Wednesday, 27 August 2008

Dialogue With Myself

There are three people in me:

Olivia is kind and fun and caring. She loves the sunshine and is hardly angry. She loves to write and paint and is really smart when she chooses to be. Olivia is Calm, Humour, Compassion and Love. She is green and brown and gold - the colours of a sunset in the bush.
Annabell is a daredevil. She is quick-witted, with a razor sharp tongue. She convinces Olivia to do the less moral things, for the thrill. She doesn’t appear often, but when she does, she is called Anger, Rudeness or Irresponsibility. Annabell is red and fluorescent orange - bright and unnatural.
The last of me is called Jasmine. She is slow to speak, and thinks a lot. She is calm, but in a dangerous way - calculated, cool and collected. She never does anything without thinking it through, and the things she does are negative. When she is around it is Procrastination, Depression and Sadness. She lives on the waves of hormonal change and is best mates with Annabell. When they team up Irritation and Loathing emerge. She is the colour between faded liquorice and eggplant purple.

I, as Olivia, am afraid of Jasmine - she is the one who thinks about suicide and slicing open my own flesh - just to know what it feels like to have my hands covered in blood.
She is powerful and dangerous. Thankfully there are those things and people in this world that make me smile inside - my only defence from her.

And right now, Annabell is in full force.
Which brings me to say something hurtful and angry. But this is my therapy, so I will say it.
This is the dialogue of my brain:

A: I hate you for being over there and how i'm stuck over here, unable to reach out for you. And how no matter what I do, when I need you all I have to do is say so and there you are:
Words on my phone screen, telling me you love me and that’s its all okay.

J: It’s not okay....

A: You’re there and I’m here. I hate the way love hurts; I hate how I fell for you. I hate that I don’t care about anything anymore other than you.
I hate love right now.
I hate hormones,

J: for making me feel like I want to kill myself right now.

A: I hate the way that my mother’s words have cut me so deeply. Why should I care what she thinks?

O: Because she’s our mother, that’s why. She is your role model, even though she is very far from perfect, and when you're someone’s hero, and don’t realise it, you don’t know how much impact your words make.

A: But she should KNOW!

O: have you ever told her, literally spoken those words?

A: no.

O: well there you go. Big people forget sometimes.

J: we'll be a big person one day soon... if we're alive that long.

O: we will be - I don't want to die - we have so much to offer the world. What's the point in living if it’s not to make a difference?

J: we aren’t afraid of dying.

A: no - it would be a whole new adventure.

O: maybe so, but we're not finished in this world yet.

A: true. but...

J: why is life so difficult then? Why do I contemplate taking a knife to myself?

O: because that’s what you always do at this time of month - it’s the hormones messing with your mental state.

J: but don't you want to know what it would be like? To feel the warmth running from you?

O: I know what it feels like to slice skin - and I don't want to feel it again.

A: well then WHY are you so WEAK? Why is Jasmine ruling right now? You’re pathetic. Pathetic for falling for someone you will not see for years, if ever. I hate you for being kind and loving. The more you love the more it hurts to know that what you feel, that that which consumes you so completely, is IMPOSSIBLE!!

O: it's not impossible...

A: be real, baby. It won’t happen. He promise to see you and then wont show, or will go back to how it was with the girl who is actually real in his life, and the I will be left picking up the pieces.
He is an amazing person with a whole lot of love to give, but he lives in another world. Be real.

O: no. this IS real. We hurt for a reason: to remind us how good it feels to be happy and in love.

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