Wednesday, 7 January 2009

The fall, The Prayer, The Celery, The Resolution.

I'm so over it.
Give me a book and the sunshine.
Take away the people around me.
Take away the stress, the hurt.
It would be easier if I just took myself away, since I'm the cause of this angst.
Yup. Replace me with a vegetable. That will fix everything.

me as a vegetable.

Why can I fly so high and fall so hard within ten minutes?
How do I stop it?
I dont know.
I do know, however, that I'll be better soon. That I'll be back to my old bouncy self that leads people on that steals boys hearts without giving back in return; that loses friends, and tries desperatley to shrug it off; that still will smile and laugh every day, but, late at night, will roll over in a bed too wide for me and wonder why everything went wrong.
Serves me right for not being bold enough to go and make friends with people I dont know well. There's my newyears resolution. I didnt have one before. And though I've already screwed this one up about an hour ago, I'll start from now:
Enough of the crap. The two-faces. The bitching. The lying. The cheating. Enough of the bad side of me. It's my time to shine, not crash and burn.
Because I'm too afraid to look in the mirror and see what is staring back at me. It is my face, but I do not recognise me. I'm gone. Now the question is: will anyone be brave enough to try and reach into the ink and pull me back into perspective? I dont think anyone will. I've done too much to those around me for them to want to. I'm blocked, ignored, shunned and generally disliked by those I spent the longest with. Primarily because we've always been friends, but never so close that we'd risk things to help one another. Maybe I'm setting my standards too high? I don't know.
I don't believe in God. The notion of blind faith deeply concerns me. And yet, i find myself repeating this prayer. For a prayer is a hope, directed at someone.
This is my prayer.

I never stayed close with those I parted with.
I never had amazingly close friends.
I missed out on that when I was born shy to strangers.
Over the process of growing up, I learned many things,
But there is still one thing I wish for more than anything else.
Please, give me the strength to overome this stress, to make the changes, to become the person I want to be.
Help me to gain stability, and to eliminate the desire to destroy that same stability.
To gain the common sense to let friends stay as friends and to not jeopardise that with false or controversial words.
Stop me from being corrupted by the darker shadows of modern society, and help me heal the wounds that it has already caused.
For this, I pray.

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