Sunday, 10 January 2010

I can only ever be me...

I'm not entirely sure who that is, at the moment. I can, however, try things out, and if they feel right, then it's okay. If not, well..... don't repeat the experience.
I'm unsure of myself, more than anything, like..... like I can't believe what I see, hear, feel. Logic tells me that I should trust these, but I can't handle another breach of this trust. I can't pretend that I have given back that same level of it, either, and that's all it is right now: a façade. I drop it and he sees that something's wrong. Well, he always was able to read me ridiculously well... not that I make a conscious effort to hide it the majority of the time. Its just at this particular point, I'm not sure what exactly is bothering me so much. I feel like I should be over the Indiscretion by now........ but I'm not. It's still sitting there, in my subconscious, festering. And it is doing so because I feel as though talking about it any more than has already been said is going to be met with 'ugh not again!', purely because I'm not sure what more there is to be said. A promise was made for it not to happen again, and god knows regret is there. I'm just.......
I don't know. And I hate that.

So here I sit, unsure what to do with myself, unsure what to say, and with no idea what could happen when I finally do spill my guts and every thought I've had in the last 24 hours comes out. But ... I've seen him both of the last two days, and am still being wary not to overcrowd and become a nuisance.

So no, I'm not okay, and I'm not sure why, because it seems to be just a general feeling of angst. But ... I do know that I will be okay eventually. It's just a matter of being comfortable in my own life, and comfortable enough around those that I love, to relax and stop feeling like I need to be composed all the time.

I'm stepping on eggshells and I need to start walking normally, lest I lose my mind and scare someone.

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