Friday, 20 November 2009

Don't Hate Me for Feeling Good

It's a smile, a wink, a sideways glance.
A catcall, a wolf whistle, a 'seeya gorgeous' from someone I've known for 40 minutes.
It's the realisation that low self esteem is pointless emotional torture.
It's knowing that there's gonna be people out there that hate me, and those that love me.
Knowing that i am me, and no one else, even if it seems like this is the case.
Because, you see, I'm happy being 'just me' and I'd rather not be anyone else.
I want to know what lies in store for the kid that thinks she has some kind of magic mental power, and that loves to lay on the sand with the car stereo pumping, laughing to the memories of yesteryear.

After hearing a sentence that kinda took me aback from my favourite person at the moment *coughAprilcough*, i decided to throw all this self esteem yuck to the wind. it's more fun being happy with my reflection than standing there and wanting to cry. indeed, sometime in April this year, this very breakdown happened. and it sucked. it was like an anxiety attack, i couldn't breathe, but i was hyperventilating at the same time. i blame the poor lights showing up every bump in the surface of my skin, and my then-hate of shopping. (this has since changed)

so, this is kinda annoying for some people to read I'm sure: 'ugh, shut up already i don't want to hear about how good you're feeling about yourself'. and in comes the statement 'if i didn't like you so much I'd probably hate you'.


when did this happen? has it always been so? forgive me for sounding stupid, but i thought I was supposed to be the person thinking that of others!

... guess not...

well, shall just have to win them all over with my dashing smile and charming wit.
ahaha there's a funny thought. my sense of humour is reserved only for the few people content to laugh with me when i laugh at myself. the smile will have to do, i suppose



but yes.

oh wow... newsflash on whats happening right now other than me sitting on my bed typing this nonsense...... its RAINING
like.. properly raining, with massive fat drops.
wooooooooooooo spring is here!!!! fuck summer for a while, i miss my balmy days and this warm rain. it's been so dark outside despite it being midday, it was bound to happen sometime. I'm just hoping it isn't crappy at the beach! on that note......
I'm going to schoolies in a few hours. i still need to pack my shit into some kind of bag and work out what on earth I'm going to do with myself since I'll have no computer

**i can smell the rain**

and wet concrete. yummy

no, really, it is. it gets caught in my nose like the smell of bacon does, until i have to breath out my mouth or risk asphyxiation.

i can hear a cockatoos, lorikeets, galahs... it's like the rain unlocked their vocal cords and theyre using them for all theyre worth. i'm actually going to stop my music just to hear them :) :) its gonna get annoying soon, i can tell, but right now... it's so beautiful. makes me proud to be an Aussie, living where i do. they don't get this elsewhere!

okay, going to the shops. will write a little more when i'm back.

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