Monday, 28 December 2009

'I Don't Know'

I hate the words 'I don't know' as an answer. It's a stupid answer that simply fills in the gaps of what you're really needing to think about and what is going to be said.
It fills in thought space, means you don't have to face up to the facts, what you really need to talk about, think about. Personally, as soon as I start using it I stop and think 'No, what do I really need to think about here, what am I blocking?'.
Sometimes its painful as all hell to think it, and as I type this, I know am doing that in my head, blocking things out, I mean.
I've not cried like this in a while. Mind you, I find myself in an entirely new situation. I don't like it.
I have too long to wait before I get this figured out. But, I guess, part of me needs to sleep on it. The rest of me needs to run, and talk. This is impossible because the person I need to talk to is either 1. Asleep, or 2. Talking to mum about the same things I need to talk to them about.

Things are a-changing, my friends. And change is scary. Terrifying. But change is necessary. And it's at those times when we need people around us to hold our hand, and reassure us that that step, even if it IS scary, will lead onto bigger and brighter things.

I cannot move an inch. Not without leaving a ripple. Which turns into a little wave, which turns into a nasty big wave which then comes back and crashes down upon me.

The most likely end result is that which I do NOT want. Am I weak? I don't thinks so. Not at all. But...... letting go... is not something I do willingly. Ever. I feel empty, and overfull at the same time. Constant nausea, because I know it will be about 19 hours until I have the possibility of discovering what's happening. I'm the one terrified. I think I know what I can do to pass a couple of hours, but it could all be a waste. I'll do it anyway.

"I have a present for you..."
It isn't a matter of willpower on my part, and that's why this is all so hard, I suppose. I need to talk to D, but I can't, and it isn't going to do anyone any good if I do wake him up. That is what tomorrow is for, and frankly I'll be devastated if he is a no-show.
Because this is critical.

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