise? does it still count?'

i dont know.

as i stated one time, i am a package deal of smiles, laughter, moodiness, stubborness, kindness and anger, compassion and bluntness, and a whole lot of 'i dont know'.
its situations like this that i live for - just to try and get them to work out.
what i worry about now is 'will i lose a friend if it all goes wrong?'
i dont want to lose their friendship....
its not my fault theyre an awesome person

and as such..... all i can do is sit here twiddling my thumbs until he says yes, or i say no, and it works itself out. if its meant to happen, it will.......

i hope it will...

Monday, 8 September 2008

Once again, the complications of my life....

okay..... two qualms tonight....

one, I've been wanting to get out in the open for a while, and my friends hear about it almost daily now...... i guess I'll stop complaining when it stops happening.....

saying hello.

(i know some people are rolling their eyes at this....)

but seriously - its a standard greeting. i find it extremely annoying to talk to someone, especially online, and they don't even say hello at all.
is it just me that finds that rude?
tom's been adding emphasis on saying hello to everyone when I'm around, just to annoy me.... but its s nice change from the totally ignoring, so its all good.

so anyway.... for those who talk to me.... please say hello .... or some other greeting ...before you continue with a conversation with me.

ok.... enough said.

number two - much more significant...

being asked this question.... or asking it.... always annoys me somewhat after thinking about it. i was so worried about giving an offensive answer that i didn't say what i totally felt.... so, to you who this is directed to... this is my complete answer....

i will not say that i don't know why we dont 'just talk' any more. that is a lie.
i will not lie and say that i don't miss the past several years occasionally. everyone has those little regrets.... but, what happened, happened. there is no going back.

and for the first time in three years... i dont want to go back to how it was.
about two weeks ago, it was like someone's suddenly opened the curtain on my whole life, and it was blindingly bright and warm.
i see now the errors of not just myself, but you, and it has made me stronger, knowing that it wasn't all my fault.
when i look at you sometimes, i remember what you did to me, the threat you made, the unexplained silence. there are some things that i will never forget. so when i remember you, i remember both the highs of love, and the lowest ive felt in my entire life.
i don't know why it took so long to get to know you, or you me, but either way, it took a lot of heartbreak on both sides to realise that we are so different that it will never work as anything more than friends.
we do not speak much these days because there is little to talk about. i believe that our past has tainted our future. when we were together, much of our conversation was about us. now that is gone, there goes 70% of our conversation with it.
we don't talk much now because a part of me broke when you made that threat, and i don't think it can ever be repaired.
but, in all honesty, were too different. we associate at school because of necessity. i think...... had we been at different schools, it would have been better... over the first time and never again.....

i just wonder if you had come up with any answers yourself.....
because they're not hard to think of; only ignorance can blind those to that which is right in front of them.

i wish i knew your answers.


Sunday, 7 September 2008


ever wanted to say something so badly you feel like you're going to explode?
i have
ever said something, then immediatley wished you hadn't?
all the time
ever said something that you know would only cause problems?

so why do i do it?
no idea whatsoever
i think i need a shrink.
Annabell: you got that bit right. go get a full mental assessment

... i shouldnt call them that seeing as im gonna become one of them. come to think of it... why are they called shrinks anyway??

ugh. why is it that i make my life so much more complicated than it needs to be? feelings ALWAYS make things more complicated....
i wont go into spesifics, and i wont answer questions about it, because its too big a deal in my own personal life to talk to almost anyone.
but in any case, i just thought i'd use this post as a time to vent my confusion.

speaking of which........
why does it take so long to realise that you never got along with people in the 1st place?
its ridiculous, the amount of time we spend, gegtting to know someone, only to realise that you're totally imcompatible as everything from lovers to friends to colleagues.

i have a LOT to say on that...... most is regrets and missed opportunities..... plus some people will be able to recognise who and or what im talking about so i'll leave that for another night.

ciao xx

Thursday, 4 September 2008


i shut my eyes and i see hands holding each other, like in a black and white photograph. I don't know whose hands they are.... but i think one of them is mine......

its such a beautiful image......

i wish it was your hand

maybe i'll get a picture of it somewhere...

maybe, just maybe, it will be with you...

Wednesday, 3 September 2008

Olivia, the Corn Capital

Apparently there's a town in Minnesota called Olivia ... and its the Corn capital of the world..... i thought that was rather cool, especially since my jokes are always corny........ get it?
sorry.... i should be shot for saying that.

hahahah... well, I think it is funny......

i have my own chamber of commerce and 2400 odd residents (meaning that there are about 2400, not that they're all strange)

cheers. xx

fat. (emphasis on the full stop)

fat, fat, fat.

that is what we are.

in australia about 60% of adults are overweight, and in america its closer to 70%.

its disgusting.

its horrible and wrong and should be made illegal.
i say this not because i hate larger people - thats an incredibly stupid thing to say.
i say it because if the food wasnt so easily availale, we wouldnt eat it,
its easier to go through the drive in than to make a stir fry at home. (i can tell you from personal experience - the stir fry will taste better, and you wont feel like youve eaten a brick when ur stomach starts to break down the fats)
i am neither large nor thin. i have enough extra on me to make me feel bad about myself, but once it gets warmer ill be out running most days, so i'm all set.

its all well and good to say 'eat this - its good for you'. but how much impact does that actually make? the fast food companies dont sell you their food by saying 'eat this - if you eat enough of it it will kill you'
lol - id like to see someone try and sell it like that ...... like that new hungry jacks thing .. the quad stacker or something.... yuk yuk yuk.

haha you know, they did a mould test on maccas - after 6 months, it looked the same as the day it was bought. it is in the same category as 'plastic cheese' (the single slices that look, feel and taste like rubber) and white chocolate: it isnt normal!!!
**sorry to those out there who love white chocolate.... but lets face it - if it has 0% cocoa, it cant be called chocolate**

in any case......
here are my views on some things.... i dont know how they would work economically and criminally.... but this is them:

  • cigarettes should be banned and destroyed.
  • fast food industry should be shut down
  • produce markets should happen everywhere for every food
  • ronald mcdonald is scary ..... actually.... most clowns are....
  • university should be made free
  • there should be one big long road connecting every continent to australia
  • bmw should release their hydrogen car that theyve kept in the closet since the 1970's
  • days should be 30 hours long
  • people should get their butts into gear about global warming... IT EXISTS
plus more at a later date.........

many people think i talk crap... well, that was some of it.
Princess Olivia, of the Mushroom Isles....signing out.

Tuesday, 2 September 2008

lingual complication

we, as humans, complicate our lives when things get a little boring.
or maybe thats just me, im not sure.
either way, life is full of double meanings, hidden opinions and secret words.

i have no idea whatsoever....
to prove my point, i give you:
exhibit A:

girl likes boy. girl is best friends with boy. boy likes another girl. boy asks other girl out. girl gets upset and wont tell boy why.

... so noone but girl knows whats wrong.

unnecessary complication.

exhibit B:

girl is friends with boy. boy and girl went out. didnt work, but still friends. girl likes someone else. within the same week, boy acts differently towards girl. girl gets confused and worried.

again, unnecessary complication

exhibit C:

girl 1 likes girl 2, but only as a friend. girl2 misunderstands affection and freaks out, says mean things. lost friendship.

..... (dare i say it again?)

all this is is miscommunication.

why, if we are the most evolved species on earth are we so STUPID with our words?
You don't know? me either.

granted, there are things to consider when choosing the right words to say, including
  • feelings
  • context
  • etiquette
that doesn't mean that we say nothing.
okay, sometimes it is hard to say something that we know may turn out badly. sometimes it is hard to look at ourselves and find the true answers as to why we feel like we do.

a few weeks ago I had to have one of these conversations. I didn't want to, but I felt so un-me that I had to say something. he had something to say in return of a similar nature. we dealt with it, and although it was somewhat awkward at first, our friendship was strong enough to endure the jealousy and deserting-friends debate.
but it could have gone so so wrong. but, logically, if it can go so so wrong, cant it also go so so right? (newtons 3rd law: everything must have an equal and opposing reaction)

so throw back the inhibition and for goodness sakes, say what you mean!!!.... make the world a little less complicated.
from the point of view of a spectator and a sufferer, swirling words around you as a defence.... it doesn't work.

Saturday, 30 August 2008


incredible movie......
i recommend that everyoine who can watch it, does.

Granted, some of it is bull, or can be presumed to be... and editing is very, very clever....

but its a good show anyway.
I'd love to know any opinions of it from anyone who's watched it.


Part 1

"Well...?" he looked at me questioningly, waiting for my answer.
"I... I don't know, Jay." it was all too hard at this moment in time. he smiled sympathetically at me, reached up and put a warm, soft palm on my cheek, which I gratefully rested my aching head against. it was times like this when I remembered the exact reason I had fallen in love with him in the first place: it wasn't the answer you gave, it was how you gave it, and how, no matter what that response was, he would always be there to pick me up if I fell suddenly, which i had, further, harder and faster than ever before.
A fat tear fell from my eyelashes and onto my skin, rolling down my cheek and onto my lips. He took me up into his arms and held me tightly, kissing me along the trail of the tear, ending on my lips. I clung on to him as though i would die if i ever let go. In hind sight, if i had let go, i may well have done just that. i was nothing but a shell of a person, consumed by grief, sadness and regret.
He parted from me and looked into my eyes, "Luce, we have to go. we have to be honest. i know it was an accident. they don't. we have to tell them what happened."
I nodded and blew my nose as he let go of me. I pocketed the tissue and gripped his hand tightly as he led me up the garden path to the wooden gate and to the car.
"I'm not leaving you, you know?" he said quietly as he turned out of the driveway and onto the busy street. I chose not to answer: after what I had done - I deserved all that was in my hands, resting empty on my lap.
"Did you hear me?" he said, louder, taking his eyes off the road for a moment to look at me, "I'm not going anywhere."
"I heard." smiling wetly as another fat tear rolled down my face. I laughed suddenly, wiping away more tears, rubbing my swollen belly tenderly as Jay pulled into the car park and got out to open my door for me. I took his hand and together we walked through the doors to the consequences of my actions: my reckoning.

Thursday, 28 August 2008

This means 'love' in japanese.
This was given to me by someone kind and warm and loving and trusting.
I wanted to show the world this - because it makes me warm and fuzzy, and feel so damned special i cant help but smile.

Wednesday, 27 August 2008

Dialogue With Myself

There are three people in me:

Olivia is kind and fun and caring. She loves the sunshine and is hardly angry. She loves to write and paint and is really smart when she chooses to be. Olivia is Calm, Humour, Compassion and Love. She is green and brown and gold - the colours of a sunset in the bush.
Annabell is a daredevil. She is quick-witted, with a razor sharp tongue. She convinces Olivia to do the less moral things, for the thrill. She doesn’t appear often, but when she does, she is called Anger, Rudeness or Irresponsibility. Annabell is red and fluorescent orange - bright and unnatural.
The last of me is called Jasmine. She is slow to speak, and thinks a lot. She is calm, but in a dangerous way - calculated, cool and collected. She never does anything without thinking it through, and the things she does are negative. When she is around it is Procrastination, Depression and Sadness. She lives on the waves of hormonal change and is best mates with Annabell. When they team up Irritation and Loathing emerge. She is the colour between faded liquorice and eggplant purple.

I, as Olivia, am afraid of Jasmine - she is the one who thinks about suicide and slicing open my own flesh - just to know what it feels like to have my hands covered in blood.
She is powerful and dangerous. Thankfully there are those things and people in this world that make me smile inside - my only defence from her.

And right now, Annabell is in full force.
Which brings me to say something hurtful and angry. But this is my therapy, so I will say it.
This is the dialogue of my brain:

A: I hate you for being over there and how i'm stuck over here, unable to reach out for you. And how no matter what I do, when I need you all I have to do is say so and there you are:
Words on my phone screen, telling me you love me and that’s its all okay.

J: It’s not okay....

A: You’re there and I’m here. I hate the way love hurts; I hate how I fell for you. I hate that I don’t care about anything anymore other than you.
I hate love right now.
I hate hormones,

J: for making me feel like I want to kill myself right now.

A: I hate the way that my mother’s words have cut me so deeply. Why should I care what she thinks?

O: Because she’s our mother, that’s why. She is your role model, even though she is very far from perfect, and when you're someone’s hero, and don’t realise it, you don’t know how much impact your words make.

A: But she should KNOW!

O: have you ever told her, literally spoken those words?

A: no.

O: well there you go. Big people forget sometimes.

J: we'll be a big person one day soon... if we're alive that long.

O: we will be - I don't want to die - we have so much to offer the world. What's the point in living if it’s not to make a difference?

J: we aren’t afraid of dying.

A: no - it would be a whole new adventure.

O: maybe so, but we're not finished in this world yet.

A: true. but...

J: why is life so difficult then? Why do I contemplate taking a knife to myself?

O: because that’s what you always do at this time of month - it’s the hormones messing with your mental state.

J: but don't you want to know what it would be like? To feel the warmth running from you?

O: I know what it feels like to slice skin - and I don't want to feel it again.

A: well then WHY are you so WEAK? Why is Jasmine ruling right now? You’re pathetic. Pathetic for falling for someone you will not see for years, if ever. I hate you for being kind and loving. The more you love the more it hurts to know that what you feel, that that which consumes you so completely, is IMPOSSIBLE!!

O: it's not impossible...

A: be real, baby. It won’t happen. He promise to see you and then wont show, or will go back to how it was with the girl who is actually real in his life, and the I will be left picking up the pieces.
He is an amazing person with a whole lot of love to give, but he lives in another world. Be real.

O: no. this IS real. We hurt for a reason: to remind us how good it feels to be happy and in love.

Saturday, 23 August 2008


*sigh* another week gone......

oh well, at least I have my pockets full of love...... and tissues, haha.
I have to totally complete an art piece in 3 weeks ARGH!!
I'm gonna paint a door. cool, ey?
I hope it is..... its gonna be super hard to change my ideas now....

I should be starting homework.... REALLY don't want to!! *cry* I'm loathing chemistry at the moment... come to think about it.... the only good subjects right now are art and (I can't believe im going to say this..) maths... *screams* haha I'm finally liking mathematics... weird, huh.
Even english is getting a bit hard to sit through - I've finally had enough of Hamlet. Good story, can read the language... but after watching the movies and reading it for about.... 6 weeks straight, its getting kinda frustrating. But its okay - we're starting our major project-things soon ... I like those - we have total control over what we're doing and how we do it.
I think I'll study V for Vendetta.....

I don't have much philosophy-wise to say as of yet (and right now I can't really be bothered writing down all the things I want to say -- the 20cm pile of homework sitting in front of me is diving me the evil eye, and its beginning to creep me out)

Hovever, courtesy of a guy who spoke at a meeting I went to last night, I want to go and work in one of the summer camps in America...
and.... if I'm super-duper crazily lucky... there might be one in Washington....