Yeah, it got personal. It shouldn't have. Where's my rules again?
Well, I guess there's only so much one can say from the inner depths of their mind before it starts to get personal.
And even though I'm actually going to make a real effort to avoid that, it will seep into my writing. It just means that it won't be the main focus: it may start my topic, like it is tonight, but it won't be adressing anyone spesifically any more. I dont like to be bitched about any more than the next person, so that saves some of that.
.... Speaking of which, whatever happened to loyalty? Are we in the days now where, in order to become close with people, your friends, you have to be mean about your other friends? Granted, there are always going to be times when venting frustration is necessary, but unwarranted insult is obscene. But I don't really know what's worse: the action, or making it blatantly obvious that that is ones intention, via looks, words,actions, or tone of voice. I reckon I do a pretty good job in general, keeping it to a minimum. Others will emphatically, hypocritically disagree with that statement. But when I do, I have a spesific incident behind every comment, and am happy to explaion every reason as to my less nice comment. The fact still remains that its a really dumb thing to enjoy: it gets nothing done, only creates negative relaionships and angst. And, to top it off, if said person discovers that one has been bitching about them, it is never met nicely.
Three's a crowd. It sucks. I've always been 1 of a trio, and I never seem to learn that it doesn't work out: it is always one person taking the back seat in conversations, in 'best friend' scuffles, one being left out if only one was invited over on the weekend...
I was always that extra, after being the core of the original friendship. Another way to turn it around to myself is to say that I'm the cause of all my failed friendships. Mmmm. I'll pass. I'd like to keep my self esteem. I have aforesaid bitchers to erode that. I'd prefer to think that i just didnt choose my friends wisely enough. Then again, with the shyness I have a lot of the time, it doesnt really surprise me I was drawn to the more outgoing-without-being-too-loud type. But that's okay, I have people now that have that loyalty and character that they should win a medal for. In fact, I'm pretty sure a few of them have won medals for it.
It's a nice contrast: loyal, strong characters, and weak, disloyal ones that are around in the form of 'friends', primarily because the latter makes me realise just how great the former are.
I'm tired of thinking, I've decided. I'm happy to write, to paint, and do most other philosophical activities i usually do over the course of the holidays, but I've had enough of self-imposed seclusion. granted, it may be the reason why i'm excluded now by others anyway, but whatever; i enjoyed the last few summer holidays, choosing not to see anyone: spending a year in close contact with personality clashes is just downright dangerous, i needed the 8 weeks to get away to my own resort: home.
But thinking only makes me realise how fractured that which i believed to be indestructable, really is. I don't like seeing small pieces of what we worked so hard to build, fall away effortlessly. Maybe it's because i didn't work hard enough to save it. maybe it was doomed to happen anyway. i sdon't know. i tried to save it. it just ended up stabilising. i didn't, and it won't, go back to how it was.
that's another thing: why do people cling onto the past? is it because they remember the best bits of it, and conveniently omit the rest? well, no one has a time machine as of yet. no one has made the ability to become invisible at will yet either. I'm a dreamer, an idealist, and a realist. contradictory, I know. But I am also a practical optimist: I think like the boys when it comes to most issues: I try to solve them, rather than only give a sympathetic ear.
So, I think of crazy ideas that might work, then store them away if they wont at this time - maybe they will later. I have all sorts of ideas about the education system, the human rights system, world aid, its just a matter of getting them written and heard throughtout the nations. I don't bother with pie-in-the-sky concepts, like world peace (i know i just outraged most readers by saying that, but its true, if you look at human evolution, we're designed to be territorial and vicious to survive. its how gangs work so well. either way, its against human nature to be totally at peace, all the time.) but believe taht a world government can work if gone about the right way.
Well, thats enough for my ramblings tonight. Right now, the birds are squaking outside my window in the gum trees, and the last of the afternoon light is fading from the tallest trees. It will be night soon, and then come the crickets. School is over and I have a rather alarming magnitude of work to do for next year.
But that can wait for a few more days: my room's hygiene comes first. I don't mind sorting my room, it's the cleaning that annoys me: it means I have to go through every single green bag under my bed and work out what's mine, what isn't, what I should keep, and what has a very overdue appointment with the bins outside.
there goes 4 days of hard work right there.
But its okay, because with hard work comes reward, even if its not quite what we expected.