Tuesday, 8 December 2009

Spacing Out

I hate drugs. I really do. I’m reading ‘Heroin Diaries: A Year in the Life of a Shattered Rock Star’ By Nikki Sixx, Basist and song writer for Mötley Crue. He was a junkie, in as deep as one can be, using cocaine and heroin constantly. Til he decided to kick the habit, sick of the paranoia that they caused. I need to finish this book, I’m half way through, in June. To me, the idea of being a rock star never appealed, so it’s not as shocking as it might be to some people that it’s not all it’s cracked up to be (excuse the pun). Also, the fact I have no knowledge whatsoever of Mötley Crue other than the name, kinda spoils it just a tad. But still…. I am feeling what I am supposed to, just with the volume turned down a bit. Part of that is me refusing to go through the motions like I usually do – I’m an emotional wreck with some books. Its why I can’t bring myself to read Jodi Picoult.

But…. I’m killing this feeling because it’s being replaced by another sense of… well… hopelessness. I got told someone I know was a really great person to be around, always laughing, smiling, friendly. I don’t know them as that. Apparently that’s what hard drugs did. It’sd always about getting off ones face so reality isn’t apparent anymore.

I like my reality rather a lot, even when it seems like it’s all going down the shitter. Because I have this curiosity about the world. I don’t fill my spare time ruining my head by totally spacing out.

People that turn up to work stoned piss me off. A coach did that at school for the sport I love most. I lost all respect for her that day – and I hold coaches in pretty damn high regard because I understand how difficult it can be to manage a team of 11 girls, the majority of whom don’t really wanna be there.

I guess I’m seeing a different demographic at the moment – I’m a driven person, and I have pretty fuckin high goals. I don’t put myself around people that are happy to settle for less than they’re capable of, because they frustrate me. But it isn’t my place to challenge the way they live, is it? Someone let me know if it is.

I’m somewhat wary of how I say ‘I am going to do Honours Psychology at Flinders’ because the response is always ‘wow the score for that is really high, isn’t it? And why flinders?’
‘yeah, it’s high, but I have a plan if I don’t get a high enough score. And flinders because it’s one of the best schools in the world for studying psychology’. Really, the answer should be ‘because I believe I can do it, and anything less isn’t acceptable,’ because that’s how I feel.

So I sit there, and let it wash over me, not even letting it truly register that I’m a part of the conversation – I’m not really, not in my head. In my head it’s ‘get out, get out, get out’ cause I’m determined not to fall over myself and stop, like people do. School gives me something to do. Apparently narcotics are something to do too.

‘I do it because it fills the space when you’re not here’

It breaks my heart that people do these things. WHY?!?!??!?!?! I don’t think I’ll ever understand it, and it hurts like hell that people I care about, person I care about, does it. We think if I was to get into it, they’d spiral. That made me cry. The thought of losing them, even if they’re still around, kills me. You know what I mean? Like, they’re physically there but mentally they’re a different person than the one you love to be around? Yeah, that one.

What do I want for Christmas? I want him to be clean. Totally clean.

But I don’t think that would happen.

Not even for me.

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