Thursday, 1 October 2009

i am not.

am in a rather tired, irritated mood at the moment. This may be because i was up til 1am talking, when i should have gone to bed at 9.
I've almost finished my Dukes report, but with two days still to go and 2400 words behind me so far, it's moderatley painful to realise this report will probably be over 3500 words and i have spent the time i should have been with Daniel, in bed being pissy and writing whilst trying to keep the venom out of me words.

I hate not having a car
I hate having to rely on other people for things
I hate that I have to rely on the public transport system.
I hate that i have so much work to do right now,
and that place i want to be, is 48 km away in a place i don't even know other than the name and how to get there.
I hate that i know that things would feel better if he was holding me.
because nothing can hurt me when he does.
I hate that i'm sitting here in shorts and knee-high ugg boots, under a quilt, on a sheetless bed, when i could be somewhere else.
and i hate that regina spektor is playing in a tinny voice through my sister's laptop in the dining room, shattering my nicely made air of irritation with jumping notes and a piano.

i cant wait til i get a car.....
but it seems that the ones I choose aren't good enough for my mums standards. i know it has to be able to get up and down the freeway etc, but i dont give a flying fig if its got 60000km under the hood or 2000km. and all the ones she picks out are fantastic to her.
except that i can't afford them.
theyre $12 000 too much. and all she says is 'keep saving'.
Fuck that. i'm happy with anything, so long as i can drive it.
i NEED this. its driving me mental,
like putting a tiger in a cage, after it's had a taste of true freedom.


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