wishes

Just a note, because its 11.45 pm here, and about 5.15am there...

So we're on the same day....

Happy Birithday Pete ^^

Hope you have a good day.

Out of all the people I've ever met, theres never one quite like you.

So thanks.

Maybe I'm making a bigger deal of this than is right, but hey, it's a big thing.

Just wanted to show that.

All my love.

heating and flags

so, yet again, the crossroads analogy comes into play here.
though in this case its not so much a cross roads as me flying full speed at a rope suspended over a calm river, hoping that ill catch it and fling myself into the centre, where i wont get hurt, only submerged in the cool water, where the view is alien to me, yet facinating all the same.

bringing life to a page,
bringing a smile to a face.
new faces, new names
same old work
same old life.

and that was my contribution to contemporary poetry that brian loathes so much :) lol don'tcha just love me?

well, i have a lot to write, and no energy to do so. its this heat. its FINALLY getting to me. as a rule, i love the ehat and think that the cold can go warm up its toes in hell. but so far its been upwards of 42 every day this week. i drank aobut 3L yesterday. im turning into a little water treatment facility.
well, went to goolwa on australia day. for the first time in forever i am actually feeling patriotic. i mean, i love australia and i know jsut how lucky i am that i live here, but ive never had the inclination to yodel it from the rooftops. until now. but thet;s more of a desire to go and sunbake on the roof with my friends.
speaking of rooves, ours ws 70C the other day in the sun. ouch. sucks to be a tiler right now. the beauty of it is that its cooler here in the hills than it is on the adelaide plains.

well, i have a long post about lollypops in my head that ill do later.
until then,
sayonara.
Olivia

The Fighter

Fighter, fallen
Thin line of view
View disappears, then reappears.
Rattling, sharp, heaving
A stab into the torso
With each inhalation.
Brown horizon vertical
Three protusions horizontal
Two brown, one silver.
The silver's tip tainted
Tainted with the fighter
The view disappears again
Shuffling, slink, strech of leather
The brown protusions
Are close when the view reappears
View changes, with difficulty.
Metal sphere, cut and dented
Two green orbs, surrounded by silver
Widen, then narrow.
Pink contracts, limbs lift.
Pierce, crunch, cheer.
View blackens, disappears.
Rushing noise, sigh.
It's cold. warmth seeps out
From the raw void
Of broken protection.
Who knew that warmth was red?
Lifeless and silver on the floor.

Faith

i don't have any particular reason for writing tonight, but the discovery of a new friend lead me to this.
meeting new people, for the most part, increases my awareness of the nasty side of life. it causes me to lose faith in humanity. for all the horrible things that have happened, have been caused by us. though it all balances out, because while ther are some truly terrible people out there, there are also some inherently good ones too.
well, on this particular occasion, my faith in humanity has been lifted. i always believed that it was in the past eras that people sat down and discussed ideals, beliefs, hell, its all philosophy. but now, i get to be a part of it all. which figures, since that seems to be the primary focus of university on their side, from what i can gather.
every conversation, i learn something new. tonight i learned more about religion, the divine hierachy to be more precise. and sleep paralysis. that was the most interesting - anything to do with the body or mind and i instantly prick up my ears, it totally facinates me.
but yeah.
meeting new people amazes me - lets me in on what the world's like. some people are straight up and down in the way they conduct themselves. theyre the best ones i reckon. others are a little bendy. im a bendy one. and then theres the ones who went off the rails forever ago. im not a fan of them much. but hey, its their life, not mine. im not going to lecture, nor preach. as much as i like doing so. i realise that it isn't my place to do so. not yet, anyway. i'll never become a church leader, but maybe if i end up where i want to be, people will listen to the things i say. but thats for another day. i leave you now, with just a portion of the muddle that is my current mental state.

Cheers,

Olivia. The Monkey.

30 mins

sometimes i hate that i react in such a way as i have now. i guess it's just as well that i do not see their face, nor them mine in the reaction process of digesting new information.
it really kicks me around that emotions get thrown around by those closest to me. but i know full well now not to voice my opinion for fear of deeply offending them. well.. that and i know that if I do I deserve a medal for hypocrite of the century.
so i guess I'll air my frustrations on here. even though ive been on both sides of the tracks and know what's going on regardless....

heartbreak. sucks.
even the healing process hurts.
and i see now the reason that the 'rebound girl' exists - we can't just get rid of feelings. its a case of the transferrence syndrome - move it asll onto the next viable candidate.
you'd think that by now i myelf would know not to do it. well, im trying. doing quite a good job i think. not to blow my own horn or anything. but regardless of that. because im this close >< to being over all that false sentiment, that im angry. at myself, at those around me. one of the steps i guess. im angry that i was that stupid, and im angry that those others wont see sense. but hey, whatever. it's not my life.
it never was.
why bother trying to change it...
when help was never wanted?

oh, and that last post was my 100th. i thought that was rather monumental :) i wonder how many words there are in that? ill find out one day i think its about 30 000. ^-^

20 minutes

dead silence

I've felt more animosity these past seven days than i've felt in a long time.
I think i ruined a friendship. that makes me sadder than anything else. i ruined it by leading him on then turning around and saying 'i'm in love with you' to someone else.
and it happened again just as things were starting to get better. it seems that raw attraction gets in the way no matter what we try. people, when they first meet me, dont believe i'd have a mean bone in my body. sad fact is: i have many of them without ever wanting to.
i don't even know if theyre going to read this. i hope they do.
because regardless of anything thats happened, the mood i've been in...
hes still my friend, one of my closest ones. it's hard to have a conversation with someone who makes no effort to say hi.
and though there are things that really annoy me when we talk, there have been days when i've spoken to him for hours at a time about everything imaginable.
now it's worthless formalities.
i miss my friend.
the one who makes me feel real. who makes me proud to be different, unique and just a little bit odd. who's loyalty is unrivalled to his friends. who's faces have me in fits of laughter and no matter what it is, makes me feel like a beautiful person even when its unneeded. who's scary smart and uses that savvy to help where he can.
it may well be a long time before i find someone like that again and even regardless of that, hes amazing enough to want to keep around for a long long time.
can i have him back?
please?
i'll be good, i promise.
i just want my friend.

Tonight's Anthem

Breaking the Habit

Linkin Park

Memories consume

Like opening the wound

I'm picking me apart again

You all assume

I'm safe here in my room

Unless I try to start again...

I don't want to be the one

The battles always choose

'Cause inside I realize

That I'm the one confused

I don't know what's worth fighting for

Or why I have to scream

I don't know why I instigate

And say what I don't mean

I don't know how I got this way

I know it's not alright

So I'm breaking the habit

I'm breaking the habit tonight

Clutching my cure

I tightly lock the door

I try to catch my breath again

I hurt much more

Than anytime before

I had no options left again...

I don't want to be the one

The battles always choose

'Cause inside I realize

That I'm the one confused

I don't know what's worth fighting for

Or why I have to scream

I don't know why I instigate

And say what I don't mean

I don't know how I got this way

I'll never be alright

So I'm breaking the habit

I'm breaking the habit tonight

I'll paint it on the walls

'Cause I'm the one at fault

I'll never fight again

And this is how it ends

I don't know what's worth fighting for

Or why I have to scream

But now I have some clarity

To show you what I mean

I don't know how I got this way

I'll never be alright

So I'm breaking the habit

I'm breaking the habit

I'm breaking the habit tonight

The fall, The Prayer, The Celery, The Resolution.

I'm so over it.
Give me a book and the sunshine.
Take away the people around me.
Take away the stress, the hurt.
It would be easier if I just took myself away, since I'm the cause of this angst.
Yup. Replace me with a vegetable. That will fix everything.

me as a vegetable.

Why can I fly so high and fall so hard within ten minutes?
How do I stop it?
I dont know.
I do know, however, that I'll be better soon. That I'll be back to my old bouncy self that leads people on that steals boys hearts without giving back in return; that loses friends, and tries desperatley to shrug it off; that still will smile and laugh every day, but, late at night, will roll over in a bed too wide for me and wonder why everything went wrong.
Serves me right for not being bold enough to go and make friends with people I dont know well. There's my newyears resolution. I didnt have one before. And though I've already screwed this one up about an hour ago, I'll start from now:
Enough of the crap. The two-faces. The bitching. The lying. The cheating. Enough of the bad side of me. It's my time to shine, not crash and burn.
Because I'm too afraid to look in the mirror and see what is staring back at me. It is my face, but I do not recognise me. I'm gone. Now the question is: will anyone be brave enough to try and reach into the ink and pull me back into perspective? I dont think anyone will. I've done too much to those around me for them to want to. I'm blocked, ignored, shunned and generally disliked by those I spent the longest with. Primarily because we've always been friends, but never so close that we'd risk things to help one another. Maybe I'm setting my standards too high? I don't know.
I don't believe in God. The notion of blind faith deeply concerns me. And yet, i find myself repeating this prayer. For a prayer is a hope, directed at someone.
This is my prayer.

I never stayed close with those I parted with.
I never had amazingly close friends.
I missed out on that when I was born shy to strangers.
Over the process of growing up, I learned many things,
But there is still one thing I wish for more than anything else.
Please, give me the strength to overome this stress, to make the changes, to become the person I want to be.
Help me to gain stability, and to eliminate the desire to destroy that same stability.
To gain the common sense to let friends stay as friends and to not jeopardise that with false or controversial words.
Stop me from being corrupted by the darker shadows of modern society, and help me heal the wounds that it has already caused.
For this, I pray.

Concerns of a hypothetical nature.

I am told not to. I still do. All the time.
I am calm until the last word is said and the lights go off. After that, I am alone. free to hypothesise about all the things that could go wrong. Yet I know it is necessary. It is in the name of justice, protection, of the good people in this world stopping the bad. But he got others to come and help. It instantly makes me think of other kinds of weapons other than fists. All I hear is a colossal bang in my ears, a white light and then I am seeing you fall, blood pouring from the gap opened by metal piercing skin. I see her knelt by you, screaming, trying to stop it. Trying to call help. I see the life fade from your eyes. I see you die.
I see myself getting a message, an email, from someone else, telling me that it went wrong and that you're not going to be calling me tonight, or any other night. That the love of my life is wiped away.
So, while I believe it is the right thing to do, the worst case scenario scares me to tears.
You are a fighter. I know that. Both in reality and in spirit. You give your all. I know you will be okay, but no matter whether we're 17, or 70, I'll still worry about you. Because that's what you do when you love someone. And I love you.

doing the splits

i'm a game player.
not with boards, cards or even videos or consoles.
only with my words.
i am a magician.
able to make my feelings disappear in an instant if they are not glued to someone on totality.

i was broken once. a little boy was playing with figurines, and dropped me by accident.
i guess i broke a little more than i thought.

my friend has a quote on his msn right now. it's been there for ages:
"Life has been less then kind take a number stand in line We've all been sorry we've all be hurt how we survive makes us who we are"
i forget what band sings it. it was a good song anyway.

it made me think just now.... what if we dont survive though? we live in a world of broken people. noone stays innocent from life for long. there are those who lose their life to their struggles. but still, there are millions more who go through life wondering how on earth they wound up like this.

to them, broken words are beautiful. to the healthy, they seem repetitive and useless.
which one am i?
i don't know anymore.

who am i?
i am dr jekyll and mr hyde.
i love being the doctor. i hate hyde
give me a personality split any time. im this close to it anyway ><
i shoudn't be writing now. im in the mr hyde side atm.
jasmine's in full force.
watch out is a warning to everyone i know, and to myself.

there comes a time when i am more irrational, more real, than any other time. that time is now. i am too tired to care of the consequences of my words, so i say them anyway. i am even too tired to write. which is a shame because despite my exhaustion im burning up inside with questions to ask. i guess i should just go to sleep. maybe i will if i can get rid of the mozzie in my room..... stupid mozzies.

Review 366

Well.... I guess I have to write it aloud (?) sometime:
It's 2009, the product of 366 days of 2008 (yes, it was a leap year).
I learned a lot.
I still have a lot to learn.
I thought I kept my cool pretty well this year. There were times, I'll admit, when I wanted to totally lose it at everyone. Sometimes, I did. But not many times. Nothing like the past three years, which was good.
There are three times that I can remember really and truly crying. Not the occasional tear at the movies, but being totally overcome. One was overdue grief. One was because I felt like I was being pushed around, ignored and totally railroaded about my own life. The last one was about a boy. In that order. All three of which, I wrote about in some way or another.
I've made new friends, begun the irreversible, slow, painful split with others, smiled more times than I can remember and done better in tests than, like, ever.
I'm no longer the go-to girl in class. That's fine. I can still get away with almost everything. On the odd occasion, it does pay well to be a partial teachers pet.
I met people I will never forget. Pete. Tony. I found a best friend in an ordinary one, one of the nicest people I have EVER met.
The ongoing drama of the on-again, off-again relationship finally ended once and for all. It's a relief, I guess. Though I'm still single and in want of a cuddle buddy to call my boyfriend. The leaders for our year were named. I didn't get in. I was pissed. Oh, there's the 4th time I cried. Not over the white blazer, of not being able to look special, different, instead, I was upset that I didn't get the chance to make a difference in terms of the house cup. Though, if I had done more sport I think I may have won in. But also, I'm a fairly carefree person, at least to those not in my head (which is everyone who doesn't read this... so... lots of people). So, maybe I seemed unfazed by the outcome. Not true. Though, it happened. But like mum said, it's hard to be okay, to not to be upset when you have your heart set on something and that something doesn't happen.
There were stupendous fights, and times when I've not been able to breathe for all the laughing.
We got a dog, sorry, a smiling thug (hes so big now it's hard to believe I used to be able to pick him up with three fingers supporting him).
I got a perfect exam score, a teapot and a cupcake with a candle in it.
And I think the most important thing I've done all year, is actually pay attention to this blog. To write on it religiously whenever something in my life is worth me thinking about more than 5 times in an hour. It's been my therapy. My savior. In a twisted sense of the world, its been my God. Someone to talk to when I get stressed or hyper, or feel like having a good hard bitch about society. My friends and families door into my mind to see the psychotic little elf that's working the controls.

Well, that's 2008.
This is the here and now: 2009.
The final year of school, the year I grow up the most. I have to, if I want to travel overseas solo.
No more airy-fairy Livvy. I want to get into uni, travel, and get along with my peers. It's so hard to do sometimes. I guess it's okay though, because, in the extreme, if I don't want to, I'll never have to see some of them again. Which is kinda a sad thought - I've spent the last...... 6 years with these people. And I'm about to embark on my 7th.
Lucky 7.
Most prosperous number, apparently.
Let's hope so, because I have to get a TER score of over 96.5 to get into what I want at uni. But I have my heart set on it. I'll get it if I'm determined enough.
And I am.
Just you watch me shoot through the stars and hit my head on the universe. This is my year to make a difference. And believe me, it will be different.

40 minutes

Future heroes.

I've been writing for over an hour already. So I'm pretty worn out, emotionally. and its only 10.30. geez, what a fun start to the day.
well, this isn't a post about the past year. though i should probably do one of those, 08 changed me. simple as that, i ought to give it at lease a little credit in the form of a post from the very core of my being.

anyway....
on a totally opposite pole, i wanted, actually, to talk about the future.
so much emphasis is put onto year 12 as the defining year of our lives. the sad fact is: they mislead us with that statement. turns out that you can redo sace stage 2 (year 12) up to three times, if you really want to. you also have the option of deferring any uni courses for a year. or, you can keep the same ter and use it in the following year's admittance. so, in other words, you have three chances at year 12 and two chances at uni. and that has nothing to do with possible overseas moves, tafe courses or apprenticeships.
so, really, why do they tell us that this is the all-defining year? so that we work out hardest so that the extra bazillion chances are not needed.
now that I've got that off my chest, i have every intention of pondering my own future.
i want to travel, i know that. i want to see the world. though, i thinking that I'll do that after I've been to uni - everyone, rather, everyone of influence upon my life, seems to think that if i stop for a year, I'll never get started again.
wow. thanks for the vote of confidence, guys.
well, i guess I'll just have to prove myself to them then, wont i?
ppht...

i know what i want to study at uni. both courses. its just a shame you cant do a double degree in psychology and teaching. I'd love to be a teacher. it seems like the most trying job - you have to be a parent without actually being one. you can only scold or praise so much. you have to nurtre and dicipline at the same time. it can't be easy. specially not with some of the ratbags attending school. i think i'd be a good teacher. i hope i would be, anyway.
i guess, i have a hidden desire to be great. not just good, or helpful or efficient. great. a pioneer in something. i've seen the remakes of some of the most influenceal people in the helping and teaching industries. i cant even name some of them, i know them by their actioans though. Hunter 'patch' adams. Ron Clark. Erin Gruwell. Pierre Dulaine. They all had unusual methods, all made amazing differences. I have been asked many times 'who is your hero?' and i never had ana answer. now, i finally realise, i had one all along: these people. the first three in particular (im afraid i do not feel the same amount of passion for dancing as i do for the actual art of teaching). these are my heroes, they that i look up to, that i want to be like whtn i grow up. what's wrong with being a dreamer if your dream is to improve the quality of other's lives exponentionally?
so.. yeah, bit of a tangent there. and i'm losing focus now. so i guess ill stop and continue this later. at which time i'll fix up the grammar too.
Until next time,
Olivia, the dreamer.

40 minutes

My Lion

He's like a lion, confident, loud, stretching out on his throne.
She knows he is the dominant one, that she would have no hope of escaping if she struggled against him. But she doesn't mind, because there is a majesty about him, an air of leadership, strength, that draws her to him like pollen calls the bees. She is not a captive, but a willing observer.
Like the ordinary feline, he is stealthy, cunning. Unlike others, though, he is kind and unusual in mannerisms. The Carnal Desire ever present, he is not afraid to display it when the opportunity is optimal. Vicious on the hunt; and in punishment unlike any carnivore - they are not physical wounds, only deathly silence or disappointment, which are more painful than any cut or scrape or bruise.
He is an unusual lion to her, unique in her experience with personalities. He is boisterous and rude, but incredibly caring and full of loyalty. They don't associate lions with loyalty for nothing.
And throughout all of this, though he is only a friend, he is a lion.

My Lion.

10 mins