I can't fully articulate what's going on inside my head right now because 1. it will make me start crying again. 2. theres about 8 trains of thought happening, most of which are hypothetical conversations, arguments. and 3. I will sound pathetic.
Why??
Because the boy I love told me he can't be with me because he's in love with someone else and it isn't fair to lead me on.
By some strange mental power, I can actually live with that fact, because it's logical. I can't live with the fact that he's gone, and I just lost a best friend. It went beyond 'liking to be around him' weeks ago, he physically makes me feel better just with his presence and even as he told me this, in the back of my car, waiting for his mum and sister to come back, I was still sitting in that cocoon of him taking away every problem I have, eve if he's the cause. Once I left that bubble... well..... I haven't cried that hard in a long, long time.
I keep getting told that I'll find someone else. But, at this point, I dont want anyone else. Just him. Always just him. I kept waking up in the night, thinking that it was all a mistake and just one of those freaky-realistic nightmares. Apparently not.
I can't do this without him, not simply because I lost the first person I've ever truly fallen in love with, but because I feel like he's cut himself out entirely, leaving me with 1/3 less of me than I had before, and I have no friend either.
And it shits me off because there are basically no connections, no reasons, for me to go back to his town and just see him on passing. He was always the reason. Him and his family. Which I will see before I leave for Thailand, if only to get my book back and return a chapstick.
I want to change it. But that needs time, to see if I'm missed enough to be welcomed back. God, I hope I am. I don't want to be without him. And goodness knows I have the strongest resolve of anyone I know, and that makes things happen the way I want them to, but..... I don't know....
I need to talk to him, because I froze up last night and just sat there in shock, but I need to say them, ask them. Because all I have left is hope. Stupid, foolish, heartbroken hope.
*hugs*
ReplyDeleteHaven't had a real convo in aaaaaages. I could write a long spiel here, but tis probably best that I talk later. Maybe we could even catch up some time?
What I will say now is that you don't sound pathetic, just heartbroken. I should probably go back and put that heartbroken in inverted commas, because there's no lesser quality to it - although pathetic implies that it's your fault, and while that often seems the case in these matters, it most probably is not.
This is why talking in person is nine billion times better. I get caught up in my grammar and useless stuff like that and miss the point.
Ah, well.
I'll just say this, then, maybe.
Olivia, I hope all works out for you. You deserve all the best, in all your life's endeavours. You're a great friend. You're a caring person in general. We all have our ups and downs, and by saying this I don't mean to demean your pain at this point, but merely to offer cruel comfort in the form of life's cyclic nature. What I mean to say is... this is a fairly major down... but there will always be an up.
And hope isn't stupid or foolish. Even heartbroken hope. I know that belief in belief may seem a bit stupid coming from me, but this is belief you can believe in. To some extent/degree/measure. If that makes any sense.
Aaaaaaanyway. I hope I've made sense. And I'm glad I didn't type out a whole spiel or anything.
Jim
P.S. I know that I'm not your first person to turn to, but I'm always here if you need. Text me, call me, MSN or Facebook me if you want/need, I'll drop anything (assuming it isn't a small child, we have a few of them around the place at the moment). And as I said before, I'm in Adelaide at the moment so I can meet up.
P.P.S. It'll all work out in the end.
P.P.P.S. Thank you for writing this.
Hey I just stumbled on your blog and read this post. Same thing happened to me love and the best you can do is just hang in there. This situation happened to me about a year go with a guy I had been dating for 5 years. =/
ReplyDelete