As I have written about it several times *before*, you’d probably realise that driving is both a great love, and a great fear of mine. After a solo crash in April, I’ve not sat in the car the same way. Admittedly, I am slowly beginning to revert to old habits (each of which I get a good scolding for from those that know I can lose my license for texting.) however, I've always been pretty empathetic towards accident sites: driving past a serious collision on cross roads one evening, while on my L’s left me shaking, inside and out, because there was the driver lain out on the concrete median strip, with a bystander screaming, and people rushing about around her. Coming back the other way 20 mins later had flashing lights, paramedics and the police diverting traffic.
The other day, there was a collision on Bridge and Grand Junction roads, in the rain, and in terrible light, and I bet anything someone took the corner when they shouldn’t have, or ran a red light.
Last night, another accident on Bridge Rd, a similar thing, but much more obvious, in the middle of the intersection, with radiator fluid everywhere, air bags popped and people sprinting all over the place and multiplying by the minute. Driving past it in an already agitated state was enough, I shut everything down emotionally, until the ambulance shot by, lights and sirens slashing through the usually busy-but-calm evening traffic.
And I lost it. Really, I should have pulled over, freaked out, and then kept driving once calm, but goodness knows I feel that much safer at my destination than in my car at the moment, plus, stopping randomly in Salisbury isn’t a good idea at the best of times.
I guess I hadn’t really dealt with the fact that I could, or perhaps should, have died when I had mine. And it made $7500 worth of damage, and left nothing too worse for wear, bar a minor 3 day headache. But I could have died. And suddenly that scares me. It never had before, not really.
I guess total exhaustion doesn’t help with the mental attitude, but I'm at the point of being scared, all the time, because the bad things that could happen, could ruin me and my life, while leaving me to adjust from 18 years of normality to something else entirely. A friend was beaten up, totally unprovoked, in town. He could lose the sight in one eye. He’s 18, and supposed to be a snowboard instructor right now, but some fucktard went and bashed him over the head with a chair.
Two incidents of carjacking in areas near where I exist a lot these days have me locking my car as soon as I get inside, and as soon as I get out, regardless of where I am and who remains in the car.
And at the same time, it’s all I can do not to speed, to race Brodie when we drive. I’m a hoon when I’m on my own, though only insofar as the speed limit permits.
And when I get these little anxiety ambushes on my psyche, all I want to do is run, scream and hit something and cry. I can kinda do the verbal ones, but I have to wait til Tuesday before I can hit something.
Ordinarily I frown upon violence, and/or fighting, but I admit, it was great to watch the sparring at the kickboxing dojo the other week. I guess because there’s no malicious intent behind the blows..... And it just gets funny to watch someone have their backside handed to them by someone shorter than I am. So, I am greatly looking forward to learning myself XD
Possibly will write an update on the uncoordidness of Olivia when I return from said lesson :) until then,