Saturday, 17 October 2009

melancholic and just wanting to sink into the earth.

i hate being right.

okay, sometimes i love it, but .... for the most part, it means that things havent gone the way the dreamer in me had hoped.

today is no different. i always knew it would pan out like this - life's too hard in some regards, but still, serves me right for having an overactive imagination and being too trusting when i shouldnt be. and now there's a sticker on my laptop, grinning at me with three very similar sets of eyes, and one pair very different, sticking it in my face, taunting me slightly.
all i can say is thank goodness i had to sprint back into the back room at work and look like i hadnt just been bludging work, by focussing very hard on sweeping, so i had time to let everything sink in.
that's a fault of mine- i often have a very long reaction time. it took me almost three years to process the enormity of mum getting sick when i was 12, and the potential consequences it held. i swallow defeat until noone can see me, and then it sits there, among the clothes and papers on my desk for a while, glaring at me angrily.
my way of dealing with failure: i don't. i ignore it, swallow it, avoid it, until it gets so overbearing i can't sleep.
like now.
i'm exhausted from today- its been stressful and fun sprinting around the softball pitch at Norwood Morialta with almost everyone getting lost, and then working, as usual, on my closing shift and the subsequent sensation of shin splints. but i click online into myspace, and there it is, a little reminder that i'm the only one feeling a little out of sorts, and noone gives a flying fuck. eh. should have expected this, right from that start.
i forgot about gravity, for a moment. sometimes one needs a rather sharp poke in the ribs to remember. in this case, its this strange emptiness of space, like someone just deflated one of those massive balloons inside my chest, and now i don't know what to put there instead.


i believe with every ounce of my being that i'm a lucky charm - things just... happen...
now, i don't know if this is because of the (for the most part) unerring optimism i hold about life, or if i actually have amazing super powers (personally i would hope its the second one cause that's definitely way cooler).
almost to the point where i think a shamrock tattoo is rather appropriate, i mean, i already wear my grandmothers silver shamrock pendant on a chain around my neck, and it brings me good things. i was wearing it when i got a home run today in softball, and when i met my most recent friend, and i'll be wearing it at graduation, and schoolies, because it brings me luck like that.
and now i'm hoping that if i wear it, and do my usual optimism, things will turn around to how i think they should be. granted, this may not be the intended actions that destiny has for me, but i can, and will, still dream as a dreamer does, with one hand in the lolly jar, one foot on the ground and her head in the clouds.

1 comment:

  1. Hey Liv, sorry to hear that you're down...

    ...but good to hear you're still a dreamer.

    This is perhaps one of the most poetic and beautiful posts I've ever read of yours. It's ironic (correct use of the term?) how fulfilling and wholesome sadness can be. I don't know what's gone wrong, but I'm glad you're coping, with a "foot on the ground and [your] head in the clouds." Of course, it's important to stay anchored, but not weighed down, and, though this seems to have really killed your spirits, the way you're writing and the way you're choosing to go about things promises that you'll rebound and be ready to face another day again. And of course, you've got people like Brian (and myself, if you so choose) to help you out until you are.

    Wishing that you find good luck and many four leaf clovers,