Thursday, 8 January 2009

dead silence

I've felt more animosity these past seven days than i've felt in a long time.
I think i ruined a friendship. that makes me sadder than anything else. i ruined it by leading him on then turning around and saying 'i'm in love with you' to someone else.
and it happened again just as things were starting to get better. it seems that raw attraction gets in the way no matter what we try. people, when they first meet me, dont believe i'd have a mean bone in my body. sad fact is: i have many of them without ever wanting to.
i don't even know if theyre going to read this. i hope they do.
because regardless of anything thats happened, the mood i've been in...
hes still my friend, one of my closest ones. it's hard to have a conversation with someone who makes no effort to say hi.
and though there are things that really annoy me when we talk, there have been days when i've spoken to him for hours at a time about everything imaginable.
now it's worthless formalities.
i miss my friend.
the one who makes me feel real. who makes me proud to be different, unique and just a little bit odd. who's loyalty is unrivalled to his friends. who's faces have me in fits of laughter and no matter what it is, makes me feel like a beautiful person even when its unneeded. who's scary smart and uses that savvy to help where he can.
it may well be a long time before i find someone like that again and even regardless of that, hes amazing enough to want to keep around for a long long time.
can i have him back?
i'll be good, i promise.
i just want my friend.

1 comment:

  1. shit k i wrote a huge freaking thing and it got deleted. im goign to type as much as i can rememebr though

    if you wanted your friend back alls you had to do was ask. i told you i was always going to be here for you and i am. but you know that you hurt me. so it may be a little different because i have to get used to it again. i gave my heart to you and so soon it was already broken. you made it really hard to be able to trust anyone with my heart, the 3 people that i love the most have all broken my heart now. its like i gave you my heart and you took it and just put it between your hands and squished it between your fingers. it just hurts. i cant handle so much heart break in such a little period of time. it may have just been my assumptions from the way you acted towards me and the stuff you said to me, but i really thought you were going to be different from someone else. there isnt too much i can say about the type of thoughts that go through my mind. sometimes im glad i cant, but as you know i have feelings alot of them. sometimes more compared to most people. you know that i dont cry too often, but the day that had happened that my heart was totally shattered. i did cry. there wasnt too much else i could do. but a heart will heal and mend. it just sucks. i only cry if i really care about someone special to me, but yeah im out of stuff that i can pluck out of the bundled up mixed thoughts in my head, but i love you livvy as much as it pains me to say i do love you. i can talk to you not to the same extent right now, but give me the time to mend. just talk to me and make me believe it is worth being a friend still.

    -Tony Kounavong (TK)