It comes in waves, now: all happy and fine, then a sudden rush of absolute desolation and anger and hurt.... and then something will happen and it ebbs away into neutrality once again. As time goes on, it gets easier. By some irony, keeping vague contact actually makes it easier. But, I suppose, I had such a good day yesterday that it's given me a positive outlook on how things will work out. In my heart of hearts I know that I can't keep holding onto this love. But I do, because sitting in it, without the sadness, is one of the best feelings in the world.
He's not okay, despite the façade, and my instant reaction is to go over and try make him feel better, regardless of how I personally feel. Because that's what I do. But I suspect that this will not help an awful lot, indeed it may make it worse, and as such I don't send a message reminding him that if he needs to talk I'll listen. I worry about him, even though I probably shouldn't as it creates the aforementioned desire to help.
It's all just too frustrating, being like this. Despite all the other feelings, in the end, if he's okay, and happy, then that should be enough for me.
..... Shouldn't it?
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