Wednesday, 16 February 2011

Feeling like a rollercoaster at the moment. I want to run, actually. Run as fast as I can; because when I run, it's all there is. I don't have to feel like this. I can push it all out through my feet, through my legs, through the stitch that forms in my side.
Run as far as I can, as fast as I can, until I'm gasping, and seriously wondering if I have asthma, doubled over, but trying to keep standing. Opens the lungs, you see, makes it easier to breathe.
I feel like I did when I was 16, pent up in this room, no escape. The problem is that I DO have an escape now. I don't want to drive away.
I want to run. But it's night. And apparently it isn't safe at night. Apparently. The only issue I've ever had, was losing my footing because unlike the suburbs, there isn't always ample lighting along the paths, if there is one at all.

For no reason, my hackles are raised, and the Jealousy rears its hideous head. And, really, it isn't unreasonable, now that i think about it.
I was betrayed, and my trust was lost. It's like the small child who touches a flame - they get burnt, it hurts. So they learn to be wary of it, and things like it - we all know fire comes in different forms.
So ex girlfriends, all of them, are the enemy.
Because when the moment dies, and we go our separate ways, there is the constant question of what he's doing, where he is, and with who.

And so I run. To make me feel like I can actually change something.

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