Friday, 9 April 2010


So, I'm laying here in bed, just taken a movie disc out. Boyfriend is away, so theres not much msn chat happening at my end. I bring up the window to see who's around, and there's a couple of friends, couple of acquaintences, and my ex. (two of them, actually, but we shall ignore James for this particular ramble) just realised, looking at my msn, seeing my ex's label thing come as 'available'. And so I think 'yeah, hes a good chat, lets talk to him.'
It's weird seeing him online because he's previously mentioned it gets boring - despite the fact he now needs the computer for uni (mega proud of him for that one, but this is besides the point). So I'm thinking about this weirdness, and then realised he was online a lot when he met me - it was the easiest way to get to know each other. So, of course, I think 'yeah, he's met someone else'. A twinge of yuck, and total loss of wanting to talk to him (even though I have no proof for this whatsoever) then I remember the fact that I'm going out with possibly one of the best guys in the world. yes, the world - he's that wonderful. And so I felt a little guilty. Everyone should have the chance to be as happy as this

*hums absent-mindedly, smiling happily*

where was I?
Oh yes.

It made me realise a little bit the way things change. How we stop looking at people through rose-coloured glasses, so to speak. I fully understand that I think about Matt through these same glasses (as shown by aforementioned 'amazingness' opinion). And yet, when I met my ex, I thought the same thing. Because he was new, exciting, represented everything about life I knew nothing about. Basically my version of sex, drugs and rock'n'roll (substitute the rock for screamo and you've got it right. Note, though, that the drugs were never mine, nor did I take them, I think they're disgusting).
Nowadays, this has changed. I don't jump to talk to him anymore - partly because I know he doesn't jump to talk to me. Why make someone a priority in your life if you're only an option in theirs?
Anyways -- things change, and I find it interesting to see how it brings someone perspective. Goodness knows it did me.
It seems a little ...funny (ironic maybe?) that I've gone from one end to the other in terms of personality- from rough and dominant to cuddles. Lol. Is it sad that that's my #1 adjective for my boyfriend?

I don't know. Maybe in ten years I'll look back and think 'yeah. thats Daniel. Thats the guy i fell in love with for the first time, that broke my heart for the second time, and that i'll never know the same way again' - if he doesnt do something stupid and off himself before then, that is.
Maybe in ten years I'll be thinking a similar thing about Matt - how he disappeared from my life like so many other good people. (I haven't heard from my closest friend at school since we graduated!)
Then again............
maybe he'll be around to tell you himself what he means to me.

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