I've felt more animosity these past seven days than i've felt in a long time.
I think i ruined a friendship. that makes me sadder than anything else. i ruined it by leading him on then turning around and saying 'i'm in love with you' to someone else.
and it happened again just as things were starting to get better. it seems that raw attraction gets in the way no matter what we try. people, when they first meet me, dont believe i'd have a mean bone in my body. sad fact is: i have many of them without ever wanting to.
i don't even know if theyre going to read this. i hope they do.
because regardless of anything thats happened, the mood i've been in...
hes still my friend, one of my closest ones. it's hard to have a conversation with someone who makes no effort to say hi.
and though there are things that really annoy me when we talk, there have been days when i've spoken to him for hours at a time about everything imaginable.
now it's worthless formalities.
i miss my friend.
the one who makes me feel real. who makes me proud to be different, unique and just a little bit odd. who's loyalty is unrivalled to his friends. who's faces have me in fits of laughter and no matter what it is, makes me feel like a beautiful person even when its unneeded. who's scary smart and uses that savvy to help where he can.
it may well be a long time before i find someone like that again and even regardless of that, hes amazing enough to want to keep around for a long long time.
can i have him back?
i'll be good, i promise.
i just want my friend.