F M L

i am so over it. all of it. feeling like i dont belong. being reminded of how morally 'loose' i am at the moment (which i am NOT), told that my family doesnt like who i am. or some nonsense along those lines. i call it nonsense because it simply does not make sense to me.


i feel alienated, and furious, and like i can't do anything about it. fear keeps me in line. not of people, but of what would happen if i actually put my foot down and said no i'm not swallowing more of this. grounding? i can deal with that. being yelled at? thats nothing new. being told i'm not a part of this family? ouch. getting kicked out? that one i can't handle. and i honestly think that if i had this argument with my mother then she would, in the heat of an argument, tell me to get out.
fact is, i can't look after myself. i don't make enough money to do so. and i have uni to go to. i can't possibly ask my friend's folks to put me up, can i? and D lives too far away to even consider this seeing as uni is in the city.
mind you, uni is in march, several months from now. i have work.
urgh.
 its all too hard. i need to get away for a few days, be on my own or with people that understand that i need them, while at the same time i need personal silence. it's a rare few people that understand that i need company without needing to entertain. i guess thats why three is a nice number - two can talk while i just ... am.
i can think of two. but at the moment i cant possibly ask the third to be so as they have other responsibilities more important than my mental and familial breakdown inside my head.

fml.