I feel conflicted, analysing myself, contradicting myself. Pros and cons aren't the same anymore, and traditional attributes don't apply, yet.... I'm still me, aren't I?
Not having uni work to distract my mind is leaving me at a loose end, as is the unwavering repetition of working at least 5 shifts a week doing the same thing. The only exception is the time I start. If it was the same opening shift all week, I reckon I'd be alright, but it isn't. So I'm all over the place and at the same time dying of doing the same thing over and over again.
I take solace in my friends, knowing that they come see me, and I them, and it's fun of the distracting nature. But then the car pulls away, off into the distance, and silence settles on the house again, allowing the napping thoughts to stir, and gently poke their way back into my conscious mind, reminding me of feelings I oughtn't feel, and thoughts that needn't exist.
When I was younger, it all had to happen then and there, and patience wasn't a virtue of mine. Certainly, I've mastered it to a degree since then, but impatience and a flair for the dramatic still flows through my veins. This alone tempts me to act, rather than think, because thinking hurts my head (ah, the irony).
It's a case of want, vs need, vs should, and right now they're all being skewed.
I don't feel like myself lately. Maybe it's the knowledge that I'm not doing anything to help my fellow person, even though I want to (the usual lame excuse of not having time fits in, but i figure.. if i have time to fart around on facebook, I have time for other things)
I feel I should be doing art of some kind, some painting, drawing, photograpy, or interpretive dance or.... something.
It always made me feel better when I was feeling like this at school, I just need to focus my mind on it more than I have been, to get past this nasty brush-block.
A big part of my problem is that I can't see the end of one road, but I can see further down the current path, and then it becomes foggy and confused. Must be my mindset getting in the way.
All it takes is patience.